Number the Stars
by Pisaster
Summary: Cassian was ready to die on the beach at Scarif. But what if he didn't. Jyn never expected to live this long, period. Another fix-it fairy submission - or Cassian gets a second chance at happiness. Rating increased for mention of adult themes. Serious adult theme in chapter 32. Read at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, and I get paid nothing for this. And I am not requesting anyone pay me for this._

 _Note: I haven't written anything in YEARS. I loved the movie, and I think it was perfect. And tragic. And beautiful. I realized halfway through that no one was going to survive, and I'm grateful for that realization. I hate spending 2+ hours growing attached to characters only to have them die unexpectedly at the end. However, every time I see the movie (yes, there have been multiple viewings), I walk away angrier at the ending. I understand why the producers decided to have literally everyone die, but I actually don't think it was necessary to the plot. So I tried to fix it. I haven't decided if there will be more._

Cassian feels cold air blowing on him. This isn't right, he mused idly. Dead people should not be able to sense temperature variations. He lays still, and tries to pay attention to his surroundings. There's a machine whir. A metallic clanking. Water running, and then being shut off with a click. Footsteps. Muffled voices. He slowly becomes aware of bright lights on the other side of his closed eyelids. Can the dead hear and see, as well? Surely not. His eyes open with a start when he feels something sharp on his forearm.

"Welcome back, Captain." A weary-looking doctor directs a wan smile at him while efficiently completing her task.

He assumes the individual to her left is a nurse or a technician when he speaks. "How are you feeling?" The voice sounds oddly shrill coming from the muscular man. Then again, perhaps it was just the way his ears and brain are processing sounds. Everything sounds odd.

"How are you feeling?" The man queries again. "Are you in pain?"

Cassian thinks about it for a moment before responding. Pain? He's been in pain since he was six. He doubts that the nurse was asking about existential pain, though, and slowly shakes his head "no." It's true enough, he figures. He's not in much pain. Or at least he wasn't until he shook his head. The subtle movement caused starbursts of colored lights to flash behind his newly closed eyelids.

The doctor addresses him, her tone empathetic. He is not really listening, and drifts off wondering if she has to force the empathy now, after all she's likely seen and treated. Did she start off caring about things the way he did? Does she find it harder to muster any degree of "care" now? It occurs to him that the doctor is still speaking, and he attempts to narrow his focus to the words she is saying to him. It takes effort to drag his attention back to the present.

"…injuries to your back, hands, and arms should be healed in another day or two. Do you have any questions for me?"

He misses the important parts of the recitation. Some intelligence officer he is. Didn't even pay attention to the brief.

"Leg." He grunts out, voice sounding rough to his ears. How long has it been since he last spoke? He vaguely recalls searing pain in his leg on Scarif. Jyn dragging and carrying him off the tower to the beach, each step agony.

"Hmm. Yes. The leg is set. Pelvis, too. Both were fractured. Your femur was displaced. You're quite lucky, you know." She smiles at him, and he blinks. He reminds himself to pay attention this time. A hand gently pats his hand. "An unstable pelvic fracture can easily sever the femoral artery. You could have bled out."

She must have understood that he hadn't heard her assessment of his injuries, because she continues unhurriedly, patiently repeating her earlier words.  
"You broke four ribs. Those will take longer to heal, because we can't splint them. You took a blaster to the right side, and that did the most damage. We had to remove a portion of your liver, because the damage was too severe. Don't worry, though, because it will grow back." She pats his shoulder this time. "You're lucky it didn't hit an artery. It will still be a few days before you're up and about. You received a stim to hurry bone growth, but we have to allow the broken bones enough time to knit back together before you bear weight on them."

The doctor stops speaking, and Cassian's eyes slip closed involuntarily. How did he get here? He tries to recall, but everything is foggy. Trying to think is like moving through mud. He feels slowed down. Heavy. He blinks his eyes open to ask a question, but the doctor is gone.

Cassian is unsure how much time has passed when he next regains the living. He supposes they are the living, although he still is not sure. Shouldn't he be dead right now? The lights have dimmed in the infirmary. Night, he supposes. He takes stock of his injuries, attempting to recall the doctor's words from earlier. Femur. Pelvis. Liver. Ribs. Something about hands and arms. Slowly, as if he is unsure it will work, he lifts his hand up to inspect it in the dim light. His arm is peppered with soft, pink skin from the elbows to the tips of his fingers. The backs of his hands fared no better than the elbow. It hits him, then, like cylinders in an old lock falling into place.

The beach is beautiful and terrifying as they sink into the sand. The heat and glow from the explosion travels rapidly over the water. He knows they will not make it out alive. The game is up. The chances are spent. They did it, though. They were successful. His life was never going to be long and illustrious anyway, he figures sadly. It may as well end here. He can join his family now. He hasn't really lived since he was six years old, anyway.

A hand in his feels foreign, but he gives it a gentle squeeze. He is unaccustomed to the touch of another. " _Your father would have been proud of you, Jyn._ " The words sound hollow as he says them, but she smiles sadly back at him, eyes glistening with unspent tears. He was sincere, and he wants to tell her that. He wants to say so much more, but can't find the words. What is the point of it, anyway? In a few seconds they'll both be dead. Platitudes and promises will not change the outcome. They will die on this beach. Their bodies will join the others littering the sand. Collateral damage. The price of war. He never feared death, and at times openly welcomed it. At least he accomplished something before it all ended, he muses, as he watches the shockwave approaching. At least he's not alone. Ignoring the pain in his hip and side, he rises to his knees, tugging Jyn up with him. Wordlessly, he reaches for her, and draws her to him. How long has it been since he had contact like this? He can't recall, but the thought is pushed aside quickly by another, more important question. How long has it been since someone drew Jyn into a warm embrace? How long has it been since she knew the comfort of another person? He considers speaking again, but the words stall on his tongue. Her arms have wound themselves around his neck. Rather than sully the moment with talk that won't affect the outcome, he tightens his grip, crushing her against his chest. In another lifetime they could have been something. Perhaps. Then again, perhaps it was always destined to end right here. The heat is upon him, and he swallows hard, more of a gulp, almost choking on the too-hot air. The last thing he can recall is turning his back to the blast to shield her. The searing heat on his back feels like it will melt his skin, and he knows that this is all in vain, but he still tries to protect her. At least he can do this one thing – this one small thing – for this girl who gave up everything for his cause.

 _"You're not the only one who lost everything._ " He regrets saying those cruel words to her as the words reverberate in his memory. They both lost everything. There is no need to tally whose losses are greater.

He feels the blast knock him forward with a force that sucks the air from his lungs. His last thoughts _"I'm sorry."_ An unspoken apology to the woman in his arms, confined to the same fate as his. Dying on a beach on a faraway planet.

"I'm sorry." He whispers aloud.

Cassian blinks a few times, and slowly turns his head from side to side. Gently this time, so that he doesn't repeat his mistake from earlier, he cranes his head to the left and right attempting to take in his surroundings. The infirmary is a place with which he holds an unpleasant level of familiarity. Open bay. Rows of gurneys on either side of a central aisle. If she's here, he should be able to find her.

"I'm sorry." It plays on repeat in his mind. Over and over. I'm sorry.

He recognizes are few faces, but most are new. The bay is nearly empty; a testament, he assumes, to the death toll. There's not many patients to treat when everyone is annihilated. The grim reality makes him frown here in the darkness. He can't quite see the face in the last cot; the lights are too dim. Groaning, he hauls himself to a seated position, and moans softly as he stands. The doctor warned him to stay put, he recalls, but he makes forward progress slowly and painfully toward the back of the room. It takes longer than he cares to admit to get close enough to make out the features of the patient on the gurney. He holds his breath as his eyes take in the familiar planes of her cheeks. The long lashes framing closed eyes. Full lips parted, and chest rising and falling rhythmically.

"Jyn." The syllable strangles out of him like a prayer. Jyn. He is vaguely aware of the sounds of metal crashing to the ground, then running footsteps and hands grabbing at him, heaving him up again. Urging him backward. He tries to fight, to explain that he needs to stay with her, but the pain in his hip and side are throbbing, and he can't catch his breath. Jyn. He claws his way through the fog in his mind, forces his eyes open, and wills his hand to reach out and grab the elbow of the doctor.

"No." He rasps. No more meds. No more sleep or stupor. He realizes that he fell. Collapsed. Likely in relief, but the metallic crashing was the sound of him taking down a tray of instruments as he hit the ground. He briefly hopes that he didn't ruin anything valuable, but pushes the thought aside. "Jyn." He manages to get her name out through clenched teeth, swallowing the pain, as his eyes search for the doctor's gaze.

"Sergeant Erso is alive." Is the only response he is offered, and he pauses for a moment before continuing to fight.

"I'm staying here." He tries to sound authoritative and commanding, but it comes out pained and thick. He will not move from her side. They can't force him. There are plenty of empty beds here. He's staying.

"I'm not used to people sticking around." Her words surprise him again when the memory flashes through his thoughts. What surprised him more was the steadfastness with which he growled his next thought.

"I'm not leaving."

* * *

 _Please be kind. Wow. Formatting in this program is awful._


	2. Chapter 2

Loss was nothing new to Cassian Andor. Nor was death. He had lost more than most; family, friends, and comrades. Brothers and sisters in arms. He fought alongside men and women he considered good people, if not friends. It was rarely worth the time to invest in developing friendships, anyway. People die in the military, and the half life of an intelligence officer in an underfunded and undermanned rebellion was barely long enough to register on the meter. He knew his days were numbered when he joined, but he had no other place to go. The cause was as good as any, but it was personal to him. At twenty six he figures he has just about run out of luck, anyway, but for some reason he's still alive.

The medbay is still bathed in darkness, and he sighs lightly willing sleep to come. He refused pain medications and sedatives in favor of returning to the land of the living. His hip is throbbing, now, and so are his pelvis and back, acting as constant physical reminders of his ill-advised journey across the room. Giving up on sleep for the time, he pushes himself to a seated position and stares at the space in front of him. Legs dangling off the side of the cot, he squints into the darkness.

Jyn is still breathing, he shakily reassures himself. She'll be fine eventually. He's not sure he believes it.

Actually, that's not what the doctor said at all.

"What's wrong with her?" He rasped, as the nurses and orderlies and a particularly brusque medroid wrestle to get him back to a supine position.

"Miss Erso's injuries are being tended to."

That was all the response he received. Maddening. He knew the game well enough to play.

"Sergeant Erso was under my command." He stressed the words " _sergeant_ " and " _my_." He was aware of her sudden promotion on the ship. Before they landed on Scarif. Her words echoed in his skull. _"Or the chances are spent."_

"Her injuries are my business. My responsibility." He meant it, too. It was his fault. Maybe not his fault, but she was his soldier to keep safe. He may have followed her, but the mission was his to command. He shut his eyes tightly, and tried to forget the faces of the others he'd lost on that mission. Melshi. Bodhi. Tonc. Kappehl. Maddel. Chirrut. Baze. K2-SO. For years Kaytue was the closest thing he'd had to a friend. The lippy android was prone to sarcasm and had no idea why Cassian thought he was funny, but they got on well enough. It was a suicide mission, he reasons. They all knew the risks. They volunteered. He forced no one. No one except Kaytue.

And it was his fault.

He opened his eyes to see the doctor nodding soberly.

"Sh…she has a traumatic brain injury." The doctor pauses, waiting to see recognition flicker across Cassian's face. "Miss Erso was unconscious when she arrived back at base. She has not regained consciousness. There is evidence of severe axonal shearing injury, with concomittant bleeding and swelling of the brain. The bleeding was stopped, and clots were evacuated. She has some minor musculoskeletal injuries, but the blow to the posterior occiput is the most concerning at this time. A subdural hematoma is a common injury, but can be life threatening."

Cassian was familiar enough with battle injuries and human anatomy to understand most of what she meant. Concussion. Swelling. Bleeding.

"And?" He prompted. He needed Kaytue to tell him the odds. There was something comforting about always knowing the probabilities in situations like this one. Something grating about it, too. Sometimes those things are best left unspoken.

"And there is a chance she may never regain consciousness. It's too soon to tell." She was speaking softly now, as if she knew the truth may fracture him.

"What does she need?" He demanded. "How long have we been here?" Cassian realized that he had no idea what day it was. To his understanding, the length of time a patient is in a coma is directly correlated with the severity of their injury, and inversely correlated with their chances of survival. His unspoke questions lingered in his mind _. "What can I do? What should I have done?"_

"Two days days." Came the gentle reply. The young Dr. Kalonia knew him well enough to tell the truth.

Cassian sagged against the pillows on his cot. Two days.

"We kept you sedated for treatment. General Draven feared an escapade much like the one we just had."

"What else are you doing for her?" His eyes begged the doctor to tell him something positive. He chose to ignore the part about his commander treating him like an insolent child for now.

"Treating a brain injury is a delicate balance of stimulation and rest." He knew all of this already. He'd had his share of head injuries. "She is receiving six hours in the bacta tank every day. Her surgical incisions have healed well, and the superficial and bony injuries are nearly gone. It's time she needs now." The doctor pats his arm in what he knows to mean reassurance, but he doesn't feel anything of the like. "You both need time."

Cassian figures she doesn't just mean time for bones to cement. He also figures that six hours a day is less than she needs. Understaffed and underfunded. The Rebellion strikes again.

He can't recall how they got off the beach. Who found them? Who risked everything to scoop up two dead bodies from the ashes of Scarif and bring them back to base? When he looks up again, the doctor has disappeared. The cynical side of him tells his brain that she may have never been there at all. He could be hallucinating; it is a symptom of head injury. He DID fall...how many stories? But he wouldn't be hallucinating this. Even in his nightmares, he couldn't have fathomed this.

Cassian slipped down off the too-hard cot, and dragged it closer to Jyn's sleeping form. He corrects himself at the though. Her comatose form. Her hair is shorter than he remembered it being, and he slowly rakes his hand over his own scalp and face to test his theory. Short. Likely singed off in the heat of the blast. It'll grow back, he reasons, and turns his gaze back to the figure before him. He'd never placed too much stock in his looks anyway. He preferred to worry about what he can do. What he can be. How he can further the Cause.

What he has become feels foreign to him now. Cassian Andor no longer recognizes himself. If he's honest, then he can admit that he hasn't been able to do that for a long time. He is what he has to be. What the Rebellion needs him to be. Nothing more. He stopped wanting more twenty years ago when he lost it all. He wonders if that feeling on Eadu was important. When he had the pefect shot lined up. Galen Erso trained in his sight. It would have been so easy. But he knew. He couldn't do that to her. It would destroy her. And then she'd destroy him. Somewhere, deep inside, Cassian is trying to ignore the flickering of something he's never imagined.

He calls himself a fool even as he reaches out to ghost her cheeks with his fingertips. She is cool to the touch, and it surprises him. Grasping her hand without thinking twice about it, he runs his other hand up her arm. Cold. Fear grips his heart like an icy vise. It's possible, he reasons, that only the surface of her skin is cold. The air in the room is cool, circulating continuously in the damp, cool jungle air. Even he feels a slight chill. Without a second thought, he pushes himself shakily to his feet, eyes darting around the poorly lit room. He needs a blanket. Maybe two. He rational brain tells him that she is small. Her surface area to volume ratio is higher than his. She is more prone to heat loss. Hypothermia can be helpful when induced under medical supervision. He's seen it use. Force, he's experienced it. This isn't controlled. It isn't right. The voice in the back of Cassian's brain questions why this matters. Why is he expending this energy on a girl? A criminal? A friend. He answers himself. She's a friend.

It is a pleasant experience to realize he has a friend.

He ponders the question further as he searches for the cabinet with the blankets. Why is he doing this? Why did he run through Saw Gerrera's...lair...searching for her? She was expendable then. Why did he sprint over wet, slick rocks on Eadu, scrambling to the platform to pull her out of harm's way? Why did he follow her to his own near inevitable death?

Fire. He remembers the fire. In her green eyes. The fire he saw on the streets of Jedha. That propelled her into a firefight to save a child from certain death. He wishes she'd awaken and fight with him again. Like she did after Eadu. After her father died. He'd been angry, but she was so alive. Humming with energy. Body pulled taunt and looking for a fight. He'd raised a hand while he spat angry words at her, and hadn't missed the way she hadn't backed down. Like she'd expected him to hit her. His brain snagged on the edges of that memory, and he can't pinpoint why.

Finally, a cabinet door opened to reveal a stack of ragged, stained blankets. Some had holes, worn thin with how many years of use? He tried to think back to his training. The Rebellion started organizing how long ago? Given the state these were in, he wouldn't be surprised if they dated back to the Clone Wars. He grabbed two, then stood for a moment. Hesitating. Grabbed a third.

"You were told to remain in bed." A mechanical voice squawked, and he flinched. He's better than this. He should have heard him approaching.

He turned to fix the droid with a glare, not that it would matter. "I need blankets." He said it like an explanation. "She's cold."

"Miss Erso's vital signs suggest that she is fine. Her temperature is within normal limits." If a droid could sound irritated, Cassian figures this is what it would be like.

He doesn't respond. There is no point in arguing. He continues his slow shuffle back across the bay, and spreads two blankets over Jyn's sleeping form. He tucks the third at the foot of her cot, a hint of a smile quirks one corner of his mouth upward. There's enough space at the end of her cot for the blanket because she's so short. Funny, he thinks. She doesn't seem that small when she's awake. She's all nerves and energy awake. Vibrating. Pacing. He's seen her notice her own tics. Try to calm herself. Deep breaths behind closed eyes. Something Saw no doubt taught her.

He's back on his cot, wishing he'd had the sense to bring a blanket for himself as he drifts back to sleep.

You can learn a lot about a person if you watch them sleep, Cassian discovers. The staff turn her efficiently every four hours. Like clockwork. Pressure ulcers, they tell him. No matter. They needn't bother. She always ends up in the same position. She prefers to sleep on her left side. Knee drawn up to her stomach. Right hand clenched at her sternum.

He learns that she cannot escape her fears even at rest. He'd known this already, he reasons. And why would she? He can't. She slept for a piece on the flight to Jedha, he recalls. Wedged herself against the bulkhead of his ship, and he'd turned from the cockpit and saw her eyes closed. Forehead wrinkled the way it is now. He'd been concentrating on the ship when she woke, but he heard the gasp. The sharp intake of breath. He knew it well. He'd extended the courtesy of not acknowledging it; he'd not want to draw attention to himself if he was in the same position. He'd wondered what visions had haunted her dreams. Real or false? History or imagination? A life like theirs was plagued with enough haunting realities that imagination was rarely necessary.

What nearly breaks him is when he learns that Jyn Erso is claustrophobic. He assumes that's the problem, anyway. He's been standing watch for two days now, and the ache in his hip and pelvis is pushing him to the edge of civility, but he muddles through. Ignores the pain, and shoves it into a dark hole. _"A little pain never killed anyone,"_ a voice cuts through his memory, foggy with pain killers. He'd finally relented. Enough muddling. _"Makes you know you're alive."_ He wonders if the person who told him that ever fell two stories. Or was it three? More? He remembers hitting durasteel beams on the way down. A last-ditch attempt to hang on and slow his descent. Jyn's panicked cry. " _Cassian_!" Had he imagined that?

She's in the bacta tank now, and he's standing guard, for lack of a better term. He's trying to not stare, not that he can concentrate much through the haze of pain and medication. But he notices when she shifts. A foot first. Then a knee. The right one. An arm. Eyes open, unfocused, and he hears a sharp intake of breath. His, most likely. Then her hands are shoving at the mask, clawing. Feet kicking wildly against the glass. Left hand gathered into a fist, ineffectively trying to punch at the walls confining her. He stands, staggers a step or two, and tries to find a switch. There has to be a kill switch. A panic button. A way to drain the tank. His heart is in his throat, and he wonders again why this matters to him.

In the end, the droid from before and a doctor nudge him out of the way. Not gently, either, and he doesn't notice. They must have sedated her, because she's calm again. Cassian wonders what his vital signs are as they murmur that her heart rate has returned to an acceptable range. His hasn't.

 _A/N: I went on vacation without my laptop. And I write SLOWLY._


	3. Chapter 3

It was another five days after Jyn's panic in the bacta tank before Cassian is released from the medbay. He's far from healed, and the doctors place him on convalescent leave, which irritates him. No high impact activities. No prolonged standing or marching. He never marches; he's not a boot, but he assumes that the limitations would prohibit long distance walking, too. It feels like a punishment. It isn't, but it feels like it. The pain in his back and hip tempers his frustration somewhat. He knows he's not at his best. His sharpest. The pain edges its way into his consciousness even when he tries to ignore it. He shoves it down deeply, tamping it away with worry. And guilt. He has a shower and some instant soup in his room, not yet ready to face the crowd of faces in the messhall. Then he dresses, and reports to work even though he's supposed to be in his rack healing. It's well past muster when he arrives, and General Draven is occupied when he steps into his work space, but quickly spots him. The tight line of the older man's mouth tells Cassian that this was a very poor idea indeed. He could have delayed this, but he prefers to get the ugly over now. Just cut if off. Sever the infected limb, as it were.

"Captain Andor." Draven's voice is loud enough to be heard across the busy room. "A word." It's not a request.

He follows his CO to the small office he occupies, standing respectfully as the general closes the door and motions him to sit. He chooses to remain standing, partially in deference, but mostly because sitting still hurts.

Draven sits at his largish desk, and just stares at him. Cassian muses that it's not the desk that is large. It's just that the room is small. The perspective is off. Perspective is everything. He meets Draven's gaze evenly. Waiting. He knows this game. He's mastered it. It's what makes him effective.

Draven's face remains stoic, but Cassian can see the fury teeming below the surface. Finally he breaks the silence.

"I trust you are recovering from your injuries, Captain." The tone is almost conversational, except for the slight stress on the rank. Cassian knows it's to remind him of his place. His position. He's a lowly captain. A dime a dozen.

"I'm improving." Noncommittal, but accurate.

"Are you still on con leave?"

"Yes, Sir." A nod. "They did not specify how long…" He trailed off. The duration may not matter.

Draven only answers with a murmur of understanding. A pregnant pause follows, and Cassian braces for what is coming. He knows these rhythms. The parry and riposte. He can play this game. He may not be able to win it, though.

"Do you want to tell me what in the kriff you were thinking?" He's not yelling, but Cassian notices the pulse throbbing in his neck. Barely contained anger.

Cassian pauses, and considers how to respond. He could bait or play. It won't change the outcome.

"I was thinking that we needed the Death Star plans." He replies evenly, eyes steady on Draven. He shifts his gaze to the area between his eyebrows. "And that the Council was too afraid to risk sending a team to capture them."

"So you went rogue?" Draven is no calmer now. "You decided _"to hell with command. I'll lead my own team to battle."_ Is that it? Pull the whole damn Rebellion into your one-man mission to save the galaxy?"

Cassian knows he may have been the ranking officer on the stolen ship, but Jyn was the one they were all following. It was her lead they looked to. It's his responsibility, though. He'll take the blame. It's not as if they can pin it on her, anyway. She's not a part of this fight. Not officially. They can't lock her up and leave her in the brig. Can they?

"No." He shakes his head slowly once. "I decided to do the right thing."

"The RIGHT thing?" A scoff. The words are spat out like a bitter taste. "Disobeying orders. Dereliction of duty. Unauthorized absence. Theft of Alliance property. Shall I continue?" He read the charges the way he had when he addressed Jyn. She handled it better, Cassian notes, and calms his pounding heart.

"Were we successful?" He's genuinely interested. No one has told him the outcome of their raid. He has other questions, but they can wait. Did any forces survive? Ground or air? Anyone else? He turns his attention back to the general.

Draven sighs, and looks down for a breath too long. Cassian feels his heart miss a few beats. No. They couldn't have failed.

"The plans were received by Admiral Raddus' flagship." Draven pauses, and Cassian feels his heart sink lower into his abdomen. He tastes bile on his tongue. "The plans were copied onto a data disk, and launched on a Corvette." Another pause. "We are not currently in possession of the data."

Cassian feels his eyebrows meet his hairline in surprise. And dread.

"The individual responsible for their transport was taken hostage by the Empire, and the files are believed to be on a planet in the possession of a droid."

"What planet?" Cassian hears his voice, but has no memory of ordering his mouth to speak. He's a tactician. Information is his commodity.

"Tattoine." Draven leans back in his chair. Even the chair is worn, Cassian notes. Like all of them.

"Tattoine." He repeats slowly, searching the reaches of his memory for any information he may have come across in his work. It's a desert, he recalls. Empty. Wasteland. Scattered pockets of Rebel fighters here and there, but nothing organized. A few space ports with unsavory reputations.

"Yes. We currently have a team searching for the droid."

"And the…hostage?" Was the Rebel Alliance going to cut bait and run now, too?

"We are attempting a diplomatic resolution."

Cassian knows that those are not Draven's words. He prefers a fight; it's one thing they have in common. The Council. Mon Mothma. Ever the politician. She's attempting diplomacy. There is no diplomatic solution to this.

Silence descends upon the men as they sit, regarding each other. The events of the last week play on repeat in Cassian's brain. We failed.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't strip your rank and toss you in the brig." Draven's eyes have narrowed.

Cassian shrugs with practiced nonchalance. "We retrieved the plans." He chooses his words carefully. "Find them and use them." It's beyond bordering on insolence. He's being deliberately discourteous. He could be NJP'd for his language, but he's in trouble anyway. Why not pile on?

Another silence hangs over the men, and Draven glowers rigidly at his junior officer.

"I will decide on charges later." Cassian tries to keep his face a mask of neutrality. "Dismissed."

The door is open before Draven speaks again. "Andor."

He turns his head before remembering himself, and turning to face the General.

"It's good to see you up and about."

Cassian doesn't speak; just a polite nod before he turns and heads back to his barracks. That went better than he expected professionally. And worse. He paces the small open space in his room considering the news. The plans were received. And then lost. Draven neglected to ask how Jyn is doing, he notes. Maybe he already knows, but it's more likely that he doesn't actually care. Cassian tries sitting, but his back twinges uncomfortably, and his breaths come up short. He lays on his back on his rack, staring at the ceiling. Little drops of condensation bead on the rock above him. Yavin 4 is humid, and the scent of fresh earth and mildew permeate the air. Nothing is ever thoroughly dry here. He tosses for a while on damp sheets before giving up entirely and swinging his legs once more over the side of his cot. Shoving his feet back in his boots, he stands gingerly. The spasm in his back is worse now. He should have rested longer. Or not walked all the way across base to meet his professional fate. He was never great at following doctor's orders.

Standing in the middle of his room, Cassian considers his options. The base is large, but feels suffocating at the same time. The messhall will be packed. The officer's mess will be noisy. And nosy. The hangar is always awash with activity. The war room is out. He's free to wander. He could go outside. Walk. Meander. Clear his head. He's not sure he's up to it.

He ends up standing beside Jyn, although he doesn't remember his feet bringing him here. An orderly brings him a stool. It's too high, and it hurts his back, but he sits obediently. Her hair is damp, he notes, eyes washing over her features. The ends curl around her face, and rebellious fingers brush it away without forethought. She must have just finished in the tank. He thinks he hears a noise, not quite a moan, but something. He grasps her shoulder gently and listens. Nothing. Her forehead is drawn again, a frown ghosting her lips. Dreams. Nightmares, more likely. Again. Or pain. He takes this as a good sign, even though it may not be. He'll hold onto whatever small piece of hope he can.

Pain. Pain and light. A bolt of liquid energy stabbing through her skull. Jyn is only aware of these two things. Her heart rate and heart rate elevate, but she's not aware of the change. She's clawing, trying to break free. To step away from the pain, but there is no escape. Finally, release.

"What's happening?" Cassian's alarmed query falls on deaf ears, as the crowd bustles around the cot at the end of the aisle. He's been shoved roughly aside. The doctor barks something Cassian doesn't catch in his fog, and nurse injects something into the intravenous line. Jyn stills.

"She's alright." A nurse, he figures, turns to him and smiles. He recognizes this one. He was there when Cassian awoke, too. "She'll be okay."

Cassian remains unconvinced, but resumes his vigil after the crowd disperses. The blankets he'd acquired for her have disappeared, and he reaches behind him, and hauls the clean coverlet off the unoccupied rack before spreading it over her carefully. The fabric is limp with moisture, even with the air circulators running. His gaze returns to her face. The bruises are fading to a brilliant shade of green, and he wonders if they would match her eyes were she to open them.

A man of few words, Cassian is at a loss as to what to do. He feels silly just sitting and staring at her, but it comforts him. Seeing her alive. Breathing. It's comforting. He has tried to forget the feel of her crushed against him on that blasted beach. The padded cloth of her vest against his palm. The warm of her. The way she clung to him. He can think of nothing else to do but whisper promises he knows that he can't deliver. When he's run out of words in Common, he reverts to Festian without realizing it. Then, quietly, he sings. Nothing racy or scandalous. A quite melody. A lullaby his mother used to sing to him when he was a child. Fest was prone to storms, and the crashing sounds and flashing lights unsettled him. His mother would lay him gently in his bed, and tuck the blankets securely around him. Then she would kneel beside his low bed, and sing softly in his ear. He tries to not remember. It's one of his last memories of her. He felt safe. Secure. Loved. The words trip awkwardly off of his tongue, the language rusty from disuse. He stumbles over the complex vowels and syllables. He's worked so hard to forget. To lock up that part of him. He was eight before he was fluent enough in Basic to stop dropping Festian into his sentences. He was twelve when he stopped dreaming in Festian. He knows that they nightmares will come again. In his mother tongue. He will dream of her. His mother. Soft and warm and kind. But he keeps singing, because it's the only thing he can think of to do. He keeps his voice low and soft. Only Jyn could hear, if she was awake. Of course if she was, he'd never be so bold.

He waits another hour. Maybe two. It could have been five. He's not sure. A concerned medic shoos him away, and tells him to go eat. Trudging slowly and stiffly back to his barracks, he notes that the walk is long. He's billeted on the other side of the base, almost as far from the medbay as you can get. The journey gives him time to clear his head. He has to make a change.

It's dinner time. Or maybe it's lunch. He can't decide, and isn't sure the time of day matters. It's time for more pain killers, but he hesitates to take them. They make him drowsy, and he's not sure he can handle sleep right now. There are too many faces haunting him there. A shower should help, so he strips off his clothing carefully, wincing as he bends to remove his boots and socks. The hot water feels soothing, and he wonders why it's not this easy to clear a conscience. No amount of water can clean the blood off of his hands. From his memory. There is no soap to scrub this wound clean. No antiseptic to pour over his guilt. He made this decision. He made all of them. Himself. Every trigger pulled. Every operative. Every contact. Every grenade and explosive. Every name. Soldiers. Civilians. Friends. Enemies. Lost. It's messy, and Cassian hates mess. His own face haunts him now; it has for a few years. The men he lost on this ill-fated op come up in pictures in his mind. One by one. Men. Women. Soldiers. Volunteers. Fighting for the Rebellion. For freedom. For…what, exactly? Cassian doesn't even remember what freedom feels like. Maybe it's not real. Maybe it's just an illusion. A lie that generals sell to men like him to convince them to stay in the fight.

But he's seen the fire in Jyn's eyes, and remembers when he had that, too. She was faking it at first, in the ward room on Yavin 4 when he'd first laid eyes on her in person. The pictures in the dossier were flat. Compressed. Didn't do her justice. She can't be contained or explained in two dimensions. He knows the set of her chin. She was shaken to learn that her father was alive. He hadn't expected that. He'd assumed she'd known. The crumpled woman he'd found on hands and knees back on Jedha wasn't the same one he'd seen on Scarif. Silently nodding at him. Jumping. Urging him on. Carrying him toward the beach. The woman who stared down the man in white on the tower platform. Was it Krennic? He thinks he's read about him. Krennic is dangerous. Power hungry. A true believer. Jyn had no blaster. No weapon. But she stood there, chin high, defiant. Ready. Eyes alight with strength and fire facing down a man with a blaster trained on her forehead. He admires that fire. Envies it, even. Will he see it again? Will he have it?

The water is running cooler now, and Cassian remembers that he's supposed to be rationing resources. Flipping the switch to shut it off, he grabs a towel, and roughly dries the water from his skin. His back does feel better after the long shower, he notes, and stretches experimentally to work out the stiffness. He should rest _. "You don't heal if you're not resting."_ He smiles softly, recalling his mother's words. He's not sure rest will heal him.

A nap does make the ache in his hip less noticeable, even if his dreams were vivid and his slumber restless. The chrono on the table near the bed blinks 2147. It's late. He should just go back to sleep. Perhaps he can will himself back into unconsciousness. When he's still staring at the chrono exactly thirty seven minutes later, he signs and rakes a hand over his his face. The adrenaline of the recent battle hasn't fully subsided, he figures. He's still jumping at shadows and pulling up short at sounds. He's always like this, he reasons. This isn't new. The pounding heart. The upset stomach. The insomnia. He's used to this. He would drink, but alcohol and a head injury do not mix well. There is some crappy...he can't remember what it is; gin, maybe? Whisky? It's in his gear locker. It's strong, he recalls, and not unlike fuel in its taste and burn.

The shot glass is where he left it, and he snags it shakily from the shelf. The shot is downed in one gulp, and it burns all the way down his esophagus. This stuff is so strong it just might eat a hole through his stomach. Still, he's feeling warmer in a few minutes. Looser. Relaxed. His pillow is lumpy, he realizes, and he punches it in a futile attempt to find a comfortable position. The dark is not his friend tonight; sleep will not come. Maybe the nap was a mistake. Emboldened by the drink, he decides to walk. He paces the halls this time, and finds himself in the hangar bay. This late at night it's mostly deserted, save for a few dedicated mechanics and the odd pilot who are scurrying around trying to keep the fleet in repair. His U-wing is likely ashes on Eadu now, he thinks, and frowns at the thought.

Eadu. He changed on Eadu. Perhaps he left a piece of him behind there, too. It can stay with the ship, he thinks bitterly. He's better off now. Following orders blindly cost him himself

 _"_ _All of this is as the force wills it."_ Chirrut was so sure. His faith so steadfast.

Cassian definitely thinks that he and the Force have different priorities.

 _A/N: I write slowly, but I had a full week to decide what to write. Be kind. Thank you to the lovely people who left reviews. They really are like hugs with words.  
_

 _Also: con leave = convalescent leave._

 _NJP = nonjudicial punishment. Below a court martial level offense in severity._


	4. Chapter 4

Jyn gained and lost consciousness briefly several times in the coming few days. Cassian was only present for two such occasions, but the nurses and medics assured him that each incidence was similar. Confusion. Disorientation. Quiet moans of pain followed by sedation. They were weaning the meds, and allowing her brain the time it needed to heal, or so said the nurses one afternoon when he wandered in after lunch. He'd tried to be a good patient. He'd napped. Showered. Eaten. Had tea. Hydrated. Tried to nap again. He was weaning himself off the pain medications as his hip improved, and his waking hours were extending as it worked its way out of his system. The medications did little for the back or rib pain, anyway. They barely took the edge off the sharp, stabbing pain he felt with each movement. Cassian was unaccustomed to free time, and always found recovery from injury to be mind numbingly boring. He'd never had friends to visit before. He'd drop by the medbay, and see comrades in arms if they required medical attention. He'd bring what passed as food to them or their friends who stood vigil, should the patient be too ill to eat it. But he'd always held himself apart. Separate. Distant. Never wanting to develop personal attachments. It's easier that way. Easier to walk away. Disappear for weeks at a time. He didn't have to worry about disappointing someone if he kept everyone at arm's length.

Jyn, he knew, had no one else. There would be no raucous groups of well-wishers. No concerned friends or comrades. If Chirrut and Baze were here, they'd no doubt stand watch. Organize tag-team vigils. Burn candles or incense or whatever the kriff it is that the Guardians do. Chirrut would pray. Baze would act annoyed with him, but humor his friend nonetheless. Together they'd coax her into wakefulness with their supplications and comedic banter. But they're gone. They're gone, and Bodhi is gone. The whole team is gone. K-2SO is destroyed. And Jyn is all he has left of best and bravest thing he's ever done. He'd welcomed her home once. It was only a few days ago; not even two weeks time had passed. But he could remember standing a hint too close to her in the hangar as she admitted that people in her life never stick around. He'd actually said to her "welcome home," and he'd meant it. This could be her home. She could fit here. Find a place. She could...he couldn't finish the thought. He wasn't able to put words to what he was thinking. It didn't translate into Galactic Basic well, but home on Fest they had a phrase that sort of meant _"the place where you are yourself and you know everyone and are comfortable."_ The cumbersome translation doesn't do it justice, he thinks.

Yesterday he'd been at her side, standing that time, and he'd noticed something was missing. How had he missed this? It was so obvious. His job was to notice the details that everyone else overlooked. He was getting sloppy.

"Excuse me." He urgently approached a medic who had taken down the last set of vital signs from the readout.

"Yes, Sir." The poor kid looked scared. Actually petrified.

Cassian tried to add some cheer to his tone. Sound friendly. "Where is her necklace? The necklace!"

"Necklace?" The young medic didn't look like he was lying, Cassian thought of himself as something of a human lie detector. It was a trait he'd honed to near perfection in his line of work. "I don't know about a necklace." The poor kid's accent grew thicker as his nerves frayed. Cassian notes that he's from the Expansion Region. What drove him to join the Rebellion? Was his home world destroyed by the Empire? _Like mine?_

"She was wearing a necklace when we came in. A crystal on a piece of string." Unless it was lost. Unless it burned? It must be valuable to her. He'd seen her fiddle with it over the few days he'd known her. She'd extract it from her shirt, and grasp it in her hand with closed eyes when she thought no one was looking. Bring it to her lips with closed eyes. He guessed what it was, but it's providence was less clear to him. Something told him that it was important; a link to her past of some nature. A gift, perhaps? She drew comfort from it, and he wanted it back. For her. That's what a friend would do. Right?

He ordered the scared kid to bring him her personal effects, and he rifled through what was left of them. Boots - tiny boots. Almost small enough for a child. Singed strips of pants. Mostly intact shirt if you ignore the shredded sleeves and the fact that it had been cut from her body. Pieces of her vest. He spread all of this out on an empty gurney, and shook the bag a few times upside down to ensure it was empty. Nothing. He crammed the tattered bits of her clothing angrily back in the bag, seething with rage. Heads would roll if that necklace didn't turn up. Thievery was not to be tolerated. He knocked one boot off the edge of the bed as he grabbed for the pair of them, and it clattered to the rocky ground. Cassian squatted down carefully, mindful of his back, to grab the wayward footwear when his eyes spied something sticking out from the inside. Fingers swept the shoe, and grasped at cloth cord. The necklace. A crystal, imperfect but beautiful, suspended on a cord. He couldn't contain the sigh of relief. She should have this with her. It brings her comfort, he reasoned, and in this messed up world full of war, what precious little comfort can be found should be afforded. Cassian wrapped the cord securely around her neck, and fastened it carefully.

 _"That's what she is grasping for in her sleep,"_ he realized. The right hand, fisted near her sternum. She's grasping for the necklace.

He was sitting at her side on that blasted, too-high stool again when her eyelids fluttered open and closed, and he lost his train of thought. He'd only been sitting here for a few minutes updating her on recent events and snippets of gossip that filtered their way into his well-trained ears. The medics and nurses were all busy at the moment, having just finished their afternoon assessment of the patients. He hurriedly glanced around the bay, and found no one to alert, so he sat again. Watching. Waiting. The words flowed easily before, when he knew she wasn't listening, and he spoke in Basic and Festian. He added in a few smattering phrases of several other languages he'd picked up on during his time in the Rebellion. Most of it was just to keep him from fidgeting. To keep him from thinking. Maintain some sanity. Now that she was moving, and the possibility of her remembering his soliloquy was real, he found himself rendered mute. Useless.

Instead of speaking, he just watched. And hoped. He considered praying. He'd heard Chirrut do it enough to know the words, but they rang hollow in his soul, and left a sour taste in his mouth. Cassian Andor was not a man of faith. He was a man of action. Capable. Smart. Cold?

"Jyn?" His voice was soft. Gentle. "Jyn?"

It took a few minutes, probably twenty or more before her eyes stayed open for more than a second or two.

"Jyn." No longer a question, but so many questions remained. "Are you okay?" He physically winced at utter idiocy of this question. Waking after a coma was pretty much the dictionary definition of _"not okay._ " He changed tactics. "You're okay. You're in the medbay in the Rebel base on Yavin 4." Better to reassure than to question.

"Hey." He whispered when she didn't respond, and grasped her small shoulder with upmost care.

She blinked a few times, eyes unfocused, and then they slid slowly closed again.

"No!" Still soft, but Cassian was fervent. "No, no no. Jyn. Come on. Open your eyes. Look at me."

Cassian could swear that the jungle planet came crashing to a halt as he waited for her to look at him. Eyelids slowly cracking open with a silent grimace.

The doctor and her staff were alerted to the change in Jyn's condition, and within seconds, her gurney was overrun with clamboring personnel and med droids. Cassian found himself pushed aside. Useless. Useless but still elated. He tried to ignore the questions gathering in his mind. Why was he so thrilled? Why did this matter so much to him? She was an asset. A means to an end. A criminal. A target. She was...

A war hero. The honest voice in the back of his mind tore through the chatter. A friend. If he held on, and didn't screw this up, she could be a friend.

Jyn, for her part, was having trouble fitting the pieces together. She was dead. She'd died on that beach. There'd been heat and light. Sand scrubbing at her exposed skin from every direction; blasting her clothing. Sand in her mouth. Her eyes. Cassian's arms around were her. Her arms around him. Warm. Solid. Comforting. Whispered apologies. _Sorry for what?_ Flying. Then pain. She hit something, or something hit her. Then...nothing.

The bright lights made her eyes ache and the throb in her skull was now a roar. So many people. So many questions. She just wanted to sleep. She blinked and tried to focus. Doctors don't worry this much about patients who are already dead. And if there's this many doctors in the afterlife, then she's pretty sure she's been ripped off. Spending her afterlife in a hospital is pretty much the worse version of hell she can imagine. Saw never trusted doctors.

They finish their tests, and leave her be. Jyn feels a bit like a lab experiment, but she's exhausted. Her limbs feel like boulders, heavy and pinning her to the stiff mattress. A hand grasps hers, and she drags her eyes toward the sensation, frowning all the while. It's a person, of course, and she shifts her gaze to the face. The features are blurry at first, and she blinks to bring everything back into focus. Cassian.

He's smiling at her, and she frowns more deeply. He never smiles. Not really. Not like this. Jyn opens her mouth; tries to speak, but no sounds emit.

"You're on Yavin 4." He answers her unasked question, repeating their location as it's unlikely she heard him the first time. "You've been out for a few days." It's been nine days, actually. He's been counting, not that he'd admit it to anyone.

"Plans." She manages to rasp, her voice barely more than a hoarse whisper.

"You did it, Jyn." Her eyelids flutter shut once more as he traces the hollows of her cheekbones with the back of one knuckle.

"We." Her eyes open wide, and Cassian wonders if it's possible to drown in those green pools of stars.

He gifts her with a smile, warm and genuine. "We did it."

"Others?"

Her concern for the rest of the team doesn't surprise him. She's proven herself to be loyal. How can he tell her this? Rather than trust himself to speak, he shakes his head slowly. "No."

Jyn's eyes squeeze shut for several seconds. "No one?"

"Some of the ground troops were evacuated in time. Not many, but a few." He's been gathering intel; piecing it together. "Some of the ships made it. We...we nearly died there." Invisible fingers close around his larynx, and Cassian has to take a few shaky breaths to steady himself. "A, uh, a pilot scooped us up after the first shock wave. I guess it blew us a few dozen meters from the shore. You hit your head on something. Debris or a rock. No one is sure. But you're okay now." He was babbling.

It's the abridged version of what happened, in all honesty. A few days before he'd found the co-pilot and the crew of the troop transport that saved them from the carnage. They were scouring the beaches for stragglers to evacuate when they spotted Jyn and Cassian, wrapped in each other's embrace, being blown at least one hundred meters from the shore line. His last second decision to turn his back to the shockwave to protect her from the brunt of it was nearly her undoing. Maybe she wouldn't have hit her head if he'd turned a different direction. Or not turned at all. Or tried to keep walking. Stumbling, more accurately. He treats the pain in his battered body like a penance. The crew lowered the ship as much as they could, and the copilot fast roped down to the beach as the ocean started boiling. Cassian had refused to let go of Jyn, insisting that the man take her to the craft. They'd spent precious seconds arguing before the copilot understood they were wasting time. Cassian had mustered the last of his energy and followed Jyn's seemingly lifeless body like a beacon as the Rebel copilot fireman carried her to the ship. He only had time to toss her onto the deck and jump inside, pulling Cassian in after him as the pilot took flight. The earth shook and shattered as they sped away from the wreckage of what used to be a tropical paradise. It was a close call; the closest he'd had in his career, including Jedha.

"Chirrut? Baze?"

Cassian felt his heart splinter a little. She had so much hope. Faith.

"I'm sorry."

"Bodhi?"

He pained look on his face was all the answer she needed. They'd all died. The first people she'd trusted and cared about since she was sixteen. They'd all died.

"...Star?" Her strength was fading, but Cassian understood her question.

"It was destroyed, Jyn." He reached for her hand. "Your father would have been proud of you."

A single tear escaped and traced a line down her cheek.

 _A/N: So. No one liked chapter 3. That's okay. I like it. It's splintered, and a little train-of-thought, because that's how Cassian's processing everything. Healing isn't fluid and linear and pretty. And I apologize, but I'm not justifying my creative decisions. You'll see. Nothing about this story will be an accident. Also, I'm playing fast and loose with timelines here, because I CAN! :D_

 _Please be kind. Reviews are like chocolate (and I love chocolate). Have a lovely weekend._


	5. Chapter 5

Cassian's heart felt lighter than he could remember as he crossed to his barracks room on the other side of base. His limp was quite pronounced, and his back pinched uncomfortably with each step, but he failed to notice. Jyn was awake. She'd fallen asleep shortly after he updated her on the destruction of the Death Star, and he'd been too relieved to move from his place at her side for several hours. Once again, the medical staff had to request that he end his visit, but this time they said it was for her benefit. She needs to rest. Cassian was reluctant to go should she awaken again and be confused. What if her short term memory was damaged? Eventually exhaustion and pain won out, and he agreed to leave her.

"I'll be back in the morning." He promised her sleeping form, whispered words falling on sleeping ears.

He hadn't told her about Alderaan. He'd nearly been ill when he'd learned of the full scale destruction of the planet, and he was closer to fully healed and functional than she is, he reasoned. He saw no reason to burden her with that knowledge, yet. She'd know soon enough. Secrets weren't a possibility on this base. Several times in the past few years Cassian had wondered how the Empire hadn't wiped them out already, given how lippy the fighters were. Perhaps they kept their tongues still when it mattered.

The mattress felt harder than usual tonight. The sheets were damp. And little drops of condensation smacked the floor loudly in the darkness, their weight having loosed them from their attachment to the ceiling above him. It was several hours before Cassian fell into a restless sleep. His job was still on the line, and Draven had neglected to inform him of any charges being levied against him. No one had come to tell him to remove his captain placard, so he figured there would at least be a trial or proceeding of some sort. It didn't matter. The Death Star was destroyed. The only other surviving member of Rogue One was awake, and seemingly coherent. He replayed their conversation in his mind, searching for nuances and abnormalities to indicate lasting damage, but found none. Her personality, speech patterns, and memory appeared intact. Some amnesia of events surrounding the injury was to be expected, he knew. Force knows that Cassian has had his share of concussions, and can't quite recall all of the events around those with perfect accuracy. Eventually exhaustion won, and he fell into a fitful, restless sleep for a few short hours.

Cassian braved the messhall in the morning, and ate his bland breakfast without noticing the taste. He was finished his now-cold caf when a body appeared in his visual field.

"Andor!" The figure seated himself on the other side of the table, and Cassian glanced up from his mug.

"Rip." He nodded genially. Captain Rip Waqar wasn't his least favorite person. They'd hung out a few times. Knocked back a few drinks from time to time. He was a decent fellow. Trustworthy.

"So you're a hero or something now, huh?" Rip's lopsided smile tugged at the left side of his face.

Cassian shrugged and set down the empty mug. "I'm just..." He didn't know how to finish that. He didn't feel like a hero. Bodhi was a hero. Melshi. Sefla. They were heroes.

"I heard Draven's madder than bantha piss."

"Oh?" Cassian had to know where he got this information. "From whom?"

"Word gets around, mate." Rip slapped the table jovially. "Anyway, I haven't seen you around. Just wanted to see if you're, you know, okay." He finished the sentence lamely, realizing that he didn't wish to be more specific. He'd been in enough battles, and had seen enough death to understand Cassian's reticence to dwell on Scarif.

"I'm..." He hesitated, searching for the right word. "I'm improving."

Rip nodded in understanding, and pushed his chair from the table. "Let me know if you want to get a drink, okay?"

He was gone before Cassian could respond. A drink sounds nice.

The long limp, as he decided to call it, to medbay brought a few more hellos. Cassian realized belatedly that they'd likely been there all along, but he hadn't noticed them when he was too consumed with worry to function. Jyn was awake, and arguing with a med droid about something when he arrived. Jyn, apparently, was not enjoying the congealed blobs in various shades of grey on her tray, and the droid found this to be an unacceptable reason to not consume the meal. Cassian tried to conceal a smile.

"Is there a problem?"

Jyn fixed him with a withering glare. "No problem." Her eyes were shining, even as she frowned. "I'm just explaining that I'm not eating this slop, and apparently I've offended it's Maker."

Cassian held up a hand to silence the droid before the protests began. "It looks cold." It looked unappetizing, but not too much more than his own breakfast had. The food is always more palatable when it's hot.

"It IS cold!" Jyn exasperatedly turned to make a face at the med droid. "I didn't ask for treatments in the middle of breakfast." Realistically, she knew she'd be better off eating. Any meal is better than no meal. Eight years in Saw's personal army had taught her to not turn up her nose at any form of sustenance. But she was feeling argumentative and feisty this morning, they weren't letting her out of bed unsupervised, and she was looking for a fight.

"Can we rewarm it?" Cassian tried to play the neutral peacemaker, but inwardly he was relieved. Jyn, awake and arguing, was a balm to his psyche. This is the Jyn he knows. She's going to be fine.

"I am not programmed for culinary functions." Cassian swears the droid _huffed_ at him, and it makes him miss K-2.

"How about you find someone who is." He handed the droid the tray, and rolled the stool nearer to the gurney. As the droid left the area, he sat and smiled. "It's really not as unappetizing as it looks."

"I know." She almost sounds petulant, and he has to work to hide the smile that creeps along the edges of his mouth.

"You're bored." He observes. How is it possible to be bored when you've only been awake for two or three hours?

Jyn just shrugs in response. "They won't let me up."

"You were unconscious for nine days." He reminds her. "You should be taking it easy."

Jyn is silent for a few moments, and fiddles with the blankets before turning to face him. "Are you okay? I mean, your injuries? You were..." She trails off, unable to find the words to finish.

"I'll be alright." He glosses over the gory details. Ribs and femurs and surgeries.

"You're limping."

He hid his amazement at her observation. She hadn't even been looking at him when he'd come in. "A bit."

"And?"

"I'll heal." He saw her eyebrows elevate, and added. "Mostly."

She nods twice, and drops her gaze back to her hands, still fiddling with the edges of the blankets. This was easier yesterday, Cassian thinks. When she was disoriented and he was high on adrenaline from seeing her eyes open. The sit in awkward silence for a few minutes until the droid returns with the breakfast tray.

"I hope the temperature is to your satisfaction, Jyn Erso."

Cassian snickers quietly, and wonders who programmed this droid. Did they mean for it to sound sarcastic?

Jyn picks up a spoon as the med droid departs, and tentatively tries on of the lumps. She shrugs, and keeps eating as silence continued to envelope to the two. She only manags to finish off half the tray, but Cassian is satisfied that she's received at least some nourishment. Jyn is trying to remember the last time she'd had an actual, honest meal, although she's hesitant to categorize this as such. For as far back as she can remember she's been scrapping together calories from discarded items, nutribars, stolen bites here and there. There was the occasional mark, a gullible male in a seedy cantina, who she could convince to buy her a few bites. Wobani wasn't known for it's cuisine, but she hadn't actually starved. There were days, though, that she'd wondered at the possibility. Long days of manual labor and barely sufficient calories to cover basal metabolic rate had left her with constant hunger pangs and debilitating dizziness. She'd actually passed out once, from hunger she thinks. No one had cared, except for the Stormtroopers. They'd kicked her in the abdomen until the pain revived her, and she'd dragged herself up to standing, leaning heavily on a boulder and trying to dig with her pitifully short shovel while she bit back vomit. The guilt of having food in front of her go uneaten finally drives her to reach for the tray again. Who knows when her next meal will be. She's going soft. Saw would be disappointed. Cassian's brow furrows as he hands her the uneaten remains of her breakfast, once again cold now. He watches in silence as she mechanically shovels the cold slop into her mouth.

"Done?" He asks, fingers grasping the edge of the tray after she put the spoon down. She only nods an affirmative, so he places the item on the table next to him.

"Do you want to lay back?" He offers, trying to break the silence.

"I want to leave." Her voice is steady. Resolved. Cassian swallows the lump in his throat.

"Leave sick bay?" Or leave Yavin 4?

"I'm tired of being in bed, and they won't let me walk around."

Cassian regulates his breathing, and keeps his face neutral and impassive. "You were injured."

"Less than you." She retorts, but there's no bite behind it. She remembers his agonizing breaths. The weight of him as he leaned on her. The way he groaned when she'd lowered him down to the sand on the edge of that bloody beach. "I broke an ankle and hit my head." She pauses, rewatching Cassian's fall in her memory. "And I'm fine."

"I have no doubt." He wonders if their interactions will always be this stilted and pause laden. "But you should rest." She left out the rest of her injuries. The abrasions on her back where her skin was nearly ripped off as they skidded across the sand and debris when the shock wave hit them. The burns on her hands from the heat of the blast. The torn muscle in her hip that had to be reattached. He's not sure how that tendon managed to rupture, but it does help explain the limp she'd had on the tower. Between the thigh and her ankle, how she managed to support his weight and hers is a mystery to him. Chirrut would call it a miracle.

"They tell me that I rested for nine days. That's enough."

She pushes her hair behind her ears, and Cassian's eyes are drawn to the movement. It's already longer than it was a few days ago. The stims make all cells turn over quickly, he knows, including inside hair follicles. His own hair is nearly back to his desired length.

They sit in mostly awkward, but companionable silence for a while longer before Cassian is called away. He tells her he'll be back later before he leaves, and the skeptical look in her eyes nearly unravels him. _"It's not skepticism."_ His mind tells him. _"It's fear."_ She keeps it well hidden, and covered with so many other emotions that he can't name them all. But he knows it. He sees through her.

Draven wants to speak to Cassian again. He's answered all of his questions. He turned in his mission report. He's briefed everyone, and answered all of their questions several times, too. Schooling his features into his usual mask of neutrality, Cassian limps to the General's office.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?" He draws himself to attention in the doorway. Draven is not alone.

"Andor." The General motions him inside. "We need to talk. About the Erso girl."

Cassian swallows bile as he takes a seat and waits, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from arguing with his superior over the use of the term "girl."

"It's my understanding that she's awake now." Draven is scrolling through a datapad, and not making eye contact.

"She is." His voice sounds as detached as he'd hoped it would.

"Good. Good." The older man nods as he reads, then places the pad down heavily on the desk. "Your report indicates that she played a significant role in obtaining the structural plans."

 _Significant role?_ More like singular. Cassian just nods. "Yes, sir."

"What do we do with her now?" Draven is looking at him now, attention focused only on his junior officer's face.

Cassian's eyes furtively glance around the room. Commanding officers from various sections of the Rebel Alliance. Logistics. Artillery. Recon. SpecOps. Communications. Law enforecemnt. They've brought the works.

"Do, Sir?" He's buying time, gathering his thoughts.

"Can she be trusted?"

Cassian remembers Draven's disdain for Jyn, so glaringly obvious when he'd addressed her in shackles barely two weeks ago.

"I trust her, Sir." He recalls her shoulder impacting his rib cage in the square on Jedha as she'd flattened him into the ground. She'd save his life when she barely tolerated him. That grenade would have ended him, or at least maimed him significantly. Instead he walked away uninjured. Idly, Cassian wonders now if the blast isn't where some of the injuries to her back happened. Had she bit back the pain and continued on?

"Even now that the fight isn't personal?" Lieutenant Colonel Jiro queries.

Infantry, Cassian recalls. "It's very personal." He replies evenly. He doesn't want to talk _about_ Jyn when she's not here. They nearly lost their lives on Scarif. That's about as personal as it gets.

"But can she be effective?" A colonel that Cassian can't recall having met asks.

"Effective, Ma'am?" Cassian pauses. "Jyn Erso is a well trained soldier. She's smart. She's strong. She's resourceful. She saved my life, risked hers, and nearly lost it. If you're considering offering her a job, then I encourage you to do so."

"You indicated in your report that Lieutenant Sefla bestowed the rank of sergeant to Ms. Erso before the Battle of Scarif." Draven is scrolling though the datapad again. He's very good at changing the subject and keeping you off guard. The mark of an Intel officer.

"He did." Why is this relevant?

"Very well. Dismissed."

Cassian rises hesitantly. He wants to say more, to make a case for offering a commission to Jyn Erso, but words elude him. Instead, he excuses himself, and heads back to his room. Are they planning on enlisting her or shipping her off this planet? She'd served her purpose to their cause. She'd been an asset. A means to an end. And, yet, somehow, she's become so much more.

"It's just adrenaline." He tells himself aloud in the privacy of his quarters. "The effects of the battle. It will wear off."

 _No it won't_ , his brain replies.

* * *

He doesn't visit again until lunch, and she's eating without an argument when he arrives. Lunch appears to be a repeat of breakfast, although he figures it's basically what they're serving in the mess. Not exciting, but it fills the stomach and provides calories and nutrients.

"They offered me a position." Jyn breaks the silence that seems to fill space around them now that she's awake.

"What unit?" He knows it won't be intel. Draven doesn't trust her enough for intel. That's okay, he reasons. He couldn't work with her anyway. There are rules and regulations.

"Infantry. Rank of corporal." Her response interrupts his train of thought.

Cannon fodder. They're wasting her talents. She'll be effective. She'll be the best in the unit, he knows. But it's a waste. She should be leading. They should have commissioned her. The demotion grates at him, too. Sefla gave her sergeant stripes, metaphorically. Is this the Rebellion's way of reminding her of her place?

Instead of responding he nods thoughtfully. The silence stretches on until he's forced to pierce it. "What did you say?"

Jyn shrugs this time. "I've got to be somewhere. Might as well be here."

Cassian hadn't realized he was holding his breath, and slowly blew it out through pursed lips.

"So you're staying?" He tries to not sound too hopeful.

"I guess." She shrugs again, and he notes her shoulders move asymmetrically. "It's a..." She searches for the word they used. "Provisional thing. A trial run, I suppose."

They're testing her. They're seeing if she'll follow orders. He's seen it before.

"When are they releasing you?" He glances around the medbay to indicate his meaning.

"After lunch."

Cassian can't contain his surprise. "That soon?" She's only been conscious for just over twenty four hours.

"I'm fine." She rolls her eyes at him, and he tries to contain the smirk as his mouth edges traitorously toward something resembling a smile.

"So I've heard."

* * *

Jyn sits heavily on her bunk, and surveys her surroundings. It's easily the worst position in the bay. Nearest the door. Guaranteed to be noisy. She'll never get any sleep here. But it's a mattress with a blanket and a pillow. Nearly unknown luxuries. She has a locker, too, but nothing to put in it. No one has mentioned uniform issue, so she didn't bring it up. A terse corporal gave her a short tour of the work and living spaces, but she could tell the young woman was not thrilled about playing tour guide. She doesn't report until tomorrow morning, and her company commander was very clear that muster is at 0730 sharp. She's still on light duty. No strenuous exercise. No alcohol. Lots of rest and water and boredom, and Jyn isn't sure what she's expected to do after this muster. The regimented nature of the Rebellion is a stark contrast from Saw's freeform organization. Rank and structure are new, and Jyn worries she'll chafe at their confines.

With no place to be, and the beginnings of a headache building behind her left eye, she decides to try sleeping, and stretches out on her rack. The door opens and closes no less than nine times in the first twenty minutes of her attempt at a nap, and Jyn knows that she won't be sleeping much here.

* * *

 _A/N: Yes, it's awkward and pausey. That's on purpose. Thank you again to all the kind souls who reviewed with kind words. They mean so much._


	6. Chapter 6

Cassian doesn't see much of Jyn for the next two weeks. His back still pinches when he moves certain ways, and his hip aches from time to time, but he's otherwise healing well. The doctor clears him for field work, and he's planning missions again before he knows it. The punishments that were threatened never materialized, and Cassian wonders if the threats were empty to begin with. Was Draven just messing with his head? He's usually better at reading him, but Cassian hit his head pretty hard when he fell. Perhaps he'd lost a step. Or two. His name comes up on the watchbill for night duty two days before he's scheduled to depart for his first op since Scarif.

Watch is rarely difficult, and even more infrequently is it eventful. The most challenging part of this watch is staying awake and alert, but Cassian is trained to keep his mind occupied during a lull in activity. He's the officer of the watch tonight; he could sleep and leave the actual work to the others, but he doesn't. He prefers to stay occupied. The busyness helps him stay alert. It keeps his mind off of other things. It bonds him with the men and women he works with. Still, after nearly four hours of endlessly watching nothing happen on the monitors and taking reports, he's almost numb from boredom when he sees movement on a screen. He has to force his eyes to open and remind himself to pay attention. The Empire could have penetrated their security. They've set up roving watches, who roam the perimeter at random intervals. There are guards in the towers, too, but even the most vigilant eye could miss something in this densely forested land. It's too late for someone to be working in that part of the abandoned temple complex. It's not part of the operational base, he knows, because it is considered more sacred.

"Sir?" The private beside him noticed the movement, too. "What _is_ that?" He's leaning toward the screen, almost blocking Cassian's view.

"I'll go check it out, Sir." Private Dilgur rises and grabs the blaster that he'd leaned against the console.

Cassian's dark brown eyes are glued to the screen, and he shakes his head and answers sharply. "No." He rises, and schools his voice into something more conversational. "I'll check it out. You keep watch. Log this." He points to the keypad, and waves off the weapon. "I'll be okay." He has his sidearm, a trusty blaster pistol in his hip holster. The weight of it is comforting and familiar, and Cassian tries to not think of how much he's needed to rely on it in his life.

The night air is cool and damp and heavy with the intoxicating scent of night blooming flowers as Cassian moves easily through the semi-darkness. The monitor in question was filming activities located in the farthest original building in the temple complex. It's smaller than the others, and believed to be the oldest. Like the other buildings, though, the interior is a maze of passages and tunnels. The stillness envelopes him as he noiselessly climbs the last of the stairs leading to the open chamber at the top. The original builders of this structure designed this particular pyramidal building to have no roof, but excellent drainage.

There is a figure, swathed in cloth and darkness, huddled on the floor in the middle of the room, eyes drawn up to the heavens above.

"Jyn." His voice is a whisper, but it cuts sharply through the silence, and she whirls to face him, nearly levitating to her feet.

"Cassian." It comes out as a strangled shriek, and she's grateful for the night that covers the flush that quickly rises from her collar.

Making his way over to the center of the room, he takes a seat next to where she'd been sitting, the blanket she'd dropped marking her spot as she backs away from him.

"Sit." He motions, handing her the blanket.

She complies hesitantly, and drops next to him. Cassian feels the coolness of the damp floor seeping through his uniform pants. The rough hewn rock floor is sharp as he settles himself beside her, straining to find a comfortable position for his hip. He used to move with such ease. Before Scarif. Before he fell and hit every durasteel beam on the way down the unforgiving grate below.

"What are you doing here?" He's still whispering, but he's not sure why, but it feels to him as if speaking in a normal volume will somehow cause this whole situation to dissolve into the ether.

"Am I in trouble?" Jyn sees no reason for whispers, and speaks aloud.

She's deflecting, and he allows it for a moment. "No." He pauses. "I saw you on the cams. Just checking in. See how you are."

She doesn't answer at first, and he sees her shoulders rise and fall. "I'm fine." Another pause. "I just wanted some quiet."

"Are you following me?" She waits so long between sentences that Cassian is momentarily confused about her meaning.

"I'm on watch tonight. I saw you on the securicam." He knew it was her. The grace of her movements. The profile of her face. It could only be her. He'd know her anywhere, even in the dark, fuzzy picture of the ancient security cameras.

The wind blows the clouds away from the moon, and for the first time he can almost see her face clearly. Here, illuminated by moonlight, he can see she is tired. Exhausted. Dark circles rim her eyes, and her mouth is drawn. A gentle breeze is causing the loose hair that frames her face to flutter, and his hand twitches with effort to remain on the ground.

"How's infantry?"

"Fine." One corner of her mouth turns up briefly. "Bessel's an idiot." She hasn't actually punched him, yet, but she's thought about it. At night when she can't sleep she imagines the hundreds of ways she'd like to teach him a thing or two about command and leadership. Perhaps Saw's lessons aren't as useful as she once believed, though, so she mostly holds her tongue.

Her company commander. Cassian nods, and doesn't disagree. The man is an idiot. A decent guy, but not the brightest.

"When is the last time you slept?" He isn't going to let her off the hook completely.

She doesn't respond, and Cassian knows he has his answer. He's seen the type of barracks she's in. Open bay, like the infirmary, but with forty double bunks, enough to sleep eighty soldiers. Noisy. No privacy. He's grateful for his single room. Junior enlisted berthing is terrible, and they cheated her out of a rank that would give her any privacy or comfort.

He sits with her in silence, both of them staring at the sky for a few minutes. The stars glisten against the inky backdrop of the night sky. Without cities or lights to pollute it, the night sky is an elegant and infinite tapestry. He finds it stiflingly beautiful at times; it makes him feel small. Insignificant.

"Come on." He rises awkwardly to his feet, and extends a hand to her. "Come with me."

She doesn't take the proffered hand, but climbs to her feet obediently, messily folding the worn blanket she'd dragged off of her bunk. Cassian leads her back through the endless corridors, and realizes that she probably knows these paths better than he does. He's never actually been to this part of the complex before. Perhaps she comes often. He slows and lets her walk beside him. It takes nearly half of an hour to reach his destination on foot, and neither one speaks during the journey. He punches a code into the key pad near a door, and ushers her inside. Jyn takes a tentative step through the threshold, and looks around. He's taken her to his quarters.

Cassian busies himself for a moment grabbing a single mug and heating water.

"Have a seat." He motions to a chair as he pushes a mug of steaming liquid across the table top.

Jyn gingerly picks up the beverage and holds it to her nose, inhaling deeply.

"What is this?" She quirks an eyebrow at him.

"Tanborian root." He hands her the tin so she can see the label. "It'll help you sleep." He's used this plenty of times when he's been unable to rest. When the weight of his job and the things he's done lay heavily on his conscience.

"I have to get back." He stands, and she nods and gulps the too-hot tea as she pushes away from the table. "No." He drops a gentle hand to her shoulder. "You stay. Sleep here. I'm on watch all night. It'll be quiet." This is the first time he's touched her since she was released from sick bay, and his fingers burn where they meet the scratchy material of her shirt.

"I..." Jyn eyes him nervously, and glances around the room.

"I have meetings in the morning, so you should be able to get a few solid hours in. The sheets are pretty clean." He thinks he remembers changing them two days ago. Was it three? "Refresher's through there. Make yourself at home." She should have the day off tomorrow; almost everyone does. It's the Rebellion's version of a weekend. He ignores the memory of her stealing his blaster from his bag. He refuses to believe that she'll rifle through his personal effects. He doesn't have much worth stealing, anyway. His life is not conducive to the collection of worldly possessions.

"Thank you." Jyn swallows her discomfort at intruding on his personal space. The privacy he's offering is enticing. It's been so long since she's been comfortable.

"Get some rest." Cassian twitches, and pulls himself back through the doorway. He's been gone too long, and it will all be in the official logbook. He wonders how many rules he's going to break before this is all sorted out.

* * *

Private Dilgur is blushing and trying to avoid looking at him when Cassian returns to his post.

"All conditions normal." He motions back to the keypad, indicating that the private should make his entry.

"Yes, Sir."

Cassian knows he's been watching. He didn't try to avoid the cameras on his way back to his room; there isn't really a way to avoid them all. By acting like he has nothing to hide, he hopes to alleviate the discomfort of the poor kid sitting beside him.

"How old are you, Private?" He keeps his voice conversational.

"Eighteen, Sir."

Cassian nods. So young. He remembers being eighteen. Although he didn't feel young then. "Where are you from?"

"Rishi."

Cassian gives another nod. He's never been there, but he's heard of it. It's in the Outer Rim.

"Nice place?"

"It's, uh, okay, Sir."

Cassian can tell the Dilgur isn't comfortable talking about his home, and he changes the subject mercifully. If anyone understands not wanting to discuss his personal life, it's Cassian Andor. He lets the subject drop abruptly.

* * *

Cassian ends up sitting through two seemingly endless meetings after his watch ends. The daily intelligence brief runs long, which isn't a surprise, but the second meeting is long and pointless. Nothing is accomplished, and he walks away hungry and irritated. He stops at the chowhall for breakfast, and surveys the room for familiar faces. He ends up sitting next to Lieutenant Bessel, and tells himself that it is merely coincidence.

"Andor." Bessel shoots him a nod of acknowledgement.

"Morning." He's not great at this sort of small talk, even with people he knows reasonably well. Like Rip Waqar, he and Farad Bessel have shared a few drinks.

"You look like hell." Bessel shoots him a sympathetic grin, and takes a too-large bit if porridge. "You sleep at all?"

"Night watch. Then briefs."

Bessel just snorts a response, and shoots him a pointed look.

Cassian wonders if Private Dilgur has been spreading stories around base of the watch officer having a torrid affair during duty. Rather than ask, he just waits patiently. Bessel will talk if he has something to say. He's not a bad guy, just not ready for his position.

"Your girl is spirited."

"My girl?" It takes Cassian a full three seconds to realize Bessel means Jyn.

"The Erso girl."

"Trouble?" Why does everyone insist on calling her a girl, he wonders? He's seen her take down a half dozen Stromtroopers with nothing but her baton. She's more soldier than most of them. Cassian knows that he isn't that talented with close quarters combat.

"She ever follow orders?" Bessel takes a large bite of bread, and chews with his mouth a bit too open for Cassian's preference.

"Problem?"

"She's mouthy." Cassian is not surprised to hear this assessment. "Questions everything. Always wants to do it her way."

"Mmmhmm." He doesn't dignify that with a real response.

"She's going to have to learn to follow orders."

Cassian thinks of Jyn, alone. On her own. For years. The intelligence trail dried up when she was around sixteen, and he's ascertained that she parted ways with Saw Gerrera around that time. Orders probably weren't high on her list of priorities. He reminds himself to ask why she left the Partisans. He wonders what kind of orders Saw Gerrera gave her. He figures she followed those. She likely didn't have a choice. Saw wasn't known for his mercy or compassion.

"I've got to go." Bessel claps a hand on his shoulder as he rises, grabbing his tray with the other hand. "Take care, man."

He finally makes it back to his quarters after being waylaid twice more on the way from the galley. All he wants is a quick shower, and a nap, but he stops dead in his tracks as soon as the door swishes open. He'd anticipated returning to an empty room, but Jyn is curled up on his arm chair. It's larger than a chair, really, maybe it would seat two if they don't mind being very close together. He'd meant for her to take the bed. Relax. Stretch out. But here she is, curled into a ball with her head cushioned on her arm, and her thin jacket as a blanket. He doesn't mind her presence at all; it's just unexpected. The niggling feeling in his mind keeps asking him why he likes seeing her here. He never has visitors. He never welcomes strangers into his sanctuary. But, Cassian reasons, nearly dying wrapped in each other's arms in a fiery blast on Scarif may have pushed them over the edge from strangers to...something else. Determining _what_ that something is is going to drive him mad, and force him to loose precious hours of sleep, though.

He quietly steps inside and closes the door before prying eyes gather and take note. Toeing off his boots, he pads across the damp floor to grab a pillow from his bed. He considers lifting her head to slip the item under her neck, but he hesitates. Rather than risk waking her, he just leaves it beside the chair. The refresher is noisy, and she clearly hasn't slept in days. Deciding to forgo a bath for now, he changes into more comfortable clothing, and stretches out on the bed, eyes trained on the body on his chair. He could move her, he reasons, but he needs a place to sleep, too. She'd be more comfortable, but his back hurts, and his ribs are throbbing, and there's no way he's going to sleep in that chair. It's reasonably comfortable to sit it, but he's rather impressed by the circus trick in contortion that she has performed.

He's barely drifted off when a noise drags him back to wakefulness.

"Jyn?"

"I'm sorry." She's slipping her boots back on.

He glances at the chrono. It's nearly eleven. Maybe she got some sleep.

"I didn't mean to sleep so long." She's reaching for her jacket, and he's standing behind her before he knows what he's doing.

"Here." He steps outside barefooted, and guides her out with him by the bicep. "Watch." He keys in the code that opens his door, and turns to meet her eyes. "Got it?"

"Sure."

Her response isn't satisfying, and Cassian grabs her right hand. He extends her index finger, and punches the nine digit code in once more. He drops his hand once the door opens. He's vaguely aware that there are people streaming past them in the hallway.

"Do it again." He orders softly, and she opens the door.

"Again." The door opens and closes again.

He makes her open it eight times, hoping the repetition will form some muscle memory.

"Got it?" He drops his head down, close to hers, and tries to meet her gaze.

She nods, and mouths a quiet _"yes"_ with voice too soft to hear over the din of the people in the hallway. _  
_

"Any time." He meets her eyes finally, and manages to keep his hands at his sides. "You need quiet and privacy, you can come here any time."

She nods again, small movements like she's not sure she believes him. "Okay." Her voice is as small as her nod.

"I'm sorry I woke you." She hurries away, and Cassian watches her form disappear around the corner. She left her blanket on his chair, he realizes when he steps back inside.

* * *

He doesn't see Jyn again before he leaves, and the operation goes south nearly from the moment he steps foot on the planet. He finds himself missing Kaytoo more than usual on the way back. The droid's banter kept him entertained, and he could catch some rest when he needed to knowing that Kay would fly them safely home. He replays the last eight days as he sits in the cockpit alone. First, the contact had gone missing. It took two days for him to locate the Nikto female, another two days to infiltrate the gangster's compound and free her, and earned him a glancing blow from a blaster that stills burns his shoulder even with the bacta patch. The remaining three days are spent trying to verify the information, and he's nearly dead on his feet now trying to get the ship back to base. He could use some backup. He'd come across some Imperial droids, and considered attempting to grab one, but he was on a busy street, and the ship was far away. Kaytoo was heavy, and he has no desire to drag something solid metal three kilometers up a hill in this muggy heat. He'll keep an eye out. It might be too soon anyway. Even if he reprograms another droid, it won't be Kaytoo. It won't be the same.

Cassian wants a cool shower and a long nap after he's completed his mission report and briefed General Draven. He can grab a quick instant meal in his room. The coolness of nighttime on Yavin 4 is a welcome contrast to the steamy mess he's been in for the past week. He opens the door to his room, and his hand is on his blaster before he processes the sight. Taking a deep breath and forcing himself to relax, he steps inside his quarters and shuts the door. Jyn is once again curled into a ball in his chair. He turns the lights on as bright as he dares, and stands, searching her face. She looks exhausted, even in her sleep. Her forehead is furrowed, and he wonders what she's dreaming about. A glance around his room shows nothing else is out of place. No cups in the sink. No wrappers in the trash bin. Her boots are beside the chair, and her hair is spread over the arm of it. Cassian squats down next to her and reaches a hand to brush her hair from her eyes. Sighing deeply, he stays there, rocked back on his haunches just watching her even breathing. He starts to feel like a voyeur, and rises stiffly to go rinse off. He hopes the refresher doesn't wake her, but he needs to wash the sweat and grime off of himself before he crawls into bed. Almost as an afterthought, he reaches back into his bag and extracts a package. After shaking out the fabric, he gently covers Jyn's slumbering form with the soft blanket he found at the market when he was trying to blend in and not draw attention to himself. It's not pretty. Just a drab, dark grey, but it's soft and looks warm. He wasn't even sure why anyone in such a warm climate sold a blanket this warm, but he grabbed the plainest one they had and tossed the owner a few credits after he haggled the price down. She still doesn't look comfortable, but at least she's covered. And safe. And alive.

He takes one last glance before he steps into the refresher.

* * *

 _A/N: That's chapter 6. Be nice. Seven is almost finished, but I never post until I have the following chapter nearly completed._


	7. Chapter 7

Jyn doesn't come every night to sleep curled up in his chair. Cassian tries to assign a pattern to her arrivals, but she shows up sporadically, and he can only guess at her motives. He thinks, based on the dark circles under her eyes, that she stays awake for as many days as she can, and then allows herself the comfort of sleeping in his quiet quarters. Perhaps she tries to sleep, only to find rest elusive or chased away by shadows and dreams. She rarely comes while he's still awake, and she tends to leave after an hour or so if he's up when she arrives. Sometimes they drink tea. Sometimes what they drink is stronger than tea. They mostly talk about nothing, both expertly avoiding the subject of Scarif and the devastation they faced together in each other's arms. The base is moved to the frigid wasteland of Hoth, and Cassian paces ruts in the the ice for two days straight checking the rosters to make sure her name is on it. He is evacuated safely in the first wave, but Jyn is part of Infantry now. Her squad stays and fights, leading raids on Imperial strongholds and removing sensitive data from the computer systems that are too old or cumbersome to make the trip. He hears the losses called out in the war room as he walks past a few too many times every hour to fool anyone about coincidence. Then, finally. Finally he sees her name on the manifest of a transport ship. There is no status next to her name, yet.

Cassian hangs back in the shadows when the ship unloads, and his knees feel weak when she walks - _walks_ \- on her own power down the ramp. She's limping again, and favoring her left arm, holding it awkwardly against her side, blaster gripped firmly in her good arm, and she has a few visible, vivid bruises, but she's alive. He sags limply against the frozen wall and whispers a prayer of relief to a Force he barely believes in. This may be the second time in his adult life that he's prayed for anything. Maybe the Force isn't against him after all. He stays pressed into the ice as the ground troops pass by on their way to medical or muster, and considers following her.

He doesn't see Jyn again for six days.

Billeting on Hoth is even worse than on Yavin 4, and Jyn starts to miss the comforts of her cell on Wobani. She only had one roommate there, even if she did threaten to kill her on a regular basis. The medbay was slightly warmer, and her berthing now is so cold that she worries she'll lose a finger if she sleeps without warm gloves - if only she had some. She considered appropriating a pair of thick gloves from a fellow soldier, but Saw's voice still echoes between her ears. _"Never take from the man who has your back. That's just taking from yourself."_ Instead she fists her hands and paces until morning, out of sight of her slumbering comrades. Jyn wonders if they know how much she hates them for their ability to drift to sleep carelessly. She used to be like them. Before Scarif. Before Cassian. Back when she lived and died for Saw's every word and his nods of approval. Even after he left her, she could catch a few minutes in an out of the way alley or a corner of an abandoned warehouse. Now she just watches. Waiting. Perhaps she's waiting for the death that didn't come, she thinks, and smiles wryly at the conclusion. Leave it to her to go macabre when frostbite and hypothermia are her greatest foes.

Cassian leaves for a quick, and mostly successful meeting with an informant, and almost misses her in the messhall when he returns. She's off to one side, sitting alone, and he spies the back of her bowed head. The posture, he knows, tells most people to stay away. He ignores their wide eyes and sets his tray across from hers. The eyes and surprised "oh" that she utters tells him he's startled her.

"Sorry." He smiles roguishly. "Didn't mean to..."

"I'm fine." She cuts him off, frowning. She tells him that she's fine fairly often for someone who looks so sad. Her eyes are more tired than ever, and Cassian wonders if she's slept at all since he saw her limp off of that transport ship. She hasn't. Not really.

He watches her in silence while he eats. The food grows cold quickly in the chilly galley, but he notices that Jyn pushed hers around the plate more than she actually eats it. He examines what he can see of her face, eyes mostly covered with stray bangs. Her cheekbones seem sunken, and her skin has an unhealthy pallor. It could be the cold. He feels stifled and watched, and doesn't attempt conversation. When he sees her head bob in that tell-tale nod of sleep, he bumps their trays together in an obvious attempt to startle her awake. She meets his gaze, eyes unfocused, but friendly, and he gestures wordlessly for her to follow him. She clumsily grabs her tray, and dumps the uneaten food in the garbage bin before tossing it on the pile.

Cassian waits patiently for her, examining her gait for traces of that limp he saw days ago. He limps now, almost constantly in this cold, and he grits his teeth to try to cover up the hitch in his gait. She walks with ease and grace.

"It's the same code." He speaks mere centimeters from her ear as he punches the numbers into the lock. He sees her glance up at the door number and catalog it.

The room is smaller than his quarters on Yavin 4, but he has squeezed a full-sized sofa against one wall. He had to barter a return on a favor and a mostly full bottle of gin that rather tasted like fuel and piss to get it. And he lost his desk. The gray blanket is folded neatly on the back of the piece of furniture. He watches her eyes dart around the room, taking it in.

"Officers certainly live well in the Rebellion." She finally notes, still standing stiffly just inside the entrance. Her own quarters are dingier and colder than ever. Racks pushed closer together to pack in more bodies. At least the cold keeps the smell at bay; on Yavin the bay smelled like feet and sweat and mildew.

"Are you hungry?" He offers her a package of crunchy snacks, but she politely declines. He almost makes her dinner anyway, even though he knows she'll refuse.

"No. Thank you."

"I'm going to make some tea." He doesn't ask if she wants anything, he just hands her a mug of steaming liquid and gestures for her to sit on the sofa. He takes a seat at the other end, and grabs a datapad from the table. He has some work to finish, and he might be able to concentrate on it now that he's not worrying. Jyn shivers a few times, and he pulls the blanket off the back of the sofa and hands it to her without a word. He hears the clink of her mug on the icy floor as she sits it down to arrange the blanket around her.

The next time he glances in her direction, Jyn is fast asleep sitting up, head cushioned against the back of the sofa. Something warm blooms inside of his chest at the sight of her, sleeping next to him. It's so kriffing domestic and normal. Ordinary and extraordinary at the same time. He rises and gently loosens her grip on the empty mug. She needs the rest, and he deposits a pillow in the middle of the seat before changing out of his uniform and crawling into his own bed. She's gone in the morning before he wakes, but he is heartened that she may return.

* * *

They continue the pattern of Jyn arriving sporadically and sleeping in his room for several weeks. Sometimes he is off world, and she has the place to herself. It feels odd to her, to inhabit his space without him. Almost like she's intruding. An interloper. But he's welcomed her again and again, and never expels her from his quarters when he arrives and finds her already present. It never occurs to Cassian that others have noticed until Lieutenant Colonel Jiro corners him after a meeting five weeks after arriving on Hoth.

"Are you not understanding of the concept of fraternization, Captain Andor?" He has several centimeters on her in height, but the Lieutenant Colonel is a formidable woman. She has an unusual lilt to her Basic, and he wonders from where she hails. Her word order is slightly off. If he was better rested himself, he could probably figure it out easily.

"Ma'am?"

"I refer, of course, to your friend, Corporal Erso." Cassian meets General Draven's eyes over the Colonel's shoulder, and sees nothing helpful there. "I understand many nights she spends in your quarters."

Cassian is at a loss for words. "I...she...we...aren't..."

"An officer fraternizing with a corporal will not be tolerated, Captain." Jiro eyes him, and he doesn't like the look she's shooting him, and her diction changes formally. "You are risking your career here."

He finally finds his voice, and it comes out louder than he'd inteneded. "I am not in her chain of command, and she sleeps on my sofa from time to time. Nothing more." He breathes slowly and continues before she can cut him off. "I can have no affect on her advancement, and I have no undue influence on the assignment or performance of her duties."

"I understand what you did for the Rebellion on Scarif, and we are all grateful," Lieutenant Colonel Jiro stands in front of him, hand extended like a knife toward his chest. "But these relationships are prejudicial to good order and discipline. End it."

Draven has moved to stand behind the Colonel's left shoulder, and Cassian feels like a cornered animal. This could have been avoided if they'd taken his advice and offered her a commission, he thinks angrily as Draven makes a face that tells him that he agrees with Jiro.

* * *

Three. Cassian Andor has ignored three direct orders in his twenty years fighting for the Rebellion. All three involve Jyn Erso. When she slips inside his quarters the night after his warning from Jiro, his heart shudders, and he ignores it. He's inside, reading - for pleasure this time, and she stands, fists clenched and breathing heavily inside the door.

"I'm going to kill him." She starts pacing, stalking around his small room.

Cassian marks his place in the book, and sets it aside. Patiently waiting.

"I'm going to kill him." She makes three more full revolutions and stops in front of him, feet splayed apart, and hands on her hips.

"Who?"

"Bessel." She spits out the name, and Cassian feels his heart sink.

"Why?"

"I'm on restriction." She sneers. "Apparently I can't follow orders, and now I'm off the squad." She resumes pacing. "Do you know what they have me doing now?"

She can still hear his voice too close to her face, spittle hitting her forehead as he bellowed. _"You're dangerous, Erso. Shape up or I'll make you rue the day you decided to join the Rebellion."_ She doesn't retort that she already does. Usually. Except for one thing. Except for Cassian. _"You're done here."_ He sneered at her. _"Enjoy your extra duty."_

He waits silently.

"I'm digging tunnels and serving that slop they call food."

Cassian frowns at that, not that he hasn't volunteered for a few working parties. It's good exercise, and there is no gym here, yet. KP duty, however, isn't the worst punishment he can imagine. At least the kitchens are warm with the heat of the stoves.

"And I'm pulling extra watches for the next month." She stops pacing again, and faces him. "Can you tell me why?"

He's genuinely puzzled now.

"Bessel said to ask you." She's mad at him, he realizes. She thinks he had her pulled off of the dangerous jobs. "Why would you do this?" Her voice cracks, and Cassian thinks he may have broken along with it.

"I did not do this." He stands, hands extended to placate her, a gesture of surrender.

"Then why did Bessel tell me to ask you about it?" Jyn isn't backing down, and he recognizes the look in her eyes. He's seen it before. After Eadu.

Cassian goes silent for a moment, and a hideous thought occurs to him. Jiro. Draven. They're firing back at him in the worst possible way. Or possibly Bessel is just tired of her questioning him. It could be either, honestly.

"Jyn." He keeps his voice low and soft. "I didn't ask anyone to pull you off duty." He runs one hand through his hair now, unsure of how to tell her what he suspects is going on.

"A few days ago Jiro got in my face. She said I have to end our...this..." He's not sure what to call this thing between them. It's everything and something and nothing at the same time. "Relationship."

"What?" Jyn is genuinely confused now, and Cassian tries to ignore the endearing way her brows furrows when she's thinking this intently.

"Technically it's fraternizing." He shrugs one shoulder. "Officer to enlisted. They usually look the other way. It never occurred to me that it might come around and affect you." He'd been prepared to take that hit, and he's seething to realize that they're taking it out on Jyn.

"I'm not sleeping with you." She almost phrased it like a question, and Cassian isn't sure where she's going with this. "Why do they care where I sleep or who I'm friends with?"

Cassian doesn't have a good answer for that, but he's grateful that her anger seems to have deflated.

He watches as she sits heavily on the chair at his little table, deep in thought.

Cassian is her only friend. The only person she likes or trusts in this crap hole of a planet. They can't take that away, too.

"Jyn, I..." He starts, but trails off when he can't find the word to finish. "No one can tell you who to be friends with. Not even the Rebellion."

"Maybe I should leave." He thinks he hears her murmur.

"What?" Surprise and confusion. "Leave?"

"Yeah." Jyn stands and paces again. "Maybe I should go. I've never been great at following orders anyway. I can make it on my own."

Cassian thinks he has to swallow his stomach and his heart to return them to their assigned spaces in his body. "Give it a month?" He bargains. "Please?" Cassian Andor is not accustomed to asking for favors.

"Why?" She's pretty sure Bessel will never like her, no matter what orders she follows.

"Just. One month." He's scrambling for a good reason now. "It's still new. It may just need some getting used to."

"One month?" She presses.

"One." He has to add. "And promise you'll say goodbye before you go. Don't just disappear." He is aware of her penchant for vanishing. He's read all about it.

"A month." She repeats more to herself than to him. "Okay."

They lapse into silence, and Cassian falls back on old habits to ease the tension. He isn't altogether certain that alcohol is a good idea, but he has a stash of premium Coruscanti tea that he breaks out when he's in a particularly bad mood and has to fly soon. It's their tradition, anyway. She sits at his table, and he makes her a hot beverage. They sit amicably and sip, the only noise the occasional slurping sound.

"At the risk of offending you, did you cross Bessel recently?" Cassian recalls their breakfast conversation from several weeks ago.

She remains quiet a hair too long, and Cassian can tell what's coming before the words tumble out of her mouth.

"I might have insinuated that he's more suited to scraping the slime off a Hutt's balls than commanding a company of soldiers." She shrugs, and Cassian nearly inhales hot tea up his nose as he snorts.

"Seriously, Jyn?" He's biting the inside of his cheeks to keep from laughing now.

"Maybe. I may have called him a hotheaded harpy, too." She's smiling in earnest now, and Cassian can no longer contain his laughter. It has been so long since he's laughed, he'd almost forgotten how.

"So, maybe this isn't about us after all?" He manages between breaths.

"Maybe." She's still smiling at him.

Cassian tries to cover his relief with activity, and rises to make them both some food. It's nothing fancy, just dehydrated stew and some hopefully still-crisp crackers he picked up on his last mission. He's been saving them for her, but never found the right time to bring them out.

Jyn watches him move easily around the cramped kitchenette, and considers protesting when he hands her a bowl of soup. She is hungry, though. She was too angry to eat lunch or dinner tonight, and it does smell delicious. He slides a spoon across the table, and drops heavily into the other chair to start on his own bowl. She's finished her meal too quickly, and burned her tongue on the hot liquid.

"What _can_ they do to me? If they're mad that we're friends." Jyn asks quietly, eyes searching his face for any sign of dishonesty.

Cassian just sighs and rubs his hand over his face, ignoring the way his chest seizes at her admission of their friendship. "Honestly, that should be about it." He considers not continuing, but she'll know if he's less than honest. He can't lie to her. Not again. Not even a lie of omission. "They can punish me, not you. Ultimately any responsibility for an inappropriate relationship falls on me because I outrank you."

A horrified expression covers Jyn's face as the news sinks in, and he feels the loss of her wide smile in his bones. "Cassian, I can't..." She falters. "I don't want to get you in trouble." He watches as a look he can't identify steels in her eyes. "I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'll..."

"Jyn." Cassian reaches a hand across the table and closes it firmly around her wrist. "Stop." He waits until she meets his eyes before continuing. "Tell me, who are your friends here? Who do you spend time with, when you're not here?"

"What?" She looks puzzled for a moment, and he thinks she's embarrassed. "I...I've never had any friends." She mumbles the admission, and while not surprising, Cassian feels nothing but sadness for her.

She spent her entire life in hiding, even on Coruscant. There were no children for kilometers on Lah'mu, and she quickly learned that no one lived long enough in Saw Gerrera's Partisans to waste time forming attachments. Those survival skills have followed her into adulthood. Once, she thought she might have a friend in Baze and Chirrut. Maybe even Bodhi. But they're dead, and she's not sure how to proceed from here. Cassian is a constant enigma that she seems to be in orbit around. She's tried to pull herself away, but the force between them is too strong, and the comfort and companionship he offers are too tempting to ignore. It's dangerous, she knows, to get attached like this. He'll leave, and she'll be alone. Just like before. Like always.

Like Baze said, _"He has the face of a friend."_ Jyn is searching that face now as she remembers those words, and Cassian feels small under force of her scrutiny, like he's afraid he won't measure up and pass the test.

"I am your friend." Cassian states it plainly, repeating her assertion from earlier like he doesn't want her to argue with him about it. Jyn wonders if he can read her mind, and he gives her wrist a squeeze. "And the Rebellion will just have to get used to that." The wheels have started turning, though, and Cassian knows that there is no going back now.

* * *

 _A/N:Your reviews are so kind. I'm grateful to every one of you who takes the time to leave an encouraging word. I wrote and rewrote this chapter about six times trying to get it right. It's not quite there, but I don't think I can fix it.  
_

 _The next chapter might take a while. It's written, but it is more difficult than this one. I've been fixing it for days. Apologies._


	8. Chapter 8

Cassian Andor is not a man accustomed to wanton or extraneous displays of affection. He makes his living suppressing his emotions and covering up his own pain. This is not to say he doesn't feel. He is not heartless, but he does not display this part of him for others to witness. Cassian's world fell apart at the tender age of six, and he's learned to keep people at arm's length since. He grieved for a while as a child, but since then has mostly ignored the ache and loneliness left by his family's absence. He indulgently allows himself one day each year to sit alone and mourn; to grieve his losses and lick his wounds. Today is that day. He's not sure if it's the anniversary of his mother's and sister's deaths, when everything started falling apart, but he's chosen it, and it suits him. It was winter on Fest, he remembers, and a chill spread throughout the house. He'd stayed home from school with a fever and a cough. His mother, his lovely, gentle mother, had run to the market to pick up vegetables to make him a special dinner.

 _"Stay in bed, my love."_ She'd murmured, cheek against his forehead. _"I'll be right back, and then we'll have stew."_ She'd tucked the blankets up around his chin, kissed both cheeks, and slipped out of his bedroom. Town was not far, and he heard the explosions when the Empire opened up on the crowded market. His mother never came home, and even after all these years Cassian can't think about his mother's special root vegetable stew without his insides knotting and feeling like lead. His baby sister was with her in that market, and he never saw Nara again, either. He can't recall her face, and he hates himself a little for that.

Cassian's father moved the rest of them to Carida, and became more heavily involved in Separatist activities after his wife died. The twins, a brother and sister two years older than Cassian, were in school when the building was razed. Cassian should have been there, too, but he'd skipped school to look at some fish in the nearby pond and skip rocks on the smooth surface of the water. He hid for hours in a rotten log that was filled with insects and worms when he saw the flames and heard the explosions rocketing through the silence. His father died shortly after in a protest at the Academy, and Cassian was really and truly alone. He used to tell himself that he prefers to be alone; that the solitude suits him. That the pain of bearing these losses alone was the price he pays for living when others do not.

Tonight he allows himself to remember them. Tonight he allows himself to feel the pain of this loss, and to wallow in how alone he is. He has nothing except these scattered fragments of memories, and even those are fuzzy and disjointed at best. Six year old Cassian didn't know that he'd need to imprint every moment on his brain. He didn't know that he'd lose his world in a few heartbeats. Some years he wishes he'd been at that market with his mother and sister. Other years he aches to have been in the school with his brother and sister. This year he just aches. It was almost over. He almost joined them. Scarif nearly ended all of this, and yet, here he is. Another narrow escape that leaves him off balance and guilty and confused. The drink in his hand, not his first of the evening, is doing very little to numb the pain, but he does not cry. Not anymore. There are no more tears left. He just sits and remembers, and allows himself to break.

He wasn't expecting company tonight, though, so Jyn's sudden arrival in his quarters leaves him reeling and relieved. She rarely visits him two nights in a row.

"Cassian!" His name on her breath makes his chest clench uncomfortably. He's a mess, and she's not sure what to make of it.

He wordlessly waves her over with the bottle of whisky, inviting her to join him on the sofa. She moves to stand in front of him, unsure and questioning.

"Cassian...what...?"

He gestures to the sofa again, and hands her the bottle as she takes a seat beside him, just out of reach.

"They're gone." He hopes he doesn't slur, but he's not sure he cares. "They're all gone. Today I remember them."

Jyn knows without asking what he means - who he means, and she recalls his angry words. _"You're not the only one who lost everything."_ By far she is not. He's never outright spoken of his family before now, and she's been afraid to ask. She likes to tell herself that she's too polite to ask, but that is a lie. She wasn't sure she could share his pain, too. Not with her own little cave cracked and gaping like it is now.

He taps the bottle in her hands twice with the back of his knuckles as an invitation, and she take a sip without speaking, trying to not grimace as it burns and slides down her esophagus.

"I keep almost dying." He leans back heavily against the cushions, and murmurs quietly as though to no one in particular, grabbing the bottle from her grasp, and pouring a more than a few shots into his glass. "But it never works." He could be with them now, but for some reason he isn't. It never seems fair. On his weaker nights, he considers the little capsule in his jacket, but it seems like the cowardly way out. He's never shared any of this with anyone before tonight. Before Jyn.

"Cassian." Her voice is a strangled whisper now, and she takes the bottle from him, and sits it on the floor out of his reach.

"Do you know that I'd be dead if I wasn't a truant?" He's definitely slurring a bit now, but Jyn can't tell if it's the alcohol or the pain. She just shakes her head no as he faces her, eyes reddened with loss, pain, and unshed tears.

Jyn is wracking her brain, but can't figure out what to do. The closest anyone has come to comforting her in the past fourteen years was Chirrut on the ship after the disaster on Eadu. After her father was killed by Alliance bombs. Friendly fire. Nothing friendly about it. He'd taken her hand and squeezed it, infusing his strength and calm into her. It hadn't worked. She'd lost her temper and yelled at Cassian and said terrible things to this man. This kind man who'd been ordered to kill her father, yet hadn't. He'd come back for her again and again when reason would dictate that he'd have been better off leaving her. Now he shares his couch and his pain with her, and she can't for the life of her think of a way to comfort him. Saw wasn't known for comfort or his ability to handle emotions. Even on the long journey from her hidden hole on Lah'mu to his headquarters he'd scolded her for her tears. _"Any weakness can be exploited,"_ he'd rasped. _"Turn those tears into action. Do something with them, my child."_ The lessons began almost immediately. Her childhood ended in that ravine. She briefly considers removing all their clothes and making him forget everything for a few minutes, but even that seems like a paltry offering. And it best, it is bound to make things awkward between them later. She's unaccustomed to seeing the men she sleeps with after the act. Cassian deserves better, anyway, she thinks.

Rather than a quick, carnal romp, she opts for a hug - awkward at first, as she is unsure how to initiate the act, and it takes her a few beats to figure out what to do. She kneels on the soft cushions beside his legs facing him, and draws his torso against her. Gently at first, then wraps her arms around him in earnest when she feels his own arms snake around her waist. A bit of his whisky must have sloshed over the side of the glass, because she feels moisture seeping through her shirt. She'll have to wash it tonight, or risk smelling like stale alcohol at work tomorrow. It's a small price to pay.

No words will fix this. Nothing she can say will make this better, so she remains silent.

They stay like that for a while, wrapped in each others arms in silence, a meditation in human contact. Bodies pressed together, Jyn tries to pretend that she knows how to comfort another human being, but she's petrified that she's failing miserably. He's breathing heavily, and she feels his chest rise and fall against her. They've done this once before. On Scarif. She remembers clinging to him desperately. Terrified but triumphant. He's warmer than she remembered. Holds her more tenderly. Cassian speaks finally, voice husky with emotion.

"I have ruined so many families." He takes a shuddering breath and continues. "Always believing that the cause is worth it. For the Rebellion. For the Alliance. All those lives. The terrible things. She would not be happy with me."

"Who?" Jyn is genuinely confused now, and pulls back just enough to see his face.

"My mother." His eyes are glazed and unfocused and do not meet hers, but he answers her question. "She was an artist. A poet. She called me her little artist. And now I'm...this."

Jyn isn't sure how to respond. "What was she like?"

"Strong." A wistful smile crosses Cassian's face, and Jyn has never seen him look so beautiful. "Lovely. She taught literature at the school. She was always playing music."

Jyn tightens her grip on him, and he tells her about his family. How his father loved nature, and used to take them on hikes through the snow. How Olin and Savara used to torment him, and he hated them sometimes. He talks about a particular afternoon spent playing in the snow with his three siblings. Nara was only three, and he kept stopping and waiting for her to catch up. They'd skated on the ice in their boots, and pelted each other with snow. They played games and hid in the pristine forest, soft and blanketed by snow. He can still feel the stillness, the quiet if he closes his eyes and allows himself to remember. His mother beckoned them inside, and removed their sodden outer clothing. Then she sat them at the table near the heater and gave them mugs of something hot and sweet. He can't remember what it was, but Jyn thinks she understands why he is always handing her a hot beverage. She wonders if he's made the connection. Is he searching for it, this last pure memory of his mother?

He tells her about his father then. Tall and strong. Dark hair and eyes like his. Booming voice and easy smile. He loved the stars. He wanted to be an scientist, and he'd take Cassian out on long walks at night. The young boy boosted up on his shoulders, secure in his father's grasp. They'd gaze at the night sky, and Cassian would try to count the bright dots in the canopy above them. He felt safe then. Loved.

Jyn can almost see him, chubby cheeks and bright eyes. Bundled against the cold in too many layers, his mother always afraid he'd get chilled. An easy smile, safe and comfortable with his parents.

"You were almost one of them." Cassian's voice drags her from her reverie.

The change of topic surprises her, and she quickly pulls back a touch. "I'm sorry?" One of who?

"I was supposed to shoot him. General Draven gave me the order." He looks her in the eye. "I had a clean shot. But I couldn't..." He was supposed to destroy her family. What was left of it.

 _"My father is a traitor. My father is a bastard."_ Jyn closes her eyes and shakes her head. She doesn't want to hear this. "Please, I..."

"You have to know." He grips her shoulders and pushes her away from him somewhat, still holding on tightly. "I couldn't do it. I tried to stop it. Then I saw you on the platform, and I told them to call off the strike. I was too late. They..." His whole body shudders, and Jyn is certain she doesn't want to know the rest. "I tried to stop it. I couldn't pull the trigger. I couldn't take him from you like they took...I could not do that..."

He doesn't have to finish the thoughts for Jyn to know what he means.

"I'm sorry." He rasps, fingers digging into her joints, and she thinks she might have bruises tomorrow. The pain in her shoulders is nothing compared to the pain in her heart. In her soul. Nothing compared to his pain.

"I tried to stop..." He trails off, and doesn't tell her how he hasn't been as petrified in his adult life as he was that night while sprinting toward the platform, skidding and sliding on rocks, bombs falling all around. He doesn't mention how he'd never given a second thought to the Stormtroopers he'd shot as they trained their blasters on Jyn. He doesn't mention how sorry he is that she can't bury her father properly; build a pyre and mourn him in earnest. Because it's his fault.

"It's okay." Her words surprise her, because she can remember clearly a time when she thought she'd never forgive him. But this man, broken and torn apart, this is hardly the man she'd hated and hurled insults at while dripping water onto the floor of a stolen Imperial shuttle. His gaze is too honest, and it burns, so she shrugs his hands off her shoulders and winds her arms around him again, cushioning his head against her shoulder. "It's okay." It really isn't, but she knows it's not his fault. _And he came back for you._

None of her whispered assurances would console him. His pain is too much, and this is the day he lets himself feel all of it. Jyn thinks that he's stronger than she is. Stronger than she'll ever be. She locks her pain away and ignores it. She knows she'd crumble under the weight of her misery if she allowed herself to dwell on it, even for a single night.

Cassian is quiet for a while, but his arms haven't loosened their grip on her. Jyn's back aches, and she briefly considers crawling into his lap to straighten her spine, but it feels too intimate. Too personal. Too inviting of other things that she's not sure she wants to give - or that he'd want to take. So she bites her lip and ignores the growing spasm that will make it difficult to stand up straight tomorrow.

"Why did you leave the Partisans?" She feels his breath in her hair as he asks the quiet question, and her sharp intake of breath and subtle tension that spreads over her back and shoulders tell Cassian that this might have been a bad idea.

"I didn't." She finally responds, fingers tracing absent designs on the back of his neck. "They left me." She's suddenly grateful that she can't see his face.

Cassian's arms tighten impossibly around her as he tries to wordlessly tell her that she's safe here with him, and he waits quietly for her to continue. He tamps down the urge to press his lips into the side of her neck or his face into her messy hair.

"We were moving bases." Her voice sounds far away even though she's mere centimeters from his ear. "Our position had been compromised. We'd been running raids and attacks on Onderon, and we had to leave. There was an old bunker, a few clicks from the main encampment. It was our fallback point. The last resort. Saw told me to go there and wait until morning." She takes a shuddering breath, and Cassian closes his eyes against what he knows is coming. It explains so much, and he hates himself a little more than usual for his angry words spewed at her on the ship after Eadu. For the nasty things he thought about her while he tracked her. For using her as a pawn in a game to get to her father. To get to Saw.

"They were gone by daylight." She tries to keep the emotion out of her voice, but it's all too much. Cassian is too close, and his arms are wrapped around her like they could actually ground her here and keep her safe. Like he wants her here. Like she belongs. She's enveloped in his scent, the smell of the tea and stew, and the biting cold around her keeps her senses on edge.

"You were alone." He surmises, and feels the dread weight heavy in his abdomen.

"They left me behind." He feels her shrug; knows she's trying to play it off like it doesn't cut her to the marrow and make her bleed.

"What did you do?" His hands are stroking her back now, fingers searching the tense muscles and rubbing circles over them until they relax in spite of her efforts to remain tense and distant from him.

"Screamed." And cried, but she doesn't mention that. "Cursed him in every language I could think of." Fell to her knees in agony, and stayed there for hours as the realization of another abandonment sunk in fully. She'd actually stayed for three days in that blasted bunker. Hoping against reason that he'd come back. She'd destroyed it before she left. Broke every bit of furniture and equipment there was that wouldn't be useful to her. The ration bars lasted longer this time. Longer than they had the first time she'd been hidden away out of sight.

The long night after her mother was killed in front of her she'd been too scared to eat. Too afraid to cry or move or make a noise. Her mother was supposed to come with her. She was supposed to be there, comfort her. Care for her. But instead she'd chosen Galen over her own daughter, and died in the field on the crops they'd planted. The morning after, Jyn had been too scared to function, and too hungry and young to know to ration her food. She'd eaten all the bars in the first day, and felt faint by the time Saw's face appeared above her, beckoning her into the daylight. How many days had it been? She's still not certain. She is sure that she's afraid of hunger now. And caves. Darkness. Being confined. She doesn't even like ships, but understands their necessity and forces herself to remain calm.

"What did you have with you?" Ever the pragmatist, Cassian is trying to plan for her.

"A blaster. A knife. A few ration bars. Mostly empty canteen. I found some old coms that I stuffed in my jacket, but there wasn't much worth taking." That, her wits, and the clothes on her back. It's the most she's owned until now, although Jyn isn't sure that the clothes she was issued are actually hers to keep.

"I'm sorry." He grinds out the words, his anger at Gerrera forcing him to swallow and breathe. "How old were you?" He knows it, but he needs her to confirm it.

"Sixteen." It comes out as a strangled whisper, and Cassian feels lecherous for leveraging her sympathy like this to get the information from her. He has no use for it. No plan. Just adding knowledge to his private file of things he knows about Jyn Erso. It's uncommon for him to seek information for information sake. To soothe his own conscience he continues his exploration of her scapula, his callused fingertips finding all the knots of tension and rubbing circles over them until they dissolve away. Besides, he feels the need to level the field now that he's bared himself wide open before her.

She tries to pull away from him, but he doesn't release his hold on her entirely. Sitting on her knees like this, she's taller than he is, and he rests his forehead against her collarbone, inhaling deeply.

"You deserved better." He's not sure why he says it. Better than being raised in hiding? Narrowly escaping death at the hands of Orson Krennic? Being forced to be become a child soldier? Better than him?

"Hmm." Comes her response, and he feels the hum vibrate in her thorax. "Well. So do you."

It feels awkward again after a few minutes. Too personal and real, so Jyn pulls away from him, and sits beside him on the sofa, staring into the space in front of her.

"I'm leaving day after tomorrow." Cassian finally breaks the silence and changes the subject mercifully, his voice heavy with emotion and sympathy. She doesn't respond and doesn't want his sympathy, but tilts her head in his direction, and shoots him a look he can't categorize. "It might be a few weeks. Two or so." She just nods. "Stay here."

"I said I'd say goodbye." Her chin raises, and he bites back the smile. She did promise to say goodbye. Before she leaves the Rebellion. Before she leaves him. He's warmed that she remembers her promise, and seems like she intends to keep it. He notes that she doesn't say she's changed her mind or decided to stay. Still, that isn't want he means.

"I mean stay _in here_." He gestures around the room. "I know you don't sleep. Except here. Just stay. Keep an eye on things. Rest."

She snorts, and Cassian isn't sure what to do. "I'm sure I'll win friends by co-opting your quarters."

"I'm friendly with the guy next door." He gestures with his head to the left. "I can tell him to keep an eye out. Make sure no one gives you trouble." And it doesn't hurt that he likes the idea of knowing she's here. "Are you still on restriction?"

"Yup."

"Then you won't be leaving with them while I'm away." He's clarifying for his own needs now. For his own peace of mind.

"I'll be shoveling snow." She sighs. "My grand contribution to the Rebel Alliance."

He doesn't correct her, but he knows that she saved them all.

* * *

 _A/N: This was agonizing to write. It's been written, rewritten, rearranged, erased, and written again more times than I can count. That said, I tried. I can't get it quite right. Also, it's hard to come up with names in this universe. Everything feels forced and stilted. I have to quit rewriting this, though, because I'm never going to get it out the way I see it in my head.  
_

 _Thank you to Ruth, Shazza72, Luinwen-2013, texaspeach, Maria de Sanctos, Jbirds212, RideBoldlyRide, DirtWaterTomahawk, Mademoiselle le Chat, Tabitha, TortoisetheStoryteller, Icbateria (love the handle, btw), InnocentBrie, Devaberiel, KTarra, RaggedyWolf, Polo, OdeFromParis, SandBank, Sydney, Loli-pop0394, Percabethis4life, K8Y, and the unnamed guests who have left kind words for me. I hope this measures up for you._

 _Also, (I swear I'm going to remember to say all the things I only recall after I post a chapter this time), I'm certain that many of you are writing amazingly fabulous things and posting them here. I can't read other people's work while I'm writing (for many reasons. I realize how inferior my own skills are, I worry I'll subconsciously steal plot lines, I only have so much time in between work and hubby and trying to write, etc). I'll catch up on reading and reviewing once I get all of this out of my head. For now, it's burning, and I have to finish it._


	9. Chapter 9

Jyn digs tunnels until her hands blister and bleed and her shoulders ache. She tries to keep her promise to Cassian, and spends some nights in his empty quarters. His neighbor, a Captain Esai Ober from Intelligence, makes friendly small talk with her from time to time when he catches her entering or leaving Cassian's quarters or elsewhere around the base. Once he even made a point to sit across from her at the chow hall, although Jyn tried to convince herself that it was merely a coincidence. Just a function of the limited seating and the availability of a space across from her. He doesn't seem surprised to see her at Cassian's door, so she assumes Cassian did indeed tell the man she might be around. He's kind to her in a way that still makes the hair on the back of her neck stand up straight. She's tried to flesh out what his motives are, but he never seems interested in anything other than saying hello and sharing a terrible joke. Still, she's careful to not carry anything in her hands or pockets, lest anyone accuse her of stealing from an officer. Some nights the room feels too large and empty. His presence, or more accurately his absence, looms too strongly over the space, and she has to stay away. On those nights, she shivers in her own bunk until she eventually gives up and paces the halls bundled in every article of clothing she was issued in an failing effort to keep warm.

Cassian arrives back at base on Hoth one day ahead of his self-imposed timeline. It's late by the time he has completed the required mission debriefings and after action reports and makes it back to his quarters. Jyn is sitting on the sofa in his room, feet curled beneath her, and blanket wrapped around her slight form just enjoying the solitude. She greets him with a bright smile when the door opens to reveal him standing in the entrance, and she can feel the shift in the air. Things are different between them. Changed somehow. Charged.

"You're back." She states lamely, ashamed of her own inability to make small talk and her embarrassing propensity to state the obvious. She was never good at small talk, always preferring action to diplomacy or conversation.

"It went better than expected." He strides into the kitchenette, drops his bags on the small table, and rifles through it for a moment. "Here. Catch." He tosses something round to Jyn, who catches it easily one-handed.

Her eyes go wide when she recognizes the item as an actual, real piece of fruit. "What is this?" She turns it over in her hands, feeling the weight of it, examining the vibrant reds and pinks and oranges. Fresh fruit is a nearly unknown luxury in her life. It's almost too pretty to eat. Jyn thinks back and tries to recall the last time she had something this fresh and real. Her diet has mainly consisted of ration bars in all the shapes and colors of the rainbow and scavenged scraps from here or there. Her mother probably fed her things like this back on Coruscant, she figures. Mothers are probably concerned about things like that. Saw viewed food as a necessity. A force multiplier. A required evil that kept his troops from keeling over. He never concerned himself with things like taste or visual appeal. The chow hall here had fruits occasionally, but they're waxy and mealy, and likely picked too early. Bargain basement produce ripened with gas. They leave an odd chemical aftertaste in her mouth, but she eats them anyway.

"Some sort of fruit. Like a peach, I think." He didn't speak much of the local dialect, and he hadn't asked too many questions when he saw these beauties in the colorful market stalls. He'd grabbed a few handfuls, and gladly paid the shopkeeper a few credits with exactly this reaction in mind. He watches as Jyn looks at the object like it is a priceless artifact. Delicate fingers caressing the fuzzy skin of it; taking in the weight and shape of it. He wonders how long it has been since someone did something nice for her, just to be nice. No ulterior motive. No angle. No marks in a column keeping score. Their lives parallel in so many ways, but he recognizes sometimes when he sees her like this that he was so much luckier. More fortunate. Only a few small shifts in the universe could have sent him spiraling down the in the same direction. Lost. Without a compass. Alone. Even when he lost everything he hadn't been alone. His father had a friend, and he came looking for Cassian after his father was killed. Knew where to find him. What to say to get the scared, small child to come. Salix and his wife, Win, took him in. Absorbed him into their family. Cared about him. Fed him. Clothed him. Educated him in topics other than hand to hand combat and marksmanship. They tried to shield him from their activities with the Separatists, but he was young and angry and useful, and he'd started running weapons in his backpack a few weeks later. No one suspected a scrawny child, small for his age, to be smuggling blasters and grenades with his school books. Still, he'd had people to depend on. People who looked out for him. No one forced him to become what he is. And they never abandoned him. They'd been good to him. Who had been good to her? Had anyone?

He smiles to himself as he watches her bite into the flesh of it, juice exploding and dripping down her chin. He swears her eyes roll back a little as she chews, and his throat tightens. He stops any further thoughts before they can begin. _Not the time._

"Omph messy." She mutters around her bite, but her eyes are alight with delight. Cassian grabs a towel off the counter, and dabs it to her chin before handing the cloth to her.

"Fresh." He smiles, and eats his own fruit slowly. They are a delicacy to be savored.

"Delicious." She replies, mouth full and smiling. "Thank you." She's trying to keep the juice from running down her arm, and steps aside as she moves past him to stand next to the sink.

Cassian grins back at her, satisfied in ways he can't put into words and that have nothing to do with the food. She watches him unpack, and restock his well-beaten bag with clean items. He stuffs his canvas onto the shelf in his locker before steps back into the kitchen area. His keen eyes don't miss the lack of her personal items around his room, but wisely keeps his concerns to himself. She was in here when he returned, he reasons. It can't be luck or coincidence. He wasn't due back for another day or two at best, and he hadn't given her a definite timeline. She looks relaxed here. Comfortable.

Jyn finishes her treat and washes her hands before moving back to sit on the sofa out of his way. It's easy to feel crowded in this small space. She watches as he unpacks a bag that looks suspiciously new. This isn't the bag that she rifled through before they left for Jedha; that one is packed away and ready for his next mission. He moves easily around the small kitchen space, and grabs various things from the shelves and cabinets with the practiced ease of a man comfortable in and familiar with his surroundings. He pours something she can't identify into a metal pot and adds water. The pot is placed carefully on what she has learned is a heating element, and he moves the lever to the desired location.

"So." He sits beside her and stretches his long legs out, sighing deeply. "What are you up to these days?"

"Still digging." She shrugs, annoyed at the work, but grateful for anything to occupy her time. It's honest work, and she's unlikely to be arrested or sent prison for it unless the Empire raids the base. "Ladling slop." Her tone has no bite, though, and he glances at her to see if he misread the notion. What he sees is that she's hiding her hands from him. She needn't bother. He saw the blisters and scabs already. His own hands have been in similar conditions more times than he can count.

"I have to leave again in a few days." Cassian slides down on the cushion, and brackets the back of his head with his crossed arms.

Jyn doesn't reply aloud, and just nods.

"You can still stay here."

"When do you leave?" She didn't expect to be so disappointed to hear he'll be leaving. She'd actually missed him while he was away. _That's a problem_ , she reminds herself. _You're getting too attached_. Attachment just makes it harder. He'll leave. Just the the rest. _Like everyone._

"Two days." He turns his head toward her and makes an apologetic facial expression. "No rest."

"They keep you busy." She agrees, frowning, and considering how best to keep her distance. How can she extricate herself now? Put a stop to this? How do you halt something with this much momentum?

A beeping sound interrupts any response Cassian may have attempted, and he rises and removes the pot from the portable heater. Jyn watches him curiously as he removes what appears to be a vegetable with long, green stems, a box of eggs, and some sort of mushroom or fungus from his mystery bag. He grabs three jars from a shelf and mixes things together, cracking the eggs and beating them into the mixture. She's never cooked like this before. They sometimes have real vegetables in the mess hall, but this seems more complicated than she's used to. A staff sergeant who works full time in the kitchen has taken to teaching Jyn when she noticed her curious glances. Chopping, peeling, learning ingredients, and following recipes. For all her grumbling, Jyn finds that she doesn't mind this punishment as much as she anticipated. The ovens and stoves keep the space warm, and she can feel her fingertips and toes while she's there. Plus, she's welcome to nibble after everyone has eaten if she's still hungry. She realizes that her own cooking abilities are sorely lacking while she watches Cassian move in an elegant routine here.

The sound of mushrooms sizzling breaks her train of thought, and she watches as he pours the egg mixture into the pan and keeps it moving with a spoon. In minutes he's portioning what Jyn has ascertained to be a grain of some sort into bowls and spooning the egg and vegetable mixture on top of it.

"Hungry?" He pushes a bowl across the table to the spot where she usually sits when they eat together. He's never cooked for her before. Not real food. He's rehydrated soup and bread, occasionally some vegetable patties. They have tea and caf, and occasionally alcohol, but never anything like this. Fresh. He's stopped asking if she would like for him to make her something, even if it's rehydrated soup or instabread. She always says no. It's automatic. She doesn't even think about it, and he knows this about her. She never admits that she _needs_ anything or anyone. He thinks he understands, and he's noticed similar tendencies in himself for years. He's taken to just doubling everything he makes when she's around, and handing it to her without asking. She's stubborn. Proud. But she won't turn down hospitality from him.

Jyn is not actually hungry; she ate a few bites in the mess hall after dinner service ended, but she is not about to pass on this opportunity. She takes the proffered spoon and digs in heartily after watching Cassian to understand how to eat the dish. Her first bite burns her mouth, but explodes with savory flavor. She hasn't had a meal this delicious since...Lah'mu. Her mother used to cook for them when they were a family. Before she was alone. She can't remember what they ate, but she knows it was simple fare. Basic. Lah'mu wasn't civilization in the strictest sense, but they got by. They survived. They were together. For four years she had a home. Some days she wishes that she could remember more of it, but she's mostly grateful that those memories have left her. It's probably better to not remember what you're missing. Keeps you from being bitter about not having it now. Just keep looking down. Moving forward. But now...

It feels awkward to rave and compliment his cooking while she's eating, but she can't help herself from commenting "This is good."

He smiles widely at her for a moment before turning his attention back to his own bowl. "I had some time to look around." He shrugs, as if that is sufficient explanation for the meal he has presented to her. He is a decent cook, perhaps not gourmet quality, but he can put together a tasty spread when he has time and access to ingredients. He ate this dish in a diner once in some out of the way planet in the Outer Rim with a thermostat reading that reminded him of Fest. He was freezing in the blizzard-like conditions, and the light in the diner window beckoned him inside. He recalls feeling like the food warmed him from the inside out, comforted him in ways he couldn't recall. The snow was an unusual choice siren song; not the most hospitable memory of his life on Fest. He memorized the ingredients and recreates it when he can. They finish their meals in comfortable silence, and he does not protest when she insists on helping him wash up.

They make easier small talk now, and Cassian grabs the rest of the fruits from the table as they move to the sofa after stacking the dishes back on the shelves. It takes some encouraging, but she finally dig in and enjoys her share, not that he'd admit to her that he purchased these with her in mind. He leans his head back and watches while she animatedly tells him about her last interaction with Lieutenant Bessel. It had not gone well, and Cassian can see the hurt behind her stubborn smile. In a simpler universe he'd reach across the cushions and tug her toward him. Envelope her in his arms. Take her away from all of this. Take them both away. But this is reality, and no amount of day dreaming can change that fact.

"Are you allowed to tell me where you're going?" She finally asks after they lapse into silence.

"No. Sorry." He shakes his head sadly. So much of his life is a secret. Doesn't officially exist. Deniable.

"Be safe, okay?"

"I will." Her words wash over him warmly, and he doesn't see her again before he returns.

* * *

He comes and goes three more times in the next two and a half weeks, each time returning more exhausted than he thought possible. He never sleeps well away from base, and now he's added worry about Jyn to his reasons to not sleep. Is she safe? Is she sleeping? Is Bessel giving her a hard time? Has the base been overrun? Things were simpler when his life was just him and Kaytoo. Lonelier, but simpler.

He makes a point to pick up something small to share with Jyn on every planet, and there remains a conscious effort to not examine his reasons for doing so. It is never anything expensive or extravagant, just tokens. Reminders. If he is honest with himself, he'll admit that he does this because he misses her. The act of going through the markets and stalls, blending in, selling his cover, and spending the time choosing something for her calms him. Markets and bazzars are ideal places to meet contacts. Busy. Bustling. Most people don't pay attention to two or three bodies speaking in hushed tones over a basket of second hand socks. On the first trip he brings back another bag of fruits, small, berries that turn their lips and tongues royal blue. She laughs so hard her ribs ache when he sticks his tongue out at her. Cassian likes to recall that memory and smile to himself when he's alone on the ship. She looked so unburdened, clutching her sides and bursting with laughter.

On the second trip he grabs a bag of brightly colored candies and a small box of pastries. Jyn can't remember the last time she had a real pastry, but she assumes it was on Coruscant as a child. They are a tad stale by the time he gets them to her, but she can't remember having anything so decadent. His last mission was a disaster, and he was pressed for time. He only had a moment to grab something, and ended up with a deep purple scarf, warm and soft. Jyn acted like he'd given her the moon, and he still swears he saw tears in her eyes when she touched the material to her cheek.

"It's too much." She protested, having never owned anything so nice. "I can't..."

He didn't miss how the color made her green eyes sparkle and shine. "Keep it. Please." He wound it around her neck and tried to ignore the way his heart jumps when his fingers brush against her soft skin. "It suits you."

In truth he'd had no idea what to get her. The informant was late, and he had to get off-world quickly. The market was not exactly on his way back to the ship, but it only detoured him three or four blocks to find it. The elderly woman minding the stall smiled at him when she saw him perplexedly studying the selection. Most of the colors were bright. Vibrant. Loud. He couldn't picture Jyn wearing any of them.

 _"For your lady?" She'd asked him, eyes twinkling._

 _"She's..." He couldn't find the right words._

 _"What color does she like?" She handed him a red scarf, and he let the fabric slip between his thumb and index finger._

 _"Nothing bright." He he had no idea. "She wears dark colors. Blue. Grey." Practical colors. Sturdy. Designed to blend in. Disappear.  
_

 _The shopkeeper frowned at him for a moment before asking "What color are her eyes?"_

 _"Green." He supplied without a moment of hesitation._

 _"Ah." She rifled through some of the fabrics, and handed him the purple scarf. A dark purple, deep and rich. "This one, then."_

 _He handed her the credits without haggling._

She'd actually blushed when he told her it looked nice on her, but she hadn't taken it off all evening.

* * *

The next time he returns, it's a different kind of homecoming. He'd been almost done. Almost free. Then a group of Stormtroopers appeared as if from no where, and he'd been injured. Nothing life-threatening, he reminds himself, but it's his fault. He'd been distracted. Sloppy. He used to be better than this. He didn't used to limp and his breath didn't used to catch when he moved his back through certain positions. He hadn't been quick enough to avoid the fire team, moving as a single entity through the streets of the outpost, searching civilians at random. He'd tried to duck. To run. To evade and escape. But his eye caught a glimpse of a brown-haired figure in dark, practical clothing. Bangs. Pale skin. Slight figure. He'd done a double take, and it nearly cost him everything. The blaster caught him in the leg. That kriffing leg that still ached from the fracture on Scarif. He remembers thinking that Jyn is going to kill him if he doesn't come back alive as he mustered the willpower to continue running. He wasn't detained. They couldn't catch him. He barely made it to the ship ahead of them, ducking blaster fire the whole way. He wondered why they're so okay with firing in crowded markets. Never concerned with the collateral damage, who may be hit by a stray bolt. He also thanks whoever is in charge of target practice for their inability to aim properly.

He's considering his near miss when his neighbor strolls by the medbay and stops to chat after checking on a young private on a gurney at the opposite end of the room.

"Andor." Eyebrows quirk upwards, and Cassian can't tell what the man is thinking. "You gonna make it?"

"It's fine." He shrugs, motioning to the limb in bandages. "I think they said they can save the leg." He jokes, but the thought had occurred to him. It's his own fault he's laying here, though. He's allowed himself to be distracted. To have a weakness. She is his blind spot.

"She know you're here?" Esai Ober doesn't have to specify which "she," nor does he miss the way Cassian's face reddens.

"No."

"Okay." Cassian thinks that Esai is being merciful, and he's grateful for that. She doesn't need to worry. He'll be fine. Still, he's not surprised when a breathless Jyn arrives at his side less than an fifteen minutes later trailed by his large comrade. The men make eye contact briefly as Jyn sidles up to him with uncharacteristic hesitancy. He's used to seeing her so confident. Sure. This is new, this indecision. It's like she can't decide if she should allow herself to be close to him or just run. Leave. He can see her mulling her options, the vacillation in her eyes. He glances up again at Esai, and the man just shrugs and leaves.

Jyn hasn't been this conflicted in years. She'd been in the galley prepping for lunch when Cassian's friend came knocking on the door to the kitchen. He'd known exactly where to find her. She hadn't noticed him speaking to Staff Sergeant Tro, but they'd approached her together. Cautiously.

"Erso." Tro never used her rank, and Jyn took that as a kindness. "There's something you need to know."

Jyn felt her throat constrict. _Cassian_. "What happened?" She tries to sound bored and disinterested, but she hears herself failing. Her voice comes out too high-pitched. Urgent. Fearful. Saw would be dismayed to see what she's become now.

"He's going to be fine." Captain Ober pats her left elbow. Her arm is poised, spoon in hand, action paused mid-stir on the stove. Jyn stares at her own joint as if it is foreign to her now; made unrecognizable by the man's touch. "But he's in the medbay."

Jyn remembers to breathe, and catches Tro's gaze, the woman gives her a silent nod. The words unspoken. _Go_.

She's rushing from the kitchen now, sweat dripping off her forehead from the heat of the stove. Esai strides quickly to keep up with her. Overtake her.

"This way." He's guiding her now, hand back on her elbow, and Jyn wonders in the back of her mind - the part that's still working - if this is something all spies learn. Cassian directed her around Jedha in much the same way. She'd ordinarily wrench her arm free, and act annoyed at the idea of someone touching her. Today she's grateful for it - the contact keeping her grounded. She knows the way to the small hospital they've set up, but she's not sure she could find it today. They tear around the last corner, and Jyn forgets to breathe as Captain Ober steers her down the aisle toward the gurney. The one with Cassian on it looking pale and listless. His eyes perk up when he sees her, and he sits up by a few degrees. His gaze bores into her, silently answering the questions she's not asking. He looks away for a moment, and she makes up her mind in that instant before he meets her eyes again.

"You're hurt." She's trying to measure her rhythms now. Keep the cadence even. Nonchalant. Act like her only friend gets shot every day. Like this is a common occurrence. Act like she's used to caring if someone else lives or dies.

"I'll be fine." He assures her as she shifts from one foot to the other and back. Unsure. Uncertain. He catalogues her tells. She's worried about him, he notes, and he thinks he likes that a little too much.

She's staring at the bandages. Splints. Dressings. Left. It's the leg he broke when he fell. At Scarif. The tower. The sound of his body hitting durasteel beams on the way before he crashed into the unforgiving grating below and didn't move. She watches it on repeat in her dreams on the nights she actually sleeps.

"Bone?" She rasps out the syllable, unable to formulate a more articulate question.

"Muscle." He shrugs and holds out a hand to her, waiting patiently for her to decide if she'll accept his invitation. She does, after staring at his outstretched limb, and slowly places her hand in his palm. Their fingers lace together, and she takes a deep breath, as if the warmth and solidity of his bones and skin under hers are reassuring that he's alive. That he didn't leave her. "It will heal fine." He's lying a little now; exaggerating the truth. The 2-1B unit said he might continue to have increased pain in this leg. Stiffness of the muscle. Scar tissue. But he'll be able to walk, and that's enough for now.

"Empire?" Jyn flinches at her question, but hopes he'll know what she means.

"'Troopers." He gestures with his unencumbered hand. "Good thing they have bad aim." His smile is wry. Sardonic. It makes her miss Kaytoo. It makes her furious.

"Don't joke." She's squeezing his hand and her knuckles are white. He's absolutely certain that she has no idea she's doing it.

"Jyn." He waits for her attention. "I'm right here."

She curses him silently for reading her so well. "Yeah."

* * *

 _A/N: I swear at some point this year I will have a weekend where I am actually home. Thank you to everyone who continues to read (and especially to you lovely souls who take the time to leave a review). I'd hug you all, but the best I can do is leave my heartfelt thanks. Chapter 10 is mostly done, but I won't post it until I've mostly finished 11. It might be a while. I'm working a lot of hours this week._


	10. Chapter 10

Cassian stays in medical for a full day and a half. Two blessedly short bacta treatments, a minor surgery, a pocket full of pain killers, and then he's limping his way back to his quarters feeling apprehensive and quite a strong sense of déjà vu. Wasn't he _just_ released from the medbay? Didn't he just take this same, slow, antalgic trek back to his quarters only a few weeks ago? Jyn visited him once early this morning, shyly offering him a mug. His mug, he noticed. He'd picked it up on Ord Mantell three years ago in an uncharacteristic fit of impulsivity.

 _"It's tea." She shrugged as she shoved vessel into his hands, embarrassment spreading up from her collar. He smelled it, inhaled the familiar aroma and let it settle his nerves. "I'm not sure if I made it right." She'd mumbled the last part, and he'd almost laughed. Almost. He stopped himself when he saw how anxious she was about it, bouncing on the balls of her feet, refusing to meet his gaze. This matters to her, and she's not sure why. She's not used to caring about anything. He told her the tea was perfect, and he wasn't lying this time, not entirely. The beverage was too strong for his preference, and the water had cooled considerably since she'd started steeping. The frigid temperature no doubt did not aid during the walk from his quarters to the infirmary. But that was far from the point. Her offering - her gift - was perfect.  
_

He is alone in his quarters now, of course. He'd been irrationally disappointed to find the room empty when he arrived, but chastised himself harshly. She's working. He puts his mug back on the shelf. She'd fled before he finished the beverage. Predictable, from what he's read about her, but it smarts in places he's not willing to list. He consoles himself with the memory of her fingertips brushing against his as she handed him the drink, and the pinkish red tinge coloring her cheeks and ears. She'd gone to his room and sought out his things. Found his tea, the tea he makes for her when they are relaxing together, and brought him some. She'd reached out. Her gesture does not go unnoticed. Cassian rolls onto his rack and considers the next mission.

* * *

Three nights later Jyn enters his quarters late at night. She'd pulled evening kitchen duty after a full eight standard hours of digging and chipping ice; on the last few days of her punishment for mouthing off to her company commander.

"Hey." He calls softly to her in the darkness, and turns on the lights to dim so she doesn't stumble.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." She is already removing her boots and climbing onto the sofa shivering. Cassian notes with satisfaction that she is wearing the purple scarf.

"I was up." He swings his legs carefully over the side of his small rack, and bites back a shiver against the chill that spreads to his feet through his thick socks. "Did you eat?" This routine is so familiar now. So...normal. Cassian hasn't had normal in what feels like a lifetime, and he doesn't want it to end.

"I grabbed some leftovers while we were cleaning up." Jyn is certain that she's never been this well fed in her life. Memories of gnawing hunger push further into the recesses of her mind with every day. Between the food in the kitchens and Cassian tossing snacks and fruits and treats her way every chance he gets, she has to admit that life is good in the calorie department.

Cassian doesn't respond, but watches her get situated on his sofa, smiling in the dim light as she rolls onto her left side, back shoved up against the cushions. Bent knees, right hand fisted around her crystal pendant. The shape of her is familiar. Comforting. He's memorized her outlines. Her silhouettes. Angles and lines. If he had any artistic talents at all, Cassian has no doubt that he could draw her from memory.

"I'm leaving in the morning." He rests his elbows on his knees trying to burn the image of her wrapped up to the chin in the gray blanket. She always folds it in half to double the thickness and warmth on Hoth. It's so cold here, and he idly wonders why he hasn't added more blankets to her pile. She must still be cold. She's wearing her jacket, still. And the scarf. Sometimes she wears gloves, but occasionally he wakes in the early morning hours to find she's added his coat to wrap around her small body. He imagines that it smells like her when he wears it now. Her scent lingers on the fur-trimmed hood, he thinks. It makes him feel closer to her. Tonight her hair pokes out from the blanket at all angles, and he finds it endearing.

"How long?" Her teeth are chattering, and she clenches her jaw to keep them quiet. _How is he cleared for this,_ she wonders? _Why won't the doctors keep him here?_

"It could be a while." He admits, and swallows hard. "I could use some backup." He schools his features to remain neutral. It's an understatement. She'll be more than backup.

"Are you offering me a job other than shoveling snow and chipping ice?" Jyn knows General Draven doesn't trust her, a criminal he plucked out of an Imperial labor camp with a rap sheet as long as her arm. How can he be asking her to accompany him on this mission?

"I guess I am." He raises his head and smiles at her, and Jyn's heart squeezes uncomfortably for a moment.

"How?" She pushes herself up to sit cross-legged, facing him. "I don't have that kind of clearance. And shouldn't you be healing?"

"Don't worry about it." He looks straight ahead again, and reminds himself to stay calm. "It's not a high-priority thing. Just long; lots of travel. I'll arrange it all. Just pack your things. Be ready for cold weather."

"Colder than this?" She looks around the room as her teeth knock together. Icicles have formed on the ceiling in his quarters, and everyone wears warm jackets indoors. She wonders if it is possible for teeth to vibrate out of one's jaw.

"Maybe not." He shrugs and grins at her.

"Do I have to ask anyone?" The last she heard, Bessel was still threatening to kick her out of the Alliance altogether for her insubordination. She's definitely out of his company at the very best; homeless and unemployed again at the worst. Fending for herself. Struggling. Fighting. Alone.

"Let me handle it." He rises with a hitch and a pained sigh and pats her knee with his right hand, fingers lingering longer than absolutely necessary before heading toward the sink.

"Can you tell me where we're going?"

"No details until it's necessary." He looks at her from the corner of his eye as he grabs a cup and fills it with water. "Sorry. Need to know."

"It gets me out of digging duty. Count me in." She's pleased to have a prospect of actual utility. Logically she understands that digging more tunnels and improving the camp is necessary. Important. But the irrational side of her brain spends most of her shifts repeating curse words in every language she's ever heard and inventing new, creative ones in Basic when her memory has been exhausted.

She settles back into the blankets, and Cassian crawls back into his bed and shuts off the lights. He can just make out her form in the glow from the door panel. He knows she has nightmares, even when she's here. Some day perhaps he'll be brave enough to get up and do something about it. But probably not tonight. Instead, he just wills her to have a peaceful rest. Even a dreamless sleep would be a blessing. If her demons are anything like his own, then they haunt her at every turn.

"What time do you leave?" She asks quietly in the darkness after she hears him stop rustling

"Ten hundred." He is trying to stop from smiling.

"Okay." A few minutes pass before she speaks again, but Cassian is wide awake. "Which hangar?"

"I'll meet you here."

"At ten?"

"Nine." He pauses. "We'll be traveling...unconventionally." He warns her.

"By dewback?" She deadpans.

"No." He smiles at her easy banter and the grin he imagines is gracing her face. "Just...economy."

"Okay." It can't be worse than some of the ways she's traveled around the galaxy. Stuffed into cargo holds and smuggled in bins to avoid detection at the port. "But are you healed enough to be doing this?" His limp is pronounced these days, more so than before his most recent misadventure, and she imagines that she can see the pain set behind his dark eyes in the dim light of the room when she levers up on one elbow to meet his gaze. She's not going to let this go. She noticed how he sailed right past the question the first time around.

"There will be a few weeks of mostly sitting around to let things heal." He shrugs and tucks his blankets around his injured leg. This trip, this excursion, is unlike any he's had to do before. Uncharted territory. At least he'll have someone watching his back, someone to talk to. Bounce ideas off. Keep him company. He misses Kaytoo more than he thinks any sane being should miss a snarky droid. Cassian stares at the ceiling all night.

* * *

The following morning Jyn is shocked to find that Cassian is not the pilot, as she'd anticipated. Rather than his typical U-wing, he leads her to an ancient troop transport that she thinks may have been around since the Trade Federation. They take their seat in the cargo bay, and Jyn shoots Cassian a questioning look as she buckles herself in and settles in for the ride. He doesn't respond, lips drawn and tense. His thigh is throbbing, and he is starting to see the wisdom in Jyn's concern. Maybe he isn't up to this. He catalogs the medical supplies he has in his bags, and mentally imagines the pre-flight checks he would perform if he was piloting this vessel. He feels Jyn's concerned eyes on him, and purposefully looks straight ahead.

On a moon Jyn has never heard of, they transfer to a _Simiyiar_ -class light freighter that looks like it has been retrofitted to carry passengers instead of cargo. The bay is crowded already when Cassian leads Jyn onto the freighter. She didn't comment on the number of bags he has with him; just grabbed two of them and hauls them off the transport. He tries to find a spot near the edges, in a corner. The intelligence officer in him like to have a good view of the exits. He prefers to have an unobstructed view of his surroundings with no chance of someone sneaking up behind him. His life has made him paranoid, but that paranoia has kept him alive more than a few times.

Jyn pushes her way to the farthest corner, and wedges her body between two large Klatoonian males before she turns to Cassian.

"Is here good?"

He merely nods, wondering how many times she's traveled like this. They're not quite safe, he knows, but in no immediate danger. Off the grid. Alone. At least he has backup this time. He honestly expected her to comment on their accommodations, but instead she just arranges her bag like a pillow and scoots down to rest with her knees bent. It's a power play, he realizes. Take up as much space as she can now to stake her claim on the floor space. He follows suit, ignoring the pain in his back. He shouldn't be as surprised as he is that she found the best vantage point without his guidance. If Saw hadn't taught her well, she wouldn't have survived this long. Perhaps he doesn't dislike the dead man as much as he once thought.

After he's settled and had a chance to look around, Cassian realizes that Jyn found them the best location in more ways than he'd imagined. Rather than the unpleasant metal grating covering most of the center of the space, Jyn settled them on the solid deckplating. It's steel and unforgiving, but it doesn't dig into his still tender, battered body.

* * *

They pass the time idly, making a few stops to pick up more passengers. Cassian discovers predictably that he is more comfortable with free time and boredom than is Jyn. It doesn't surprise him in the slightest. She's been on the run alone for five years, and fought with the Partisans for eight before that. Her life before Saw Gerrera is a little fuzzier, but the Erso's abrupt departure from Coruscant and the Empire's ceaseless search to find Galen can't mean anything that good. Jyn paces and stands and bounces. Sometimes she tries to stay still and quiet, but he can see her bursting at the seams. Itching to move. Cassian wonders if she feels confined and clausterphobic in this small space in the cargo hold as he watches her flop down beside him with a heavy sigh, left leg jiggling and heel tapping on the floor as she extends her right leg. Her calf brushes against his outstretched leg, and he notices that she doesn't shy away from the contact.

Jyn's heel tapping and constant, frenetic movement is garnering some angry glances from other passengers, and Cassian rummages in the bag beside him and drops the item he retrieves onto her stomach.

"A book?" She picks up the offending item and looks it over. "For real?" It is an actual paper book. A relic, she supposes. It's well worn from multiple readings, and the edges are frayed.

"Yes. Read." He taps the cover with his index finger. "Read and relax." _And stop moving_.

Jyn has never read for pleasure. She knows how, of course. Her mother home schooled her, and she was an willing pupil with a keen mind. Her life after that, however, has not been conducive to doing anything for pleasure, and her formal schooling died in the crops on Lah'mu. She's never had the time for anything this frivolous. She peruses the title thoughtfully, lips pursed. _Selected Poems of Kalbim Lodor._

"I never pegged you as a fan of poetry." Her mouth spits out the words before she remembers their encounter weeks ago. His mother taught literature. "Did...did your mother like this poet?" She's not sure she should mention his family again. Neither one has spoken of that night or the comfort they sought in each others embrace.

She cranes her neck up to see his tight smile and single nod. "Yes." His eyes are sad, and she wishes she could take back her careless sentence. He's sharing something of himself, she realizes, and she bends her right knee so she can balance the book across her bent thighs as she opens to the first poem.

Cassian dozes off and on, and wakes to find Jyn asleep beside him, his book left open on her chest. She made if halfway through before she succumbed to slumber, and he notes this with satisfaction as he retrieves the item from her hands and packs it back in his satchel. He'd searched for years to find this particular book. He has a few solid bits of memories of his mother reciting poems while she served them dinner or folded laundry or took them for walks in the snowy fields. He hadn't memorized them, but he could recall pieces. Years of searching with those fragments of stanzas finally led him to this title. Kalbim Lodor. From Fest. A tangible tie to his childhood. His home. His mother.

The gaze of a rather unsavory looking new passenger is burning, and Cassian eyes him, and takes in the way he stares at Jyn, mouth againsape. Hungry. Lewd. Cassian feels his skin prick and crawl as he takes in the strangers appearance. _Danger_.

"Problem?" He eyes the man, daring him to say what's on his mind. Cassian has met dozens like him, and he's dissatisfied with their proximity.

"She yours?" The large man nods toward Jyn's sleeping form next to Cassian on the deckplating.

"She is...a friend of mine." With measured movements, he grabs a package of instant soup from his duffel and adds water from the canteen, watching with satisfaction as tendrils of steam rise quickly.

"So she's available?"

Cassian grinds his molars together as he considers his response. "I would not make that mistake, if I were you."

"She ain't yours." The unkept man scoots closer to them, and Cassian forces himself to not move, to keep his hand off his blaster. Resist the urge to cover Jyn with his body to shield her from view or beat this man senseless. He's not sure which one would bring him more satisfaction. "That makes her in play."

"I will only warn you once. Leave her alone."

"Or what, you'll shoot me?" He scoffs at Cassian, eyeing him, and Cassian considers doing just that.

"No." Cassian takes a purposeful, casual sip. "I will wake her up, and watch her beat you senseless while I finish my soup." Another sip, and his tone turns menacing, and he leans forward. "Then, when she's done, if I am not satisfied with the number of your bones she has broken, I will finish you off." He's seathing, sneering at the man, and trying to keep his voice low so others will not overhear the threats. So he won't wake Jyn.

"That little..."

Cassian interrupts his incredulity before he can finish. "She's bored, and I've seen her fight a half dozen men with actual training. You don't stand a chance. She'd enjoy breaking you into pieces." He gestures to the man's ample midsection, evidence of his lack of physical fitness. He might be embellishing, but it's for a good cause. It's near enough to truthful, anyway. He'd put his money on Jyn in a fight, regardless.

Jyn tries to keep from smiling as she listens to the exchange, eyes closed and feigning sleep. She rolls onto her right side, and lets her hand stay where it is when it brushes against Cassian's hip. She's asleep again in moments, and doesn't feel the gentle brush of his fingers against her shoulder or notice the vigilant man at her side glaring at anyone who dares to come too close.

* * *

"What's in your bag?" Cassian finally gathers the courage to ask the question that has been burning the back of his brain for days. He's been watching as she opens the bag, and methodically counts the contents. Sometimes she extracts a nutribar or a cube of protein supplement. More often than not, though, she frowns and zips it closed again.

"My stuff." Jyn shrugs and tosses the vague response over her shoulder.

He's been watching her; taken note of her uniform, crumpled now with daily wear and lack of proper shower facilities. She hasn't changed clothes. Neither has he, but he needs to know. He needs answers. "What kind of cold weather gear did you pack?"

Jyn shrugs again, and Cassian bites back his frustration. "I need to know if we need to pick up gear for you."

"I have what I need." She's a master at evasion. A savant.

"Jyn." One syllable. A warning. An exclamation. There's something tender behind it, though, although she wonders if she imagines that part.

"Uniforms. Food. Canteen." Bessel took her blaster as part of her punishment. She also has her vibroblade snugly contained on the inside of her left ankle. Her truncheons are long lost, and she misses them most of all. They weren't like the ones she had before her arrest on Corulag, but they were decent enough. She's tried hard to not steal since joining the Rebel Alliance, so she's been making do with what she's been issued.

"Do you have anything clothing not issued by the Rebellion?" He's frowning, and she feels defensive at the way he's knitted his eyebrows in anger or frustration or something she can't identify.

"No." Her chin juts up and out, and he sees the steel replace the new softness that had been in her eyes only moments ago. "I have enough."

It's not enough, sadly, and Cassian pinches the bridge of his nose. He should have known. He should have understood. He should have clarified. Everything she owned had been cut off of her after Scarif. He'd held the shreds in his hands; packed them back into the bag, and tucked it under her gurney. She was used to living lean. Doing without. Making do. Why would she have wasted precious credits on her own clothes when the Rebellion provided her with three changes of uniforms and a jacket? He has his doubts about that jacket, anyway. His coat looks far warmer than her thin garment.

"Okay." He's already rummaging through his bags, searching for something that will work. "We're going to have to get your some clothes. You can't wear that the whole time."

"I have others." She protests, hand moving to open her bag and produce evidence of her spare sets of uniform.

"We need to blend in." He's doing it again. He's leaning in close, bending his neck to speak directly into her ear. "We need to get you things that aren't marked with Rebellion insignia. We need to blend in."

"This will do." She protests weakly, brain running the numbers and coming up dry.

He drops it for now, because an argument won't change the outcome or accomplish anything useful. He's right, though. It's a small wrench in the original plan, but he can work with it. It's his fault for not checking. He should have been more thorough. More observant.

* * *

Jyn and Cassian are nine days into their journey when they land at a noisy spaceport and have to change ships again. Jyn is following Cassian through the crowded public landing pads. Merchants have set up stalls along the alleys and streets, and Jyn can't help but draw comparisons to Jedha. Pilgrims in their red cloaks bustle along while children beg for coins and food on corners. Jyn sees a small child, maybe nine or ten, filthy and visibly cold asking passersby for food, and comes to a halt unexpectedly. Cassian is four steps away before he notices her absence behind him, and turns in time to see her remove her vest and jacket.

"Here." She bends down and offers her jacket to the shivering child. Cassian can't tell if the little one is male or female under all the grime, but his heart thrums when he watches Jyn gently drape the garment around the shivering youngling's shoulders. She shrugs back into her vest, and digs in a her bag for a moment before extracting a handful of ration bars. "Take these." She whispers, and stands straight as she watches the young child sprint away.

Cassian has moved to stand behind her as she stays rooted to the spot, eyes following the path the little child took before disappearing around a corner.

"Are you okay?" He murmurs quietly into her ear after several moments.

She only manages a nod, but he sees the frown and the steel and sadness in her eyes. She's done this before, he recalls. Back on Jedha during the firefight. She dashed into the fray to rescue a small child. Risked her own life for a little girl she'd never met. She'd nearly lost her life, too, but Cassian was fast enough to take down a few 'Troopers and a Partisan with a grenade. After everything she's been through, she still cares. She can't watch a child suffer. Cassian's heart feels like it misses a few beats as he gazes down at her in awe. _Does she see herself in these children?_

"We have to go." Her only reply is to turn and follow him, but he sees the heavy emotion cross her face. There's a story there, and he makes a note to ask her about it later in private. _How many nights did you go hungry? How often did you shiver yourself to sleep as your stomach protested in hunger?_

"We're due to check into the hotel. We leave in the morning." The transport arrived a full day ahead of schedule, even at sublight speeds. Cassian knows of a small hotel that's fairly clean and affordable not far from here. It will do for the night. _  
_

This sad backwater planet has a small Imperial presence, and Jyn notices the way Cassian's shoulders tense at the sight of Stormtroopers patrolling the streets. The sight doesn't give her a warm feeling, either, though.

"Hey." She whispers as she sidles up closer to him. "How can I be here?" She moves her eyes to motion toward the cameras installed in the intersections. "I'm a fugitive. My face has to be plastered all over every Imperial local substation around."

"I took care of that." He whispers back, breath warm on her ear. "I changed your picture in the archives."

"All of them?" She shoots him an incredulous look. She has had more than a few aliases in the last several years. Lianna Hallik was hardly her only assumed identity.

"I'm very thorough." Cassian shoots her a grin that makes her knees feel wobbly, and she averts her gaze to her shoes.

* * *

 _A/N: How is it that the story is only just now starting and I'm ten chapters in? Anyway. A HUGE thank you to the wonderful, kind souls who continue to leave lovely, encouraging reviews._ _DirtWaterTomahawk, TortoisetheStoryteller, wanttofeel, Loli-pop0394, Guest, texaspeach, Icbacteria (awesome name, btw. Are you a microbiologist?), and 5dreamcatcher, you are all wonderful people, and your encouragement and comments mean the world to me._

 _It has been brought to my attention that I forgot to include the name of a wonderfully kind and supportive reviewer. I do apologize for the oversight, but I will not wait until next chapter to correct the mistake. A huge thank you to Mademoiselle le Chat. I will not be counting on my email notifications to remind me who reviewed any longer, as I now realize that the kind reviews you leave for me do not appear there. It was a wonderful treat to read your kind words after I returned home from work tonight. Please accept my sincerest apologies._


	11. Chapter 11

Cassian checks his chrono and judges that they should shop after checking into their lodging for the night. He pushes the possibilities of their sleeping arrangements from his mind, but not before he admits that two beds would be preferable for both parties. It's still early in the afternoon here on this planet. He's never been fond of Seregar, but the trading post should have what they need. It'll be basic, but Jyn doesn't strike him as an overly fussy person when it comes to her attire, so whatever they are able to find here should do for now. He can't imagine her complaining about something like clothing - not after a childhood like hers. They are so much alike, he realizes again. It seems uncanny at times.

There was significantly less Imperial presence the last time he was here, and he thinks that was probably about eighteen standard months ago. Kaytoo was with him, and he'd left him in the ship after a quick survey of the area. The Imperial insignia would be a dead giveaway that he didn't belong. With all the eyes around them, Cassian finds himself wishing that his droid were here keeping an eye out for him. He trusts Jyn, and he knows she'll have his back. Still, he misses his friend.

Jyn is truly in urgent need of a new coat now that she gave jacket away, and he considers steering her toward the merchant now to purchase one. It may be warmer on this lonely rock than on Hoth, but it is only by a matter of degrees. Hypothermia is still a very real risk, and their final destination will only be even colder. He spares a glance in her direction and considers shucking his own coat and demanding that she wear it when he sees the telltale set of her shoulders and jaw. She will fight him on it, though, and refuse to admit that she's cold. Jyn will refuse to admit that she is capable of being cold, as such an admission is tantamount to weakness in her eyes. She's trying to not visibly shiver in this biting wind, her vest no doubt offering little protection against the approaching night air. Cassian still wonders if checking in should wait for a few moments while they grab her a warm outer layer.

He replays the memory of her carefully draping her jacket over the slim shoulders of the shivering child over and over again. Something about the look on her face when he spoke to her worries him. He remembers being that young, too. Lost and angry. Not alone in the same ways she was, but near enough. He appreciates Stalix and Win. They were good to him. He misses them, but they were not his parents. They'd taken good care of him, clothed him, fed him. Win held him at night in those early days when he nightmares about his family clutched at him in the dark, apologies dripping off of her sympathetic tongue as she'd wiped away his childish tears and pressed motherly kisses to his forehead. Stalix was stern but kind, with an easy smile and endless encouraging words. They'd never given him any indication that they resented having to care for him - a child they'd only met a handful of times before moving him into their home permanently. Jyn, he knows, was not as fortunate. It feels odd now to think of himself as lucky, after a lifetime of only seeing his losses and pain. Cassian only had one interaction with Saw Gerrera before the man died, but it was a short one. On Jedha, and he remembers the way the man pulled himself up over Jyn as she remained on her knees oblivious to her surroundings. Saw had his staff at the ready, prepared to fight Cassian should he pose a threat to Jyn. Prepared to defend her. He'd obviously cared about her, and Cassian is grateful for that. He'd encouraged her to run, and to save herself. To be safe. But his last words were not of love or hope for a safe and happy future. No, his final words to the girl he'd saved and raised were an admonition to save the cause he'd taught her to fight for.

Cassian continues pondering this as they make their way through the village. The image of Jyn crumpled on the dusty floor of Saw's base as Jedha disintegrated into dust haunts him. Her eyes were so vacant when he found her, so different than he'd come to expect. Had Saw ever given her a choice? Had he forced her to fight? He can remember many nights when Win admonished Stalix to keep Cassian out of the fight - to shield him from the violence and loss they both faced.

 _"He's just a child." Win's voice carried softly through the adobe walls. He can't even recall where they'd lived at the time. It was warm and green, and that's all he knows. "He can't make this decision for himself, Stalix. We promised we'd take care of him."_

 _Cassian remembers that fight came after Stalix taught him to shoot. He'd come home with a bruise on his cheek from the recoil of the poorly balanced rifle. His arms had been so short at the time that he'd barely been able to hold it._

 _"He wants to fight, Win." Stalix's soft baritone replied. "You can't keep him six forever. He's going to resent us for sheltering him."_

 _"He shouldn't be exposed to this." Win intoned, and Cassian footsteps leading down the hallway toward the kitchen. "We can't use children as soldiers. It's wrong."_

 _"He'll be a man soon enough." Stalix countered quietly, as if his voice didn't carry. "He asked me to teach him."_

 _"I don't like it." Cassian remembers the clinking of dishes in the sink. "We should have quit and move somewhere quiet. He shouldn't be exposed to this."_

 _"We're at war, Win." A pause and a soft clatter. "He's going to have to learn sooner or later."_

Cassian is still grateful to Win for putting up that fight, and it was hardly the only time she'd ever stood up for him and tried to preserve his supposed innocence. Even if she'd had her way that night and all the others that followed, and Stalix had refused to ever let him touch a weapon until he was of age, Cassian knows he'd still be here. He would have joined the Rebellion regardless. He still believes in the cause, he just has doubts as to their methods now. He kept his doubts and emotions buried for so long, but they've been surfacing lately. Since he met Jyn. Since Eadu. Jyn, though. Jyn is different. She feels things deeply, and he suspects that Saw taught her to bury it all. He knows without asking that her training began near immediately, and no one ever fought for her innocence or for her safety. No one would have stood up to Saw and tried to take her away from the violence and death. She's talented, he knows. Skilled. He's alive because of her proficiency with a variety of weapons and fighting techniques. But she could have been so much more, and the knowledge makes him incredibly sad. He wonders what they could have become in a kinder universe - a universe not rent apart by war and pain. Would he have become the artist his mother saw? Would Jyn have followed her parents into the sciences? Would he have still found her somehow, brought together by the Force or something else just as invisible and undefinable?

Jyn doesn't comment when she feels pressure on her back, and she hopes that she manages to contain her surprise as she swallows hard. A hand, gentle and warm with three fingers splayed below the stretchy band of her vest, comforting against her chilled skin. He does this, she realizes; he's tactile. Cassian touches her. An elbow. Sometimes a pat on the shoulder. Once a hand on her knee right before they left Hoth. He's pulled her to him a few times; Jedha, the platform on Eadu, and Scarif. A few hugs - two, if she's counting, although she'd initiated one of those when he was grieving. This is new, though, and she takes a moment to consider her reaction to his familiarity with her person. He's never breached any boundaries, fingers never straying beyond the confines of what might be polite and socially acceptable. Still, there is solace in his warm palm through her clothing, and the brush of his fingers on her skin. He's not the first to attempt these liberties with her, but he is the only one to not be met with the business end of her fists or blaster. And Captain Ober, she relents. He guided her just a few weeks ago to an injured Cassian with a calming hand on her elbow. She considers this for a moment as he steers her around the port with her skin burning beneath his fingers, even through the layers of her shirts.

* * *

Instead of shopping, Cassian eventually decides that they both need a good shower, sonic or otherwise. The retailers might not appreciate just how ripe he imagines they both smell right now. The check-in transaction takes only a few moments, and in no time he and Jyn are checking out their quarters for the night. Jyn drops her bag on the mattress farthest from the door, and eyes the 'fresher door hungrily.

"Go." Cassian pulls the faded material of the drapes closed to give them some privacy. "Take the first shower. I can wait." He looks away as she grabs a change of clothes from her bag and drops her boots by the bed with two staccato thuds. She disappears behind the door, and he hears a gasp as it closes.

"It's real!" She exclaims, and Cassian knows exactly why she sounds gleeful. A real shower. With water. No sonic refresher here. Hoth was so cold that actual plumbing was a problem. The water froze in the pipes often, even in the sink in his kitchenette. You couldn't really have heaters on, because they'd melt the ice. Insulating the pipes well was the best option, but even that failed sometimes in those temperatures. A hot shower truly will be a treat. He hasn't had a real shower in what feels like months.

Jyn bathes quickly, but scrubs every inch of her body twice to remove the grime. She takes a few moments to stand under the spray and just enjoy the feeling of the hot water coursing over her skin. It's been so long since she felt clean and warm. The soap is Rebellion standard issue; harsh, and she's not fond of the fragrance, but it does the job. It always leaves her skin feeling tight and itchy. Working the lather through her hair was possibly the most satisfying experience she's had in weeks or maybe years. She towels off quickly, and hastily throws on her clean uniform. She's pink and warm, toweling the excess moisture from her hair when she exits and notices the way Cassian's quickly averts his gaze when he sees her looking at him.

"Your turn." She nods toward the 'fresher as she drops to the bed. "It's heavenly." She watches him pick up the bundle of clothing he's laid out and shuts the door behind him.

Cassian emerges from the 'fresher finally feeling clean. He's a soldier, and he knows how to go for days on end without bathing. He can ignore dirt and grime, pain, exhaustion, and hunger, but the one luxury that he truly covets is a hot shower. Sometimes he thinks he gets a bit too poetic about the simple act of washing one's self. Cassian grabs one of his bags and rummages for a moment before extracting an article of clothing and handing it to Jyn. "Here." He waves it at her. "Put this on."

Jyn takes the proffered clothing and holds it up to her own body. "I have a shirt." The face she is making is one of mild annoyance. "And mine fits." To be honest, it's a bit large, but it's closer than this one will be.

"It will be long on you, but it the smallest one I have." And it will help her blend. Make her look less like an Alliance recruit who can't afford their own clothes.

"I don't need your clothes." She tosses the dark grey shirt back onto his bed and meets his eyes with a steely gaze.

"Jyn, put it on." Cassian stands, all business now. "I am not asking you. We need to blend in, and you stand out in that uniform." She could probably make do with her uniforms, if Cassian was honest with himself, but he doesn't want her to. It's easy enough to not wear the pieces with rank insignia, and her scarf covers the chevrons on her vest. He wants her to have her own clothes, though, even if he's not willing to admit it to her. He's standing in front of her now, his toes nearly touching hers, and Jyn has to crane her neck up to see him. She can't stand up to equalize the height distance because he is too close. He takes a step back finally, and holds out the offending item for her to take.

"Fine." She snaps, and grabs the shirt from his hand, stalking to the 'fresher and closes the door firmly.

"Jyn." His voice is softer now through the barrier. "We'll get you your own things. It's just for an hour or so."

Jyn strips off her own shirt and slides Cassian's over her head. It's far too large on her; the shoulders hang off her frame, and she has to roll up the sleeves. It'll be useless to try to tuck that much material into her trousers, so she leaves it out. It's more of a tunic on her than a shirt, really. Her vest will look silly over top of this comically large garment, but she doesn't really care. Fashion and looks never bothered her much. She's always had to care more about function and utility.

"Happy?" She exits the refresher in a huff, Cassian's shirt hanging off her frame.

The sight of Jyn swallowed in his clothing tightens something Cassian did not expect in his abdomen. "Let's go."

"I don't need new clothes." Jyn protests and sits back down on her mattress. "Can't I just wear this?"

As much as the notion of Jyn wearing his shirt for the next who knows how many days appeals to him, Cassian does not relent. "No. You need a coat, too. You can come with me, or stay here, but I'm going shopping with or without you."

"I can't go shopping." Jyn mumbles quietly, eyes staring at her sock covered toes.

It takes Cassian a few seconds to put the syllables together into a coherent sentence. "Why, Jyn?" He's squatting down in front of her between the beds now, pausing to put his weight on his uninjured leg and letting out a long breath. He pulls his hands back to his own knees when he reaches for her without thinking.

"I don't have any money." Her voice is so quiet that Cassian has to strain to hear, leaning forward into her personal space again. "I can't exactly have an account in my name." She shrugs. "I haven't figured out what to do, yet." The Major from disbursing said they'd figure it out, and not to worry because it can take three to four months for pay to start anyway. She hadn't really given it much thought. Food is provided. Her lodgings are free. They issued her clothing. Honestly, it was more than Jyn had ever dreamed of with or without the paycheck.

"I'm not..."

Jyn cut him off again and stares him down with a stony face. "None, Cassian. Nothing. I have no credits. I...I can't afford to go shopping." It was humiliating to admit, and she can't meet his gaze by the end.

"I can buy..."

"I can't pay you back." She hissed fiercely eyes narrowed and lips pursed tightly. "I..." Jyn hates being indebted to anyone. Half a lifetime of people wanting something out of her, pieces of her in payment for even the smallest favors have left her hesitant to accept anything resembling a gift. A particularly painful experience soon after Saw left her nags at her memory. She'd been young, just sixteen, on her own with nothing to her name. She'd needed a place to live. Food. Basic necessities. A smuggler a decade older than she offered her a bunk on his ship in exchange for work. It only took a few weeks before she realized what kind of work he really wanted from her, and it had nothing to do with contraband imports. Weeks later once she managed to get away she'd stood in the freezing rain for hours trying to forget the feel of him on her skin and the bruising on her knuckles. She'd caught some sort of illness after that, and spent the next week and a half feverish and achy and praying to the Force for a quick and painless end as she ducked into doorways and slept in abandoned buildings. After the fever broke and she was no longer delirious, she swore she'd never trust another soul. Then Cassian came into her life, followed quickly by Chirrut and Baze. Then Bodhi. These were not the men she was accustomed to, and against her instincts she trusted them. It is still difficult for her, though, and she's considered running from this simmering friendship. Still, Cassian has never asked anything from her, and her finely honed radar has never alerted her to any motive of his that was untoward. Well, not after Eadu, and she actually regrets her angry words from that night. To tell a man like Cassian that he is no better than a Stormtrooper is unforgivable, yet somehow here he is.

Cassian cuts her off by dropping to his knees and reaching for her, framing her face with both hands. "Listen to me." He brushes the hair from her forehead and tilts her head up to meet his gaze. "I am not keeping score with you. I am not asking for you to pay me back. I do not have a ledger where I tally up who owes whom. You need something, and you are my friend. I do not keep score with my friends. Let me do this for you."

He thought he saw her eyes water, but she blinked hard and looked at his chest as quickly as it began. "I..."

"You owe me nothing." His eyes bore into Jyn's, willing her to understand and believe him. "Not now. Not ever." They stay here for a few moments in silence, before she nodded almost imperceptibly as his words sink in, and he releases her face and drops his grasp to her shoulders. "Now, let's find you some clothes, and then I want to eat. I'm hungry, and I would like a meal that includes some actual food." He states his plans as matter of fact as possible to avoid additional protests from Jyn.

He struggles to his feet, frowning at how much easier that was only a few months ago, and offers Jyn a hand. She takes it this time, and rises to stand next to him. Cassian throws his arm around her shoulders and squeezes her gently to his side as they walk to the door. "After all of those ration bars, I might order everything on the menu." He smiles at her as they walk towards the door, pausing and releasing his grasp only to put on his coat.

* * *

Cassian leads the way to the trading post where he hopes they will still be able to find what they need. He has a few supplies he needs to pick up for himself, and he hopes to restock his supplies of rations. The crowd has thickened, and Cassian figures that the workday must be ending. Jyn is swallowed by the crowd twice before Cassian gets nervous and acts. He stops abruptly, and snakes a hand to grasp her upper arm firmly as she is swept by him in the mass of bodies, yanking her sideways and dragging them both against a building. The momentum propels her into his chest, and he steadies her with both arms.

"Sorry." She murmurs, straightening and pushing to move away.

"Just let the crowd pass." He speaks softly into her ear, faces mere centimeters apart. He didn't like losing her in the bustle, and holds her in place, arms bracketing her against the shoving throngs. This planet didn't have this many inhabitants the last time he'd been here. The population flocked to the Outer Rim in an effort to escape the ever-lengthening grasp of the Empire.

"I can take care of myself, you know?" She's looking up at him, and he grins at the sparkle in her eyes.

"I know." He murmurs next to her ear. "I've seen you do it."

She doesn't respond, but her lips form a soft smile before she drops her gaze to his jacket. When Cassian deems it safe again and the crowd has thinned somewhat, they continue on their way. He keeps Jyn safely in front of him, and one hand on her shoulder to guide her. They find the trading post he's looking for easily enough, and he grabs a few supplies for himself before heading to the messy stacks of clothing.

"I don't know your size." He shrugs, and hands Jyn a smallish-looking coat. "But this looks warm." It's light grey, and serviceable, and it fits her fine, but Jyn thinks it's too expensive. She sees the price and starts to protest, but he grabs it from her hands and holds it tightly against him.

"Does it fit?" He waits for a reluctant nod. "Is it warm?" Another nod coupled with a glare. "Do you have gloves?"

"Yes."

Jyn stares at him for a moment before stepping away and picking a dark blue shirt. Cassian adds one more, and then another, pausing to see if she likes them. They're basic, solid colors, and dark. He adds a warm-looking jacket to the pile figuring that she can layer it under the coat for added warmth. He shoots her a pointed look when he finds the stacks of trousers, and she reluctantly picks through and finds a pair in black. Cassian adds a similar pair in brown in the same size to the pile he is carrying, and marches her to the merchant to pay, grabbing another pair of gloves and a warm hat as he goes. She breaks his heart sometimes, he thinks to himself as they waits for his change. Cassian carries the pile wrapped in twine and paper, and they head toward a small restaurant he noticed earlier.

* * *

 _A/N: So apparently the chapters just get longer as I attempt to delay writing the difficult next chapter. I've had some impressive writers block, and that coupled with lack of sleep, too much work, needy spouse, and my own personal laziness means nothing has been accomplished this week. I've had some complaints about how I wrote the command and structure of the Rebellion. My only experience with military is the 10+ years I spent in my country's military. They're all different, I imagine, but I can only write what I know. And in mine, no one cares about anyone. You can be a hero, but if you step out of line you'll be busted down in rank, getting extra duty for 60 days, half months pay for two months, etc. No one cares how awesome you are or how many lives you've saved. Perhaps other organizations are better or more kind, but I've never worked for those. Also, the whole story hasn't come out here, yet, so be patient._

 _Also, many hundreds of thanks to the reviewers. I repeat this every time, but seriously you are all so special to me. Your kind words keep me going when I'm stricken with wicked writers block. Shazza72, 5dreamcatcher, Loli-pop0394, banans r gd, Luiwen-2013, Mademoiselle le Chat, TortoisetheStoryteller, excellentboiledpotatoes, lindcita, RedAbsol, liltle, and Guest - you have all inspired me, and I am grateful to you for your time and kindness._

 _Lastly, does anyone else have trouble opening the website on their smartphone? I can only use the website on my phone if I am connected to wifi._

 _PS: Chapters 12 and 13 are actually almost written. 11-13 were originally all one chapter, but I got wordy. It happens. I'm finishing them up, polishing and shining. And even after editing them ten times each, I won't notice the mistakes until AFTER I post them. It never fails._


	12. Chapter 12

Jyn and Cassian sit across from each other at a small, rustic table in the dining establishment, and Cassian considers the menu thoughtfully. It is basic fare and nothing fancy, but his mouth is watering regardless. He glances at Jyn from time to time and finds her blushing furiously as she fidgets with her hands.

"Order a real meal." He encourages. "It might be a while before we get another one." He hopes it doesn't sound too much like a command, but he really doesn't want to argue about dinner, too.

They both end up getting large bowls of soup with noodles and a variety of toppings. Rather than the typical fork and spoon in the Alliance mess, the server brings out pairs of long, thin sticks to eat with. Jyn picks hers up gracefully, and is busily slurping away when she feels Cassian's gaze on her.

"What?" She retorts around a mouthful of noodles. "I know how to use these. I haven't always lived like a savage, you know."

"That's not..." He doesn't complete his sentence, choosing instead to shake his head and start eating his own dinner. She lived on Coruscant as a young child, he recalls details from his research. He spent months trying to find the daughter of Galen Erso. Weeks spent pouring over every minute detail of her family when he wasn't even certain that she was still alive. The knowledge about her family and life that he carries in his head makes him feel like he has somehow intruded on her private life at times now that he spends his free time with her. Jyn is a quiet person; keeps to herself. She doesn't offer up much to others, but she lets Cassian see her sometimes. Lets him get to know her. He grasps at those rare moments like they're precious. Of course she knows how to use eating sticks. Eating sticks used to only be used by the elites; the upper classes on fancy worlds like Coruscant. It is advertised as a utopian, cultured planet-city, not at all like Fest had been, with it's basic technologies and scant population. He's been to Coruscant more times than he cares to remember, and he is always struck by the lack of space. No one has any room to move. You can't even see the sky in most places because of the density of structures. He could never live there. Two years ago he spent six months undercover making nice with a contact at the university science department. He was attempting to gather intelligence on the whereabouts of Galen Erso, but what he remembers most was the constant, overwhelming sensation of being swallowed. He never wants to return.

"I was probably eighteen the first time I saw these." He admits with a self-deprecatory smile, allowing himself to move further back in his memories for a moment. "I had no idea what to do."

She doesn't comment, but she looks up at him, pausing to hear the rest of his story with amused eyes and a trace of smile. He seems to have figured out how to eat with them, although Jyn notes that he's still a tad clumsy.

"I tried to drink from the bowl and just hoped that I'd get a few noodles in the process." She graces him with a full smile at this, and a quiet chuckle. Cassian catches her eyes with a grin of his own.

"Did it work?" She's smiling at him now. A real smile that reaches her green eyes and makes them sparkle.

"Not very well." Cassian chuckles at the memory. "I ended up with food all over my face."

Jyn tries to imagine him at eighteen, younger, less scruff, maybe thinner. Less haunted. She finds that she can't quite make the leap.

"You seem to have figured it out." She glances at his right hand, carefully holding the eating sticks. He's still a tad awkward with them, and maybe always will be, but he can manage.

"I think my mother used to make something kind of like this." Her voice sounds far away as she returns this volley. The book he loaned her on the trip weighs on her, and she's spent more than a few hours pondering its significance. Cassian knows all about her. He knows her aliases, her parents names, where they were born. Her arrest record. It still hurts to talk about them, her father especially. His death is still raw, and she hasn't fully processed it. She barely knows Cassian, though. He rarely opens the door and lets her get to know him. She knows the man. Kind. Exacting. Loyal. Lethal. But these glimpses of who he is beneath the soldier persona are rare gifts. So here she is, discussing her mother, even though the lump that appears in her throat will make it difficult to speak. "It was thicker, and the vegetables were different, but it was noodles in soup with stuff on top." She pauses, lost in a memory she didn't even know she possessed. "She'd make it when I was sick."

Cassian considers this thoughtfully, and chances a question. "Was she a good cook?"

"I think so." She's embarrassed that she doesn't actually remember. "Maybe. It was a long time ago." A long time and a few lifetimes ago, she thinks. The memory of meals around the table with her parents has been shoved purposefully to the furthest recesses of her mind. Recollections of those simple times are painful, and she learned quickly to avoid thinking of her parents after Saw took her in. He wasn't given to flights of nostalgia or appreciative of teary-eyed little girls. Jyn tries to think of something else she can say about her mother's cooking, but she doesn't have many memories. Her efforts to wipe that slate clean may have worked too well, she realizes. Mostly she remembers that last day.

Cassian strains to find a safer topic of conversation, but everything feels trite. They lapse into silence for a few minutes while he stretches to gather his courage.

"May I ask you something?" He finally ventures carefully.

A shrug and a glance in between bites show no discomfort. "Sure."

Even with her affirmative response, he hesitates. "It's...personal." He pauses. "You don't have to answer if..." _If you don't want to tell me. If I've strayed into territory I have no business trespassing. If it's none of my business._

"Okay."

The moments stretch before them again in silence. "Back there, before, with the child." He stutters, grasping for purchase. "Why did you do it?"

"Give her food?" Jyn glances up, and meets his eyes only briefly before grabbing her beverage and taking a steadying sip. She avoids the topic of the jacket for now, even as regret transforms into guilt for costing him money. He'd had to spend his own credits to replace her garment, and she's equal parts furious at herself and confused by his gesture. Jyn realises that she's been silent, and blushes as she continues hurriedly. "She was hungry." It's an oversimplification, but it's true at the base of it. The child was hungry. And cold. And Jyn saw her own eyes reflected in the dark beads looking pitifully up at her as she passed. She'd been that child, once. Scared. Belly empty and churning. Cold and alone, and standing on street corners begging. The begging was always a sham, though. She wasn't actually there for food or alms or charity. She was listening. She was taking note of who passed by and when. Saw had charts of important faces with names beneath them, and Jyn was the lookout. She found the targets and learned their patterns. She memorized their routines and reported them to Saw. Sometimes she was present when they met their ends, and sometimes she only heard about it after.

One of the marks - it was easier to always call them marks - was a woman. She was tall and had glistening red hair and plump red lips, and she always stopped and gave Jyn change and a piece of candy. Jyn followed her for weeks, popping up randomly along her daily routes, always turned away when the lovely lady approached her. She'd called Jyn "dear" as she pressed coins and treats into her dirt-covered palm, and asked where her parents were. Why wasn't she in school? She gave Jyn a pair of gloves once, and it was the last time she ever saw her. Jyn felt the shocks from the explosion that killed the red-haired woman. The gloves turned to weights on her hands, and she'd been disgusted by them after that. She gave them to an older girl in the Partisans next day. They were soft and warm, the color of the first sun's rays on a clear cold day. She still hates that shade of pink.

He takes a steadying breath and tries again. "I saw you counting rations on the ship." He stammers on. "You portioned them, went hungry even when you had plenty left." Her eyes are narrowed on him now. "Were hungry with Saw or after?" Did he feed you as a child, or did you only know hunger when he abandoned you and left you alone at sixteen with no money and no home? He wanted to say something to her on the ship, but nothing ever felt private. He was loathe to embarrass her in a public setting, but this table in the back of the restaurant felt secluded.

"Both, I guess." She sets her mug down and leans back against the seat. "But more after." Saw fed her, but it was only enough to keep from starving. She never felt sated; never had anything delicious or exciting. Meals like this one are such a treat to her taste buds, starved of flavor for so many years. She imagines that Cassian feels much the same way, though, as Alliance fare is fairly bland and tasteless. "Money was scarce for the Partisans, but he tried to take care of me."

"And in Wobani?" He doesn't even mention the other prisons and jails he knows she's too familiar with for comfort. Wobani was the longest. And by far it was the most dangerous.

"Very."

Her frank response is met with his pursed lips, and he notes with sadness the lack of explanation. Just "very." Very hungry. He's read the reports; heard the stories. No one survives very long there. Either you starve or you're killed. Escape is nearly impossible, and the few who try are almost always returned with longer sentences. He's heard rumors of torture at that prison, and he almost wants to know if they were true. The idea sends a cold shiver down his spine, but it is obvious that she does not wish to continue exploring this topic. Truthfully, he is gratified that she answered at all.

"Jyn?" He hopes he's not overstepping here with what he wants to say. She just raises her eyebrows, face passive and relaxed. She looks so different now, here in this place with him. Her eyes have lost that fragile, broken, frightened quality that they had when he met her. She looks grounded. Tranquil. Almost at peace even as they discuss her past. He pushes onward bravely. "I won't let you go hungry." He doesn't mean to do it, he hasn't planned it, but his hand reaches across and wraps around her wrist lightly. He hopes the gesture is reassuring and not overbearing.

She meets his eyes and holds his gaze this time, nodding softly. "Okay." She almost lets herself believe him.

Jyn is quiet now, but Cassian doesn't release her wrist. Instead he memorizes the delicate bones and the way his fingers easily encircle the circumference of her joint. Delicate. Deadly. He's seen what she can do with a truncheon or blaster held in these small hands.

"Why didn't you tell me about the problem with your pay?" He finally asks, voice quiet.

Jyn shrugs one shoulder and scoffs a little. "Because it's not a big deal, and everyone already thinks I'm sleeping with you for favors."

"Everyone...what?" Cassian's eyes are wide, incredulous.

"It's the rumor around base." She doesn't actually mind the rumor. She doesn't encourage it, but there are worse things than being the center of lies and exaggerations. "And I didn't want to cause you any trouble." Because she knows he'd try to fix it.

"You should be paid for your time." He gives her wrist a squeeze before releasing it. "And maybe we could have found a solution." It does make sense to not have the accounts in her real name, though. If the Empire hacks their systems, the name Jyn Erso will make her and the base a target. The Rebel Alliance tries to not use aliases for pay purposes, preferring instead to thoroughly vet their recruits. Cassian could have routed her pay through several dummy accounts first, or even had it routed into his account, and then given her credits in coins.

He actually hadn't been aware of the gossip about them. No one except the Lieutenant Colonel and Draven ever said anything to him. If Jyn is bothered by the gossip, she doesn't let on. Still, the fact that there was so much fixation on their relationship bothers Cassian. What bothers him more is his obliviousness to it all. He really _is_ slipping. He hasn't been gone enough to justify that much scandal pass him by. Maybe she spent more nights alone in his quarters than he imagined, though. He imagined quite a bit.

"Can I ask you a question, then?" He is surprised at her boldness, but smiles quickly to put her at ease.

"Of course." He wishes he hadn't released his hold on her wrist now, and straightens, waiting.

"Why are you nice to me?" She's staring him in the eye now, resolute. Firm.

Cassian is at a loss. "We're friends." He finally manages. "I'm generally nice to my friends." It's almost a lie. He has few friends, and has never had many. He has a few acquaintances, though, but he is staunchly loyal to those who've shown loyalty and kindness to him.

Jyn just shakes her head and purses her lips. "You generally let your friends sleep on your sofa night after night? Invade your space? Make them dinner? Buy them clothes?"

"Jyn." He wonders for a moment how many times he has said her name in the past few months. "We're...you're...we nearly died on that beach together." Wrapped in each others arms. "I think that justifies a certain level of friendship and..." _Intimacy_. He won't way it aloud, though.

"You barely knew me."

"I know enough." _I know that you'll die for your ideals. That you'll fight for your family. That you'll run headlong into a firefight to save an endangered child. That you can inspire a dozen strangers to risk their lives for a chance to save the galaxy. That when you smiled at me on that tower after transmitting the plans I realized that I wanted to live, and I hadn't wanted that in decades._

Jyn's keen ears don't miss the change in verb tense. He _knows_ enough. She slides right past that for now.

"I thought you hated me." She admits, remembering their first few interactions back on Yavin 4 and the two of them growling at each other in the stolen shuttle after Eadu.

"Now?" Surely not now. Not after they faced death together and fought off the ice of Hoth, the burden of surviving, and all of their own demons together. After she's spent night after night sleeping safely in his quarters, wrapped in his blanket, and fed with his stocks of food.

"No." She's looking at her soup. "Not now. But before. In the beginning." She's an expert with eating sticks, and he watches silently as she takes an easy bite of noodles. "Until Scarif, I guess. Or just before." They've never once spoken of Scarif and what happened there. The friends they lost. The pieces of themselves they left behind. They've only spoken of the outcome - the injuries each sustained, the destruction of the Death Star and Alderaan, and even then only briefly. They seem to have made a silent agreement to only look forward. Only discuss what's here and what's ahead. But Cassian knows that you can't escape the past forever. You have to face it, or it consumes you. He's been on the edge of that consumption for years now, teetering dangerously and threatening to crash. Maybe they should talk about what happened there - the friends they lost and what changed between them. He feels like they make these incremental steps forward, slowly, one at a time. Inching toward something he wants but is afraid to name.

"I never hated you." He concedes, returning his focus to their current conversation. "I didn't understand you." He'd resented the way she ran from the Rebellion. Resented that she'd spent her life hiding and only looking out for herself. He hadn't understood why she pushed everyone away - why she wanted no part of an organization to which he had devoted he entire adult life. Cassian thinks back to Jedha, and the memory of her gracefully making short work of the Stormtroopers. The firefight. The way she dove into him, knocking him into the ground when the grenade exploded. Her shattered psyche, collapsed on her knees in the dust as the world crumbled beneath them. "Then I respected you."

Jyn's head shoots up in surprise at this. She's not sure anyone has ever respected her before. Not like this. Not someone like Cassian.

"And war tends to...bond people together." He's sure she's aware of this. She may not have had many friends with Saw's Partisans, but he suspects she had comrades much the same way he does. He wishes Bodhi had escaped. And Baze. Chirrut. Her father. He regrets not being able to save the lives of those men who meant something to her. Bodhi probably had stories of her father. Baze and Chirrut treated her like family. He remembers Baze's words to Jyn in the stolen shuttle. _"Good luck, little sister."_ How he'd give anything to bring them back for her. To surround her with people who love her. Her father, the man who called her Stardust. His endearment saved the Rebellion. It may have saved the galaxy. If only he had saved her father. If they'd fixed the comms faster. If he had tried to extract Galen instead of assassinate him. If he'd disobeyed the order sooner. So many " _ifs_." So many " _almosts_."

 _Chirrut spoke to him in the shuttle before they reached the shield gate. "Your path lies with Jyn's." The blind man smiled, and Cassian was certain he'd seen into his very soul. "Follow Jyn, and you will find what you seek."_

 _"We will find the plans?" Cassian prefers to operate in absolutes. Orders are followed. Yes and no. Black and white. He wants to rid his life of the grey that has crept its way into the edges of his mind.  
_

 _"I am not talking about the plans, Captain." Chirrut patted Cassian's arm and moved too easily around the bodies on the ship for a man without sight. "I'm talking about the future."_

Cassian had almost scoffed at the Guardian at the time, but part of him wondered if he was right. Cassian had never considered his future, but Chirrut read him well - seemed to see right through him. _"I sense you carry yours with you wherever you go."_ He'd been right about that, of course, even if Cassian hadn't wanted to admit it at the time. He is feeling lighter these days, though. Less confined. Less haunted by his past and the things he'd done in the name of the Rebellion against the Galactic Empire. He can even almost think about a future now, something he's never wasted any time or energy doing. Some days he wondered if the blind monk had psychic abilities, but he figured Jyn would just tell him he should trust the Force. He'd have to ask her about the necklace some time, though perhaps not tonight. The conversation was already heavy enough for now.

"What do you want from me?" She breaks jarringly into his thoughts. Jyn has a way of cutting to the heart of the matter. Tearing away the flesh to get to the bone.

"I don't have an agenda, Jyn." Cassian silently curses the nameless people in her life who'd laid the grounds for her mistrust. It can't just be Saw, he reasons. "I enjoy your company." It's mostly true. He does enjoy being around her, but even Cassian can't lie to himself and make him believe that's his only motivation. He's grateful to his training tonight. Pleased at his own abilities to not reveal himself or his thoughts. His face does not betray him.

She seems to accept this, though, as she nods a few times and nibbles on a brightly colored pickled vegetable that came with their meals.

"Do you..." He begins, and hesitates for a moment while his throat constricts. He might not want to know the answer. Jyn wordlessly encourages him to continue, and he plods forward hastily. "Do you trust me?"

She seems genuinely surprised at his question, and narrows her eyes briefly in what appears to be confusion. "Of course."

He doesn't try to hide his smile from her this time. "Good."

* * *

Dinner was so uncommonly delicious that Cassian orders dessert. He considered another bowl of soup or a second entree altogether, but decides to try a slice of cake. He has always had something of a sweet tooth, and he encourages Jyn to order a piece as well.

"Or whatever you like." His head is tilted, trying to catch her eyes. Sometimes Cassian feels like he spends half his days trying to meet her gaze. She is in her element when she's arguing with him over anything that isn't personal. She is sure of herself in any sort of battle situation, and Cassian knows she is just as well trained as he is - possibly better trained. But Jyn is not confident with anything personal or unfamiliar. It took weeks for him to get her to talk to him during their shared meals in his quarters, and it seems they've made up only a little ground tonight.

She orders fruit, and does not touch the sweet sauce that comes on the side after dipping the tines of her fork into it for a taste. Cassian pushes his plate toward her and encourages her to try it. Just a taste. It's sickeningly sweet, and overwhelms her senses. Jyn has never become used to sweet foods. There wasn't money for such things when she lived on Lah'mu with her parents in their cozy cabin, and Saw never had such wasteful comestibles laying around. Fruit is her weakness, and she eats slowly, savoring each bite.

Coffee appears without Jyn having ordered it, and she frowns at Cassian as he pushes a mug her way. This isn't the stimcaf she's grown used to in the galley. This is actual coffee. Hot and bitter and soothing in all the best ways. Her eyes slide shut as she takes the first sip, and she misses Cassian's almost visceral reaction to her bliss.

They finish eating, and Cassian's eyes land on the packages of clothing. "Do you want your coat?" Night has fallen, and they are blasted by cold air each time a patron enters or exits the establishment.

"I'll be okay." She waves him off. There is no reason to make a mess here opening up the packages and rifling through to pull out a single item. It's a short walk back to the hotel. "We're not far."

He doesn't like it, but he concedes.

They're walking in silence a few moments later after he paid their bill. The air is bitingly cold, and Jyn's arms are crossed close to her chest to ward off the chill.

"Thank you." Her voice is clear in the quiet night.

"Hmm." Cassian glances over at her, lost in his own thoughts.

"For dinner." She's looking at the sky. "I think that's the best meal I've ever had."

"You're welcome." It doesn't begin to express what he wants to say, but it's simple and easy, so he sticks with that. He's grateful that her attention is on the stars, as it distracts her from his unabashed staring.

* * *

 _Author's Note: I get it. Chapter 11 was kind of boring. But it informs what's upcoming. Be patient. I'm having trouble with the dialogue in the next two chapters, but they're already written. I can't keep it from sounding stilted. Many edits are forthcoming._

 _Many, many thanks to Icbacteria, naiac, lindcita, Guest (Autumn), and Mademoiselle le Chat for their beautifully sweet reviews.  
_

 _Also, Jyn and Cassian tend to eat whatever I make my hubby for dinner. I think this may mean that I lack creativity. I did some research, and there is something akin to chopsticks in Star Wars, so voila. Eating sticks. I considered calling them hashi just to see if anyone noticed, but I've taken enough liberties with the canon and expanded universe already (mostly due to my ignorance). Please be kind._


	13. Chapter 13

Cassian watches Jyn as she gazes up at the stars, guiding her gently back toward the hotel with his hand nestled into the small of her lower back. The nerve endings in his fingertips are on fire with the sensation of her vertebrae beneath the rough fabric of his standard-issue shirt and the tank she must have on beneath it. After turning a corner, and he glimpses movement from the corner of his left eye, and tries to tell himself it's just paranoia. He's just lost in thought, lost in the way Jyn's lips turn up and her eyes sparkle reflected in the light of the stars. It's only years his years as a spy and soldier that are making him anxious. A furtive glance to his right tells him that Jyn saw something amiss as well. She's trying to look around without it being obvious. He drops his hand from her back and reaches for his blaster. He feels someone following them. Years of experience have honed this instinct of his to near perfection. Sometimes he worries that he's becoming paranoid, but Jyn confirms his suspicions when his eyes wander in her direction.

"Cassian." She motions with her chin over her right shoulder as she reaches near her hip before she remembers she has no weapon. No blaster. No truncheon. Not even a stick. She feels naked without a weapon. Despite her proficiency with hand to hand combat, Jyn admits to herself that she's likely outmanned here.

"I see it." They increase their pace and make two more left turns down narrow alleys before he realizes that they're surrounded. He's swearing, and Jyn can't understand a word he's saying, but the concern is unmistakable in any language.

"Well, well." A deep voice booms, and Cassian is aware of his own heart beating wildly beneath his ribs and tries to calm his breathing. "Lyra Rallik. Have you come to pay your debts at last?"

 _Kriff._

Cassian whirls around and tries to sweep his right arm to move Jyn behind him, but he finds that she is already two paces away from him. The move would have been futile anyway. They're surrounded in this alley. The package falls to the dust as he grips his blaster and swiftly removes it from the waist of his trousers, moving to stand closer to Jyn.

"I think you have me confused with someone else." She tilts her head to the side and feigns a confused facial expression with slim hopes that her bluff will work. She hopes Cassian won't call her on it here. If he's as good as he says he is, then he knows this alias is hers. It's an old one, and she hasn't used it in years. _He found Lianna,_ the voice in her head reminds her. _He's that good._

"Don't bother trying to lie to me." Another voice comes from behind them, and Cassian spins again to spot the body the voice belongs to, although it's nearly swallowed in darkness. There are no Stormtroopers here. These men are dressed shabbily in no discernible uniform. A motley assortment of species make up their ranks, and the group is heavily armed. _We're in trouble_ , he thinks to himself. He counts a dozen weapons pointed at them, and a glance at Jyn tells him that he's about to be in even bigger trouble. Her hands are in the air, and she's inching toward the speaker ever so slowly. Jyn is not fighting. She is surrendering, instead, to whatever group this is. This can't be happening. Cassian feels his heart rate increase at the sight.

"Easy, Haig." Her voice is even. Careful. Palms up in a placating gesture. "Calm down." She's given up the pretense that she doesn't know what's this is about.

"I will calm down when you have paid your debts. It's been three years, Lyra. I think we'll be charging you interest now." His accent is clipped and unusual, and Cassian can't place it. "I will shoot him." The Kiffar behind the man who Cassian ascertains to be the leader has the business end of a very large blaster pointed directly at Cassian's chest.

Jyn looks behind her at Cassian, and whispers forcefully "Put it down."

He hesitates only for a moment before slipping his blaster pistol back into the waistband of his trousers. His brain is running the options, considering scenarios, and he keeps coming up with no solution. He glances around again, and raises his hands above his head.

"You owe..." The leader begins, but Jyn cuts him off abruptly.

"I know what I owe." She's moving forward with a dismissive wave before Cassian can stop her. "You don't need him." She juts her chin over her shoulder. "Let him go, and I'll come with you."

"No." Cassian is moving forward, but four armed bodies step in front of him.

"You don't need him." She repeats. "He's no part of this. He's just a guy. A quick lay. He's nothing." Cassian doesn't miss the slight catch in her voice at the end. She's not a spy, but her lie is solid. He wishes she wasn't doing this, but his thoughts remain unvoiced.

"Why would I let him go?" Haig laughs at her as he steps closer, into what Cassian has deemed to be Jyn's personal space. "When I could have two bodies to pay off your debt?"

"The last time I saw you, Haig," Jyn begins, her tongue numb even while she tries to speak. "You were a man of honor. Why would you kidnap an innocent stranger just because he wanted a quick thrust? He owes you nothing. Have you changed so much since I saw you last?"

Anger and frustration burst behind Cassian's eyes; he sees actual red stars burst in his field of vision. She can't be doing this. Not now.

"Let him go." Jyn repeats, voice grave.

Haig seems to consider Jyn's words for a moment. "Fine, then." Rough hands shove Cassian angrily out of the back of the alley, and he stumbles on his recently injured leg.

"You come with us."

Cassian watches in silent horror as Jyn forms her hands into fists and places her wrists together in front of her. He feels his eyes slide closed in agony as he hears the manacles snap shut. Not again.

"Lyra!" He almost slips and calls her Jyn.

She speaks quickly to the leader, and then she's walking toward him, hands bound in front of her. He's seen her hands bound before, but he honestly never thought it would happen again. Not now. Not after everything they've survived. They infiltrated the Citadel Tower on Scarif and survived. How can it end like this on this meaningless piece of rock?

"Jyn." He's whispering in her ear. "Don't do this."

She just shakes her head at him sadly. "I'm sorry." She meets his eyes, and looks away just as quickly. "My chances are spent." A half-hearted shrug. "Go." She whispers harshly, leaning toward him, but pulling back before she can make any physical contact. "Do the thing. Finish it. Go." Sadness and something harsh flash across her face, and she's gone. Enveloped in men - and a few women, Cassian decides - weapons trained on her. He stands watching her disappear from his view before the training kicks in. He needs a plan. Another moment, a glance at the place where he last saw her, and he turns to leave, gathering the package of her clothes as he goes.

Cassian doesn't notice the pair of yellow eyes following his retreat.

* * *

They parade her in darkness for what feels like hours, but realistically Jyn figure it was only one. She's only dimly aware of the cold, and her wrists are aching. The manacles cut angrily into the flesh. Her head is throbbing, the near constant headaches are another lovely gift from Scarif that keeps on giving. She's prodded roughly with what she assumes to be the barrels of blasters and who knows what else jabbing into her ribs. Defeat and loneliness settle themselves in the pit of her stomach. She's felt this way before, on Wobani. In that tiny cell with Kennel and her death threats. It is unlikely that she can bribe someone out of this one. Cassian won't even know where to look, and she doesn't want him to. _Run, Cassian._ She repeats the mantra in her mind to calm her nerves. _Go. Get away from here._

Finally they stop marching, and Jyn tries to catch her breath through the musty bag shoved over her head. Why is it that these sorts of groups always have filthy bags on hand for just this purpose? Always a scratchy material, and always covered in sand, and dust, and mold, no matter the climate. She remembers a similar hike not too long ago. Shivering again in the cold of Jedha as they hiked through the sand, trying to pick out Cassian's footfalls. Wondering who Chirrut is and why he helped them. They'll be no escape this time, though. Neither Saw nor the Rebellion will be sending a team to extricate her. There will be no Cassian to come racing through the halls to pull her to safety. It was nice, though, while it lasted. It felt nice to have someone to depend on. Someone who cared about her. She'll remember him fondly, this first and last person who didn't let her down. Who didn't leave her. She'll miss him. It had to end eventually, she reasons. People like her don't get happy endings. The beach on Scarif would have been cheating. It would have been neat. Quick. Quiet. That was never how her life was going to end. It was always going to end like this. Messy and painful and slow. She knows what's in store for her.

Hours later, she is shoved roughly into a tiny cell, and she barely gets her cuffed hands out in front of her in time to not plant entirely on her face. Her palms and chin get the worst of it, and she's not sure that she didn't break her wrists in the process. Rolling over with a groan on the icy floor, she manages to push her way to standing before moving over to the slab to be used as a bunk. Sitting heavily on the unforgiving surface, she carefully extracts her crystal from beneath her shirt and eyes a body that's standing guard outside the cell. She should have known that crossing Zhvar Orleinn would come back to haunt her. Still, it had been three years. She never could have predicted this. He was halfway across the galaxy then. As bad as the situation looked, she took some small measure of consolation in the fact that Cassian walked away unharmed. The idea that she'd never see him again sting and tears prick at her eyelids, threatening to spill down her cheeks. He was her first real friend.

Her ribs and her back hurt. Throb, really. Too many blows with a staff or a blaster, and definitely a few too many few prods - some of those were charged. The muscles in her lower back are still spasming from the electricity that coursed through them. Her palms, wrists, and shoulders are throbbing, and her bottom lip is split. She touches it gently with the tips of her dirty fingers before thinking better of it and dropping her hands to her lap. The last thing she needs is an infection, although she doubts she'll live long enough for it to matter. She tries to inhale deeply to test the pain in her ribs. It stays at a dull ache, not a sharp, stabbing burn. Probably not broken. Just bruised. She's had worse. _I can survive this,_ she tells herself, even though she doesn't believe it.

Defeat sets in a bit later, and Jyn allows her body to slump down to lay on the cold surface of the cot. No reason to not get some rest while she can. The noises of the detention area keep her awake for a while, but eventually exhaustion takes hold and she sleeps. She dreams, actually. Dreams of her parents, happy and alive on Lah'mu. Jyn on her father's shoulders. Her mother teaching her about the wild flowers in the hills. Saw leaving her in the bunker. Cassian falling in the tower on Scarif. His arms holding her warm against him as they faced their imminent deaths as shew watched her father's weapon rise ominously above the horizon. Cassian's gentle fingers brushing her hair from her eyes in the infirmary while her body healed. His smile when she makes him laugh. His hand, protective and warm on her back, encircling her wrist. His eyes, wide with fear as she was dragged away from him. She wakes with a start, disoriented and wild, eyes darting around to gather her bearings. It's a cell, for sure, but not a nice one. Even her cell on Wobani was nicer than this. Larger. More comfortable. The grim irony of missing Wobani makes her throat catch, and she squeezes her eyes shut against the memories that threaten to overwhelm her. It's everything _after_ Wobani that she doesn't want to remember now.

* * *

Out of habit, Jyn plucks her pendant from inside her shirt and holds it tightly in her clenched fist. Eyes closed, she tries to remember how to trust the Force, but it feels farther away today. Maybe she's the one that's further away. She brings the smooth crystal to her lips and tries to remember the feel of her mother's arms around her. She stretches her memory to recall the warmth of her Papa's embrace.

"Where did you get that?" A deeply accented voice whispered into her cell later that day, and Jyn's head shoots up to meet the golden gaze of a Dresselian guard.

"None of your business." She retorts flatly and drops the pendant back into the confines of her shirt. Her body aches from her latest "interrogation." There's no point to this. She owes money, not information. They're hurting her for fun, but she's been through worse. There are no broken bones. No internal bleeding. This is not fatal.

"That's a kyber crystal." The man is leaning on the bars now, as if he can get close enough to see through the fabric of her shirt. Jyn had forgotten he was there in her musings.

She glares at him briefly, and then plops back down on the hard slab of shale. "It's just a stupid rock." She tries to shrug, but it's difficult lying supine. "It's nothing."

The man is silent for a long moment before he whispers again. "I've seen that necklace before. It belonged to Lyra Erso."

This shocks Jyn more than she lets on, and she manages to make no visible response, her face a stony mask. "If you say so."

Another few beats pass in silence, and then "Jyn, is that you?"

* * *

Back in the hotel, Cassian is still pacing the floor as the sun rises. The room is so small that he's actually getting a bit dizzy, and he sits heavily on the mattress, surveying the room. Jyn's bag is where she dropped it on her bed, and the bundle of her new clothes sits next to it. The sight of it makes his chest tighten uncomfortably and his stomach turn over. They were so close. Almost. He tastes bile on his tongue. Squeezing his eyes closed tightly, he forces himself to take three deep breathes, hoping the exercise will enable him to think. It doesn't work. All he can see is Jyn's face as she turned to say goodbye. _"My chances are spent. Go."_ He remembers the last time she'd used that particular phraseology. It must be something Saw taught her. Made her believe that her life is meaningless. That she doesn't matter. _"Go. Do the thing."_ He wonders how he ever did anything before this. Before he was lit aflame by her fire. By her. He hadn't even told her what the trip is, and she's sacrificing herself willingly so he can go finish it. _"Save the Rebellion. Save the dream."_ Cassian wretches, but his stomach yields nothing. It's been hours since he ate anything.

He's left soldiers behind before when the mission dictated it was a necessity. If they could be trusted and the information he was gathering was deemed more important than a single life. He's lost countless hours of sleep over it, too, looking for ways he could have saved them. Found them. Gone back for them. There are days he can't even look in the mirror, his mirror haunts him with the faces of the dead. So do his nightmares. So many lives lost. But Jyn. Jyn is different. He is different now. Everything is off kilter. Tilted. Spinning. He's off balance.

He has three options now, as he sees it. He can keep going. He can continue and carry on with the plan. Without Jyn. He can try to gather intel, find out who has her, and somehow come up with a plan. Or he can fall to pieces. The third option sounds the most enticing a the moment, to be honest, but Cassian chooses option number two. He's trained for this. He can do this.

She did save the Rebellion, damn it. She saved them all. She saved him in more ways than one, and now she trying to do it again. He has no intel about this gang, and he's not even sure which one it is. He wishes he had some way to contact Draven or Ober and get information on this group. Find a weakness. Figure out a way to infiltrate them and spring her loose or negotiate Jyn's release. This goes against everything he's ever been taught. He's risking it all to save one person.

A cafe might have access to the holonet, but bars and saloons are decent places to gather intelligence. He takes another shower to clear his mind, and heads out. It's late - or maybe it's early, but he might be able to find a loose-lipped, half drunk fellow that can tell him something useful about this rock and the gangs and criminal activity here. Cassian is met with nothing but dead ends in the first two bars he tries. Instead of intelligence, all he gathers is the beginnings of a wicked headache. He barely touches the drinks he purchased, but his blood pressure is elevated and he can feel the pounding of it in his ears. After three hours he gives up for the morning, and heads back to the hotel room.

Jyn's empty bed stands mocking him. Reminding him of his failures. He's not supposed to be like this. The loss of one man is not tragic in a war. But the loss of Jyn feels like a tragedy now. He kicks off his boots and tries unsuccessfully to sleep, hoping it will clear his head. He wakes with a start, reaching toward the other bed. It is still empty, and his heart sinks. Part of him had hoped that this was all a dream. Another nightmare would be welcome right now as opposed to this reality. He might have thought of something helpful. Not a solution, but a start. He tries a cafe first thing when it opens, and buys twenty minutes on the holocom.

He shuts the door to the private holoroom, and sits heavily on the padded bench.

"Cassian!" A jovial voice greets him as a familiar figure appears in dim blue light. "It is good to see you."

"Mabion, I need your help." His voice is grim, and it matches the facial expression. Cassian hates to ask, but he'd hate himself more if he didn't. Jyn is worth more to him than a blow to his ego.

"For you, my man, anything." Mabion is a good friend. A fellow Festian. A good man. He left the Rebellion a few years ago after a combat injury took his left leg just below the knee. He could have stayed on and driven a desk, but Mabion couldn't see himself tethered to an office when there was real work to be done. He does minor jobs here and there for the Alliance, still. Mostly it was transporting cargo or supplies, so he still had contacts. And even with the prosthesis, Cassian knows Mabion is as skilled a fighter as there exists on any world spinning.

They lapse into Festian, and Cassian explains his predicament. He's grateful that his friend ignores the way his voice wavers and catches as he tries to pull himself together.

"I'm just a few worlds over." Mabion assures him with a thoughtful nod. "I'll gather some men, and we'll be there by nightfall on Seregar."

"I appreciate your help." That is understating it mildly. "I can pay you a little-"

"You'll pay me nothing, Andor." Mabion assures him firmly. "You saved my life more than once. It's time I repay the favor."

There is no response to this, even though Cassian knows his friend is right. "I'll see you tonight."

They iron out the details of where to meet, and Cassian logs off before his time is up. That task out of the way, Cassian heads back to his hotel room to plan. He doesn't know exactly how many bodies Mabion will be able to round up, but he always had a way of inspiring soldiers when he was still with the Rebellion. It would be easier if he had some idea of exactly who they were up against. Maybe Mabion can shed some light on the situation. He lives in this region, he might have his finger on the pulse of the criminal underbelly of the area. It's a slim hope, but it's the only hope he has.

* * *

Cassian finally sleeps for a few hours, although it was anything but restful. He wakes with a start, and grabs a datapad from his bag, and starts to log on when a hesitant knock on the door has him rolling to the floor, hands on his blaster. He crouches beside the door, below the level of the window. Waiting. Three more knocks.

Cassian considers his options. He can open the door, and risk being shot. He can wait and do nothing, and see if the individual goes away. He can try to get a glimpse of the visitor, but chances are he's never seen him. He chooses option number three, and slowly moves the drapes aside enough to see a large Dresselian male with dark yellow eyes.

Three more knocks and a whisper. "Jyn sent me."

Three words have Cassian springing to his feet, blaster still firmly in his dominant hand. He opens the door a crack. "Who are you?" He demands quietly, foot bracing the door.

"A friend of Jyn's." The Dresselian whispers. "I'm here to help."

"How do you know that name?" Cassian's mind is reeling. The gang in the alley called her Lyra Rallik. How did this man know who she really is?

"I know you have questions, but we don't have a lot of time."

"I'm not opening this door until you answer me." Cassian does his best to sound menacing, but it seems to have no effect on this Dresselian.

"I have a message for you." The man begins, and looks nervously around, and closes his eyes to think for a moment. "Jyn said to tell you that Kaytoo would say to not trust me, but..." A pause here while he tries to get the words right. "But Chirrut would tell you that I'm a friend." It's not the whole truth. Jyn told him that Cassian would be gone by morning, but he likes to think he's a decent judge of character.

Cassian stands in stunned silence for a moment before moving away from the door, a silent invitation to come inside.

"Who are you?" He demands again, with more curiosity than venom this time.

"I'm a friend of Lyra Erso." He begins. "And I've known Jyn since she was a baby." Cassian looks skeptical, and the man continues. "I haven't seen her since she was probably three or four. She looks like her mom, you know. Not the eyes, but the face. Do you know her mother? Do you know Lyra?"

Cassian is taken aback by the question. "No." He answers shortly. It's not his place to tell this man about Jyn's past. She can tell him herself if she wants him to know. If he's for real. If this isn't a trap.

"Listen." The man still hasn't introduced himself. "We have to act together, but I can get her out of there. You have to be ready, though. Listen."

Cassian is listening.

* * *

 _A/N: I can't get the dialogue right, and no amount of rewriting has helped. So I'm admitting defeat. This chapter beat me. I SEE it how I want it, but I am uttelry incapable of translating this into words. Apologies. Really._

 _Thank you to lovely reviewers. You are so encouraging to me. Thank you to TortoisetheStoryteller, Maria de Sanctos, DirtWaterTomahawk, .D, 5dreamcatcher, xbecbebex, Moniecat, Autumn (Guest), engineerwenlock, lindcita, Mademoiselle le Chat, Icbateria, and Guest for taking the time to leave reviews (and not breathing angry fire)._

 _And when I can't find the information I need to give me the proper terms, yes, I'm making them up._

 _Also, I'm unabashedly stealing characters and events from the books by Alexander Freed and James Luceno._

 _I swear the next chapter is better._


	14. Chapter 14

_Author's Note: Two in one weekend. I'm on a roll. Chapter 14 contains oblique mentions of the existence of slightly more mature subject matters. Read at your own risk._

* * *

Cassian is nursing something not nearly strong enough to do the trick at the bar they agreed upon when a hand claps him on the back as a bar stool simultaneously is pulled out and occupied.

"Mabion." He greets his friend with a tight lipped smile, and motions to the bartender to bring another ale.

"Good to see you, too."

"I'm-"

"Ease up. I'm joking." Mabion always had more of a sense of humor than Cassian.

"I guess I don't feel much like laughing." It's true, if understating his current condition. He's barely holding it together, and that is not a position Cassian Andor is used to. He finds he can't quite push this down and ignore it. He is consumed by this loss.

"I know. We'll get your girl." The hand is more reassuring now, grasping his friend's shoulder. Mabion sounds sure of himself; sure of his friends, who are nowhere to be found.

Cassian doesn't even correct him on the terminology. Jyn isn't technically _his_ girl - or woman. She belongs to no one. They aren't...anything. Friends, yes, but nothing more. Not really. He may have missed his chance. Another _almost_.

"What have you found out?" There's foam on Mabion's mustache. In any other circumstance Cassian would give him a good ribbing for this, but not tonight.

Cassian finishes his ale in one gulp and tosses the bartender a few credits. "Come on."

* * *

The men move back to the hotel, and Mabion's friends slowly trickle in by the ones and twos. They stagger their arrival perfectly, as if they have intelligence experience. Or maybe his friend just gives very explicit instructions. There are seven new bodies pressed into the small hotel room, and all nine men tense for a moment when there is another knock at the door.

"It's Has." A quiet voice calls, and Cassian swings the door open. It's time to plan.

Has has the layout of the market and information about the number of men the gang usually has in place. The reality of what might happen if they fail feels like a punch in Cassian's gut. It's not a good location. Not for something like this. There are too many places for cover. Too many aisles and people. It is decided that Mabion will make the approach himself, with one additional man for backup. The gang has seen Cassian, and while the men share complexion and hair color, they could not be more different in appearance otherwise. Mabion is several centimeters taller than Cassian and outweighs him by a good twenty kilograms of solid, bulky muscle. The loss of the leg has not slowed him down very much.

Cassian will handle the credit transfers, and Mabion's trusted friend, Umed, will pilot the ship. Has will not be at the market, as it is not customary for him to be there on trading day. Instead he will be on the ship helping Cassian hack the financial computer system. The rest of the men will be milling around the market or positioned as snipers along the route back to the ship. Cassian doesn't like this plan. He doesn't trust the Dressellian, even if Jyn does. Still, he has no other options. He has no contacts here. No knowledge of this Zhvar Orleinn or what kind of negotiation he'd be open to. He'd prefer to be the one to spring Jyn from her cell, but he has no choice but follow the plan. He doesn't know the layout. He wouldn't be granted entry. There are too many variables, and Cassian can practically hear Kaytoo telling him all the ways that this won't work. But Kaytoo isn't here, and neither is Jyn. And that is why he's doing this. He remembers the sadness in her eyes as she told him to go. Finish the mission. Did she actually expect him to go? To just leave her here? Take off without her? Abandon her on this rock?

Yes, he realizes. She really did. Everyone else has, why would she think he would be any different? He's left men behind before when the mission required it. One life for the good of many. He's not that man anymore, though. He's not sure when this changed, but he could no more leave her behind than he could stop breathing. Perhaps it was on Eadu when he had Galen Erso lined in the cross hairs of his sniper rifle and refused to pull the trigger. Perhaps it was on Jedha when he'd dashed through Saw's garrison searching for Jyn after the Death Star fired. Was it earlier? During the firefight? Was it on the ship when Kaytoo pointed out she had a blaster, and he'd realized it was his? He can't recall the moment when Jyn Erso, this unpredictable bit of a woman, wrapped herself around his heart, but she did. It's happened. And he has no plans of extricating himself from her orbit.

* * *

Jyn's entire body is numb, but it's not from the cold or the physical pain. The pain isn't so bad, honestly. She's dealt with worse in her days. This is far from her first experience with captivity. The past few months play endlessly on repeat in her mind. She closes her eyes, and sees Cassian smiling at her. She sleeps, and sees him falling in the data tower. When she wakes the overwhelming sense of loneliness physically hurts. Jyn has never felt like this before. She's been abandoned. She's been left behind. She's been kicked out and cursed at. But she's never felt like this. It's more than loss. It's the loss of what she only dared to believe possible in the quietest, furthest recesses of her mind. It's the loss of something she never even dared to let herself want.

The training will save her, she thinks. Rely on your training. Saw began indoctrinating her only a few weeks after she arrived at his encampment. She barely saw anyone for the first few days. Saw dumped her in a small, dingy room with a mattress and a blanket. A square window near the ceiling let in a stream of light that always danced with dust. A teenage girl with bright blue hair and copper eyes brought her meals and showed her around the compound, pointing out where to avoid and which men were more dangerous than others. She carefully told Jyn who to elude when they'd been drinking, and who would share food with her. She taught her the secret ways out of the compound so Jyn could see the stars at night, and brought her an extra blanket when the chill sunk into her bones. Jyn can't remember her name after all these years, but she figures it doesn't matter. She died shortly after Jyn arrived in an ambush gone wrong. They'd struck the wrong group of Imperials, and the 'Troopers opened fire and killed nearly every one of them. Jyn remembers seeing the bodies the next day as she stood in the market looking for her first mark. No one even bothered to move them. There were no burials or ceremonies in the Partisans. Saw didn't believe in sentiment.

Saw told her later that he was deciding what to do with her those first few lonely days. He hadn't planned on raising a child. Lyra was supposed to come. Galen was supposed to come. Nothing went according to plan. So he found himself responsible for an eight year old girl who was prone to tears. Saw Gerrera did not handle crying well, and he reminded her frequently of his admonition on the ship. Within three weeks Jyn had a blaster in her hand, and Saw found her to be a proficient shot. She developed quite a good arm for throwing grenades, and never showed a pinch of fear when she trained in hand to hand combat with teenage boys twice her size. She learned to swallow her pain and ignore her tears. Push down the loneliness. Follow orders. Be a cog in Saw Gerrera's militant regime.

Saw was nothing like her Papa. Papa was warm and loving. He always had open, loving arms for her. Saw criticized her shortcomings and dressed her down for her mistakes. Cassian...

She tries not to think about Cassian, but she's curled into a ball, and her senses are enveloped in his scent wafting off of his shirt. She's never met anyone quite like him before. She was honest in the restaurant that night; she did think he hated her when they met. He'd seemed so arrogant in the war room, towering over her and picking apart the lies she told herself to survive. Kaytoo told her that Cassian didn't want to take her to Jedha, and she'd interpreted that - likely correctly - as mistrust. Then he'd stormed the catacombs to find her when Jedha was collapsing into dust. He didn't have to do that. She still doesn't quite understand why he did it. He had Bodhi, and he knew where to find her father, but he'd still come for her. He'd saved her. She'd spewn angry, hateful words at him after he'd rescued her from that platform on Eadu, but he still believed her. He still gathered men for them to lead on a suicide mission to Scarif to find the Death Star plans. He believed her. He believed _in_ her. Jyn tries not to dwell on how that fact makes her feel. It's pointless now; she'll never see him again. She can't thank him for trusting her, or even thank him for making her trust herself again. He was with her when she was certain she was going to meet her end, and she still recalls the warmth and strength of his embrace and the way she clung to him desperately. How is it possible that she survived the Death Star - twice - with Cassian? It doesn't seem fair that she met him, nearly died with him, and then actually became friends with this man, only to have it all fall apart like this?

 _Because life isn't fair, Jyn,_ she reminds herself. Saw hammered that fact into her eight year old brain. The galaxy isn't fair. No one cares if you lost your parents or your home or your life. It's a cruel world, and you just have to survive it. _Keep it together._

She misses Cassian, though, and it almost hurts. She can't fall asleep on his sofa, nerves calmed by the sound of his steady breathing, and stomach full of warm food that he made for her. She can't laugh and joke with him and trade stories of mishaps and misadventures from across the table in the messhall. He was her friend, and she will miss him. At least she has his shirt, she thinks. It's not warm, but it wraps around and comforts her like an embrace.

Jyn tears her thoughts away, and remembers the first man to walk away from her.

 _Papa_ , Jyn thinks to herself. _Why did you leave?_

 _"Whatever I do, I do it to protect you. Say you understand."_

All these years later, and Jyn still doesn't understand.

 _"I love you, Stardust."_ Those were better than his latest last words to her. _"I have so much to tell you." Tell me what, Papa? I miss you.  
_

Mama hadn't even said that. _"Trust the Force."_ She'd just hugged her and walked away to her inevitable death.

Jyn sleeps again, but fitfully. Voices from her past echoed in her mind.

 _"They have a child. Find it!"_

 _"Save the Rebellion."_

 _"You'll pay for this, frelling woman. You lousy piece of sithspit."_

 _"You owe me nothing."_

 _"What do you know about kyber crystals?"_

 _"Come, my child."_

 _"It's done. Let's go."_

 _"Are we not still friends?"_

 _"You're Galen's daughter?"_

 _"Your father would have been proud of you, Jyn."_

 _"The strongest stars have hearts of kyber."_

 _"I have so much to tell you."_

 _"I won't let you go hungry."_

 _"Climb!"_

 _"Get out. Little kriffing problem, you are."_

 _"Good luck, little sister."_

 _"Do you trust me?"_

 _"Welcome home."_

Jyn awakens rattled, and rolls over to face the dingy wall, stained with smoke from a long ago fire. She digs her fists into her eye sockets as the voices replay in her head. She hums to herself quietly to focus her nerves. The song is slow, and a little sad, and she can't recall where she heard it. They won't kill her, she reasons. She owes money, and they'll want it back. Zhvar will make her work for it somehow. She'll have to earn the money to pay him back. Manual labor isn't so bad, she knows from experience. She can dig or haul or mine. It'll be unpleasant, but she can do it. The other options are less savory, and she chooses to not dwell on them. She quietly hums another verse.

* * *

Two days later Mabion and Jarmo Daronu stroll into the marketplace, carefully making their way to the back. The whole area is busting with activity. It's trading day - an unofficial day each week that vendors have chosen to come and sell their wares at discounted prices. They pretend to glance over stocks of illegal weapons for trade and electronics ensuring that they spend enough time with each vendor for others to notice them. Finally, Jarmo checks his chrono and motions that it is time to move toward the back.

"Invitation only." A Gamorian with an unusual looking weapon blocks the men's path to the secret room behind the curtains.

Jarmo merely produces a data chip and hands it wordlessly to the guard as both men hold their breath. This is the first hurdle. If Has is legitimate, and actually interested in helping them, they'll find out now. Or the invitation will be a fake, and they'll both meet the sharp end of the guard's weapon. The chip slides into the reader with a click, and they wait endless seconds for the machine to chirp three times alerting the guard to their admittance.

"Move along." The guard steps aside and they push through the dusty curtain into a large, dimly lit space filled with heavily armed men and a variety of beings in shackles. Men, women, and children of more species than Mabion can identify are chained at the wrists and bolted to the ground. They're arranged by age and gender, Mabion notes, as he and Jarmo shuffle slowly around, feigning interest.

"Looking for something particular?" A smarmy voice calls from behind them. Mabion turns and smirks at the human with the overly pretentious mustache and greasy hair. "I can help you find what you're looking for. We have it all."

The smirk is getting harder to maintain, and Mabion is grateful - not for the first time - that he left intelligence work. This is the hard part. He's only here for one person. He'll have to leave the rest, and that will wear on his psyche for weeks.

"I'm thinking...something young. A girl." He fakes another expression, something he hopes approximates leering, but he's out of practice. "But not too young."

"Over here..." Mustachioed man guides them to the children. "We have all kinds. What's your pleasure?"

Jarmo looks like he might vomit, so Mabion turns their guide around to face the group of women, unable to meet the eyes of the sad children. "Too young for me." He pretends to glance around. "Maybe late teens? Early twenties? Needs to look like a woman, you know?"

"Over here." Mustache man directs them across the space and points out a young girl who can't be more than sixteen. "She's new."

"What about that one." Mabion tried to look bored as he pointed to the small girl in chains. His stomach churns. She looks better than he'd feared, physically. She is standing with no obvious broken bones. A few scrapes on her face, a busted lip, and a developing bruise under her right eye are the only injuries he can see. He'd anticipated worse. Her clothing may be hiding the rest of her injuries, though. The shirt was the one he'd anticipated. Cassian's shirt. Too large, and hanging off of her frame. How does she look even younger than the picture Cassian showed him on the datapad?

"That's one's new, too." The Kiffarian who appears to be standing guard sneers. "Expensive. Out of your price range."

Mabion motions to his backup, and the man moves to examine the girl. He stayed clear of her mouth on Cassian's advice. He wasn't sure she wouldn't try to bite them. She barely responded to the prodding.

"Seems healthy enough." Jarmo's voice sounded slimy even to his own ears.

"Price?" The reality of what he is actually doing disgusts Mabion Waydau. He is negotiating a price for a sentient being. He is buying a person. A slave. A few days of his own personal servant. He'd heard of this sort of thing happening before he was born on the border worlds and the Outer Rim, but the idea that it is still happening is positively revolting. He steels himself and maintains his mask of disinterest. Cassian was right to be concerned about the girl. _Jyn_ , he reminds himself. And she's an adult. A person. A hero. She's someone important to his friend.

"Fifty five hundred credits." The Kriffarian read the value off a pad. "Or twenty three thousand wupiupi."

"For how long?"

"Forty eight standard hours." The Kiffarnian leers and scoffs. "A bargain."

That gave them two full days to get off this kriffing rock and as far away as possible.

"Four thousand." Has warned him to not be too eager. Bargain. Haggle. Try to talk him down.

"Five." Mustache bargained back, glancing at the Kiffarian for approval.

"Four twenty five."

"Four seventy five."

They agree on four fifty, and Jarmo continues circling the girl as if inspecting for defects.

* * *

Cassian types in the four thousand five hundred credits, and waits to hear signal over the com link with his finger hovering over the the key to complete the transfer. This is risky, this entire enterprise could fall apart before it really even starts. He doesn't have any interest in using the money he has in savings to buy Jyn back if there's a decent chance that he can use their own money against them. He's not going to give those kriffing slavers the satisfaction of his hard-earned credits. Transferring Zvhar's own credits from one account into the payment account is a liability, but it's what those in his profession call an acceptable risk. Hopefully no one notices the transaction until Mabion, Jarmo, and Jyn were safe on the ship, and they'd all broken atmo. Plan B has too many holes to be truly effective. Cassian needed Plan A to work. It still all feels like it's falling apart before it gets started.

Only Cassian knows about Plan B, and truthfully, it only involves him storming the catacombs with as many blasters as he can carry. It's unlikely to be successful, and Kaytoo's circuits would probably fry just processing the stupidity of it. Cassian doesn't really care, though. He's never felt quite so desperate.

* * *

"That should do." Mabion is nodding. "Credit transfer okay? That one will be fine." He eyes the Gamorean standing off to the side. Two droids, likely for security. Four more guards stand behind them, and a room full of witnesses. He reviews Cassian's advice.

 _"She'll fight when you uncuff her." He'd smiled then. A real smile. Mabion couldn't remember ever seeing his younger friend look like that. "You'll have to tell her who you are before you remove them." He relays the story Melshi and Kaytoo told him of her extraction from Wobani.  
_

 _It's unlikely they can walk up to her and say, "Hello. We're friends with Cassian Andor, and we're breaking you out. Don't try to kill us."_

 _"And if that doesn't work?" If she could take down three Special Forces operatives with nothing but feet, fists, and a shovel, he didn't have much hope for subduing her alone without causing a scene._

 _"You'll need to tell her something she'll recognize."_

 _"Like what?"_

 _Cassian sat down heavily and dropped his head to his hands. What could Mabion say that Jyn would immediately recognize as a message from Cassian?_

 _"Tell her welcome home." He finally realized. "Or that trust goes both ways." He might need something more. If she's injured she might not immediately grasp what Mabion is trying to tell her._

 _ _He finally realizes. It's so simple._ "Call her Stardust. She'll know it's me." The nickname saved them once before. He hopes she'd still have the presence of mind to understand that it can save her. It can save them both again. _

* * *

Jyn is nearly hopeless, but only just. She'll have a chance, she thinks, if someone decides she's what they're looking for today. She can get away from an unsuspecting target that makes the mistake of spending their credits on a few hours with her. She stands quietly, hands still bound too tightly, and eyes downcast. If she makes herself look unassuming, then her chances are better. Don't look like you'll put up a fight. Just go along quietly until the moment is right, and then pounce. Be patient. Like Saw taught her. The short man prodding her is gentler than she'd expected. A ruse? Maybe. The taller one with the beard seems familiar. There's something about him she thinks she recognizes. Mannerisms, perhaps? She stands still, observing, and focuses on not flinching.

The Dressellian from a few days ago never returned, not that she expected him to. She told him that Cassian would be gone. He won't stick around when there's work to be done. Not for a criminal. Not for her. She's grateful that she didn't actually expect Has to be successful; she never believed it would work. At least she's not disappointed, she thinks wryly. She's finally learned to not expect anything from anyone.

* * *

Mabion types the scammed account information into the machine, and clicks "transfer." Now he can only wait and hope that Cassian and Has know what they're doing. He's not entirely sure that he trusts the Dressellian, but Cassian seems to. He's a good judge of character, so hopefully his senses aren't dulled by the current predicament of the girl he swears he's not in love with. He's known Cassian since the kid was seventeen, and he'd be willing to bet all the credits in his actual accounts that he has very deep feelings for this girl. He'd never risk this much and ask for help if she was just an asset or a fellow soldier. They've both walked away and left men and women in worse situations than this one when the risk of extraction was too high. There are too many parts of this situation that don't add up, but Mabion trusts his friend. If Cassian needs help, then he'll gladly offer it, even if the kid is lying to himself. Still, the men need to sit down when this is all over and have a real talk.

The Kiffarian nods to Mustache Man as the transaction is accepted, and Mabion jerks his chin at Jarmo as the signal. To an outsider, Jarmo doesn't hesitate. Mabion can see the equivocation in his steps, though. Jyn is the only wildcard now. Has told them that he hadn't informed her of the plans. He's been unable to get close to her again.

Jarmo pulls a rope out of a pocket in his coat. He's going to take precautions, and make his own restraints before he removes the manacles. It wasn't part of the plan, but Mabion understands the precaution. He has no interest in finding out first hand if what Cassian Andor said about her is true.

"My friend will want to tell you welcome home when we get back, Stardust." Jarmo whispers, lips barely moving, as he wraps the rope around Jyn's already bound wrists. He sees her forehead wrinkle at his words, then a mask of rage quickly replaces it. She holds her tongue and does not resist when the guard removes the manacles. Jarmo sees the raw, bloody skin of her wrists and regrets the rope, but it's too late now.

Mabion grabs her by the upper arm and manhandles her outside while Jarmo tails close behind them. He lifts her onto the speeder bike, and moves to sit behind her.

"Okay." He flips on the power. "Let's get you out of here." He feels Jyn tense at his words, and her head turns slightly to the right, but he takes off away from the market without asking or answering any questions.

Jarmo follows close behind them, trying to not glance behind him. They pull to a stop at the prearranged location, well out of the view of the marketplace. Mabion speaks softly into Jyn's ear. "Trust goes both ways, okay?" He pauses to let that sink in. "If I remove the ropes, are you going to punch me?"

"Who are you?" Her voice holds interest, but no furor. Mabion is already untying the knots and slipping the restraints off carefully.

"A friend." He replies simply. "We're getting you out of there." He slides back somewhat on the seat. "I need you to sit behind me the rest of the way." He slides off the seat and climbs back on after Jyn pushes her way to the back. "Hold on." He nods at Jarmo again, and they're off toward his ship and one very anxious Cassian Andor.

Jyn's head is swimming and she feels dizzy. She thought she heard the shorter one say someone wanted to welcome her home back at the market, but she'd ignored it. She chocked it up to some sort of nasty kink she wasn't going to enjoy. But he'd called her Stardust, and only one living person in this galaxy would know what that name meant to her. She'd told Cassian to go. She told him to _leave_. Finish the mission. Get out of here, away from all this. Far away from the havoc she'll wreak on his carefully ordered life. So then, who are these men? She's never seen them around Echo Base, although she hardly can say she's met or seen every soldier in the Rebel Alliance. The larger one parroted her snarky words back to her. _Trust goes both ways_. It might be a code. It could be from Cassian. Did he actually come for her? Again? She doesn't quite believe it.

* * *

 _A/N: I hope you are having lovely weekends. Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words regarding chapter 13. I keep rereading it, and I'm still not happy (I've updated it a few times since posting, too, because I only find the truly egregious mistakes after I hit "upload."). This chapter and the next were fun to write. In my research for a suitable next planetary location, I discovered that Seregar is actually a hot, humid jungle planet. So, I screwed that up. Apologies. Thanks for not burning me at the stake. I couldn't find a planet that I liked for the next location, so I'm making one up. I understand if you have torches and stakes for me, but I'd take it as a kindness if you restrained.  
_

 _Additionally, I can find no information regarding currency conversions in this universe. I had to guess. I literally pulled numbers out of thin air. Willfully suspend disbelief with me, please. Thank you.  
_

 _Many thanks and shout-outs to my wonderful commenters, who honestly make the risk of posting anything online totally worth it. I'm very fortunate to have such a supportive group. Annalay (thank you for reading and reviewing as you went. It truly means a lot to me), engineerwenlock, .D, lindcita, Texaspeach, Guest, Maria de Sanctos, xbecbebex, Moniecat, and Mademoiselle le Chat: thank you all so very much! I'm sending each of you appreciative cyber hugs. And cyber chocolate (assuming you're not allergic). ~~Pisaster_


	15. Chapter 15

Regardless of the identity of her supposed extraction team, Jyn holds on as they race towards...something. She isn't completely sure that she will be able to manage escaping from the larger one if they do have nefarious intentions, but he hasn't injured her so far. Neither one tried anything with her at all. The shorter man, who circled her in the market made a show of poking and prodding her, but he'd actually barely touched her at all. The taller one, in front of her on the speeder, settled her on the seat in front of him, and kept one hand around her waist until they stopped and changed places. Even before they switched, his hand was only secure around her - never straying from her waistline. Now, with Jyn settled snugly behind him, he keeps checking her grip around _his_ waist. One hand periodically reaches down to pull her arms more tightly around him, patting the back of her hand as if to reassure her - to comfort her. Nothing about this adds up, and Jyn spends the rest of the journey trying to formulate a plan for her liberation. They cruise right into the loading bay of a ship, and have barely stopped when Jyn feels herself being lifted into the air. Her face is quickly buried in blue fabric as she inhales a familiar, soothing scent. Cassian. She's dangling from his grasp, feet off the ground, held tightly against his chest. It's the most comforting feeling she can possibly imagine.

"Don't ever do that again." She hears his low voice in her ear. His arms are a little too tight around her bruised ribs and sore back, and she can't hide the gasp of pain even though she tries to.

Cassian sets her on her feet immediately, face full of concern. "You're injured." Has told him that she'd likely need medical facilities when they got her back. He's stacked the medkits from his bags and whatever Mabion had on hand on the cots in what they're calling berthing. Mabion moves to the cockpit to help Umed get the ship off the ground as Has and Cassian hover over Jyn. The rest of the men watch curiously from the back of the bay.

"I'm okay." She grips Cassian's arms to steady herself, but his arms move back around her, pressing her into his coat, smoothing her hair back, rubbing up and down her spine.

"I mean it, Jyn." Cassian's voice is muffled by her hair. "Never again."

"It was the right call." She murmurs through the layers of his coat.

Cassian's hands grasp her upper arms and push her away from him. "No." He's bending down to her eye level, furious at her accusation. "It was not. Trading my life for yours is not the right call."

"You could have just gone." Jyn volleys back. "I told you to go. You should have finished the job."

"And leave you here?" Cassian is fairly spitting with rage, and he hears his voice raising.

"Yes." Jyn shouts right back at him. "Leave me here. And do your job. This wasn't your business."

"Not my business?" Cassian snaps back angrily.

"No!" They're yelling now, and Mabion's men are slinking back and trying to find places to hide. "I crossed Zhvar Orleinn. There was no reason to involve you in my life."

"Dammit, Jyn!" Cassian takes a step toward her. They're so close now that they're nearly touching again. He wonders if she'll punch him. "I am involved in your life!"

"Look." Jyn begins, eyes flashing and teeth bared. "I crossed him. Me. I sneaked off world and never paid him back. Not you. Me. This didn't have to be a complete loss. There was no reason to risk your life because of my mistakes. You have a job to do. I'm sorry I wasted your time, but it was the right call, and you know it! You would have done the same thing." She backs away from him, and Cassian physically feels the absence. "I didn't ask you to come in and save me. You could have just..."

"What?" Cassian interrupts, forcing his voice down a few decibels. "Left you there to be sold or killed or...or..." He can't even finish his own sentence.

"Yes." Jyn's teeth are grinding together. He can see her masseter muscles working. "Your job here is more valuable than mine. You have a mission to complete, some directive to achieve. There was no reason for you to..."

"Jyn..."

"There was no reason for you to put your job on hold for me." She finishes, ignoring his attempts at interruption. Neither one see Has Obitt move closer to them, uncertain, but concerned.

"No. You're wrong." Cassian is close in front of her again, hands on her shoulders, shaking her gently as he interrupts her. "I didn't leave you on Jedha. I didn't leave you on Eadu or Scarif. I'm not going to start leaving you behind now. So don't ask me to." His voice is low and quiet, and Jyn goes silent and still as she digests his words. She has no comeback for that; no snarky reply. She just stands staring at him, forehead wrinkled and lips pursed. For a moment, Cassian wonders if she's going to cry, but she does not. What does do surprises him even more as she launches herself into him again, arms tight around his torso. He only hesitates a moment before gathering her against him. It isn't until later that he realizes the fatal mistake he made as he pressed his lips against her hair.

Jyn draws in a shaky breath as she feels Cassian's lips press against her head. His arms are warm and comforting around her. Safe. She honestly never expected to feel this again in her lifetime.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Cassian only releases one arm, and guides her toward the back of the freighter where he's set out medical supplies.

"I'm fine." Of course she is. Stubborn to the last.

"Just..." Cassian should have expected her to put up a fight. "Please? For me? Don't fight me on this." He's so tired of fighting, but that frustration is mixed with relief, and he's more awake than he's felt in years.

She just nods and he pushes her gently by the shoulder to sit on the edge of a bunk.

"There's no real shower." Cassian busies himself pouring water from canteens into a basin and gathering gauze and gel. "So this will have to do for now."

He starts with her wrists, gently pouring water over them and dabbing at the dried blood. He whispers apologies when she winces, and turns her wrists over so tenderly Jyn thinks her chest might explode. Her parents were probably the last people to be so gentle with her, she thinks as she watches him. He's intent on the raw skin of her wrists, dabbing them dry and spreading bacta gel over them carefully. His cautious fingertips barely graze her skin as he covers the circumference of both wrists with healing gel. The throbbing is lessening now, as he wraps her wounds with gauze. Her palms get the same treatment, and he turns his attention to her chin now, still scraped and angry from her fall.

"How did this happen?" He murmurs quietly as he moves the basin of water from the bed onto her lap to catch any spills.

"Fell." She retorts shortly. "Caught myself with my hands and my face."

His gaze is back on her hands now, and he drops the cloth into the basin and grabs one of her hands. He's injured his own hands often enough to know what kind of injury a fall can cause.

"Does it hurt here?" Callused fingertips probe the bones in her hands. "Here?"

She answers no on both accounts, and he's satisfied with her honesty. He moves his attention back to her chin, and finishes up after giving it a thorough cleaning and smearing on a thin layer of gel.

He cleans her split lip, and cracks open an instant ice pack to hold to her bruised eye.

"Here." He offers her the cold pack, and reaches behind him to rifle through a bag that looks like his own. He wraps a thin shirt around the ice, and then holds it gently to her eye.

"Where else are you hurt?" His eyes implore her to be honest, but he's not hopeful.

"I'm fine." She insists stubbornly. "Just a few bruises. Nothing broken."

"Let me see."

Jyn crosses her unoccupied arm across her midsection, subconsciously protecting herself.

"Jyn." It's almost a whisper. "Let me see."

It's his eyes that convince her to accept his assistance. They're soft and probing, and Jyn wishes she didn't trust them as much as she does. She uncrosses her arm, and turns her back to him. He helps her lift the bottom of her shirt - his shirt - and he winces at the bruises.

"It probably looks worse than it actually is." She hears his sharp intake of breath. His fingertips trace the outlines of the largest bruise. It's not that big, honestly, probably only six centimeters across or so. It might be the shape of a boot, he thinks. Bastards kicked her while she was on the ground from the shape of the bruise.

"I need to check your ribs." He hates to do this. If anything is broken this will hurt like hell. She just nods, and he probes each bone individually, tracing each one's path from her side back to her spine. He murmurs apologies when she winces, feeling lightheaded. He pushes her hair aside and examines the back of her neck for bruising or injury. Her customary bun is long gone, but he finds nothing concerning. "I don't think anything's broken back here."

"I told you." Her response is predictably cheeky. "But I think I ruined your shirt." She glances down at the singed top with bloodstains scattered across the front.

"I don't care about the shirt." He helps her turn around and lay back so he can look at her abdomen, easing her top up just enough to see the bottom of her ribs and her stomach.

The bruising on her front is less impressive than the back, and Cassian breaths a sigh of relief. He cleans a few scrapes and covers those with gel before smoothing her shirts back down.

"Do you want something for the pain?" She looks like she's almost asleep, but the meds might allow her to rest more easily.

"No." She shakes her head and opens her eyes. "I'm okay." Her head is throbbing again, but she doesn't like the way it makes her head fuzzy.

"Jyn..." He really doesn't want to ask this question, but he needs to know. "Did he...did anyone...did anyone _hurt_ you?" He can't even say the words.

"No." Blessedly, she understands his meaning and his discomfort. Her eyes are steady as they hold his, even as she blinks long and heavy as exhaustion overtakes the adrenaline. "I'm fine. Really."

Cassian breaths a silent prayer of thanks at her response. Jyn's bag and bundle of new clothes is sitting on the cot across from her, and he motions to it. "Do you want to change clothes? I can step out..."

"No." She wants to shower first before she puts on anything new. Jyn tries to think back and remember the last time she owned anything that was brand new. She doesn't want to ruin these with blood and bacta. She stifles a yawn, and tries to look awake as the adrenaline leaves her system and the lack of sleep catches up with her.

"Are you hungry? I can heat up something." He grabs some of the options from his open satchel. "I have soup. Instabread. Protein bars. Here's some sort of noodle dish..." She's yawning again and shaking her head, and he trails off.

"Why don't you rest?" He's dropped the dehydrated food, and is already covering her with a blanket and fluffing a thin pillow to support her neck.

She just mumbles something incoherently as he lifts her head and stuffs the pillow beneath it.

"Cassian..." She doesn't get the rest of it out, whatever she was trying to say.

"I'll be right here." He whispers as he settles himself on the ground beside the cot, back against the wall. "I'm not leaving you." His right hand idly brushes her hair from her forehead as he closes his eyes in relief. Has told him to expect her to be in much worse shape physically. A few bruises and some scrapes are nothing. No broken bones that he can tell. She's mostly in one piece. Has told him to prepare a way to get her to bacta tanks. A little gel and a few days time, and she'll be as good as new from what he can tell. She was lucky, he thinks. _They_ were lucky. It could have been so much worse.

He saw the scoring on her skin from the charged prods, and the distinctive round bruises from blaster barrels. His stomach clenches when he remembers the larger bruise on her back, but even that could have been worse. It's too low to have injured her kidney, and it missed her spine completely. It could be a boot, but she also could have fallen backward on something. He wonders if she'll tell him if he asks, but he doesn't want to make her relive whatever it is that happened to her. He never should have put down his blaster. He never should have let them take her.

Jyn wakes sometime later a bit disoriented, but Cassian is the first thing she sees. He's wedged himself in the corner between the cot and the wall, his neck bent at an awkward angle that he'll regret later. Her eyes slip closed as she remembers the last few hours. The men at the market. The speeder. The small sliver of hope that Cassian did send them. Cassian pulling her off the speeder and holding her to him. Screaming at him in the cargo bay of the freighter. She shouldn't have yelled at him, she thinks. Not at Cassian. He didn't deserve that. She needs to apologize. She rneeds to thank him when he wakes. She needs to thank his friends, too. Nothing on this ship looks issued by the Rebellion, so she's not sure where he came up with a group of men to come extract her.

Cassian makes a noise in his sleep, and Jyn stills and watches him. His brow is furrowed, and he's reaching for her with his right hand. Jyn grabs his hand with her left, and tugs the blanket off the bed. She settles herself beside him on the floor and uses her left hand to cover them both with the blanket. She tucks her body into his left side, still gripping his hand.

* * *

"Cassian."

"Cassian."

Cassian opened his eyes to see his old friend hovering in front of him.

"There are cots you know?" Mabion gestures around at the room full of empty racks. Cassian's gaze follows his friends and lands on the empty bunk where Jyn had been when he last saw her.

"Jyn!" He tries to get up, but Mabion's firm hand on his chest forces him to stay in place.

"Look." Mabion gestures to Cassian's left, and he looks down. He sees the mess of unmistakable brown hair on his shoulder and lets out a long sigh.

That explains the blanket, he thinks. What isn't explained is why she's on the floor with him. He's not upset about it, just curious. He eases his arm around her and draws her body closer to his.

"Cassian?"

"Yeah?" He's distracted by the woman curled against his side.

"Do you need that hospital?" They'd discussed the possibility that Jyn would require extensive medical attention after the ordeal. Has was clear that Orleinn's gang was violent, and his anger with Jyn giving him the slip all those years ago had only intensified his tendency toward physical harm.

"No." He whispers back, smoothing her hair away from her face again. Jyn's hair always seems to be in her face. "No. She's okay."

"Good." Mabion _is_ glad. "Okay. We'll head on to Giless, then. Just a few hours." His freighter had hyperspace capabilities, unlike the rest of Cassian and Jyn's recent transports.

"Okay. Thanks." Cassian whispers back, settling his cheek onto the top of Jyn's head.

"Try a cot." Mabion smiles as he pats his Cassian's knee, smiling down at his friend curled up on the floor with the woman they'd just rescued. "Cassian?" He paused.

"Yeah?"

"You look happy."

Cassian doesn't respond, he just smiles softly as he looks at Jyn and tightens his arm around her. After Mabion leaves them alone, he tucks the blanket around Jyn more closely. This floor is frigid in space, and it has to be sapping what little body heat she produces right out of her. He is hesitant to move her, though. His back isn't what it used to be, and even though she's small, the angle needed to pick her up from the floor is likely just right wrench his spine and leave him in spasms. He has almost decided to wake her up and help her move when the ship abruptly lurches and lists.

Jyn lets out a strangled gasp and clutches at the arm Cassian has wrapped around her.

"It's okay." He murmurs comfortingly.

"What happened?" She hasn't tried to move away from him.

"I'm not sure." He shrugs. "Maybe something with the hyperdrive?" It feels like they abruptly reverted to realspace.

Jyn is silent a moment before she opens her mouth to speak. Mabion chooses that moment to burst back into the crew quarters.

"Cass, a little help out here?"

Jyn is on her feet before Cassian can respond, and Mabion watches as she turns and helps Cassian carefully rise as well. He smirks at his friend as Cassian edges his way past him out the door, following Jyn.

"What happened?" He asks no one in particular.

Umed answers, and Jarmo sticks his head under the control panel in the passageway. "Navicomputer died. We defaulted to realspace."

"It's not the power cable." Jarmo calls, voice muffled in the back of the panels. "I replaced that last month, and it looks good from here."

"Does this happen a lot?" Cassian elbows Mabion in the ribs.

"It's a flaw in the power regulator with these older model YZ-2500s." Umed responds instead of Mabion. "The power flux fries the transistors and the cables." He's climbing up the console now, balancing on the top as he leans behind it to check something.

"Found it!" He calls to Mabion. "It's the processor register unit. It's fried. And it fried the naviprocessor board when it shorted. I'll need to rewire and solder the whole thing back together."

"I can fix that." Jyn is climbing up the side of the console before Cassian can stop her. He takes two steps forward with arms outstretched to catch her if she falls, but she easily makes it to the top and hooks a leg over one side as she hangs behind the bus unit to assess the damage.

Mabion and Cassian only hear the muffled voices of their colleagues as they hang mostly upside down and discuss the best way to replace or repair the processors. Jyn's head pops up above the panel.

"Hand me that tool kit, will you?" She asks no one in particular, but Mabion reacts first, and holds the box open so she can sort through and find what she needs.

"Thanks." Jyn's head and torso disappear back behind the top of the panel again. Only one leg is visible from the knee down, clamped against the outside of the panel.

Cassian hears some banging and metallic clanks, and then a pop. "Everyone okay?" He asks, knowing Jyn won't appreciate it if his concern is only voiced for her.

"We're good." Her voice calls from behind the equipment.

In a moment both Jyn and Umed are climbing back down off of the bus. Umed climbs gracefully with the ease of a man who is no stranger to hauling himself up or down sharp edifices. Jyn, on the other hand, jumps to the ground, landing gracefully and successfully scaring Cassian half to death. Her hands are full of whatever she just removed from the computer, and she and Umed hustle to the back of the ship to fix the boards.

"She's a hell of a woman." Mabion observes, impressed.

"You have no idea." Cassian drawls as he watches her disappear down the passageway, a shadow of a smile on his lips.

Cassian doesn't go to the back to watch Jyn work, choosing move to the bridge instead to help Mabion, Jarmo, and Suva try to ascertain exactly where in space they are located. The task is pointless without the computer, though. They are too far from any identifiable planet to help make any determination as to position by landmark. No one wants to point out verbally that they are likely in the heart of Hutt space, but all the men are thinking it.

Mabion graciously waits until he and Cassian are alone to start probing him with questions.

"How long have you two been...you know...together?"

Cassian's eyebrows raise, and he regards his friend briefly before turning his attention back to the stars. "We're not."

"What do you mean, "you're not?"

"We're not together." Cassian clarifies. "We're...friends."

"Friends?" Cassian just nods. "Andor, I've known you a long time. You've never been friends with anyone quite like this before."

Cassian responds with a deep breath and nothing more.

"So are you kidding yourself or is she?" Cassian just looks at him from the corner of his eye. "Both?"

He rubs a hand over his face before he tries to answer. "I don't know." It's the most honest thing he's allowed himself to say on the subject.

"When we get back," Mabion intones as Jyn and Umed hurry back with the newly repaired equipment. "We're going to get a drink and talk about this."

Cassian just leans against the bulkhead and watches as Jyn scales the panels again. "Won't that be fun?"

"You could learn a thing or two from me, Cass." Mabion hands Jyn the tools she'll need once she's at the top of the bus.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Cassian, toss me your chrono." Jyn's head pops up above the panel after her request, one hand held out. He removes the timepiece and tosses it to her without question.

"I'm an old married man now, you know?" Mabion murmurs quietly as he watches the chrono arc into Jyn's outstretched hand.

"You're married?" Cassian's eyebrows raise in surprise.

"Almost a year and half." Mabion grins at his friend.

Cassian waits until he hears Jyn and Umed cursing again to ask. "Do you want me to time for you?" He knows she has to connect the relays in order, program the directional codes, and wait fifteen seconds between them.

"Sure." His chrono is airborne almost before he can respond.

He catches it easily and sets it to time. "Fifteen seconds. Let me know."

"Go!" Umed calls to him, and he hears Jyn swear in Huttese.

Mabion takes a seat on a bench and props his feet up, amused by the entire exchange, and just watches. In three minutes time, he hears a few expletives he'd rather not repeat in polite company, and the computer powers back on.

"That should do it." Umed is climbing back down, tools held in his pockets and right hand.

Jyn finishes snapping the back of the panel in place and appears at the top of the bus unit. Cassian is ready this time.

"Come here." He holds out his hands to help her down.

"I can jump." She's rearranging tools into her various pockets to free her hands.

"Just." He chuckles at her. "Let me help you down, stubborn woman." He's smiling and shaking his head. She can be difficult.

"Fine." She reaches down and grips Cassian's shoulders as he supports the weight of her torso with his hands around her rib cage. It's only a slightly more controlled fall than when she jumped down previously, but the tingle of electricity she feels when he sets her on her feet makes her shiver. "Thanks."

"We have navigation." Jarmo is plotting a new course to get them out of Hutt space, and Jyn moves away from Cassian as he moves toward bridge.

* * *

The rest of the trip to Giless is uneventful, and Cassian takes advantage of the down time to convince Jyn to eat something. She's buzzing with energy now, keyed up, and unlikely to sleep again for a few hours at least. The rest of Mabion's crew make themselves scarce as the two sit down to their rehydrated meals.

Jyn remains silent while she watches him add water and procure utensils. "Thanks." She takes the proffered container and watches him sit heavily on the poorly padded bench next to her. He takes a sip of broth and heaves a deep sigh.

"Cassian?" She ventures tentatively. It's not going to get any easier if she waits longer, so she might as well jump right in and do it.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He leans his head back against the bulkhead, and turns to face her. She watches the emotions wash across his features as he blinks rapidly. He's shaking his head when he finally responds. "For what?"

He's not going to make this easy for her. That figures. "For..." She gulps uncomfortably. "Coming to get me." His gaze is too intense, but she can't bring herself to look away. "For...not leaving me behind." No one has ever come back for her before Cassian, and he's making it something of a habit.

Cassian transfers his cup to his left hand and reaches for the hand she has gripping the seat cushion between them. "Never."

She doesn't respond to that, and drops her eyes to her dinner. She's not designed for this - this dealing with emotions. Nothing Saw ever taught her prepared her for Cassian Andor.

"I'm sorry." She finally offers. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. I wasn't...I'm not mad. I'm grateful." She's stammering, and it shames her. "I'm sorry." She finishes lamely.

He's quiet for a few moments as he considers his response. "Jyn." He finally offers. "I didn't mean to yell, either. But apology accepted." He's usually better at keeping his emotions under wraps, and he knows it speaks to his state of mind that he'd allowed himself to explode like that.

They're enveloped in awkward silence for a few minutes while they finish their respective dinners.

"Who are they?" Her curiosity is burning.

"Mabion and his crew?" He quirks an eyebrow up.

"Yeah." She hadn't known his name, actually, but she surmises that he's the tall one who put her on the speeder.

"Mabion's an old friend." Cassian takes her container and shucks them both in the trash chute. "He worked in intelligence with me until a few years ago."

"Lost a leg?"

He doesn't contain his surprise at all at this observation. Jyn thinks she sees more than surprise, though. Is it pride? "Yes." He's smiling widely at her.

"He favors it." She explains. "Just a little." She noticed back at the market when he and the shorter friend were milling around.

"I called him." Cassian is next to her again on the bench. "He has a shipping enterprise. The others are friends or employees."

"You don't know them?" She's genuinely surprised at this.

"Before this, no." If he hadn't trusted Mabion implicitly, he never would have been able to entrust Jyn's safe return with them.

"He just grabbed six men because you called and asked?" Her green eyes are wide with surprise. This never would have happened in the Partisans. She's never had friends like this. She's never had friends. Not really. A few allies of convenience or circumstance, but never friends.

"Yes." Cassian shrugs, a small smile forming as he looks at her.

"I need to thank them." She observes, and Cassian grins at her again.

"I think the two of us not screaming at each other for the rest of the trip will be thanks enough for most of them." He may have been focused on Jyn during their argument, but he didn't miss the uncomfortable looks and rapid egress of the crew.

Silence descends upon them once more, and neither can think of anything to say. Finally, he can stand it no longer.

"I'm not Saw, Jyn." He reaches for her hand. "I'm not leaving you behind."

She looks pained at the mention of her former mentor, but she smiles weakly at him. "I know."

"Do you?"

Rather than answer him, she slides over next to him until their bodies are touching again and leans her head against his shoulder. Cassian draws his arm around her again and reclines against the wall. Maybe she does.

* * *

 _A/N: This got long. I'm not sorry._

 _Thank you to all of the lovely people who commented (that is everyone who commented). I truly appreciate your kind words more than I can say. Thank you._

 _A special thanks to engineerwenlock, Guest, Ellamena, xbecbebex, Dreams of Eternity, Ashleyebb, Maria de Sanctos, Guest, FlyingCats777, DirtWaterTomahawk, lindcita, Icbacteria, Mademoiselle le Chat, and Annalay for taking the time out of their lives to leave a kind note for me to read. I lack proper words to thank you all._


	16. Chapter 16

That is how Jarmo and Has find them two hours later, both asleep on the bench in the common area. The men back out quietly and motion to their friends to have a peek.

"I thought they hated each other." Melvic observes as they ready the ship for landing.

"That's because you're too young to have ever been in love." Mabion jokes with the man, the youngest in the group. "You'll understand when you're older."

Melvic just smirks at his boss, but he notices Has still standing in the passageway. "Hey." He nods toward the Dressellian.

"What?" Mabion follows the young man's gaze and sees Has loitering in the doorway, watching Cassian and Jyn.

"What's he doing?" Melvic whispers hoarsely.

Cassian told Mabion everything he knows about Has the first night, but that wouldn't require much data to store. "He cares about Jyn." Mabion answers simply. "He's known her since she was a baby."

No one responded to this news. They don't know how.

* * *

Mabion asks Has to wake the sleeping soldiers a few hours later when the ship has landed safely on Gilless. Has is gone only a few minutes before he returns, trailed by two half awake-looking, and slightly embarrassed individuals.

"Let's get going." Mabion gestures to their bags that he packed up from the crew quarters.

"Where are we going?" Jyn questions Cassian privately as they grab their belongings. Giless is blissfully warm, and a soft breeze is wafting into the loading bay.

"We're staying with Mabion for a couple of nights." He nods toward his friend. "He has some extra space for us until we can catch a transport out." Truthfully, he only has one extra room, but Cassian has no problem giving it to Jyn. He is pleased to get some time to catch up with his old friend, though, and the free lodging will be a gift since they missed their last transport. It might take him a few days to locate another ship heading in the direction he needs to go.

Jyn narrows her eyes at him, and he knows she'll be asking questions about this later. She follows him without comment, though, heaving her bag and two of Cassian's onto her shoulders. Cassian is lugging the rest of the bags and the package of clothes and supplies that Jyn has yet to unpack.

Has Obitt moves in and takes the bags from Jyn's shoulders without so much as a word. Cassian watches wordlessly as she lets him relieve her of the burden, and then conceals his surprise when she wraps an arm around Has's waist. He can't hear the words being exchanged, but he surmises that she is probably thanking him. Jyn is nothing if not true to her word.

"Do you remember," Cassian hears Has ask as they head for the exit. "When you first met me?"

Jyn scoffs as he leads her down the loading ramp arm in arm. "I was a baby. Of course not."

"No. Not then. When you were three or four?"

"Not exactly." Jyn catches Cassian's eye and smiles at him. He slows his gait to match hers.

"You had these messy braids." Has smiled affectionately down at her. "And a helmet. And this huge backpack." He gestures with his hands to indicate how large the bag was.

"Your mom's friend introduced you to me, and you just stared at me for a few seconds." There's an awkward moment when Jyn and Cassian hold their breath, almost afraid of where this is heading. "Then you grabbed my hand and asked if I wanted to see what was in your backpack."

"I don't remember that." Jyn murmurs, ears turning bright red.

Cassian smiles at the image Has paints of Jyn as a precocious young child. He'd expect nothing less from this fiery woman, and he hopes Has will share more stories with them. He has a few questions for Has as it is.

* * *

"Honza!" Mabion called out as the four of them enter the house. "Are you here? We have company."

Cassian watches with interest as a tall woman with cropped dark hair appears in the front room. She appears to be a few months pregnant, but Cassian is far from an expert on judging these things. She greets and hugs Mabion, and then drops a kiss on his lips before turning to the rest of them. Cassian recognizes her accent as similar to his own. Maybe not from Fest, but she's definitely from the Outer Rim. His heart is warmed as he watches his old friend greet his unborn child with his hands caressing his wife's swollen abdomen.

"Who are your friends?" Honza brushes her husband's hair from his eyes to gain his attention.

"Honza." Her husband points to each of the guests. "This is Cassian, Jyn, and Has. They need a place to stay for a few days."

"I've heard about you. It's good to finally meet you." She speaks directly to Cassian before moving on to Jyn. "How are you doing?" She was obviously aware of the reason for her husband's rapid departure from Giless.

"I'm fine. Thank you." Jyn moves imperceptibly closer to Cassian under the keen gaze of Mabion's wife.

"Would you all like to get cleaned up?" Honza is ushering the three of them toward the back of the house. "I'm sorry, we only have one refresher, but it's water. If you'd like to shower, please go ahead."

Mabion points out the spare bedroom to Cassian, and he deposits his bags and motions for Has to drop theirs as well.

"Help yourselves." Honza is standing beside the door to the refresher. "I'll start dinner."

Mabion follows her to the kitchen to pitch in with the rest of the cooking. From the aromas wafting through the home, Honza was expecting them, and started preparing dinner earlier. The scent reminds Cassian of home.

* * *

Cassian and Has share a look between them and turn their attention back to Jyn.

"You first, Jyn." Cassian's hand is warm on the back of her neck, and his breath hot on her ear. "I'll redo your bandages when you're done."

He sinks onto the chair in the spare room while she unwraps her package of new garments and grabs a change of clothes.

"Be right back." She heads to the refresher without a backward glance.

Jyn scrubs her skin thoroughly with the products in the refresher. This soap is gentler than the bars issued by the Rebellion. Honza has real shampoo, too, and a smoothing rinse that she works into her hair with relish. She shuts off the water and steps out of the refresher, bare feet sinking into the plush rug on the floor. The towels are thick and fluffy, and smell...fresh. She stands for a moment and regards her new clothes. She's hasn't had new clothes since she was probably four years old before they left Coruscant. Even on Lah'mu she made do with second hand items and hand-me-downs from friends of her mother's. When she was living with the Partisans she wore whatever Saw could scavenge for her. After...her choices were substantially less varied. These are lovely. Beautiful, even. They're not fancy, but they're brand new, clean, and they're all hers. Dark brown slacks that are not completely unlike the ones she had before Scarif, but are made of nicer fabric. The teal shirt reminds her of the ocean on Lah'mu in the short, cloudless summer season. She slips the trousers on and regards the top once more. It's such a lovely color. It slides over her head easily, and settles against her frame.

* * *

Cassian waits in the room for Jyn to finish up, and he takes the time to ponder the recent events. He nearly lost Jyn, reunited with an old friend, somehow managed to get Jyn back - and mostly in one piece. He finds himself unable to put what he's feeling into words. He leans back in the uncomfortable chair as he waits for Jyn to finish up. He can hear Has chatting with Mabion and Honza in the kitchen. He's going to have to thank Has later, he muses. If it wasn't for him, this whole extraction would have been very different, and may not have been successful at all.

Jyn seems to be doing well, he thinks back to the picture of Jyn scrabbling up the side of the panels to fix the navicomputer, jumping down off the top of it, fitting herself into his side on the bench. He swears she breathed a sigh of relief as he drew her closer against him. He's lost in the memory when Jyn reappears, fresh from her shower. Her wet hair is dripping water droplets onto her teal shirt making dark spots on the shoulders and down the back, and she looks beautifully young and relaxed. If it wasn't for the bruising under her eye and the abrasions on her chin, there would be almost no indications of her recent ordeal.

"Have a good shower?" He swallows heavily.

"Yeah." She answers shortly, and flops on the bed, bouncing slightly. "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for you." He bends down and pulls his open bag closer by the strap. "Here." He reaches toward her with a tub of bacta gel in his hands. "Let me."

She watches in silence as Cassian kneels and carefully smooths healing gel over the frayed skin on her wrists, then covers them with gauze.

"I can do that, you know?"

"I know." He's dabbing gel on her chin and avoiding her eyes. He's finished with her chin and dabs a little gel under her left eye. "How's the rest of you?"

That's a loaded question, but she knows what he means. "Fine." The last thing she needs right now is Cassian's gentle hands on her back and abdomen.

"I'm going to take a shower." He pushes to his feet, grabs his bag, and is out the door before she can respond.

Jyn waits awkwardly in the room where Cassian left her. She doesn't know these people, and she's not sure how to act. She'll wait here and take her cues from him. Jyn flops backward on the bed and breathes deeply as she sinks into the blankets. Nothing about this adds up, and she's wracking her brain to figure out what's going on here. There are so many missing pieces and unanswered questions.

Cassian pauses outside of the door, taking in the sight of Jyn reclined on the mattress with her eyes closed, legs dangling over the edge of the bed. He can tell she's awake. One heel is tapping against the bed frame rhythmically. He drops his bag on the floor near the chair and sits beside Jyn on the mattress. This somehow feels more intimate than sitting beside her on the bench earlier. He's tongue-tied for a moment watching her. Her eyes are still closed, but her face is relaxed, and her shirt has pulled just above the waistband of her trousers. His eyes are drawn to that strip of pale flesh.

"Do you feel like some dinner?" He finally chokes out a few words, wincing at the senselessness of feeling so awkward around someone he nearly died with a few months ago.

Jyn opens her eyes and gives him a small nod and a relaxed smile.

* * *

Has is in the kitchen attempting to help and entertaining Honza and Mabion with some of his amusing anecdotes from his jobs. Honza ascertains - correctly - that he is less than useless in the kitchen. She hands him a glass of wine and directs him to sit at the table.

"You're our guest." She gestures for him to take a seat. "Please. Relax for a while."

"You have a lovely home." Cassian is trailed by Jyn, who looks uncomfortable.

"Thank you." Honza smiles warmly at him, and glances around to Jyn. "Would you like some ice for that eye?"

"No, thank you." Jyn murmurs, embarrassed, but Honza is already gathering ice into a towel and handing it to Jyn. She hesitates a hairs breadth too long, and Cassian takes it for her.

"Thanks." He hands the ice to Jyn with a pointed look that clearly says _"ice your black eye."_ Jyn must understand him, because she takes it and holds to cold pack to her face.

"Shower's free." He jerks his head toward the back of the house as he accepts a glass of wine from Mabion before handing it over to Jyn.

Jyn's eyes widen momentarily as she accepts the glass and takes a sip.

"Do you need some help?" Cassian is already rolling up his sleeves in preparation.

"We've got it." Mabion hands his friend a another glass, and pushes Cassian into the chair that Has just vacated.

Jyn sits anxiously beside Cassian, but quickly relaxes as the two men fall back into old habits. They joke and tell stories, and the ladies laugh and enjoy their banter.

Jyn finds a particular story about Cassian loosing his shirt, literally, in a brutal game of sabbac very amusing, and laughs heartily. Cassian had been young, maybe twenty, and more drunk than he'd ever been. The men were trying to forget about a firefight gone wrong, and stumbled into the bar after having already knocked back a few stiff drinks. Mabion had tried and failed to teach the younger man the finer points of the game, but admits that he was far too drunk to be an effective teacher. By the end of the night, Cassian was minus a shirt and both boots, and he'd had to walk back to the the base barefoot and shirtless.

"You forgot to mention that you lost one shoe in that wager, too." Cassian's fingers and toes are delightfully tingly with a glass of wine under his belt. "At least I lost both of them. You had to hobble back to base with one shoe on and one off." He wishes he could record of the sound of Jyn's laughter at the image.

The Waydau's set an impressive table, but Jyn admits to herself that she'd never know otherwise. She barely remembers her own family dinners, and her most recent experiences with home cooking only involve Cassian and herself sitting in his quarters on the ancient chair that wobbles every time she moves. Those meals are some of her favorite memories, though, and she cherishes them.

Honza tells Cassian to stay seated next to Jyn and refuses to accept their assistance with setting out the plates and cutlery. Cassian's mouth is watering as Has takes his seat and the five prepare to dig into their meal. His eyes slip closed with his first bite, as the flavors of home flood his senses. His mother made a dish almost exactly like this. Honza and Mabion have recreated his childhood in a single meal. His mouth is open to praise their cooking when Jyn is engulfed in a coughing fit. She's gasping and choking, and her face has turned as red as her stew. Cassian pats her on the back anxiously as Honza hovers apologetically.

"I'm sorry!" She exclaims. "I should have warned you!"

"No! No!" Jyn chokes out finally, gasping a breath. "I'm fine. It's delicious."

"Drink this." Mabion hands her a glass of bantha milk. "It'll help."

She accepts the beverage and takes a sip, coughing only slightly now as Cassian's hand continues rubbing between her shoulder blades.

"The food on Fest is spicy." Cassian explains, realizing that it's possible Jyn has never had anything spicy in her lifetime. "This is a traditional dish." Jyn's eyes are watering, and she's scrubbing at her face self-consciously.

"It's good." Jyn reassures her hosts. "I just wasn't expecting...It's really good." She's never had food that burns in two ways before, but it isn't unpleasant when you know what to expect.

Cassian realizes that his hand is still on Jyn's back, and removes it suddenly and drops it to his lap. Jyn is eating carefully, he notes. Small bites and lots of fluid. The rest of the meal passes pleasantly, and Cassian is pleased when Jyn insists on helping Honza clean up. He's in the process of pushing Mabion out of the kitchen so he and Jyn can get started on the cleaning when Mabion fakes a punch to his ribs.

"Go, the two of you." He shoos Jyn and Cassian from the kitchen. "Sit down and relax. We'll take care of this. You, too!" He gestures at Has, and herds the three of them into the front room.

Cassian settles himself on the comfortable chair near the entrance, and watches as Jyn curls her legs underneath of her next to Has on the sofa.

"How did you meet Jyn?" Cassian has been waiting to ask these questions. He obviously knew her mother, but has no idea that she's dead.

"The first time?" Has glances at Jyn affectionately. "You were just a baby." He pats her hand paternally. "Your father was in prison. Do you know about that?"

"Yes." She nods affirmatively. "My mother told me."

"Your father was important to the Empire." He elaborated, attention focused on Jyn. "So this officer, Krennic, paid me to fly your family off Vallt after he arranged your father's release."

Cassian cringes at the name Krennic, remembering his last encounter with the man.

"You were just an infant." Has smiles at Jyn, and Cassian recalls some of the pictures of Jyn as a baby that he found in his research when he was hunting for Galen Erso. Even as a baby she was all eyes. And beautiful.

"You look so much like your mother."

"I do?" She barely remembers her mother's face, but what she does recall looks nothing like the picture she sees in the mirror.

"The face." He tips her chin up and smiles at her. "High cheekbones like your mother. And the hair." He pauses for a moment, then continues. "I think she was taller, though."

Cassian has thought the same thing. He knows all the vital details of the Erso family, and it has not escaped his notice that Jyn is shorter than she should be given her parent's statures. Was it malnutrition with the Partisans that stunted her growth? Was it the lack of nurturing? Both? Were her grandparents closer to her height?

"How did you recognize Jyn after all these years?" He's been dying to ask since he met the man.

"Her necklace." Jyn's hand is on the crystal before Has ever answers, and pieces of a puzzle slide into place for Cassian. He knew it was important to her; turns out he was more correct than even he knew.

"It was my mother's." Jyn murmurs, eyes on her pendant. One finger gently caresses over the stone. "She gave it to me before she died."

"Lyra's...dead?" Has is genuinely shocked at this, and Cassian sees Jyn wince. "When?"

"I was eight." Her voice is soft, and Cassian leans forward. She has never really talked about her mother with him.

"How...?"

She squeezes her eyes closed, and Cassian wills her to understand that she doesn't have to do this. She doesn't have to answer these questions, but he knows she will, because Has helped her.

"The ship came." She remembers, and her voice hits a higher pitch than usual. "I was playing outside, and I saw it." She takes a shaky breath, and meets Cassian's sympathetic eyes before looking away and continuing. "I ran to the house, but they knew about it already." She pauses to steady herself. "Papa told me to pack my things, and Mama talked to Saw."

She hesitates before deciding to skip ahead. She can't tell the whole story right now.

"Mama told me to go to the bunker, but she went back for Papa." Honestly, it's still a guess, even after all of these years. She's not sure she'll ever understand. "She had a blaster."

Cassian edges forward on the edge of his seat, wishing he'd taken the space next to Jyn instead of across the room.

"She threatened a man. An officer." Her voice is shaking now, and she bites her bottom lip to steady herself. "In white. He shot her." Another pause, and Cassian has almost vacated the cushion entirely. "Well, he had his 'Troopers shoot her. She died right there."

Cassian is standing now, running a hand through his damp hair. "How do you know?" She said her mother told her to go to the bunker, but he knows before she answers exactly how she knows.

"I saw it." Her jaw is set, and her eyes have that faraway look that they had when she had to meet with Saw. "I didn't go to the bunker. I followed Mama to the fields. I ran after he killed her."

"I'll kill him." Cassian is talking to himself, but Jyn overheard him.

"You already did." She's standing in front of him, and he doesn't remember seeing her move.

"On the tower. At Scarif." He'd already killed her monster.

It all suddenly comes together for Cassian. Her answer to Krennic on that platform. _"I'm Jyn Erso. Daughter of Galen and Lyra. You've lost."_ Her reaction to seeing him laying on the platform after she transmitted the plans makes his heart squeeze uncomfortably.

"I should have let you shoot him again." He's tugging her to him again without giving it any thought.

Images of Cassian leaning heavily against the pillar, blaster still raised after saving her life flash through her memory. He killed the man who has haunted her dreams since she was eight years old, labored breathing, and face pained. She wraps her arms back around his waist. "We wouldn't have made it." Her words are muffled in his chest, and his fingers comb through her hair.

"You killed Orson Krennic?" Has sounds pleased and impressed.

"That was his name?" Jyn turns her head, and Cassian strokes the side of her neck with his fingertips. "You said he paid you to fly us off of Vallt?"

He can feel the moment Jyn puts the whole story together. She tenses, tight as a bow pulled taut.

"He did." Has nods. "Paid me to take you to Alpinn, too, when you were a little older. You used to ride on my shoulders around the caves. Do you remember that? She was so cute..."

Has stops talking as Jyn rushes from the room, and looks questioningly at Cassian. "Did I say something wrong?"

"She just realized that Orson Krennic systematically planned the destruction of her entire family." He swallows hard. "And destroyed her life."

Has remains seated, stunned, staring at the path Jyn just took.

"Are you going to go after her?" It's Mabion. He meets Cassian's eyes and raises his eyebrows.

"I don't..." Cassian stammers. He's not sure what to do, or rather he's not sure what Jyn would want him to do.

"Go." His friend answers the question for him. "Make sure she's alright."

"She's not alright." Cassian retorts as he strides toward the guest room. There's no possibility that she's alright.

* * *

"Jyn?" He raps on the door lightly. "Jyn?" When he receives no answer, he glances at the keypad. It's unlocked, and he knocks again. "Jyn, I'm coming in." He pushes the button and the door swishes open to reveal Jyn pacing the small space.

"Jyn." What words are there for this moment? She's not crying, which both surprises him and does not simultaneously. There are no tears, but her spine is tense, her jaw is set, and her hands are clenched into fists. Her posture tells him she's looking for a fight. He won't give it to her.

"Talk to me."

She just shakes her head wildly, eyes full of pain and brow furrowed. Her breaths are coming fast, and Cassian knows what will come next.

"Jyn." He reaches out to her, but she she evades him. "Jyn, take a deep breath."

"He planned it all." She spits the words at him, and Cassian is grateful for each of them. "He planned the whole thing." She stops and whirls to face him. "Do you know why my father was in prison on Vallt?"

He does. "He was accused of espionage." He answers. "When he was working for Zerpen Industries."

"My mother was in prison, too, you know?" She's smiling, but the word hold no mirth. "I was _born_ in a prison." She snorts before continuing. "I always figured I'd die there, too." The last part sounds like an afterthought, almost like Cassian wasn't supposed to hear it.

"He planned it all." She's shaking, but she won't let Cassian near her. Her eyes are wild again. Suspicious. He wonders if they've moved backward in time in terms of her trusting him. "He killed her, and he took my father, and they all just... _left_ me there."

These questions have all occurred to Cassian before. What kind of parents choose to leave their only child for Saw Gerrera to raise?

"Was your mother supposed to be in the bunker with you?" His voice is soft. Soothing.

"They were both supposed to come with me." She's nearly vibrating with rage now. "We practiced it. Over and over. They were supposed to come." She exhales a shaky breath, but doesn't look at him. She can hear her Papa now, as if he's in this room with her. _"Whatever I do, I do it to protect you. Say you understand."_

 _"I love you, Stardust."_

 _"Go."_

"He was never going to come with us." It's a new realization as she replays that day in her head. "He..."

Cassian doesn't know how to respond to this.

"She could have come with me." It's almost a question. "She left me..."

Her breaths are coming too quickly now, and Cassian moves closer toward her.

"Jyn. Look at me." She doesn't look. She doesn't respond at all.

"She left me with Saw." She doesn't seem to have heard him. "Just...left. And then he left, too." The third betrayal, and he can hear the hurt and pain in her voice as it elevates to an unnaturally high register. She's tried to not think this deeply about that night for so many years. She's avoided asking herself why her parents didn't follow the plan. Why didn't her mother go with her? Why did she choose to make a futile stand against a group of Death Troopers? Why did her mother choose to die instead of follow the plan and go to the bunker with her like they'd practiced so many times?

"Jyn. Come here." He reaches a hand out tentatively, and encircles her wrist gently. "Come here." He tugs her toward him, and wraps his other arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry." He breaths, knowing that nothing he can say will make this better. "I'm so sorry."

Her breaths come more quickly now, and her shoulders heave rapidly against his arm. "Take a deep breath." He murmurs into her hair, eyes toward the sky. "Slow it down. You're going to hyperventilate."

"He planned it all." Her voice is rough with emotion. Raw. "He took him."

"I know. I know."

"Why...who...?" She's not speaking in sentences now, and Cassian's concern has ratcheted up several notches.

"Breath with me." He's murmuring, one hand cupping the back of her head. "In and out."

"I don't..." She's out of words, and buries her face in Cassian's shirt as he continues repeating his pleas for her to breath with him.

"He's gone." Cassian is whispering. "He can't hurt anyone else." Jyn rarely seems small to Cassian. Not physically. Her personality makes her seem so much larger. She's all energy and fire and light. She seems smaller now, shaking in his arms. He wishes he knew how to comfort her.

"I'm here." The words spill out before he can stop them, and he winces. Since when has his presence been a comfort to anyone? "I'm sorry." He amends hurriedly.

"What do you know about him?" Her face is upturned, and Cassian's throat constricts as he moves one hand to smooth down her hair.

"About Krennic?" He's stalling, and he knows she'll call him on it.

"Yes. What do you know about him? Why was he so fixated on my father?" The unspoken question is _why did he insist on destroying my family and my life?_ He's not sure he knows that answer.

Cassian really does not want to answer.

* * *

 _A/N: I seriously love you guys. You're all so kind. Thank you to my lovely reviewers: Guest, lindcita, engineerwenlock, Ashleyebb, Arie'Lizbeth, DirtWaterTomahawk, SandBank, MonieCat, Mademoiselle le Chat, Naia, Maria de Sanctos, xbecbebex, Annalay, MayflyMortalityfly, excellentboiledpotatoes (is that a Pride and Prejudice reference?), Icbacteria._

 _I recently reread the first few chapters, and boy are you guys kind. They were awful. I'll fix them at a later date. Thanks for sticking around!_

 _Also, in my head, Honza served them a delightfully spicy posole._


	17. Chapter 17

"They met in school. In the Futures Program." The information Cassian has about Director Orson Krennic reads like the dossier. Then again, it is from a dossier - one that he put together. "Contacts say your father had better grades, but Krennic was more...personable." That wasn't the whole truth. The people he spoke to said Krennic was charismatic and cruel, and that Galen Erso was brilliant to the point of having no social skills.

Jyn knits her eyebrows together and lowers her eyes for a moment. That makes sense with what she remembers of her Papa. He was reserved, unless he was with her. Mama would take her to his lab from time to time if they hadn't seen him for a while. Jyn still remembers the silence. No one made a noise when he was concentrating. But Jyn would run and jump and play on the chairs against her mother's harshly whispered protests. Then she would climb into Papa's lap, and wrap her arms around his neck. He always turned his attention to her. Lifting her into the air or twirling her around. He'd let her ride on his shoulders, and she could touch the ceiling. His laughter, deep in his belly and gleefully happy, is a memory that she still clings to when she's lonely. He was pushing her through the halls in the rolling chair from his desk, and she as shrieking with glee. Papa was laughing because Mama scolded them both. Then everything changed.

"He's - he was - power hungry." Cassian continues only when he is certain that her attention is focused back on his words. "Ruthless. He wanted the Death Star built so he could impress the Emperor and gain favor. He's not from the Core, so he's a bit of an outsider. Your father was key to him completing his goal. Moving up the ranks."

"But..." She's stammering. "Why kill my mother?"

Cassian doesn't know much about Lyra Erso beyond what Has and Jyn have told him. The intelligence data he was able to scrounge up was scarce. She had only a few friends, and most were unwilling to speak to anyone. He knows facts; where she was born, where she studied for university, when she married Galen Erso. He doesn't know much about the woman, though.

"I don't know." Even if he did, he's not sure he would tell her. She's had enough pain for one lifetime. The urge to press his lips to the top of her head again is strong, and he forces himself to elevate his chin safely away.

"Everything was different after the trip." Her voice is muffled by his shirt as she rests her forehead against his collarbone, and he can feel her breath warm on his chest as she speaks.

"What trip?" His voice is a whisper, touched by the level of trust she's showing him, and restraining himself carefully to prevent overstepping any boundaries.

"The one Has-ujak was talking about. With my mother and her friend." She barely remembers the trip, but she can recall fields of white. Stone, maybe? There were caves, too, and she explored them on Has' shoulders and with her small hand in his. "I don't know what we were doing, but we were there for a while. Maybe a few months?" Maybe it was three weeks. She was too young at the time to have a concept of time. "When we got back, my parents were different around each other. They fought more. Papa rarely came home from his lab. We left Coruscant a few months later."

Cassian catches the term she uses for Has, but he's not sure what it means. "Do you think something happened on this trip?" She'd turned her head and rested her temple against his chest while she was speaking. Cassian's hands feel like lead when he moves them from her hair to her shoulders. This seems safer.

"I think so." She nods, and he can feel his shirt sliding over the skin of his chest as she moves her head up and down. "Papa was quieter after we got back. We barely saw him. Mama and I would go for walks in the park. We stopped going outside after we ran into Krennic one day by the trees." She'd actually forgotten all of this until now, but it came flooding back with fearsome clarity. "Mama was angrier after that."

"Has might know." Cassian offers, although he's not hopeful. "Do you want to ask him?"

"I do."

He regards her critically for a moment when she moves away from him. Her eyes are red-rimmed, but she has shed no tears. They have that in common, he thinks. After all these years of pain and loss, neither one of them has any tears left to spare. She looks battered with her scraped chin and bruised eye, and he's certain the pain in her expression is partially physical but majority emotional. Those are the worst wounds, he knows. Those are the wounds you carry with you forever.

"Am I a mess?" She pushes her hair away from her face and straightens her top. Honza is so tall and lovely. Jyn feels out of place in their tidy, warm home.

The question is so uncharacteristic coming from her. "No." Cassian smiles with a small shake of his head as he reaches out a traitorous hand to push some hair behind her ear. "You're perfect."

* * *

Has has moved to stand near the window next to Mabion, and Cassian joins Jyn on the sofa. He's grateful for the proximity, and wonders if perhaps the Dressellian man moved on purpose, to allow Jyn to sit near him.

"Has-ujak?" Jyn ventures quietly, and continues when he turns and graces her with a affectionate, fatherly smile. "Did anything happen to my mother on that trip we took? The one to the caves?"

Cassian knows the answer is yes before Has speaks.

"Nothing _happened_ , per se." He leans against the window sill and focuses on Jyn. "She saw something that...impacted her."

"What did she see?" Cassian can't stop himself from asking, even though he knows it's not his place.

"I showed her what the Empire was doing on Samovar and Wadi Raffa?"

Jyn looks at Cassian, puzzled. "I've never heard of that."

"They're legacy worlds." Has explains. "But the Empire looted them and left them in shambles. Your mother wanted to see the destruction. She didn't want to believe that the Empire was evil enough to destroy protected planets."

 _Like Fest,_ Cassian thinks, although Fest was never a Legacy World. Still, the seeds of the Empire looted it and left it in civil war after obliterating most of it altogether. The planet is still there, he knows, but it's not worth going back to. There's nothing left to see. He searches the reaches of his memories to see if he's ever read anything about Samovar or Wadi Raffa.

Jyn goes quiet as she considers the implications. Her mother saw up close the evils of the Empire, and probably realized what Papa was working on. There are so many missing pieces of this puzzle. She knows she'll never have all of the answers she seeks.

"Did you get us off of Coruscant, too?" She doesn't really remember the ride off of the planet-city.

"No." Has' smile is faraway. "I knew you'd left, though. Krennic questioned me for days."

Cassian moves his hand to Jyn's knee in reassurance at the mention of Krennic.

"Did you help arrange it?" She remembers Saw being on the transport, and her parents, a pilot, but no one else. She can't remember Has being around for that journey.

"No. I found out you'd left when Krennic caught me. He was alerted when I landed on Coruscant, had his team of 'Troopers detain me. It was a trap. Tarkin set me up as bait. They interrogated me for days." He laughs grimly at the memory. "But I was so happy to know that you were safe, Jyn." He was, too. Honestly. Even now, Has regards helping Lyra Erso, and by extension her daughter, to be the only decent things he's done in his life. He'd been happy to be interrogated by Krennic for days on end, truthfully, because each day meant Lyra and Jyn were farther away from the clutches of the Empire. Now, having been able to help Jyn again, he feels like he redeemed himself somewhat for some of his past actions. This tiny girl with the big green eyes who immediately trusted him as a toddler has had a life he could never imagine. But she seems to have found herself someone trustworthy to look out for her. Has likes Cassian, not that his opinion matters. He seems like a decent man. Like a man Galen would approve of for his only daughter.

* * *

Jyn goes to bed shortly after, and Honza and Has decide they should turn in, as well. Cassian and Has insist that Jyn take the spare bedroom, and Has takes the sofa in the front room. Mabion lookes pointedly at Cassian as he drops a blanket on the cushions. He follows Mabion to the kitchen, and waits for the shoe to drop.

"We should have that drink."

Cassian's head turns involuntarily toward the guest room that currently houses Jyn. "I don't think I should leave..." He doesn't want to leave Jyn. What if she has a nightmare? What if she wakes up and he isn't there? What if...? He's being silly, and he knows it. She's a grown woman; more than capable. Strong. Smart. _She's just been through an ordeal_ , he reminds himself, although she truly does seem like she is, as she insists, fine. The post-dinner conversation rattled her, though, and even Cassian can't lie to himself and say he's not concerned about the effects. That, and he's grown fond of falling asleep in the same room as Jyn.

"Here." Mabion opens the ice box and hands his friend a bottle of beer. "We can sit outside. You won't be far."

The men settle themselves on the chairs beside the front door, and Mabion leaves it open for Cassian's peace of mind. The night air is cooler, but still comfortable, and a gentle breeze blows high, wispy clouds across the stars. It's less humid here than Yavin 4, but the air is no less fragrant.

"You're married." Cassian states the obvious, although the fact still amazes him. Mabion's job in the Rebellion was the same as Cassian's. They've both committed acts that neither will ever truly recover from. This kind of peaceful, simple life has seems so far out of Cassian's reach. To see a friend so similar to himself doing so well gives him hope. "And you're going to be a father."

"In about four and a half months." He'd kept that part to himself on the ship. Maybe it was a tad mean, but he'd enjoyed the way Cassian's eyes had bugged out just a little when he saw Honza.

"She seems...nice." What is the proper way to describe your friend's wife? Can you say she's lovely? Is that a faux pas?

"She's far too good for me." Mabion grins around a sip of his beer. "But bless her, she puts up with me anyway."

"Congratulations." He means it. "On the marriage and the baby." No one deserves it more.

"It's a boy." Pride swells in his chest, and he smiles into the darkness.

Cassian has no response for this. He knows that his friend's past is remarkably similar to his own. Both men were war orphans swept up into a fight they were too young to understand. His friend is starting a life. Starting a family. He's regaining some measure of what he lost so many years ago. He wonders if the feeling in his chest is jealousy.

"A boy." Cassian repeats softly with wonder. Mabion is going to have a son.

"Your girl." Mabion's changes topics abruptly, and places his glass on the table with a clink. "Tell me about her."

"She's not my girl." The objection is almost a habit now.

"So you've said." His full attention is focused on his squirming friend. "Who is she?" _Kidding himself._

"Her name's Jyn Erso." He lets that settle for a moment, knowing Mabion will make the connection himself.

"Jyn Erso? As in...?"

"As in."

"How...?" Mabion is having trouble putting coherent thoughts together now. "Her father is Imperial?" And the Rebellion has been looking for a way to get to the Ersos for years.

"Not exactly." Cassian settles on the truth as he sees it. The truth as Jyn sees it. Her truth saved the Rebellion, after all, so he has no issue with her version. He slides down in his chair and tells his friend the whole story. He tells him how he found out about the planet killer from Tivik. How Tivik's arm was injured and he'd shot him to keep him from being caught and tortured by the Empire. How Melshi and Kaytoo pulled Jyn out of Wobani, and how she'd nearly gotten away from them.

"That tiny girl beat up Melshi?" Mabion was aghast. "You're being truthful?"

"I swear it. The whole team. Melshi said she kicked him, punched another, and took the last out with a shovel." He doesn't add the part about how Kaytoo picked her up and threw her down to prevent her escape. What Kaytoo lacked in finesse, he made up for in effectiveness.

Mabion is impressed, but says nothing.

Cassian continues, and tell his friend about Jedha, and how Jyn met the Guardians of the Whills outside of the Kyber temple. He relays how she dashed into a firefight and rescued a little girl from certain death, and then saved him from shrapnel when they were too close to an exploding grenade. Then he tells him how she took out half a dozen Stormtroopers with nothing but her truncheon. He tells Mabion about Chirrut taking down...how many 'Troopers with his staff? And how Baze mowed down another half dozen. The catacombs and the long walk to them, and how he was separated from Jyn, and worried about her. He illustrated how he found Bohdi, and learned where Galen was, but still dashed through the maze of tunnels to find Jyn and get her to safety before Jedha turned to ashes.

"I was supposed to kill him." His voice is bitter now, angry and raw.

"Kill who?"

"Galen Erso. Draven's orders." He scrubs a hand over his face, and notes the stubble that he should trim. "I had the shot."

"You did not take it." It's not a question.

Cassian just shakes his head no and runs a hand through his hair anxiously. "I couldn't do it." He remembers the rain soaking him through to the bone, the chill in the air. Galen looming tall on the platform in his dark suit in front of a group of white-suited older men. Krennic, ostentatious with his white cloak and his Death Troopers. Even all these months later, Cassian isn't sure why he couldn't pull the trigger. He'd never hesitated before. It probably has something to do with Jyn, he acknowledges, but the rest goes largely unexplored.

"And so..."

"He's still dead, and it's still my fault." The guilt eats at him. It gnaws at his sleep and ebbs into his waking hours.

"How is it your fault?" Mabion always sees things differently than Cassian.

"The comms were down. Didn't get them fixed fast enough. Draven ordered an air assault on the facility when we lost communication." He takes a long breath and closes his eyes. "He died in her arms. She was up there. On the platform." He pauses for a moment as realization dawns on him. "Kriff...ah." He leans forward suddenly, elbows on his knees and head in his hands.

"What's wrong?"

"He died in her arms. She watched him die." This isn't news, but the rest of it is. "She watched Krennic's Death Troopers execute her mother when she was eight. Both of her parents. Dammit." She'd watched Saw Gerrera's hideout turn into dust on Jedha, too, although he doubts she'd actually seen the man die with her own eyes. Still, this has to be more difficult for her than he can imagine. He'd had no idea. All of these months, and he'd had no idea the kind of pain she was living with.

Mabion says nothing, but shakes his head sadly. He knows how Cassian lost his family. He'd lost his own parents in various battles between the Republic and the Separatists back on Fest when he was nine. Neither man had to watch their parents die, though.

"Why was she there?" Mabion finally asks.

"Why was she on the platform?" He still doesn't know.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I'm not sure." Cassian shrugs a shoulder and takes another draw of his beer. "She wanted to find him. She wanted him to testify before the council."

"So they'd see he wasn't a traitor?"

"And they'd believe that there was a flaw in his design. Not a flaw, he did it on purpose. He made a trap. And he told her how to spring it. He told her were to find the plans. It was in the message he sent with the pilot. The defector." With Bodhi. He parrots Baze's words on the stolen Imperial shuttle after the fiasco at Eadu. That's only part of the reason, he figures. She'd just learned that her father was alive after years of presuming him to be dead. Of course she went to find him. She went to reunite with her father. He would have done the same if he'd found himself in her position.

"How'd she get out alive?" Mabion never misses anything important. It's part of what made him a top rate intelligence officer. He notices everything. Cassian said the Alliance ordered an air strike on the facility.

He shrugs again. "I saw her up there and went to get her."

"You do that a lot." It's an observation, not a question.

"It's not something I planned." That much is honest. It's also the problem. And it appears to be the solution, too.

"So this Krennic guy." Mabion intones. "You shot him?"

Cassian nods. He shot him, and he's not sorry about it. He'd do it again, too, if he had the chance, especially now that he knows the rest of the story.

"On the platform at Eadu?" He'd missed part of the conversation after dinner while he was cleaning up.

"Scarif."

"Scarif?" He sounds surprised. "You were on Scarif?"

"We sort of...went rogue." Cassian admits. "The council wouldn't authorize a strike on the facility, and we needed the plans to the Death Star."

"You, Cassian Andor, went rogue?" This is so far from the Rebel officer that he remembers. He's familiar with the rumblings about what happened at Scarif, but he had no idea his friend had been involved. The snippets he'd collected just said that the Rebel forces attempted to infiltrate the complex and were met with devastating losses.

"We did." He drains his beer and sits the bottle down on the ground beside his right foot. "We had to climb the data tower to transmit the plans. He was at the top of the tower when I got there." He omits large chunks of the story. Being shot. Falling. Kaytoo sacrificing himself for their cause.

"She was unarmed. I'm not sure why." She'd had a blaster in her holster when he'd seen her last. His blaster, he corrects himself. The one she stole from him. His eyes close for a moment as he pictures Jyn on the tower. She stood defiant and proud even as the man from her worst nightmares held a blaster trained on her forehead. "I shot him in the back. He was gong to kill her." He had to. He had to protect her. He had to make sure the plans were transmitted. It's not an instinct he's accustomed to experiencing. He's used to looking after his battle buddy or Kaytoo. But the desperation he'd felt, the burning impulse and anger - those were new to him.

"You've never asked her how she lost her weapon?"

"We've never talked about it. Not before tonight."

Mabion rolls his eyes at his friend's ineptitude. "Cass, I love you like a brother, but you're an idiot."

Cassian regards the man beside him with humor. "Am I, now?"

"Yes."

"What do you two talk about?"

Cassian doesn't have an answer for that question.

"Okay." Mabion smiles and turns his attention back to the night sky. "How'd you injure your leg?" He noticed the limp the first night at the bar, but he'd held his tongue until now.

"Fell off the data tower on Scarif, then got shot."

"That's a bad day."

"Two days." Cassian remembers them both vividly. He remembers hearing Jyn cry his name as he hit durasteel beams on his way down the tower. He remembers waking on the cold grating below and hoping she was alive. Hoping she'd been successful. He remembers thinking he spied her in the crowd and slowing before a 'Trooper's blaster caught him in the thigh. He remembers Jyn's fear and uncertainty when she visited him in the infirmary. "Different events."

"Is it permanent?" He's referring to the hitch in Cassian's gait.

"Likely."

"Well, I guess we match, then."

Cassian just smiles wanly at this.

"So you guys are heroes now, huh?" Mabion knows how much Cassian abhors the limelight.

"We're just soldiers." He objects. "The heroes died. We were lucky."

"How'd she learn to fix computers?" A change of subject is an order.

A laugh is all the answer Mabion needs. "You had no idea she could, did you?"

"Jyn is continually unexpected."

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Mabion asks the question he's been itching to have answered.

"Hey, Cassian?" He waits for his friend to glance his direction. "Where's your droid?"

* * *

The men speak for a while longer, but Mabion has to work in the morning, and he needs to turn in for some rest. Cassian hesitates in the kitchen, and realizes he has no place to sleep. Has is on the sofa, which is fine, really. Has is short enough that it's probably a comfortable place for him to rest. But his bags are in the guest room with Jyn, and he's unsure how to proceed now. His sleep clothes are in those bags, and another thought occurs to him simultaneously. He'd failed to purchase anything comfortable for Jyn to sleep in.

They've been sharing his quarters for months now, both on Yavin 4 and on Hoth. They slept side by side on the transport, sometimes so close their shoulders were touching. Soldiers are never shy about being able to sleep in random and uncomfortable places. He only hesitates for a moment before opening the door and stepping carefully inside the spare room. Jyn is awake, sitting up in bed with her arms wrapped around her legs and knees drawn up under her chin.

"I'm sorry." Cassian freezes in the doorway. "I should have knocked. I just needed my bags." He points to his bags as if she doesn't know which ones are his.

"It's fine." She sniffs and rubs a hand over her eyes. She won't look in his direction.

She's been crying, and he feels his heart squeeze and skip a few beats in his chest. "Jyn."

She just shakes her head and draws in a shaky breath. "I'm fine."

 _You're not fine_ , he thinks, but leaves the words unvoiced. "Scoot." He steps inside and motions for her to move over a little as he takes a seat beside her on the mattress. "Come here." He whispers as he reaches one arm around her shoulders and pulls her to him.

She settles against him and rests her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry." She whispers in the darkness, as she ignores the voice in her head that reminds her that she never lets anyone get this close to her.

"Sorry for what?" He is unsuccessful in his attempts to not kiss her again, and presses his lips gently to the top of her head.

"I'm a mess." She hiccups a little, and huffs angrily at herself. "And it's not like you didn't lose...you know...too." _You're not the only one who lost everything._ His words have been playing on repeat for the past half hour as she berated herself for crying in the first place. She feels silly and selfish falling apart like this in front of him.

"It's not a contest, Jyn." Still, he smiles at her acknowledgement. "You're allowed to grieve for your family. You don't need to feel ashamed around me."

"I don't even know why I'm upset." She forces the words out bitterly. "They're still dead. Nothing has changed." Except it's kind of a lie. She's a master at lying to herself, though. Why stop now?

"You don't believe that." He rearranges the foot he has braced on the floor and repositions Jyn against his chest subtly, then rubs his hand up and down her humerus. He realizes that she's wearing her uniform. Always resourceful. She probably didn't want to wrinkle her new clothes, he figures.

"I don't even know why it matters." She mutters finally, and Cassian doesn't quite follow her train of thought.

"Why what matters?"

"I know his name now. It shouldn't matter. It doesn't change anything." That and now she knows how far back Krennic's history with her father went. And that he'd paid for and arranged their escape from Vallt. He'd gotten rid of her mother for a few months on a trip to Alpinn. Jyn vaguely remembers seeing him talk to her mother the last time they went to the park, but the memory is fuzzy. She was so young. So oblivious to the evils of the galaxy. How was she to know that he would turn out to be the monster under her bed?

It doesn't change the outcome, Cassian thinks to himself, but it makes a difference. "It doesn't change the past, but it frames it differently." He squeezes her shoulder gently.

They sit in silence in the darkness, illuminated by the lights shining in from the window. He can tell by her breathing that she's awake, but she's calm now. Relaxed. Her head has lulled towards him, rolling against his shoulder. Her forehead is tucked against his neck now, and Cassian can't remember the last time he was this content.

Another few minutes have passed before Jyn stirs and whispers into the darkness. "I'm keeping you up."

"I'm fine." He is. He'd stay here like this with her forever.

"Isn't that my line?"

He cracks a smile at her attempt at humor. "Usually."

She's silent for a few breaths before she speaks again. "Where are you going to sleep?"

"The floor is fine." He's slept in plenty of places less comfortable than the soft rug in the front room. "I can sleep anywhere."

"Take the bed." Jyn is already moving, crawling over top of him to get out of the bed. "I can sleep in the chair."

"Stop." Cassian rises with her, head shaking. He learned how uncomfortable the chair is while he was waiting for her to finish showering. "Take the bed. I want you to."

"Your back." She motions to his spine and then his healing leg. "You should sleep somewhere comfortable."

He's seen her twist herself into a very small ball before while sleeping, but even she is too tall to manage that feat in in this small chair. "No. Stay here. Lay down. It's too small."

"The chair in the front room is bigger." She's not wrong. She probably could curl up in that one and be somewhat comfortable. "Or I could just sleep on the floor."

"You're not sleeping on the floor." Cassian protests.

"The chair it is, then." She's halfway out the door before he can catch her.

"Hold on." He physically blocks her path, stepping quickly in front of her, and herding her back into the spare room. "Impossible woman." He's smiling, even as he takes her by the arms and pushes gently pushes her down to sit on the mattress. "Sleep."

"I can't take the bed from you in your friend's house." Jyn protests, trying unsuccessfully to stand up against the weight of his hands on her shoulders.

Cassian has rarely met someone as stubborn as he is, but he has an idea of how to end this argument. "I'd like some sleep tonight at some point, and you're keeping me up. Now, climb in bed, get some sleep, and let me go lay down."

"I don't feel right taking..."

"You're not taking anything. I'm offering. I'm giving it to you." Cassian interrupts her hastily, eager to finish this. "I want you to be comfortable."

"What about you?" She can't quite bring herself to offer up the logical solution. They could share. The bed is large enough for two, but the words won't form in her mouth.

"I'll be right outside." He's grabbing a pillow from the bed and locating the bag with his clothing in it.

"You could stay in here." She blurts it out without thinking, and turns bright red immediately. She's grown used to having him nearby, and it may be selfish, but she finds his presence comforting.

"Yeah." He surveys the space at the foot of the bed. "If you want me to. That's fine."

"Okay." She's ashamed, and won't look at him now.

"I'm going to change clothes." He slips out the door after dropping his pillow on the ground.

Jyn is awake when he returns, but she's faking sleep, so he lets her get away with it. He settles on the ground and listens to her breathing even out as she drifts to sleep.

* * *

 _A/N: Last chapter actually wasn't intended to be a cliffhanger. Apologies. I hate anxiety and suspense, so I try to not do that to others. I mixed what was in the book Catalyst by James Luceno (all historical events involving Has, and some of the Krennic references) with the movie. The book is quite good, actually, which did surprise me. I thoroughly enjoyed it._

 _I sound quite repetitive when I continually thank you beautiful reviewers. A special thanks to Autumn (Guest), Lindcita, Guest, Icbacteria, MonieCat, Mademoiselle le Chat, Ellamena, Guest, MayflyMortalityfly, xbecbebex, Annalay, Maria de Sanctos, engineerwenlock, and Capsassian. Thank you so much. You're all lovely people._

 _I probably won't get to update until the 11th or 12th. I have to take a class for work, and there's a lot of studying involved._

 _Also, Has Obitt and historical events involving Krennic were stolen from Catalyst written by James Luceno._


	18. Chapter 18

Cassian wakes in the early hours of the morning feeling warm but stiff. His back is aching so much he can almost hear it, but he finds that he's covered in a blanket. It appears to be the soft one from the bed that Jyn was wrapped in last night as he examines it. Trying to move his arm to push his hair out of his eyes, he finds it to be unexpectedly heavy. In the darkness, he can just make out the outline of who he assumes to be Jyn on the floor beside him. She has curled herself into a ball on the floor next to him, and has one hand securely grasping his arm. How she managed to wedge herself between the bed frame and his body is beyond his comprehension. Her back has to be pressed against the hard metal frame. It's nice, having her here, if he's honest with himself, but she can't be comfortable. Kriff, he's uncomfortable, and he doesn't have a metal beam digging into his spine.

He stills as he considers his options, straining to see her features more clearly in the dim light of the early morning. His internal clock has no way of knowing what time it is on this planet, but it has to be several hours before sunrise, at least. He brings his attention back to the situation on the floor beside him. Once again, like on the ship just yesterday, he could try to lift her up and put her back in bed. Of course the angle is just as bad - maybe worse, and he'd most definitely wrench his back out if he tried. He could keep still and just stay where he is. That's the most promising option so far. Or he could roll over and wrap his other arm around her and... _not the time._

Option number two wins handily, and he cranes his neck carefully and watches Jyn as she sleeps. Her hand isn't grasping her crystal this morning, he realizes. He's never seen her sleep without a hand grasping for her pendant. Even in the medbay before he found her necklace, she kept a hand fisted at her sternum in a drug-induced slumber. This morning - or is it tonight - she has both hands grasping his arm and wrapped around his upper bicep so tightly he envisions that there will be small hand prints left on his skin when she lets him go. He wonders at what this means as her chest rises and falls gently with her easy breathing. He could be imagining it, but he thinks that the bruising under her eye is improving. The abrasion on her chin isn't visible from this angle, but he hopes the bacta gel is healing that well, too. It's too dark in this room to make out many details. Giless seems to be a quiet planet, unspoiled by uncontrolled industry. The opposite of Fest, with its constant fog of pollution and incessant hum of construction.

Waking up with Jyn his close to him this morning is a good sign, Cassian supposes. He had concerns last night that she would close off from him, keep him at arms length after opening up and allowing him to see her so raw and hurt. Jyn shifts, and her forehead is now resting flush against his shoulder. A rush of affection floods through his chest. Perhaps Mabion was right, he muses, concentrating on how the spot where her forehead is touching his shoulder feels warm. Maybe he is an idiot. He can smell the shampoo she used, mixed with the scent he has come to associate with only Jyn. Option number two may have been a very bad idea, indeed. There are times that being this close to Jyn is physically painful for him. Nearly a decade in intelligence has taught him to wait. Be patient. Restrain himself. His fortitude is being tested, and he wonders how much longer it will be until he breaks. _Just a while longer_ , he tells himself. _It's almost over._

Jyn begins to stir beside him, and he closes his eyes to keep from embarrassing her. Mabion _is_ right, he thinks. He's _definitely_ right. Cassian forces himself to not react to her subtle stretching beside him. She is looking at him when he finally opens his eyes to meet hers, unable to keep from looking at her any longer.

"Couldn't sleep?" He murmurs, skillfully keeping his voice neutral.

She just shakes her head sadly, and he watches something flash across her features. Fear and sadness? Maybe. It's too dark to be certain.

"Bad dream?" He knows a thing or two about those, although guilt keeps him up nearly as much as any unwanted intrusions into his dreams.

She's not sure how to respond. She'd had a nightmare last night, yes, but it was Cassian's dream that propelled her out of the comfortable bed. He woke her from sleep, crying - screaming - in his slumber. She'd crouched beside him on the floor for what felt like eons while she decided what to do. She couldn't understand a single word he'd said, but the anguish was unmistakable. She patted his arm and stroked his cheek and chest until he'd quieted, but when she tried to withdraw, whatever unseen demons he'd been wrestling with clutched at him again. Unable to leave him alone, she'd settled herself beside him, using her arm as a pillow, and keeping one hand on his bicep. The contact seemed to soothe him, so she'd stayed. She tugged the blanket off the bed with one hand, and carefully spread it over them both. Giless is a warm planet - at least at this time of year, but the temperature dipped low tonight and she was a tad chilly.

It might humiliate him to hear that he'd interrupted her sleep with his own nightmare, so Jyn settles on a different version of the truth.

"Yes." Her voice is hoarse, and he can't tell if it is from emotion or sleep or both.

"Want to talk about it?" He slides his right hand into his pocket to keep it still. Keep it to himself. Keep him from gathering her into his arms and never letting her go.

"The usual." She shrugs and tightens her grip on his bicep. "My parents. Dying." _You dying. Falling down the data tower and never getting up. Orleinn torturing you and making me watch. 'Troopers actually hitting their target, and you falling. Falling and not getting back up._ She leaves the rest unspoken. Her typical nightmare for years had just included watching her mother crumple to the ground, her father's anguished cry of " _Lyra!_ " startling her awake. Now she sees driving rain and bombs falling all around her, and she relives her father dying in her arms as she cries out for him.

 _"It must be destroyed."_

 _"I have to much to tell you."_

He should have known. Of course she'd dream about that after last night. "I didn't know that you saw your mother...get shot." Murdered. Executed. He doesn't want to use the words, even though he typically prefers to call a spade a spade. How do you apologize for something like that? How do you convey your sympathy? Sorry seems like such an overused word in this situation. He's so much more than sorry. He's near distraught at the idea of an eight year old Jyn watching her mother die before her innocent eyes.

"It's not your fault." Jyn protests predictably, unable to handle sympathy from others. Or perhaps she is just unaccustomed to anyone caring. Saw never cared to help her process and deal with her loss. Instead he fanned the flames of her anger and pushed her to use it as fuel for her rage. There are times that Jyn starts to realize how dysfunctional her life with Saw really was, but she refuses to dwell on it. Saw wasn't perfect, and he was nothing like her warm, loving parents, but he taught her how to survive in a galaxy that showed her no compassion. Moments like this, with Cassian soft and sympathetic - she has no reference for dealing with this. No past experience to draw on as a framework. He's overwhelming to her sometimes. Deep. Intense. Gentle. Jyn hasn't known gentle since she lived, warm and comfortable, with her parents in the small cabin on Lah'mu. _Don't apologize to me. I can't handle your guilt._ She has too much of her own to know how to process his. None of this is his fault. He has his own guilt, which she regrets. His own demons are real, and she lacks the eloquence to tell him that he deserves none of it. She can't unburden his conscience, even though he deserves someone who can.

"Not with your mother, no." He doesn't finish the thought, and the absurdity of having this conversation here, on the floor, in his friend's house slams into him like a stone wall.

"Not with my father, either." She still feels guilty for blaming him. She shouldn't have added her father's death to the list of crimes she knows he thinks he's committed. He's fought for the Rebellion. He's followed his orders. He's done his part to make the Galaxy a safer, freer place. The things he's done weigh heavily on him, she knows, and it's her fault that her father's demise is added to that list he keeps neatly in his head.

 _"He has the face of a friend."_

"I should have..."

"Stop, Cassian." She raises her head up off the rug and looks him in the eye. "Please stop blaming yourself. I know you did what you could. And you saved my life after. So...It's not your fault." She actually believes him. She believes he had orders - believes he had a clean shot. What motivated him to disobey his orders, she wonders not for the first time?

"It's not your fault, Cassian." If she repeats it, maybe he'll believe it. She may blame the Rebel Alliance or the Council for his death, but even she can understand why the order was given. They didn't know Galen Erso. They had no reason to believe her, a criminal, when she told them he was no Imperial sympathizer. She disagrees with the decision, but the pragmatic part of her - the part raised by Saw Gerrera - knows they were protecting their interests. The machine he built nearly killed them all. Cassian never told her about the attack on Yavin 4, but she knows about it anyway. He's still trying to protect her, she thinks. Still trying to shield her from the knowledge that her father's weapon nearly destroyed them all.

Cassian takes a moment to reflect on how she says his name. The lilt of her accent as his name slides melodically off it washes over his ears. He loves the way it sounds when she says it. He wonders fancifully what it sounds like to her ears when he says her name. It's a question that can never be answered, sort of like why Krennic killed her mother or why her mother decided to forgo the plan and face off against a squad of Death Troopers with nothing but a single blaster. Or where she got the blaster Jyn mentioned.

"I still wish I could have stopped it." He wishes so many things these days. "I wish you could have him back." He knows a little something about wishing he could have his family around him. He's not sure he believes that he's blameless in her father's death, but it is gratifying to hear that she doesn't blame him. He's been afraid to mention it for months, scared to bring it up for fear that she would fling those angry accusations at him again. _"You put him at risk."_ He did. He has so many regrets.

Jyn hasn't had any use for wishes since she was eight years old. "Do you know what the last thing my mother ever said to me was?"

Cassian has no ideas, but he'd bet all the credits in his accounts that he won't like the answer. He's shocked that she's considering sharing this detail with him. He's never told anyone the last words his father ever spoke to him. He holds those close to his heart like a treasure. A secret. He just shakes his head and waits.

"Trust the Force." Jyn snorts derisively. "Not I love you. Not...anything. Just trust the Force."

Words seem paltry here, so Cassian just remains still and meets her eyes. "I'm sure she loved you." He finally rasps, and turns his head to cough. The Force has rarely seemed like something worth trusting to him. Jyn's unwavering faith makes so much more sense now, as does her connection to the Guardians.

"I think she did." Jyn remembers spending time with her mother as a small child. Their walks on Coruscant. Their scavenging for rocks and flowers on Lah'mu. How she'd watch The Octave Stairway over and over again just because Jyn loved it. She'd had to leave the holodrama on Coruscant when they fled, and she'd never seen it again. Her mother tried to recite it for her at first, since she'd seen it so many times she'd memorized it, but it wasn't the same. Jyn stopped asking for it after a few days. She learned to stop missing _things_ early. Possessions were never worth getting attached to in her world. They're just things you miss when you leave. Come to think of it, so are people. Her theories on life are being tested, she muses. Cassian keeps not leaving her. He keeps edging closer to her and coming back for her. He touches her, hugs her. Holds her. And she continually lets it happen. And this morning, when she woke drenched with sweat and near tears, she'd initiated contact with him as she'd crawled out of bed and settled herself on the rug alongside him when he needed comfort. It was all wrong, but she doesn't stop it.

"Where's you pillow?" He changes the subject to ease her discomfort. He can tell she needs to stop talking about this for now. Why can he read her so easily? She's an open book to him now, and he lets that knowledge wash over him warmly.

"It's...uh...up there." She motions to the bed behind her with her chin.

He doesn't ask her why she didn't bring it with her, and she's grateful. She does, however, suspect that he knows what brought her down to the floor. No one lives a life like theirs and escapes without nightmares. She'd never seek comfort for herself. A few months ago she never would have considered offering it to anyone else, either, but Cassian isn't _anyone_.

"Do you have enough room?" He scoots over a few centimeters to give her more space. She follows him, matching his moves, rather than staying where she was and stretching out like he expected. "Here." He moves the pillow a few inches in her direction. "You're neck will spasm."

She hesitates only a moment before moving closer and laying her head beside his on the pillow. The space on the floor suddenly seems suffocating, as if the air was sucked out of the room when they shifted. Jyn takes a shuddering breath and wills her lungs to stop spasming.

"You should get some more sleep." She whispers with her eyes closed. He's too close to open her eyes. It's too intimate. Maybe she can't do this after all. She's not built for this.

"You, too." He's gratified that she isn't moving away from him. She's not shutting him out. He hadn't thought through the implications of sharing his pillow with her before he offered it. Now she's mere centimeters away, and her scent is intoxicating.

"Mmmm." She nods and doesn't respond with more than a hum of agreement.

Cassian spends the better part of the next hour watching Jyn drift into sleep, the steady rise and fall of her chest finally soothes him back into slumber.

* * *

Jyn wakes again a few hours later,quickly rises, and tucks the blanket back around Cassian. She hadn't planned on spending the rest of the night beside him when she'd moved down to the rug. She grabs her clothes and what toiletries she was issued and flees to the privacy of the refresher. Cold water splashed on her face doesn't help much with the lines imprinted onto her skin from the pillowcase. Her hair tie is long lost, somewhere in her cell in Orleinn's stronghold or maybe along the long march from the village. Wherever it is, it's on a different planet now, and she's stuck with leaving her hair down. Honza is unlikely to have anything she can borrow to place her hair in the bun she prefers, what with her cropped hair. She runs her fingers through her own hair a few times to comb it out, and shrugs at her reflection. Black eye and scraped chin. Messy hair. Wrinkle-printed cheek. She's kind of a mess, honestly.

A metallic clatter in the kitchen tell Jyn that she is not the only soul awake at this hour, and she quickly drops off her belongings in her bag and hurries to the outer rooms. Mabion is busily grabbing containers from the shelves, and smiles when he notices her.

"Sorry." He whispers. "Did I wake you?"

"No." Jyn responds quietly, suddenly overcome with shyness. "I just...do you need any help?" Doing something with her hands will keep her mind off the awkwardness she feels.

"Sure. He motions with his free hand to the pile of ingredients he's amassed. "Do you know how to make beans?"

"Um..." The Alliance kitchen hadn't had many fresh ingredients on hand. Mostly she'd reheated and rehydrated. They added fresh vegetables when they had them, but it was a rarity. "I can stir." She confessed, chin up and refusing to be embarrassed by her lack of culinary prowess.

"Then you're golden." Mabion smiled encouragingly, and pointed to a row of small jars and a package of beans as he set about giving her instructions.

In a few minutes Jyn and Mabion have multiple pots cooking on the burners, and she is slicing fresh fruit while Mabion arranges it on a translucent green platter.

"How'd you meet Cassian?" He finally asks, glancing at her with a smile that hides nothing from Jyn.

Jyn just shrugs with practiced nonchalance and responds flippantly. "In a briefing." She can tell he knows the real answer. He either knew already or Cassian told him last night before he went to sleep. Or maybe he told him while they were plotting her escape. Either way, she's not sure she wants to play along with whatever game this is.

"Oh, yeah?"

"You know the rest, don't you?" She drops the knife and turns to face him, accusing. "Do you just want to hear me say out loud that he found me in an Imperial labor camp and pulled me out to get to my father? Do you want me to list off my charges, too?"

It's not what he wanted, not at all. Well, not entirely. He is curious about what she did that landed her in Wobani. And how she survived Wobani. "No, I just..." Now it's Mabion's turn to be embarrassed. He's going to have to change tactics. He hadn't counted on her defenses, but he should have. He used to be the best. Second best, he reminds himself. Cassian was always better. Cassian could read people at a glance and know exactly where to strike, which blows would cut the deepest.

"Cassian is my oldest friend." He tries again, hoping she'll understand where he's coming from. That this line of questioning comes from a place of concern inside him, not from disdain for her.

"Yeah?" She's poised, he notices. Weight on the balls of her feet. Fingers clenched and bent into fists. She fights all of her battles the same way. "He's my _only_ friend." She grinds the words out evenly, trying to keep them free of emotion and failing.

"You'll look out for him, then?" Mabion is no fool. He's not going to get anywhere if he keeps pushing towards her. It's smarter to deflect the blows. Stop the punches before they're thrown. "Take care of him? His droid used to..." He trails off, knowing full well that Jyn is aware of Kaytoo's fate.

"Are you sure you trust your oldest friend with a lowly criminal?" She knows better than to soften just because her opponent is tossing out distractions.

"I trust anyone that Cassian trusts." Mabion hands her a yellow fruit with green-tipped spines and gestures to the cutting board. "And he trusts you."

Her brow is furrowed for a moment as she stares him down. It's intimidating, being on the receiving end of this glare, and he wonders how many men have cracked under the force of it.

"And he's not your only friend." He adds softly, only partly to end her scrutiny.

"What?" It worked. Her eyes are popping with confusion now, not rage.

"Any friend of Cassian's is a friend of mine." He grabs two slices of fruit and hands her one as he pops the other in his mouth. "So you've got at least two." He doesn't tell her what Umed and Jarmo had to say about her. While meant to be complimentary, he thinks that perhaps he should keep that information to himself for now.

"I..." Jyn finds herself deflated and tongue-tied; unable to properly form words. She had not expected this. She sets to work slicing the melon he handed her. "Thank you." She finally remembers herself as she's spooning seeds into a dish.

"Don't mention it."

"No, I mean...thank you." Jyn swallows and stills, spoon and melon poised above the dish. "For helping me. For getting me...out." She pauses again. "And your friends. Or your crew. Employees. Whatever. Thank them, too? Please."

Mabion's stomach clenches as he watches the emotion flicker across the younger woman's face. She's hard to read, for sure, and Cassian hasn't given him much insight into why. This was difficult for her, he understands that much.

"Jyn..." How can he put this in a way that won't frighten her? "I'm glad we could help." That much is true, if incomplete. He'd do just about anything for Cassian, but now that he's met her, he knows he'd do anything for her, too, if only to help his friend. Cassian's girl is a singular entity. One of a kind. She's a fire that can't be doused. No wonder Cassian is entranced by her. He's glad she's on his buddy's side.

"Okay." She almost whispers it, and he's not sure it was meant for his ears.

"Morning." Cassian shuffles into the kitchen slowly stifling a cough, his limp pronounced in the damp air of the cool, early morning. One look and Mabion knows that his friend overheard his most if not all of the conversation with Jyn. A second look tells him he's not happy about it. There's something unreadable in his friend's face, though as he watches Cassian watch Jyn slice fruit for their communal breakfast.

Her gaze is on his hip. His leg. "You should sit." She pulls out a chair with one foot hooked around the leg, worry clearly etched across her face.

"I need to move." Cassian shakes his head and graces her with a smile more bright than he feels. "It'll feel better once I move around a bit."

"You should rest." They hear her mutter softly, and Mabion knows unmistakably that his friend is in good hands.

"Do you need help?" Cassian chooses to ignore her protests, and meets Mabion's eyes above Jyn's head. The look he shoots him tells Mabion that they'll be having words later, but he just shrugs in response to the unvoiced argument.

"Eggs are over there. Go crazy." He points to the obvious bowl of eggs in their shells. "Jyn made the beans."

"Don't worry." Jyn chimes in with a serious tone. "I followed the instructions."

"I never doubted you." Cassian looks at her fondly, even though her back is turned, and Mabion rolls his eyes. _Kids_.

The three set about with their tasks, bumping into each other frequently in the cramped space of the kitchen. Has is the next to rise, followed by Honza, who was drawn out of her comfortable bed by the enticing aroma of freshly brewed caf.

"You all didn't have to do this." She exclaims as her husband drops a kiss onto the bridge of her nose and hands her a mug of warm liquid.

Mabion pulls out a chair for his wife, and encourages the others to sit, as well. They dish out the food, and eat while making amiable conversation. Honza makes a point of complimenting the beans when Mabion tells her that Jyn made them. Cassian enjoys the way she blushes to the tips of her ears when he leans in and murmurs _"they are good"_ when she uncomfortably brushes off Honza's praise.

Cassian helps Has clean up, and the four of them say goodbye to Honza as she heads off to work.

"What does she do?" Has asks with interest as Mabion closes the door.

"Designs, programs, and fits prostheses." Jyn and Cassian both understand this to mean that she fitted Mabion's prosthesis, but neither explains it to Has.

"You have a ship to catch this morning, no?" Mabion glances at Has as he laces his boots. "You said you need to be there by what time?"

"Any time this morning will do." Has is folding up his blanket and fluffing the pillows on the sofa. "I don't leave until mid afternoon."

"You're welcome to stay on." He offers the Dressellian. "I could use another programmer."

"I'm more of a...an...acquisitioner." Has admits carefully, alluding to his less than legitimate business enterprises. "But I appreciate the offer."

"Okay." Both boots laced now, Mabion turns his attention to Cassian. "I'm going to drop him off at the port, then head over to work. Are you staying or coming? You're welcome to make yourselves at home here if you want to rest."

Jyn exits the spare room and glances at Cassian, waiting.

"I'll come with you." Cassian isn't going to pass up the opportunity to tour his friend's enterprise. "Do you want to come or stay?" He turns his attention to Jyn, who's standing just behind him.

"I'll come." She replies softly, uncomfortable at the notion of being left alone in someone else's home.

Jyn grabs her new, dark grey jacket at Cassian's urging and laces her boots quickly. She catches a glimpse of her reflection in the transparisteel of the window as she passes and double-takes at image she sees there. After years of shabby hand-me-downs and threadbare salvages, she barely recognizes herself in these clothes. Only her boots are old now, but she's very fond of them. They're comfortable and worn in just right.

The men give her a moment of privacy with Has to say goodbye when they arrive at the port after Cassian shakes the Dressellian's hand heartily and thanks him profusely.

"Jyn-chan." He tips her chin up and smiles warmly at the young woman. "Take care of yourself."

"Has-ujak." The words choke in her throat. "Thank you.

"The only good things I've ever done were for you and your mother." He admits as he squeezes her shoulder.

"I..." She's never been good at saying goodbye.

"Take care of that young man." Has cups the side of her face paternally as he nods towards Cassian, who is standing a respectful distance away.

"I will."

He turns and walks toward his transport, leaving Jyn standing alone. Cassian and Mabion move to stand close behind her, and Mabion smiles outright as he watches Cassian reach out toward the young woman.

"Hey." Cassian rests a hand on her shoulder gently. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She turns and starts toward the shuttle.

Cassian spares a last glance for the man who saved Jyn's life, and wishes he'd had one more chance to thank him one last time before he hurries to catch up. He doesn't miss the look Mabion shoots him when he reaches for Jyn and wraps his arm around her shoulders.

* * *

The journey to Mabion's warehouse is a short one, but Jyn is grateful for the added warmth of the jacket. The sun is peeking out from behind fluffy clouds, and the day promises to be warm, but the stubborn chill of the early morning is hanging on. She follows the men silently as Mabion shows them around, her eyes taking note of all the hallways and exits on instinct, cataloging escape routes. Some habits are harder to kill than others, she supposes as she mentally organizes the maze of hallways into a floor plan. Saw taught her well. Always know your exits.

She's not paying attention closely as she should after Mabion shows them around for a while, and Cassian catches her craning her neck to see around her.

She misses whatever it is that Cassian asks his friend, but it's in Festian, so she wouldn't have understood it anyway. A few minutes later, Cassian leans close to her ear and whispers "Straight down the hall, first right, next two lefts."

His breath ghosting her ear makes her shiver, and she tries to concentrate on what he's telling her. It takes her a moment to understand that he's answered the question she's been avoiding asking. He's giving her the directions to the restrooms she's looking for. Of course he's read her mind. She gives him a grateful smile and heads off, leaving the men alone for the first time all morning.

Cassian let out a slow breath and turns to face his friend.

"Do _not_ interrogate Jyn." Mabion opened his mouth to defend himself, but Cassian continues. "I know you meant well, but just don't. Jyn will not react well to an inquisition." The last thing he needs now is Jyn distancing herself from him. They've come so far. They've made so much progress.

Mabion had the good grace to look chagrined. "I didn't mean..."

"I know. You've always had my back, but leave her alone. You don't know her like I do." Jyn, Cassian knows, does not appreciate strangers probing into her personal life.

"If it helps, I think she cares about you a lot."

It actually does. "That's not the point." He's still not going to let him off that easily.

"Well, if you're not interested, let me know. Umed wants to know if he can take her out to dinner, and Jarmo and Nevin each called dibs after him."

"They what?" Cassian almost gives himself whiplash turning back around to face his friend.

"If she is, as you keep insisting, not your girl, then I know some guys who wouldn't mind spending some time getting to know her."

"I'll bet." Cassian muttered as he looked around. "How many ships do you have now?" He needs to change the subject before his ire is raised any more than it already is.

"Four." Mabion allows the exchange of topics, but notes that his friend's pulse has quickened. "But we're looking into acquiring one more."

He leads Cassian around a while longer, and points out things his friend might find interesting. Cassian, however, stops paying attention, and checks his chrono nervously.

"Have you seen Jyn?"

"Not for a while." Not since she took off for the restroom. "We'll find her. She can't be too far." Mabion leads the way toward back down the maze of hallways in search of the short brunette. They find themselves in a large storeroom with banks of computers along the far wall.

Cassian breaths a sigh of relief when he spots Jyn, then clenches his jaw at the sight of her companions. She is surrounded by five of Mabion's employees, including Umed, Jarmo, and Nevin. Umed appears to be showing Jyn something inside of one of the processing units. She is stooped down low, head inside the large processor mere centimeters away from Umed.

"There you are."

"Hey." She pokes her head out of the unit, and takes the hand he offers to stand up. Cassian makes a point of tugging her close and wrapping an arm around her waist, fingers splayed out flat against her ribs. His thumb sneaks higher than it should for two strictly professional colleagues and rests on her lower sternum just above the xiphoid. "Mabion has a few errands to run, and then we were going to grab some lunch if you want to come."

"Sure." Honestly she's not sure she wants to intrude on them, as she knows they haven't had much time to catch up since Mabion retired from the Rebellion. However, the concept of lunch is enticing, and she's never been known to pass up food. "See you, guys." She tosses a smile over her shoulder at her new friends and matches Cassian's lanky steps. The arm he had wrapped around her waist slides down and rests possessively on her hip as they walk, and Jyn glances down, confused by the sight of anyone's hand on her body so familiarly. She considers stepping out of his reach on instinct, but thinks twice about it. She really doesn't mind being so close to him, she realizes. It's kind of nice, honestly, but she's not sure why.

Mabion is laughing silently as they brush past him, and Cassian glares at his friend. He's been had. The jerk. It's rude, since Jyn doesn't speak the language, but he can't help himself. A few death threats murmured in Festian make him feel better, but only serve to make Mabion laugh harder. He does not, however, release his hold on Jyn.

* * *

 _A/N: As promised. Apologies for the wait. If this one is darker, then I apologize. It's longer, for sure, and I'm not sorry for that. Apparently every chapter just gets longer. I'm just going to go with it._

 _Thank you ALL who reviewed chapter 17. I honestly was *this* close to deleting it and starting over when it had no response. I do SO appreciate you taking the time to leave kind and encouraging words. Thank you to engineerwenlock (I seriously needed that review. You left that review on a terrible day when I needed encouragement), Autumn, xbecbebex, Villian (you made my day when you left a review. I'd had a bad day at work, and your kind words helped turn things around), lindcita, DirtWaterTomahawk, Moniecat, Capsassian, Guest, Icbacteria, Mademoiselle le Chat, Annalay, and 5dreamcatcher who all left supportive words for me._

 _And I should have clarified that Has Obitt and the Erso's history with him is from Catalyst. Mabion and Honza are all mine, imagined specifically because I love Cassian, and wanted him to have people in his life who love him, too. Stalix and Win are also mine. I thought he'd made it clear in the movie (or at least alluded to) that he lost his family. I loved him too much to have his entire life be loss and pain, so I surrounded him with good souls who cared for him. It doesn't erase the loss of his parents and siblings, but I couldn't make tiny Cassian completely alone. He deserved better. ;-)_

 _I have a tendency to change tenses mid-sentence. If you notice I've messed up, let me know. I tried to catch all the mistakes, but a few always slip past me. I lack precision and patience.  
_

 _Thanks again, and have a lovely weekend._

 _Happy birthday to Mademoiselle le Chat! I hope you have a wonderful birthday and celebrate with something delicious and people who adore you!_


	19. Chapter 19

Cassian's head was throbbing. If he was honest with himself, then he'd admit that it has been throbbing since lunch. He was gamely attempting to ignore it, and the weight that settled in his chest. In less than two days he and Jyn will be at their destination. Everything will be settled. Probably. For now, he just has to carry on. Continue. Push through it. He's pushed through worse. A few years ago he'd broken his tibia in two places and still managed to walk six kilometers through knee-high mud to extract an informant the Rebellion needed. As a child he'd battled through broken ribs and one particularly concerning skull fracture that had bled so profusely that he'd actually thought he was going to die. A little cough and a headache are nothing. He's not looking forward to spending the night on the floor, though, but he will. Jyn deserves a little comfort, and he can give her this. He will do this for her.

Jyn, however, is hemming. She's not as unobservant as people think, and she hasn't missed the way Cassian's eyes are pinched or the way he rubs at the back of his neck. His cough is what worries her the most. Hoth was so cold, and he runs himself ragged. His most recent injury never had time to heal before they headed out on transport after transport, crammed into cargo holds with dozens of bodies in various states of health. She's seen him tired and injured and close to death. She's never seen him sick before. Hopefully it's just a cold. A mild virus. Nothing serious. He's as stubborn as she is, if not more, though. She's going to need a plan.

She's ready to sleep, already changed into the uniform she used last night as sleep clothes. Perched on the edge of the chair in the spare room, she waits for Cassian to return.

"I want you to take the bed tonight." Her voice is firm and steady as he closes the door behind him.

"No..."

She cuts him off before he can finish protesting. "You're not feeling well, and your back hurts. Your leg isn't healed, yet, and you need some rest."

"Jyn..."

"Has isn't here. I can sleep on the sofa. You aren't going to heal if you don't get some rest."

"Jyn..."

"Stop." She rises and places a small hand on his chest. "You're not the only one who can be self-sacrificing."

"You deserve..."

"So do you." He's met his match, and he can't conceal the smile at the sight of her squared off against him. Feet separated, hands on her hips. Chin up and eyes blazing. She's magnificent, like she was on Jedha fighting those Stormtroopers with nothing but a truncheon. He caught sight of her once in the galley kitchens with Staff Sergeant Tro. She'd been laughing, uninhibited. Head tossed back and wide smile as she laughed at whatever the Staff Sergeant said. He'd stopped so quickly at the sight that the person behind him walked straight into his back. He'd barely noticed as the Private muttered apologies, too entranced in the vision of Jyn enjoying herself. Sure of herself. Breathtaking.

"We had this conversation last night, Jyn." There's laughter in his voice. "It's yours."

She hesitates a second before clenching her jaw harder and letting out a quick breath. "Then we'll share it."

Cassian blinks twice at the suggestion. It's not that he hasn't considered it. Dreamed about it. Tried his best to stop visions of Jyn curled up beside him, warm and soft under piles of blankets in his bed. It's not that at all. It's just...

"Fine. If you're sure." He didn't mean to say that, but he can't take back the agreement now. No backtracking. He's tried to let her set the pace, push him away or let him in at her discretion for the duration of their...relationship. If she's offering this, platonic as it may be intended, then he's accepting it. He'd be lying if he didn't admit that he's relieved to not have to spend another night on the floor. The rug is lovely, but the subfloor is permacrete and unforgiving.

Jyn climbs under the blankets, and rolls onto her side without another word. For her, the matter is settled, no matter how hard her heart is pounding against her rib cage. She forces herself to not react as she feels the mattress dip when Cassian sits and settles under the blankets. He hasn't slept in the same bed as another person in years. He was in a relationship years ago. He was twenty, and she was twenty two. They'd tried to make it work, but they were young. He was married to the cause, and never let her in. They fought over all the little things that didn't matter, and he'd never been able to let the little things go. It felt forced and difficult, and he'd understood when she'd walked away. It hurt, but he'd understood. He hadn't even tried to let anyone else in since then. Hadn't even wanted to. Until Jyn. After Nitali left, he'd thrown himself even harder into the job. The cause. The Rebellion had been the only thing that mattered to him for years.

He shifts for a while, searching for a comfortable position. He's not sure what the protocol is here. What if he spreads out in his sleep, intrudes on her space? It still hurts to sleep on his side, so he settles flat on his back. It is much more comfortable than the floor; Jyn was right. He will sleep better tonight if he can manage to fall asleep at all.

"Cassian?" Jyn's voice is small and quiet.

"Yeah?"

She shifts and rolls onto her right side to face him. "I don't think Mabion likes me."

Mabion might die in the morning. Maybe some mild internal bleeding will do the trick. "He does." He assures her. "He told me." He and his friend retired outside for a drink tonight after dinner, too, leaving the ladies to talk and have tea. Well, Honza had tea. Jyn had an ale.

 _"So." Mabion started after a long draw of his ale. "You're leaving tomorrow."_

 _Cassian just nods slowly and takes a sip, savoring the good flavor of Mabion's brew. This is much better than what he can get back at Echo Base._

 _"It was good to see you again." Mabion has missed his friend. He hadn't even realized how much until he was here and they were joking and kidding like they always did._

 _"It was." Cassian isn't good at this part. Mabion is like a brother to him. He always knows how to get him to relax and crawl out of his shell. He has a tendency to get too intense, too focused on the job. Mabion reminds him to loosen up, to enjoy himself. He reminds him of home._

 _"Can I ask a favor?" Mabion tries to keep the smirk off of his face._

 _"Sure."_

 _"Invite me to the wedding."_

 _Cassian just glares at him and takes another swig._

 _"She's nice."_

 _Now Cassian's glare is menacing. "Leave it."_

 _"I mean it." He does. She's rough around the edges, but she cares about Cassian, and that's enough. "She's gotta be...you know? She's so small. Must make the..."_

 _"Stop." Cassian cuts him off angrily. "Stop it."_

 _"What, I'm just saying. She must be..."_

 _"Stop it." Cassian slams his beer down on the arm of the chair. "Do not talk about her like that."_

 _"Hey, I'm just pointing out..."_

 _"I've never touched her." It's not the first time he's considered punching Mabion. He fought with his own brother like that when they were younger. Before. "And you will not talk about her like that."_

 _"Cassian Andor. Ever the honorable." He's always known how to push his friend's buttons. "Never?" He finds that hard to believe. Jyn is a pretty girl, and Cassian isn't hard to look at. He's had women fawning after him since the men met, but he hasn't had eyes for anyone since Nitali._

 _"No. And we are changing the subject now." He will not sit by and allow this line of conversation. It seems disrespectful to Jyn._

 _"She's good for you." Mabion observes. She makes his friend feel again, and that makes Mabion happy._

 _Cassian just smiles softly at that, and tries to think of other things._

"Are you sure?" She's not even certain why it matters to her whether or not Mabion likes her. Approves of her. Whatever. She hasn't cared what anyone thinks of her in years.

"Don't worry about Mabion." Cassian's throat catches a little. "He's a big softie."

 _"Invite me to the wedding."_ Mabion's request rings in his ears.

Jyn slips off to sleep in a few minutes, and Cassian tries not to be envious of her quiet slumber. He spends most of the night trying to not wake her with his coughing. When he finally does drift off he has dreams of a very different nature than the ones from the night previous.

Jyn surprisingly doesn't rise first in the morning. Truthfully, it's been years since she's slept as well as she has the past few months. Near Cassian. Years of sleeping with one eye open, always alert, have left her exhausted beyond comprehension. There's something about Cassian, though. It's safe near him. Secure. Her guard doesn't have to be up all the time. She can actually relax. Sleep. Restore. It's a rare treat.

Cassian wakes feeling like he's gone six rounds with a wampa. No matter. They still have to take off today. Just one more transport and a hike, and then they'll be at their destination. They've detoured and delayed enough. He's not even sure they'll have a ride from the pickup location they'd agreed on before he left Hoth. He spares a glance at Jyn, and can't stop the smile that spreads across his usually stern features. She's on her side facing him this morning, one hand grasping his arm like yesterday. Trust. His heart twinges at the thought of it. He'd asked her once if she trusts him. That night feels like years ago, now. She does trust him. She reaches for him in her sleep. Sleeps soundly beside him. It's nice to have a place to finally allow himself to relax. He hopes she finds the same thing in him.

He allows himself the indulgence of watching her sleep for a few more moments before carefully rising from the warm bed. He tucks the blankets securely around her shoulders and brushes the unruly bangs from her forehead ever so gently with the tips of two fingers. She wore her hair down all day yesterday. He'd never seen it like that before. Even when she sleeps on the sofa in his quarters she leaves her hair tied back. He'd wanted to run his fingers through the silken locks all day long, and finally allows himself the luxury of fingering the soft strands.

Coming to his senses, he snags his bag and heads to the refresher.

Breakfast is a bittersweet affair for the old friends. Neither man wants to to admit that they missed having the other nearby. Jyn and Honza both sense the unsettled nature of the men at the table, and try to keep the conversation moving. Mabion cleans up the kitchen while Jyn and Cassian finish packing their belongings. Jyn's new clothes don't fit in her single bag, and Cassian empties one of his, consolidating two bags into one.

"Here." He offers her the pack. "Use this."

"Thanks." She grins at him, and his heart flutters.

"All packed?" Honza finishes packing up some food for their journey. "I have some food for you. It should at least last you the day."

"Thank you so much." Jyn accepts the parcel, much to Cassian's delight. It warms his heart to see her relaxed and trusting, willing to accept kindness from anyone. She really has made strides in the past few months - even the past few days.

There are hugs all around, and Mabion whispers something Cassian can't hear into Jyn's ear as he says goodbye.

The transport isn't too uncomfortable for Jyn, but Cassian's lankier frame is crammed into a small space that makes if impossible for him to relax. He's sweating and shivering at the same time by the time they land at the landing bay on Monbetsu. Bitterly cold air smacks Jyn in the face as they disembark, and her brow is furrowed as she watches Cassian struggle. He hasn't informed her of the plans or itinerary, but she is certain that he shouldn't be traveling in this condition. He's straining to stay upright and carry his share of the bags, and Jyn lets out a shout as he slips on a patch of ice. Only her hair-trigger reflexes and strong arms around his midsection keep him from hitting the ground.

"Careful." She murmurs into his shoulder, arms still tight around him. "Are you okay?"

"'mm fine." He slurs, and Jyn notes the sweat on his brow and the way he's leaning on her.

"You're not fine." She insists, and arranges his arm over her shoulder. There has to be a hotel nearby where she can tuck him into bed and he can rest.

"Where are we going?" He manages as a coughing fit wracks his body. Jyn stops and lets him catch his breath before taking the rest of the bags and arranging them on her shoulders before grabbing his arm again. They've done this once before, she recalls. On Scarif. He was injured then, but possibly in better shape than he is now. "Have to get to..." He trails off without finishing the thought.

"Don't worry about it." Jyn deflects, not in the mood to argue with an ill Cassian.

Her back is nearly breaking under the weight of all the bags and Cassian, too. When she finds a hotel, Cassian is barely functional as they struggle to the check-in desk.

"Do you have any rooms?" She gasps, grateful not for the first time that she's in good physical condition.

"He okay?" The clerk scowls at the sweaty man mumbling nonsense hanging onto her side.

"He's just tired." Jyn suddenly realizes that only Cassian has credits, and she'll have to fish through his pockets to get them. She leans him against the counter and tries his coat pockets, hoping to find the credit chip. Her fingers find nothing resembling the chip, and she steels herself for the rest of the search. Thankfully, the jacket he's wearing under the soft, blue coat yields what she needs, and she hands it over to the clerk.

"One bed okay?" He leers suggestively at her, and Jyn sighs.

"If it's all you've got." She won't be sleeping much, anyway, she figures, with Cassian as sick as he is. She'd rather save his credits, anyway, since he's in no position to agree to use them on this hotel. The clerk, surprisingly, helps her with the bags while she half-carries Cassian to the third-floor.

"Thank you." She gasps, as she helps Cassian onto the single bed.

"Are you sure he's okay?" Perhaps this hotel isn't as seedy as she'd thought.

"He's not feeling well." Her explanation ends up being moot as another fit of coughs wrack his already shaking frame.

The clerk seems satisfied that he's not overdosing or inebriated, and slips out the door.

Jyn stands alone in the center of the room, unsure of what to do next. She has little experience caring for the ill, and Cassian is burning up. He'd rested his forehead against her cheek as she checked them in, and his skin was burning hot. The last time someone cared for her when she was ill was many years ago; she'd been a small child. Her mother made her soup and tucked her into bed warmly. There is no kitchen in this shabby hotel room, but she can keep Cassian warm. He'll need hydration, too, she knows. He probably packed a medkit, so there might be some medicine in there. Squaring her shoulders, she sets about trying to nurse her ailing friend back to health.

First, she removes his boots, then his coat and jacket. The last two prove to be more difficult, as she has to sit him up and lean him against her in order to shimmy the garments off of his shoulders. His fever has spiked, she fears, and his skin burns against hers. She's not trained for this. She can tourniquet a severed artery and splint a fractured bone in seconds flat, but she's no doctor. Field medicine is simple; stop the bleeding. This is a different animal. She manages to wrestle Cassian under the blankets, and sets about rummaging through his bags to find the medical supplies. She finds three medkits, none of which are sealed. Rifling through them, she finds packs of antiinfectives, pain relievers, and antipyretics. These will only last a few days, at best, but it will have to do. Can she take him to a hospital? Does he have the credits for that? She has nothing worth selling except for her necklace, and she only ponders it for a moment before deciding. If it comes to that, she'll take the best price she can get, and find a way to get him into a hospital. Hopefully his immune system is strong enough to fight off whatever this is, aided by the meager supplies she's found in his bags.

He would be more comfortable in his sleep clothes, she thinks, but the idea of removing garments from an unconscious Cassian is less than thrilling. Perhaps if she can break the fever he'll be able to cooperate more and do the work himself. She finds a canteen and fills it with water from the sink and grabs some medicine.

"Cassian." She murmurs softly, as she lifts his head to rest against her shoulder. "Cassian, you have to drink something. I have medicine for you."

He's murmuring in Festian, and Jyn wishes again that she'd spent time on the planet and spoke the language.

"Come on." Tender hands brush his hair off his sweaty brow. "Just a few sips." She pleads, holding the canteen up to his parched lips.

People got sick in the Partisans, but Saw never waited for them to get well. He'd leave you behind in a heartbeat if you were a drain on resources. Jyn tried so hard to not be useless. To not be a waste of food or space. This is new for her, uncharted territory. She knows, without a doubt, that he'd do it for her, though. If the tables were turned, and she was ill, she knows he'd stay with her. He'd nurse her back to health. If Cassian is willing to enlist the help of his friend and a group of strangers to spring her from the clutches of a criminal gang, then there is no chance that he'd drop her on a corner to fend for herself should she fall ill. She's never had that kind of certainty about another person before. Not since she had a family. Since she was eight. Cassian would help her, she thinks, so she'll help him. It's an easy choice - almost no choice at all.

It takes some coaxing, but she gets him to swallow the antiinfective and the antipyretic. Hopefully the fever will break and he'll be able to rest more comfortably. In the mean time, she wets a cloth and mops the sweat from his face. She rarely has the opportunity to look at him. To really see him. The planes of his face. The angle of his jaw. His skin is flushed with fever, dampened with sweat and the cool water she brushes over it ever few minutes. His hair is damp and sticky and clings to his scalp. She thinks he's beautiful.

Still, she's terrified. He was coughing yesterday, but this hit him quickly. Whatever illness he has, it's knocked him down hard. He works too much, she thinks. Pushes himself too hard, and never rests enough. He nearly died a few months ago, and never truly took the time to heal. Then he was out on missions almost immediately. Got shot, and never healed. Now he's out again, and the everything is taking its toll. She dozes off for a few minutes, back pressed against the wall and Cassian's head on her lap. He's rolled onto his side in his sleep, and a hand brushed against his cheek tells her the fever is gone, at least for now. He has an arm around her waist, and as much as she loathes being pinned down, she refuses to move him. She's trying to not twitch, though, and her instinct is to shove him off of her forcefully and run away. Her heart is racing, her brain reacting to her inability to move even as she takes deep breaths and forces herself to relax. It's Cassian, she repeats silently. This is for Cassian. She can do this. He's not going to hurt her; he's sick. She can give this to him. She can do this for him. She's not stuck or in danger, and she can wake him up at any time and ask him to move off of her legs. She opens her eyes and forces herself to look at him, willing her muscles to relax. To occupy her mind she focuses on running her fingers through his dark hair and hums a song that's been stuck in her head for months. He's less sweaty now that the medications lowered his fever, but she's still terrified. In another hour or so the effect of the medication will wear off. She hopes the antiinfectives were the right choice.

* * *

 _"Cassian." A familiar soft voice calls to him. "Cassian, my love, have some broth. It will make you feel better."_

 _Cassian smiles at his mother's voice, and obediently parts his lips to allow her to spoon soup into his parched mouth. She is the best cook, and she always makes his favorite when he's sick. A few swallows, and he sighs as her soft fingertips stroke his cheek lovingly. He hears her lullaby as he drifts back off to sleep._

 _"Mamá." His voice is hoarse._

 _"Sleep, Love." Gentle hands tuck blankets around his shoulders. He's so cold. "I'm right here." He smiles as her warm arms wrap around him, his head pillowed against her._

* * *

Jyn is anxious. Scared. Terrified. Cassian's fever returns in waves, every six hours as the medications wear off. She's managed to work him out of his stiff shirt and into something soft and stretchy in the moments when he's mostly lucid and afebrile. She half carries him to the refresher and urges him to change into sleep pants and relieve himself. It's been a day and a half, and he's showing no signs of improvement. Patience has never been one of Jyn Erso's virtues. Cassian seems to be hallucinating with fever when it spikes, he's mumbling in Festian, and she's pretty sure she's learned the word for mother. It's endearing that he sees his mother in his fever-induced haze, though. Big, tough Captain Andor sees his mother when he's sick. Jyn hopes irrationally that the family who cared for him after his parents died sat at his bedside when he was ill like his mother must have done. Win, she thinks the woman's name was. Cassian spoke affectionately of her, so she supposes that the woman must have been kind to him. He's lost so much, she thinks idly, as her fingers stroke the hollow under his cheekbone.

She spoons rehydrated soup into his mouth when she can, and mops his brow with a cool cloth. She keeps track of the medication and wakes him for subsequent doses, pouring cool water down his throat with him propped against her to keep from choking. He could probably benefit from a cool shower, she thinks, but there's no way she can manage that. She's strong, but not strong enough to lift him into the shower. Instead she sits beside him, humming softly, and praying to the Force that he'll be okay.

"Don't die, Cassian." She whispers, icy fear gripping like a fist around her heart. She's never cared about anyone like this before. Death was just another part of life in the Partisans. She's lost more people than she can count, but none of them were important to her the way Cassian is. They've been locked in this hotel room for almost a full thirty six standard hours. Jyn only leaves the room to pay for another night with Cassian's credit chips. She hates using his money without his permission, but she can't think of another option. She's a few hours away from finding a hospital for him when a knock on the door.

"Cass, open up." The knocks continue. "Cass, I know you're in there. Jyn? It's Mae. Let me in."

Jyn's muscles relax as she lets out a breath with a whoosh. She carefully moves Cassian off of her lap and sprints to the door.

"Mabion! Thank the Force!" She throws the door open and practically yanks him inside. "How did you find us?"

"I used to be an intel officer." Mabion notices Cassian curled up on the single bed.

"He's sick." Jyn explains as she sits beside Cassian carefully, and picks up the cloth to dab against his forehead again. "I'm not sure what to do."

Mabion glances around and take note of the open med kits, empty containers of rationed soup, and discarded envelopes of medication. He remembers Cassian's cough, and wishes he'd forced him to stay with him. He should have known his friend was getting sick. Poor Jyn, he thinks, as he watches her fret. He could have spared her this worry. She does care about his friend, though, that much is clear.

"What have you given him?" He squats down next to the mattress, and feels for a fever with the back of his hand.

"Paracetaphen for fever, and these antiinfectives." She hands him a spent metallic package so he can read the label. "It said to give them every eight hours, so that's what I'm doing. I'm almost out, though. There's only two more doses."

She pauses so Mabion can read the label. "Should I take him to a hospital? Can I? Is it safe for him - identity-wise, I mean? I don't know what he needs." There are no words to express her relief at having Mabion show up out of the blue. He'll know what to do.

"I think we should give the medications time to work." He stands up and appraises the room, taking in the dark circles under Jyn's eyes and the defeated sag of her shoulders. "Have you slept at all?"

"I can't." Her strangled whisper breaks his heart. "He's sick."

"Jyn." Any fears Mabion may have had about Jyn are washed away. "You need to rest. I'll watch him. Have you eaten at all?"

She gulps as she tries to remember if she's eaten in the last day. There was part of a nutribar a...while ago. She's not sure when. "I think so." Honestly, she's been too worried about Cassian to think about the state of her stomach.

She's humming again, absentmindedly, as she strokes his hair from his face, and Mabion is touched. Cassian found himself a good woman.

"Jyn, lie down and get some sleep." Mabion points to the other side of the mattress, beside Cassian. "If you get sick because you're run down, Cass will kill me."

She hadn't realized how tired she truly is until Mabion arrived and relieved some of the burden. Surely he has more experience with this than does she.

"Take a nap, Jyn." Mabion is moving Cassian off of her, and pushing her over to the other side of the bed. "I've got this. What time is he due for meds?"

Jyn hands him the schedule she's scratched onto the hotel note pad, and protests.

"What if..."

"If he wakes up or anything changes, I'll wake you." He promises as he hands her the blankets. She's wearing the same clothes she had on when he saw her last almost two days ago. He'll get her some food when she wakes. Hopefully Cassian will be doing better by then. When she wakes up he'll get her some food and let her shower. He'd feared the worst when Kentarosan contacted him and said Cassian missed the rendezvous. It only took him four hours to track them down to this hotel, and the clerk was more than happy to give him the room number. It seems he thought Cassian was overdosing and was concerned he'd have to deal with a body and the authorities.

Jyn is asleep the next time he glances in her direction, and he takes a few minutes to clean up the room. It's not dirty, per se, just messy. He organizes the medkits and packs the contents away, takes out the garbage to the compacter, and tosses Cassian's clothes in the sonic washer down the hall. He grabs his com and contacts Kentarosan to update him on Cassian's whereabouts and condition.

Jyn only sleeps for a few hours, then wakes with a start, one hand grasping for Cassian's arm.

"Is he...?" She gasps as she sits up and notices Mabion in the chair beside the bed.

"I gave him a dose of antipyretic, and he's almost due for more antiinfective. He's been sleeping peacefully." That's more than he could say about Jyn if someone asked. She tossed and thrashed, forehead scrunched and names on her lips. "Why don't you take a shower? You might feel better."

Jyn nods and rolls off the mattress. When she returns from her shower, Mabion has given Cassian one more dose of medication, and he's settling his friend back against the pillows.

"Do you want some dinner?" He finishes tucking blankets around Cassian's shoulders and turns to face her. "I'm hungry. I thought I'd grab some food."

Jyn's stomach growls in response, and she crosses the room to crawl across the mattress and sit next to her ailing friend. "Sure. Anything sounds good. Thanks."

"I'll be right back."

* * *

Cassian was confused. He thought he'd heard his father talking to him, but then the voice spoke Basic. His father doesn't speak Basic. His mother is still singing to him, but there are no words to the song - just a melody. Her fingers are caressing his face, though, and he sighs and leans into her touch.

 _"Cassian?" Her voice sounds different. "Don't die, Cassian."_

His mother doesn't speak Basic, either. This is all wrong.

His eyelids are heavy as he struggles to open them.

"Cassian?"

That is not his mother. Cassian remembers himself. He's not six anymore. He's twenty six, almost twenty seven. The last thing he remembers is the transport. With Jyn.

Jyn.

His eyes fly open, and he hears a gasp.

"Cassian!"

Jyn is here. It's her voice he's been hearing. He's propped against her on a mattress in a room he doesn't recognize. Her hands are stroking his hair. His cheeks.

"Cassian, are you with me?"

He manages to croak out a response. "All the way."

* * *

 _A/N: This is what happens when I write when I feel like crap._

 _Thank you all who reviewed chapter 18. I hope you find chapter 19 to be to your satisfaction._

 _Thanks to SandBank, xbecbebex, Jpezcandy, MsOsgood11, Guest, 5dreamcatcher, Guest, Moniecat, rezmutt, lindcita, Mademoiselle le Chat, Icbacteria, TortoisetheStoryTeller, and Maria de Sanctos, who all helped make my Saturday better._

 _Please forgive spelling and grammar mistakes, but let me know about them. I'm pretty medicated at the moment (all legal, all prescription, all used for their prescribed purpose - but I'm still a little loopy)._

 _Enjoy your Sunday (it's Sunday already where I live)._

 _And yeah. I went with the tropes this time. I couldn't help myself. Blame the meds._


	20. Chapter 20

Mabion lets himself back into the hotel room, hands full of take away from a nearby restaurant. He is greeted by a grinning Jyn, who is still seated at the head of the bed, pillowing Cassian's head on her lap.

"He woke up for a minute." She announces, relief palpable on her voice and barely keeping the volume to a whisper. "Coherent and everything."

 _"Cassian, are you with me?"_

 _"All the way."_

 _Jyn could have cried tears of joy at the sound of his voice and the cogent sentence he put together.  
_

 _"Where...?" He rasped._

 _"Hotel. On Monbetsu." She hasn't stopped stroking her fingers gently through his hair, and Cassian can't help himself from leaning into the comforting touch. "You were too sick to go far, and I didn't know where we were headed."_

 _He says nothing for a moment, and Jyn continues. "I had to use your credits, I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do."_

 _"S'okay." He slurs, grateful for her quick thinking._

 _"Are you hungry?"_

 _"Thirsty." His throat is parched, and the inside of his mouth feels like cotton. He's trying to put together what's happening, but he's missing some vital information. The last thing he really remembers is a transport. Cramped space. Stale air that smelled of unwashed bodies and metal and fuel. And then...nothing. How did he get from there to here? In this bed? Why is he on top of Jyn?  
_

 _"Here." She shifts his shoulders a little against her, and leans to grabs a canteen from the table beside the bed. "It's water."_

 _He weakly tries to hold the canteen, but Jyn doesn't let go. After a few sloppy sips, he's worn out from the effort and drops his head back to Jyn's shoulder. It lulls against her clavicle, and he can feel her chin against the top of his skull.  
_

 _"Were you singing?" He finally gathers the energy to ask._

 _"No, sorry." She's blushing; grateful that he can't see it. "I was humming. I'll stop."_

 _"No." He hasn't felt this weak in years. "It was nice." He thought he recognized the tune. "Where'd you learn it?"_

 _"I don't know." She confesses. "It's been stuck in my head for months."_

 _He'll tell her later, when he's regained some strength. He knows where she heard it. For now, he's so very tired.  
_

"Good." Mabion hands her a sandwich. "That's good. Looks like you did everything right."

Jyn hungrily eats her meal, and eyes Mabion anxiously. "How did you find us?" She asks, mouth full. "And why?"

"You're on your way to see an old friend." He explains. "He let me know you hadn't arrived. I got worried. And, you didn't exactly make it hard to find you."

She's taken aback by the last statement. "I...should I have...I didn't..."

"It's fine." Mabion understands her concern. Sweet girl. "You didn't need to. You're not undercover. You did well."

"You guys are close." She observes after a while, impressed that Cassian has a friend who'll come searching for him twice in one week when he's in trouble.

"He's like my brother." Mabion nods, and hands Jyn a container of soup. "I've known him since I was twenty and he was seventeen." He smiles at a memory he doesn't share with her and pats Cassian's arm amiably. "He...he's a good man."

Jyn just nods, and thinks Cassian is lucky to have a friend like Mabion. Their friendship came in quite handy for her, too, she thinks as she recalls her escape from Seregar. Mabion helps her shift Cassian back to his pillow so she can eat the rest of her dinner. She takes up residence beside him on the mattress.

* * *

Before they left Giless, Cassian and Mabion sat her down at the table and had a serious talk with her.

 _"I need some information." Cassian had datapads and a handheld processor. "I need to know who we need to avoid. Is there anyone else that you or any of your aliases need to steer clear of? Have you crossed anyone else? Anyone at all?"_

 _"Cassian, I..."_

 _"I need to keep you...us safe." Cassian interrupted her. "And to do that, I need to know who we need to avoid. People, gangs, places. Is there anyone else who might be angry with you? Anyone with means and a grudge?"_

 _She hesitated a moment before starting into the list. Kestrel, Liana, Tanith, and the others made quite a few enemies. She isn't sure she wants to share this part of her life with them, though, even though Cassian has a point. She never should have come with him. He should have taken someone trustworthy. Someone who wouldn't endanger him just by existing - by association._

 _"I'm sorry." She was embarrassed by the extra work she was making for Cassian._

 _Cassian's heart plummeted. He'd been afraid that this would be a mistake, that it would make her defensive. That she'd run._

 _"You don't need to apologize." Cassian murmurs, hoping his voice was low enough that Mabion wouldn't overhear. "We just need to be more clear about who we should avoid." He's patting her knee under the table, hoping that she'll take the gesture the way he intends.  
_

 _"I'm causing you trouble." She'd protested weakly, but the look on Cassian's face was anything but perturbed or angry. Instead he just shakes his head and moves his hand from her knee to her shoulder.  
_

 _"You're no trouble. I'd just like the rest of the voyage to be less interesting."_

 _ _Mabion had a good grasp of the gangs and activity in this sector, and he recommended a few detours to help them avoid any unnecessary entanglements._ He presses the power button on the holoprojector and illuminates the room with a map of the Core that slowly enlarges to show most of the Outer and Mid Rim territories, as well. Slowly, the three make their way through the last five years of Jyn's life one gang and criminal enterprise at a time._

 _"Ord Mantell is out." She draws an "x" over the entire planet. "And so is Onderon." Saw was from Onderon, and she'd spent almost five months there searching for him after he left her. She'd sabotaged a few Imperial convoys and stolen more than a few hundred credits worth of weapons and other merchandise from a local gang lord before she set fire to his armory and fled as a stowaway on a Corellian freighter._

 _"Do you speak Huttese or can you just swear in it?" Mabion remembers her colorful vocabulary from the trip to Giless._

 _"Mostly fluent at one point." She points to Nal Hutta and Tatooine. "I crossed two rival gangs on Nal Hutta, and made no friends with Jabba the Hutt on Tatooine. He didn't find me to be...appealing enough."_

 _Cassian swallowed the lump in his throat at the thought of what she wasn't adding to that story. The appetites of the Hutts were notorious and unseemly, and he'd heard stories of the goings-on in Jabba the Hutt's palace. He doesn't like picturing Jyn in there, associating with that kind of activity. Why in the world would Saw just leave her alone? At least she wasn't alone in the Partisans. She'd been a child when he took off and left her to fend for herself._

 _The list of places to avoid was shorter than Cassian imagined, and he felt like he'd gained some useful insight into her life before Wobani. Before...him._

 _Mabion asked him about it later that night, outside under the stars._

 _"How'd she end up...?" He doesn't even know how to phrase the question._

 _Cassian takes a moment to decide how much of Jyn's life he should divulge. He trusts his friend implicitly, but this is Jyn's life. Her business._

 _"Do you remember that intel we got right before you left? About Galen Erso?" They'd spent years grasping for leads about what Galen was building for the Empire._

 _"About his daughter being alive?" Jyn, Mabion reminds himself. Her name is Jyn, and she's in his living room._

 _"Mmmhmm." That's what started his search for Jyn Erso. Up to that point, it had been assumed that she'd perished or was in the clutches of the Empire._

 _"She lived with Saw Gerrera for a while."_

 _"The Saw Gerrera?" Was there any unsavory creature in the galaxy this girl hadn't crossed paths with?_

 _"He raised her. Until he decided he was done raising her, and then he took off and left her alone." Jyn explained Saw's reasons for leaving her behind when he'd asked her the night previous, but Cassian is still angry. Angry on her behalf. Angry at the thought of a sixteen year old girl left alone with nothing and no one.  
_

 _"And?"_

 _"She was sixteen." He rakes a hand roughly through his hair, noting that it's getting a little long._

 _"So she turned to crime?"_

 _"She did what she had to to survive." He'd be lying if he said he didn't understand. The Partisans turned their back on her, why would she seek out another Rebel cell? Or the Rebellion? She had no reason to believe that another group would treat her any better, not after the man she'd done nothing but try to please for eight years took off and abandoned her. He'd had to literally bite his tongue to keep from asking her how many other people she trusted have abandoned her in her lifetime. He hadn't understood at first; not when he'd been searching for her. Not even after he met her. But now, with the knowledge he has - knowledge she's given him freely, he can't blame her. They're two sides of the same coin.  
_

 _"Tell me again how she beat the crap of out Melshi." Mabion can tell the topic is too serious for Cassian. His friend takes Saw's abandonment of Jyn very personally. "That's never going to get old."_

 _Cassian swallows as he thinks of Melshi. Ruescott Melshi. Sergeant. Pathfinders. Killed in action. On Scarif. His sister died two months before. Melshi's girlfriend was pregnant. She probably had the baby by now. The little girl will grow up without a father. She'll never know the kind, brave man who gave her half her DNA. The pressure in the back of his skull is gaining intensity. "Do you think you'll have more kids after this one?"_

 _Mabion knows his friend well enough to allow the new topic._

* * *

Hushed voices draw Cassian back toward consciousness. He's so fatigued, but feels better now than he did the last time he opened his eyes.

"Hey." Mabion nods at Jyn to direct her attention. She's sitting cross-legged on the mattress beside her friend. Her fingers of her left hand draw mindless circles on Cassian's shoulder and brush through his hair. Mabion would bet his new ship that she doesn't even realize she's doing it.

She glances down and smiles at dark brown eyes.

"Welcome back."

"D'I go somewhere?" He's still tired and slurring.

"Very nearly." Mabion chimes in, and Cassian slowly turns his head to see his friend.

"How are you feeling?"

"Unmh." He's not sure how to answer that. "You...?"

"Came looking for your skinny ass when you didn't meet Kentaro."

"Sorry." He gasps, out of breath from the effort of speaking, and then coughs weakly.

"Do you want some soup? It's real. Not the rehydrated kind." Jyn rises to her knees and reaches across him to grab the soup off the bedside table. Mabion smiles as he notices that his friend is not so ill that he fails to react to the sight of Jyn's top stretched high up on her torso as she reaches for the container.

"Soup sounds good." He struggles to push himself up to a sitting position, and takes the proffered container and spoon. It's just on the warm side of room temperature, but no matter. It's soothing and delicious. He finishes the entire container, and then picks at the bread Jyn hands him.

"You gave us quite a scare." Mabion would be lying if he said he hadn't been worried.

"Sorry 'bout that." He has the good graces to look chagrined, but does feel better after eating.

"I did a little research." Cassian's eyebrows raise as he waits patiently for the rest. "Looks like there's a strain of pneumonia going around Nunionio. You said you were there for a bit, right?"

Nunionio. That was their first stop. They were only there for a few hours - just long enough to disembark and board another transport. Bad luck.

"Pneumonia?" Jyn remembers the last time she had pneumonia - or at least she assumes that what it was. She'd been as sick as Cassian, feverish and hallucinating. She'd woken from fever after a week and a half in a doorway of an abandoned building with rain pelting her, soaking her through to the bone. She'd felt puny for weeks after recovering, but she figures Cassian's immune system is probably stronger than hers. The Rebellion probably gives their officers immune boosters to protect them against these sorts of illnesses. Saw couldn't afford those luxuries, so Jyn finds herself prone to all sorts of illnesses. With horror, she wonders how soon she'll be sick with whatever Cassian had. She's caused him enough trouble on this trip already, and they haven't even reached their objective, yet.

Cassian hasn't responded, but she can feel him watching her.

"Thank you, Jyn." He reaches out a hand and rests it on her knee, long fingers wrapping around the joint, tucked and fitting into the space behind her bent knee.

"You were really sick." She doesn't push his hand off of her, and Cassian smiles at her fondly.

"I'm feeling better." He promises, and give her leg a squeeze.

"Looks like she's sort of a savant of a doctor." Mabion saw the raw terror in her eyes when he showed up at the door. "There are reports of deaths from that strain."

Jyn sucks in a shaky breath as Cassian squeezes her knee again. "Maybe you have a future as a physician."

She doesn't know how to respond to this. Jyn never considered having a future at all, much less as a physician. With no formal schooling to speak of it seems far-fetched. Still, no one has ever taken the trouble to imagine her as anything other than a soldier before. Maybe a criminal. A weapon. Never anything...good. Honorable. The Partisans were never concerned with honor.

"When do you have to leave?" Cassian queries Mabion to take the focus off of Jyn. He knows how she hates being the center of attention.

"I left Umed in charge. He's got things covered for now. I told Kentaro that I'd get you two to safely there."

"You don't have to..."

"I should have made you stay at my house when you started getting sick." Regret is sour on Mabion's tongue. A good friend would have insisted Cassian stay and convalesce. He could have spared Jyn an ordeal, and Honza has contacts at a local clinic. He could have had real medical care. Still, Jyn seems to have done everything exactly right.

"I wouldn't have stayed." As nice as it was to see his friend again, Cassian wouldn't have intruded on their hospitality for that long. He especially wouldn't have stayed and put Honza at risk of contracting whatever this was. "Honza..."

"I sent her a message." Mabion pats his friend's shoulder. "She has a friend who's a doctor. She got an immune booster today to make sure she doesn't get sick."

"Good." He'd never forgive himself if something happened to Mabion's wife or the baby because of him. More names to add to his personal body count. He can't be responsible for that, too. Still, he can't bring himself to regret calling Mabion for help, though. Jyn needed him. It wasn't a solely selfish act; it was for Jyn. He tells himself that again and again as the guilt eats away at him. If he's the reason something happens to Mabion's wife or unborn child, he'll never forgive himself. It was for Jyn. For Jyn.

Both men startle and turn suddenly at Jyn's sudden movement. She's falling asleep sitting up, head bobbing and neck bent at a painful-looking angle.

Cassian reacts first, snaking out both hands and tugging her down to the mattress, gently guiding her head to the extra pillow.

"M'awake." She protests feebly, and Cassian smiles at her obstinance.

"No, you're not." He whispers, brushing the hair from her eyes. "And that's okay. Get some rest."

"You're..."

"I'm feeling much better."

She just nods with her eyes closed. Her lips part as she forms soundless words while Cassian rubs her shoulder affectionately.

Neither man speaks for a few minutes while Jyn settles soundly into slumber. Cassian's eyelids are heavy, as well, but he's not sure he'll ever tire of the sight of Jyn asleep beside him.

"She sleeps a lot." Mabion observes when he's sure he won't wake her. This is the fourth time in as many days that he's caught Jyn sleeping next to Cassian at odd hours.

Cassian just shakes his head slowly and smiles. "I'm betting she hasn't slept in thirteen years. I think she deserves a few hours nap."

"Thirteen years?" Mabion sounds skeptical.

"My guess is not since her mother died and the Krennic kidnapped her father." He understands, though, as much as he hates to admit it. Nearly a decade in intelligence left him unable to sleep soundly, too. He used to wake at the slightest noise, the drips of water falling from the ceiling of his quarters on Yavin 4 woke him up every night for months.

"Poor kid."

Sleeping light is a survival strategy in his line of work. It probably was for Jyn, too. Cassian hasn't asked, not yet, but he wonders if she was safe in the Partisans. A young, pretty girl is a target in this galaxy. Did Saw keep her out of harm's way? What about Wobani? The other jails and prisons she'd found herself in? She'd fallen in with various criminals and unsavory characters after Saw left her, too. How many reasons does she have to stay awake and keep her distance? Lash out before someone hurts her. He'll ask someday. Probably. Maybe he doesn't need to know. Maybe it's more important to focus on the fact that she sleeps now, safe. Beside him. Comfortable and warm. He barely recognizes himself these days, he realizes. Four months ago the only thing he cared about was the cause. The Rebellion. The chance to make a difference in the galaxy. His universe feels smaller now, but no less important.

"Yeah." He lets out a yawn. "I need a shower." His skin feels slimy, and he can't touch his hair because it needs washed so badly.

"You got it?" Mabion rises to help Cassian up, the sick man's legs shaking as he rises.

"I think I can handle it." He points to a bag of his belongings. "Hand me that, will you?"

The room is frigid as he returns from the refresher, damp hair dripping onto his shoulders. He'll need to shave at some point. The facial hair is getting out of control; nearly committing itself to a full beard. The versatility of some facial hair was useful in Intelligence. It's easy to infiltrate a location and change your appearance quickly if you need to make a getaway. It's unruly now. Too long. At least he's clean now.

Jyn is wearing her tattered uniform, but she's fallen asleep on top of the blankets. The last thing he needs is her getting sick, too. His eyes land on her threadbare socks. She needs new ones. Warm. Thick. Without holes. How long has it been since someone worried if she was warm enough? Other than him. Her feet must be cold. They'll need to grab her some new socks before they set out tomorrow.

"Help me with this." Cassian drops his bag, and motions to Jyn. He moves to the other side of the mattress and folds the blankets up.

"How are we doing this?" Mabion whispers, unsure of Cassian's plan. He can lift her and move her; she's small enough to make it easy for him.

"No." Cassian ends up sitting on the mattress and coaxing Jyn to roll toward him.

"Come here, honey." He has an arm under her shoulders, sliding her toward the bare sheets as Mabion moves the pillow with her. She doesn't wake, but makes a humming sound of disapproval as he pulls her legs over while Mabion unfolds the blankets to cover her. The effort has tired him, and Cassian stumbles over to the side of the bed he's been inhabiting for the past two days. You'd think that after sleeping for almost forty hours straight he'd feel rested, but that's not the case.

"Where are you staying?" The hotel room doesn't have a second mattress. Mabion needs somewhere to stay. He's split a mattress platonically with enough fellow soldiers in the past, but Jyn may not appreciate a third body taking up space.

"Can they bring in a cot?"

"I'll ask." Mabion rises and grabs his coat off the back of the chair. "You don't mind?"

"You came all this way and found us here, you stay here if you need."

"I can sleep on the ship."

"It's warmer in here." Only by a few degrees, but warmer. Maybe. Or maybe he's just warmed by the thought of Jyn curled up next to him.

"Be right back."

Cassian tries to force himself to stay awake until Mabion returns with a cot and bedclothes. His efforts fail, however, and Mabion finds him asleep sitting up.

"Hey, buddy." He shakes his friend awake. "Lay down and sleep." The last thing he needs is Jyn angry with him for not making sure Cassian slept soundly. That girl is a spitfire. He reaches to flip the button for the lamp, but Cassian stops him.

"Leave it on."

"What?"

"Light on." He's mumbling, and barely coherent.

"Why?"

"Jyn." He rasps. "On." She doesn't like the dark, he thinks. Back on Yavin 4 and Hoth she'd leave the lights on when she slept in his quarters. They'd all be blazing when he'd come in to find her curled on his sofa. Rationing electricity was a necessity, so he'd started leaving the light to the refresher on for her. It wasn't much, with the door mostly closed, but it was enough. There's a reason she doesn't like the dark. He doesn't know it, yet, and maybe he never will. But he can leave a light on for her if it helps her sleep.

"She's afraid of the dark?" Incredulous.

"We're all afraid of something."

* * *

 _"Run!"_

 _Cassian is running. His lungs burn and the earth smells scorched and damp at the same time. His blaster is warm, and his leg hurts just below the knee. He trips on a root and lands flat on his stomach with a thud. Rain pelts his face as he adjusts his scope and fits the butt of the rifle snug against his shoulder. Line up the sights. Just like always. Galen Erso is in the cross hairs. Then it's Tivik. And Melshi. Bodhi. Dozens of other faces. Jyn. She's facing him, looking at him as he pulls the trigger. She falls, dissolving. Disintegrating into white, hot sand and flames. Then he's running again. The suns are bright overhead, and something explodes behind him. He dives into the earth, arms covering the back of his head as his blaster skitters across the dune. Scrambling on hands and knees he grabs his weapon and low crawls out of sight, grains of sand blasting his face like shards of glass. She's there. In front of him. Her mouth is open like she's talking to him. Questioning. There's a hole in her stomach. Gaping. He can see straight through. There's light shining through where her spine should be._

 _"Pull the trigger, Son." He's nine and petrified with fear. Blasters fire around him. Above him. Someone is crying. Then the crying stops. "Do it!"_

 _Adjusts the sights again, and tries to not wince as his index finger twitches against cold metal. He sees her fall. She's falling off the data tower as her father's legacy blooms above the horizon. She's calling to him. Green light lances through the sky, shattering the air. He can still hear her calling to him.  
_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Why?"_

 _"I..."_

He wakes with a startled gasp, damp and sweating, pulse pounding in his ears. Jyn. She's here. She's beside him. Asleep. Not bleeding or dying. He needs to touch her. He hasn't needed to touch someone in years. The ache in his chest has nothing to do with the cough. He shouldn't do this; shouldn't take these liberties. He should be stronger than this. Draven taught him better. Stalix expected more. Ignoring them both he reaches for her, slides an arm under her neck and shimmies beside her. Stretches out alongside her, and molds his body to hers. He can feel her heart beating against his chest. His arm rises and falls with her even breathing as he winds it under her arm and rests his hand on her stomach. It's softer than it was a few months ago. Less gaunt. Better fed. The knowledge warms him. Calms him. She'd looked so bony and frail in the medbay. Hungry. Small. He tried to feed her when she was released. Ate with her in the galley. Made them dinner in his quarters. Put a kilo or two on her frame. Let her sleep without her stomach gnawing and pleading for sustenance. Cassian remembers hunger too well. After Win died and Stalix disappeared, he'd been hungry. Thirteen and growing quickly. Alone. Scared. Afraid to sleep. Wanting nothing more than a meal or the mercy to sleep and not awaken.

She's warm and real here, and Cassian lets it sink into his bones. Calms his thready pulse. He evens his breathing and matches hers as he pushes his face against her hair. He shouldn't be doing this. It's indulgent, and he knows better. He's been trained better. Deny. Resist. He should move. He should release her. Then she makes a humming sound, short and clipped, and moves - _moves_ against him. Pushes against him, further into his arms. His eyes slip closed as he inhales. His muscles feel like putty, and her heart continues beating against his chest. He can't move. He can't go back.

* * *

 _A/N: You guys are so kind to me. Seriously. It's been a rough week, and your thoughtful reviews lifted my spirits._

 _This one is shorter, because I need to get out of my head for a minute. I hope you enjoy it. Work was light the past two days, so I had time to think and add plots and story lines._

 _Thanks so much to engineerwenlock (seriously thank you), Icbacteria, Guest, Guest, Guest, Ellamena, SW (you are a beautiful soul), 5dreamcatcher, Mademoiselle le Chat (I'm feeling better, thank you), Vilian, SandBank, lindcita, xbecbebex, and Capsassian. Much love to you all._


	21. Chapter 21

Jyn awakens feeling warm, and not just physically. It is difficult to tell with the lamp burning if the sun has risen, yet. Suns? She realizes that she'd been too consumed with concern for Cassian's health to even look up and notice what celestial bodies this planet orbits. Is it a moon? She has no idea. She lets out a contented sigh and feels something tickle across her abdomen. Awareness slowly permeates her senses as she catalogs and counts limbs. Two left arms. At least three legs. Something warm tickling her left ear. Something solid beneath her neck. She shifts slightly and notes the response from the body behind - around her. Arms tightening, pulling her closer. One leg drawing hers behind. Cassian.

She's touched his body more in the past few days than she'd touched anyone in over a decade. His skin under her palm doesn't feel overly warm. There is no evidence of night sweats soaking through his shirt and dampening hers. He's just warm. It's a concept that she's unintentionally come to associate with Cassian. Warm tea. Warm blankets. Warm jacket. The tip of her nose is cold, and her cheeks feel chilly in the early morning air. The rest of her body is pleasantly warm.

She's not sure who initiated this contact in the middle of the night, and she takes a moment to evaluate her thoughts on the matter. Typically, Jyn hates being held; resists being pinned down or confined. Old habits die hard, and she's never quite overcome the fear of immobility. Lie trapped under a man twice your size while he bleeds to death once or twice, and she figures anyone would develop a similar aversion. This feels different somehow, though, and she's not sure why. She never spends the night with anyone. Not anymore. Jyn Erso never had any romantic notions, but Kestrel Dawn and Tanith Ponta learned a few lessons the hard way. By the time Liana Hallik was born she'd understood that human contact was nothing but a complication sure to end abruptly and poorly, and leave you feeling used and alone. This is different, and it takes her several minutes to put her finger on exactly why.

Trust.

It slams into her, this realization. She hasn't trusted anyone since Saw left her and took what was left of her innocence and blasted in into oblivion. In spite of her better sense, her hard-won lessons, and the mantra on repeat that plays in the dark spaces of her brain, she trusts him. He asked her once, if she trusted him. She'd said yes without thinking about it. She trusted him to get them places safely. To fly a ship or wield a blaster with precision. She trusted him to let her sleep in peace on his sofa, never fearing wandering hands or even sloppy, drunken advances. She should have trusted him to come for her, she realized too late on Mabion's ship on Seregar. She trusted him to let her sleep in peace beside him in a bed on Giless. This doesn't feel like the leap she assumed it would be, this relaxing into the sensation of him cocooned around her. Something in her chest squeezes as another lesson that Jyn accepted as truth for so many years falls away. There are some people worth trusting in this craphole universe.

Jyn moves her hand, fingers experimentally sliding over the skin on the back of his wrist. Something about the feel of him, warm and hard and soft at the same time relaxes her. She shifts again, testing. Rolls a little onto her back. His chin is scruffy as it presses against her temple. She turns her head toward him and inhales. This is new. Sparkling. Electrifying. Comforting. The hand he'd rested on her stomach moves to wrap around her ribs, fingers tucking beneath her, curling around her scapula. Satisfied, she drifts back to sleep.

Cassian wakes more quickly a while later. He slept well, which is unusual for him, not plagued by guilt and nightmares. Jyn is still beside him. Against him. Tangled with him. She's on her back now, head tucked beneath his chin. Her breath is warm on his chest. His leg has slung over hers, and now rests between them. It's his left hand that worries him and excites him at the same time. Warm fingers wrap around her ribs underneath of her, but his thumb - his thumb is stretched out over part of her distinctly not rib cage. Too round. Too soft. He tugs his hand free and moves it slightly south to safer territories. He has no business pawing her. No permission to handler her like that. He feels giddy and dirty at the same time This can't last, though. He's lucky she didn't wake first and wallop him. Slowly, carefully, he extricates himself from her, his body feeling instantly chilled at the loss of hers against it. _Not the time._

He heads to the refresher with a change of clothes and stifles a coughing fit until the door is closed. He doesn't see the brown eyes that follow his escape.

Jyn wakes as soon as she feels him move. She'll feign sleep a while longer, she decides. Let him have his dignity. He'd pulled away from her pretty quickly after waking. Accident. Disgust? She won't dwell on how that makes her feel. It's not important. He hadn't meant to wrap himself around her in his sleep, given how rapidly he ran away from her. She's been wrong before. Nothing has changed. Focus. Mabion is moving around the room now, cloth rustling behind her. If she stays here any longer, it will just be more awkward. Quick is better. Get it over with. She pushes herself to a sitting position and stands quickly.

"Morning." She hopes her voice betrays none of the disappointment she's pretending she doesn't feel.

"Sleep well?" Mabion's eyes twinkle, but she misses it as she grabs her bag and finds a change of clean clothes.

"I did." That's honest. "You?"

"Not bad."

Cassian exits the refresher, and Mabion catches the pause in his step, but only because he knows him so well. This hitch has nothing to do with his recent blaster injury. He smiles knowingly at his friend.

"Feeling better?"

"A bit."

Mabion smiles at him roguishly, and Cassian knows he was caught. He'll get hell for this later, he figures.

Jyn slips past him into the refresher to change without a glance, and Cassian's gaze follows her, lingering on the closed door.

"Not your girl, huh?" Mabion wastes no time.

"Don't start." Maybe he'll get hell for this now. Cassian presses his thumb and index finger to the bridge of his nose.

"Do you want to tell me about that?"

"No."

"Cass..."

"Not here." His voice is harsh. Hushed. "Not now."

"Later." Mabion nods, and continues packing up Cassian's things. "Are you fit to travel?"

"I'll make it." He's not looking forward to the walk. Not in this cold. He's not entirely certain he will make it, but he doesn't want to waste any more time or money here. Just a few hours, then he can rest.

Jyn emerges from the refresher, and Cassian glances at her from the corner of his eye. Her face is pink, like she washed it in hot water. This is probably her last set of clothes, he tallies. They'll need to do laundry or buy more. And socks.

"Bundle up." He urges Jyn. "We'll be walking part of the way."

"Can you?" She's in front of him now, crease between her eyes as they narrow. "You were unconscious _yesterday_."

"No hiking today." Mabion assures them. "We're flying."

"There's no transport..." Cassian starts.

"I never said there was." Mabion was always a bit of a loose cannon. "But there's a ridge close by with a clearing large enough. And Kentaro will meet us there."

Cassian is relieved, but he won't admit it aloud. He wasn't sure he'd make it the whole two hours on foot. It would probably be longer, he reasons, now that he's ill. Even if he's feeling better, his lungs are still full of fluid that rattles when he coughs. His legs feel less like pudding today than they did last night, but he's not sure he'd make it the whole way.

Jyn fastens her jacket, and shrugs into the new coat. This is the first time she's worn it. It fits perfectly. She ties the band at the waist and smooths the fabric over her thighs. This might be the first warm coat she's ever had. She tugs the hat down over her ears, and shoves her hands into the gloves Cassian laid out on her bag. She didn't even know he'd purchased gloves for her. These are nicer than the ones she has. She finally convinced the quartermaster to issue her a pair on Hoth, but they are far too big. Her hands are bulky and clumsy, and she can't even work a blaster when wearing them. These fit almost perfectly.

"Here." Cassian stills her with a hand on her shoulder. "You'll get cold." He winds the purple scarf around her neck, and tucks the ends into the coat before pulling the fur-trimmed hood over her head.

His fingertips brush against the skin of her throat when he tucks in the edges, and she feels a pang of unexpected sadness in her stomach. "Thanks." Her crystal hangs heavy, pressing against her sternum.

She gathers her share of the bags, but Mabion just takes them from her and heaves them onto his shoulder. She frowns at him, and he shrugs one shoulder before turning to exit the hotel room. Still frowning, Jyn grabs the bags off of Cassian's shoulder and settles them on hers.

"You're sick." She retorts before he can protest, and stalks out the door after Mabion.

Cassian stands, confused, for a moment before following.

Jyn's senses are overwhelmed as they make their way through the bustling port. There are bodies everywhere, pushing and jostling. Smoke and incense and the scent of cooking spices waft through the streets. Jyn's stomach grumbles in response to the smell of cooking food. The cold is biting, and she shrugs her shoulders and burrows further down into her coat.

"Are you warm enough?" Cassian's face is in front of hers, and she wonders if her hearing was muffled by the hood. How many times has he asked?

"I'm fine." She smiles at him, but it feels forced. "Are you?" He's bundled in his blue coat, and she wishes she could bury her face in it again. Wrap it around her and breath in his scent. It's not going to happen. He's not interested. Strictly professional. She can do this. He's still her friend. She still owes him her life. She can be pleasant.

"I'll be fine."

"But you're not now." She can't help arguing with him. It's part of what they do.

"Hey." Cassian tugs on the shoulder of her coat and drags her across the street. "Mabion!" He calls to his friend.

After a quick transaction, he's pressing something into her gloved hands.

"These are good." He promises her as he hands one to Mabion, and takes a bite.

Jyn looks at the item in her hands. It's round and flat on two sides. Browned, like it was baked or grilled. She removes one glove and lets the heat of it sink into her fingertips. Taking an experimental bite, she smiles at Cassian, green eyes sparkling.

"What is this?" She asks with her mouth full.

"Monbetsu specialty." He smiles back at her, relaxing. She's seemed upset all morning, but the light is back in her eyes now. "Oyaki."

Jyn finishes off her...dumpling? She's not sure how to characterize it. It's stuffed with mushrooms and pickled vegetables, and it's delicious.

"Another?" Cassian asks his companions.

"Let's see what else there is." Mabion is already heading to the next food stall.

Cassian flashes an unguarded smile at Jyn and places a hand gently between her shoulder blades. She glances up at him briefly, and furrows her brow in confusion. He's looking at her - _looking_. Like she's...Jyn shakes her head and walks towards Mabion. He seems to have found another stall selling something that interests him. She stops abruptly as a young girl in a colorful robe tied with a large sash trots in front of her, followed by two other children in similar garb. Jyn stands still and watches them play, laughing gleefully. No cares at all. She can't remember ever being that carefree. Cassian pauses beside her, and reaches out a hand as if to grasp her shoulder, but seems to thing better of it, and pulls his hand back to his side.

"Hey, you two." Mabion is handing them something on sticks. "Try this."

Jyn is puzzled by what he's found, and looks them over carefully. Each stick has something different on it. One has three colors of spheres; pink, green, and white. A second has three white spheres that appear to be covered in something sticky. The third is flat and long, more chunky, and covered in some sort of sauce.

"Ladies first." Mabion presents all three to her for a choice.

"What is it?" She asks quizzically. She's not a picky eater, she hasn't had that sort of luxury. But she is curious.

"No idea what it's called, but it's delicious."

"You've had this before, then?"

"Sure." Mabion shrugs.

"Then, what do you suggest?"

He considers her question, and then hands her the stick holding the three spheres covered in sticky sauce. She sniffs it experimentally as Cassian grabs the tricolor version and pulls the pink sphere off the stick with his teeth. Taking an experimental taste, she is pleasantly surprised. Savory, and a little sweet. The sphere itself is chewy and somewhat sweet. Overall, the treat is quite satisfactory, and she finishes the rest heartily, and Mabion wraps an arm around Jyn and leads her down the alley past a few more food stalls.

"There's a tradition here, where you go from place to place and eat something different everywhere. You're supposed to eat until you feel you'll explode. Let's go for it, huh?" He's smiling at her, cheeky and wide, and Jyn can't help but smile back. "Kuidaore." He clarifies in his best approximation of the local dialect.

The three of them carry on down one alley and then another, sampling foods and beverages. Cassian drags her by the elbow from one stall with skewers of meat brushed in sweet and savory sauce to another with fish-shaped breads filled with red beans. He drops his grasp down to her wrist as he pulls her after Mabion when the taller man spies a stall selling large round crackers brushed with salty sweetness. Jyn has never had a day like this. Carefree. Friends. More food than she can finish. She's having such a good time that she nearly forgets her discouragement from this morning. It's like she told herself earlier. Nothing has changed.

Cassian finds a noodle dish with bright pink pickles on top and flecks of meat and vegetables that he especially likes. Mabion goes crazy over a thin frittata-like dish with multiple sauces and some sort of green flakes. Both were good, but Jyn prefers a starchy root vegetable that's been grilled until the insides are sweet like caramel. They duck into a tea shop to warm up after snow starts falling in thick, white flakes. Mabion brushes the snow off of Jyn's shoulders and helps her out of her coat before hanging it on a hook by the door next to his. He turns and holds out a hand for Cassian's jacket and rolls his eyes at the look his friend is shooting him.

They order caf and toast all around, and Jyn excuses herself to find the restroom.

"What are you playing at?" Cassian waits until she's out of sight before facing Mabion, eyes blazing.

"I'm not playing any games, Cass. Just being friendly. I happen to like her." Mabion just leans back in his chair casually. "But you are going to lose her if you're not careful."

"Not to you!" His head is swimming. "You're married, you can't even..."

"No, not to me, you idiot. You really are dense, you know that?"

"You keep reminding me."

"Are you going to tell that poor girl..."

"Here you are!" An overly cheerful sounding droid dropped off three mugs of steaming caf. "Would you like milk with that? Sugar?"

"Please."

"Who had the cheese toast?" Another droid, much less cheery than the first, tosses a plate to the empty chair where Jyn was sitting.

"Honey toast?" Cassian raises a finger, and tries to take the plate before it can be thrown at him.

"Jam toast for you, then." The last plate is tossed toward Mabion, clattering a few times before he steadies the rim between his thumb and forefinger.

"That was fast." Jyn observes as she slides back into her chair and takes a sip of her caf, savoring the warm liquid as it slides down her throat.

Cassian takes a bite of toast, wincing at the dryness and washing it down with his caf. He ponders Mabion's warning for a moment, trying and failing to not turn his head and watch Jyn as she listens to Mabion's enthusiastic retelling of the time he and Cassian broke into the bar on the Rebel base and stole four bottles of Corellian gin.

"You stole something? For real?" Jyn is smiling at him. "You? I don't believe it." He's such a stand-up, by-the-rules kind of guy.

"This guy..."

"Oh, I believe he knows how, I just can't believe that he did. Steal from the Rebellion? Seriously?"

"From the bar." Cassian corrects her. "And it was for a good cause."

"What cause?" Jyn is incredulous.

"Our inebriation, of course!" Mabion clinks his mug to Cassian's.

"And a few favors, as I recall."

"Ah, yes. Favors." Mabion has a wistful look on his face as he recalls whatever favors he traded for his bottle of gin. Cassian and Jyn both laugh at that.

Neither man seems keen to elaborate on the nature of these favors, so that leaves Jyn to her imagination.

Mabion insists on paying the tab, and the three bundle up again and head back out into the cold. The wind has kicked up and snow is swirling around them, falling heavier now. They all slip and slide along the icy streets until they finally make it to Mabion's ship. This one is smaller than the freighter they'd used before. It's a tight fit for three people, clearly only meant to shuttle one or two.

Cassian is gasping for breath from the effort of walking around all morning. He coughs into his elbow a few times while Jyn unfastens her coat and shakes the snow off her scarf.

"Sit." She points to the open chair next to Mabion.

"No..."

"Sit!" Jyn is stern as she pushes him toward the seat, then secures their bags in the cargo bin.

"Do you have any meds on this thing?" She pokes her head between the two friends and looks pointedly at Mabion while he communicates with the ground and performs his preflight checks. She's worried about Cassian. He's up and conscious, but he's still coughing and tired. He was so sick. She wishes he could be in his own bed.

"No, sorry."

Jyn frowns and holds on to the back of the seat Cassian is occupying as they escape the ground. She reaches a hand around and presses the back of it to Cassian's forehead.

"No fever." He hears her murmur, and he wonders if she remembers her mother doing the same thing when she was a girl.

"Just a few minutes." Mabion pilots the craft expertly, and the sights rushing past the viewport are breathtaking. Jyn stands in awe of the tall, green trees gently draped with snow, branches laden and drooping under the weight of it. He guides the small shuttle along the side of a mountain, and Jyn spots a large bird soaring across a stream. The snow covered hills glitter in the sunlight, and they fly back into a snowstorm as flakes twirl and dance outside the transparisteel of the window. As they exit the storm, the shuttle dips low and passes a few hundred meters from a temple with curved, tiered tile roofs flanked on two sides by tall, orange gates. There's a large pond below them, with gracefully arching red bridges and giant stones on the banks.

"Woah." The quiet sentiment slips out before she can censor herself, and Cassian drags his gaze away from the sights outside to rest upon Jyn's enraptured face. He rarely sees her like this, unaware of her surroundings and entranced in beauty. He's never seen her this enchanted with anything. It's mesmerizing. Her eyes are sparkling, mouth slightly agape in wonder. She's bent at the waist, hovering over his shoulder so she can have a good view. He can smell the soap she used and the smoke and incense that cling to her hair. He'd pay large sums of money to bring her this kind of joy on a regular basis. He hiked with her once on Yavin 4. The jungles were in bloom, and she'd stopped and stared at every new flower and bud. She measured a leaf as large as she was with her arm span, laughing delightedly when she couldn't reach all the way across the frond. They sat on the edge of a waterfall and watched the sunset over Yavin. He'd almost kissed her that evening, but she'd turned to him before he worked up the courage, and asked him a question. He can't recall what she'd said now, only the mixed disappointment and relief the interruption brought him.

"Here we are." Mabion flicks an amalgam of switches and dials at a dizzying pace, and then unsnaps his restraints.

For Jyn, the trip was over all too soon, and she ignores the sorrow by putting her winter gear back on, and opening up the bin and retrieving their luggage.

"Give me those." Mabion removes the pack from her back and takes the straps of the other bags from her hand. "He's sick, and you're a lady. I'll carry these."

"I'm no lady." Jyn counters, hands on her hips.

Mabion and Cassian both grin at her, and she looks from one to the other and back. "Okay, that's uncanny. You two even smile the same." The right side of their mouths both quirk up as they enjoy her fire.

"Come on!" Mabion booms as he lowers the ramp and saunters down it into the snowstorm.

Jyn jams her hat back over her ears and tucks the hood over her hat before looking at Cassian. "Ready?"

"Let's go." He holds out his hand to her, waiting.

* * *

 _A/N: So, yeah. I've traveled a bit recently (the reason there were no updates for a few weeks in January). I technically started writing this before we left (the day before, I think), but the plot was finalized on our trips. Soooo...Monbetsu is basically a conglomeration of all the places we've visited in that country in our lifetimes. I'd give you prizes if you guess it, but I have nothing to give you except my admiration and thanks. I didn't try hard to conceal it, though._

 _This has been a craptastic week, and I'm trying to not let that interfere with the writing, but...it may have anyway. I got six pieces of bad news today at work in about two minutes, and I'm pretty much over everything right now. But I have booze (and I'm of legal drinking age in the country where I reside), so...I'm processing my emotional pain with EtOH. Because i have no friends in this country, and my hubby is out of the country for work._

 _Thank you to the marvelous beings who reviewed chapter 20. Honestly, it's one of my favorites. Here's the thing, though, I planned pretty much every aspect of this story three months ago. EXCEPT, the ending of chapter 20 just sort of...happened. It wasn't planned. I had to find a way to weave the story back on track to end up where I wanted it to go. That took a bit of time and thinking. Back to the point: thank you to Guest, Kathea, Mademoiselle le Chat, Moniecat, xbecbebex, engineerwenlock, Vilian, Guest, lindcita, excellentboiledpotatoes, and Jenlyn. I'd hug you all, but I'm betting I don't live in the same country as any of you...so please accept this imaginary cyber mango. Unless you're allergic. And then here's an imaginary cyber passion fruit._

 _Also, there's so many easter eggs for other sci-fi shows/movies in this. I'm shocked no one has caught them._


	22. Chapter 22

Jyn looks at Cassian's outstretched hand, and then up at his face. He nods once at his hand with a smile, indicating for her to take it. She hesitates another moment, glancing again at his hand, then tentatively reaches out with her gloved hand and presses her fingers against his. Cassian smiles at her tenderly, and encases her hand in his larger one, holding it firmly. He quirks a half smile at her and lightly tugs her down the ramp. Jyn follows compliantly, confused by the idea of their linked extremities. They don't do this. They don't hold hands. The air is bitterly cold at this elevation, and the snow is falling even harder here. The wind buffets them, making it difficult to make forward progress. Jyn stumbles and staggers as a powerful gust blows her backward. Cassian lets go of her hand long enough to wrap his arm around her waist, keeping her upright and urging her forward. Mabion closes the ramp, and the three of them make their way through the storm to the edge of the clearing.

"Kentarosan!" Mabion greets a man almost hidden by the snow with a warm hug.

"Mabion!" The greeting is returned enthusiastically. "It is good to see you again."

The older man releases Mabion and turns to Cassian, embracing him warmly, as well.

"It's been too long, Cassian." Jyn thinks she hears him say over the howling of the wind. "I am pleased you've come to see me."

"It's good to see you, too." Cassian smiles widely.

"And who is this?" He turns his attention to Jyn.

"This is Jyn." Cassian answers simply, dropping a hand to her shoulder.

Kentaro shares a knowing look with Cassian before he turns his gaze once more on the woman in front of him.

"Well, Jyn." He extends a hand in greeting. "Pleasure to meet you. Please, all of you, come with me. Let's get inside. Hanako is waiting for us."

He shakes Jyn's hand heartily, and doesn't release it as he leads them through trees that had to be nearly thirty meters tall. The bark is reddish brown and peeling in vertical tendrils. She brushes a hand against the trunk of one tree as they pass. The woods are silent save for the crunching footfalls of the four. Jyn found it eerily beautiful, if bitterly cold. Kentaro leads them to a modest home, and ushers them inside. The rush of warm air that smacks her face makes Jyn sigh in relief.

"Hanako!" He calls out loudly. "Our guests have arrived."

A small, lovely woman with long dark hair shuffles into the room quickly in warm, woolen socks. She is beaming from ear to ear.

"Cassian, dear boy!" Jyn watches with interest as the woman takes Cassian's face between both of her hands and pulls him down so she can inspect him more closely. "You're not eating. And you need to trim this mess." She pronounces as she rubs her hand over his cheeks and chin. Cassian grins at her and wraps his arms around her tightly.

"It's good to see you." Cassian murmurs, bending so he can hug her properly.

Hanako releases him and swats at his chest. "Kentaro tells me you've been ill."

"I'm feeling better."

"You still look ill." She reaches out and pinches at his side. "It's because you're not eating enough. I always tell you to eat more. It'll keep you healthy."

"I'll do better." Cassian promises and drops a chaste kiss to her cheek.

"And you!" Hanako turns her attention to Mabion. "Young man, how are you and your lovely wife doing?"

"We're both well, Hanakosan." Mabion stoops and hugs her tightly.

"You said you'd visit." She reminds him sternly. "Why haven't you visited before now?"

"Honza is, well...pregnant." Mabion actually flinches as he delivers the news, and rubs the back of his head with one hand.

Jyn understands the reason for the flinch when Hanako smacks him lightly on the shoulder. "And why didn't you tell me about this before?"

"I wanted to tell you in person." It came out sounding more like a question, and everyone knows he's grasping for reasons that won't get him smacked again.

"Tell me in person." Hanako mutters under her breath. "You better bring that baby before he's walking."

Mabion and Cassian share a puzzled look between them and just shrug.

"She always knows." Kentaro interjects sagely as an explanation to Jyn.

"And you, dear girl, what is your name?" She reaches out a hand and caresses Jyn's cheek.

"Um...Jyn." She manages, taken aback by the greeting.

"Well, Jyn, it is a pleasure to have you here. Come! Take off your boots, all of you!" She shoves Jyn's coat off of her shoulders and hands it to Kentaro. "Remove your coats! Let's get you inside and have something to warm you up."

Cassian remembers suddenly that he forgot to buy new socks for Jyn. She's trying to hide the holes in hers, standing on top of one foot to hide their raggedness. He wishes he'd saved her this embarrassment, although he knows the Hatakeyamas are the last people in the galaxy that would ever judge her for the state of her hosiery.

The five of them move to the table and sit on wooden chairs while Hanako busies herself setting out mugs and heating water.

Kentaro grabs a box and empties the contents carefully onto a platter.

"You, eat up." Hanako taps Cassian on the shoulder twice as she pours a bright red fluid into a mug.

Jyn takes a sip of her tea, and slowly nibbles on a cookie while Hanako chastises Mabion again for not telling her about the baby. This feels like a family, she thinks to herself as she looks around the table. It is still unclear who these people are, but they are very fond of Cassian and Mabion, that much is for certain. She fixes Cassian with a questioning glance, and he leans in close to whisper in her ear.

"Kentarosan was in charge of Intelligence when I first joined the Rebellion." His breath ghosts over her ear.

"What are you whispering about?" Hanako looks slightly annoyed.

"Sorry." Cassian looks abashed. "I was just telling Jyn that Kentarosan was our general when we joined the Rebellion." He speaks louder, so all can hear, then turns back to Jyn and continues at the same volume. "He looked after us. He recruited me; brought our cell in under the banner of the Rebel Alliance."

Jyn smiles at the idea of a young Cassian under the watchful care of Kentaro and his wife.

"How old were you?" She rarely gets a glimpse of Cassian's past.

"Seventeen." Seventeen and already tired of fighting. Aged beyond his bones, and desperately lonely. Adrift and searching. Not so different than how he feels now, come to think of it. More guilt now, obviously. But still so very tired.

Jyn does the math, and realizes that Cassian has been friends with Mabion since he joined the Rebellion.

"And he told me he was nineteen." Kentaro interjects with a chuckle.

"But you knew." Cassian shrugs and smiles.

"I knew." Hanako pats his hand and rubs his arm. "I always know."

Jyn thinks she'll elaborate for a moment, but there are no more details added to the story.

After they finish their tea and snacks, Kentarosan shows them to the guest rooms. He drops Mabion off in the first room in the hallway, and opens the door to the next room.

"Here you go." He pauses outside the door and turns to Cassian. "If you two need anything, just ask."

He walks back to the kitchen without another word.

Cassian slowly turns to Jyn and opens his mouth, but no words come out. "You take the bed." He considered just bunking with Mabion, but he knows his friend well enough to know he'll be kicked out of that room in short order. "It's okay."

"You're sick." Jyn rolls her eyes at him, as if that clears up the sleeping situation. She dumps her bags just inside the door and waits for him to do the same. Clearly he won't be wanting to share a bed with her, if his reaction this morning is any indication. The floor is fine with her, though. She's slept on far worse. There are plenty of blankets and pillows here, and the house has heat. Even their home on Lah'mu wasn't this warm in the winter, she thinks, struck by the sudden memory of her old life. She rarely allows herself to recall their warm and cozy home.

Cassian sits his belongings down and gestures to Jyn to exit before him. They make their way back into the front room and find everyone else already seated.

"Mabion says you're sick." The look on Hanako's face is nothing but concerned. "Have you seen a doctor?"

"No." Cassian shakes his head and pats Jyn's knee. "Jyn took good care of me. I'm feeling much better."

"You look like hell." Mabion always had a way with words.

"Ken, take him to..."

"Yeah." He's already standing and gesturing to Cassian. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Clinic."

"Jyn should come." Cassian pulls her up quickly. "She needs a booster."

"Cassian!" She grips his arm and tries to get his attention. "I'll be fine. I don't..."

"Are you up to date?" He fixes her with a concerned look. "Did you ever even get your boosters?"

She did not. Saw didn't have money for those sorts of things, and then he left her. The Rebellion must not have found her useful enough to spend their resources on her.

"I don't want you to get sick." He's rubbing a thumb over her shoulder, and Jyn's breath catches in her throat. "Get the booster. Please."

"That sounds expensive." She hisses back, jaw clenched, pleading with him to understand.

"Jyn, if it keeps you from getting sick, it's worth it completely." His voice is low and soothing, like the hand he has stroking her shoulder.

She nods shortly and purses her lips, confused by Cassian's behavior. He has a point, though. If she gets sick, then she'll just slow him down more. Put him in danger. New recruits to the Rebellion get full medical evaluations and care, she knows, but she was an unusual case. There are plenty who still don't trust her. More who blame her for the deaths of their friends. For the obliteration of Alderaan. She's skilled at keeping an impassive face, but she's heard the poorly concealed whispers and rumors about her; she's an Imperial spy, she's just here to exact revenge for her father's death, she's going to steal secrets and sabotage the Rebellion and report back to the Partisans. Those were the more charitable rumors attributed to her. She tried to conceal the flush of her cheeks when she'd heard the racier rumors regarding her relationship with Captain Andor. Some were quite creative, but she detested seeing his name dragged through the muddy ice because of her.

"Yeah. Okay." She agrees, and sucks in a gentle breath as Cassian moves his hand from her shoulder to gently cup the side of her face, long fingers winding back into her hair. His thumb strokes right after her cheekbone twice before he removes his palm. It feels like the air has evacuated from the room, and she struggles for a breath that ends up as more of an embarrassing gasp.

"Alright." Hanako is herding Cassian and Jyn toward the front door and handing Jyn her scarf. "Bundle up. Go see Doctor Shoret." She addresses her husband.

Mabion follows the group to the entryway, and reaches for his boots only to be stopped by Hanako.

"You're staying here, young man." She pushes him upright. "You can help me make lunch."

"Yes, Ma'am!" Mabion smiles that mischievous grin that lets Jyn know he's not at all upset at his work assignment.

Kentaro has an enclosed speeder that seats four. Cassian and Jyn jostle for position in the back seat, and Jyn wins, insisting that Cassian take the front seat next to his friend. He's more relaxed here than she's ever seen him, even as fatigued and sick as he is. He's leaning back against the seat, angled toward Kentaro and chatting about something that Jyn isn't listening to. She's busy watching the scenery flash past her window.

The trip only takes about thirty standard minutes, but Jyn didn't pay attention to any of it.

A droid hustles Cassian into a room almost as they arrive. Jyn assumes that Hanako messaged the clinic ahead of their arrival.

"Miss?" Another droid, this one painted garishly bright pink, tries to get Jyn's attention. "Do you need something?"

Kentaro answers for her. "It seems that our friend has a bad bout of pneumonia." He gestures to the closed exam room door. "And she has been exposed."

"A booster it is." The droid is too perky for Jyn's taste. "Quick examination first. Right this way."

Jyn finds herself being poked and prodded and scanned. She doesn't have many answers for the droid's questions, though. She's never truly had medical care before, so she doesn't have much medical history to report. She was cared for in the medbay after Scarif, and they fixed her arm once when it was broken during a battle when they moved the base from Yavin 4 to Hoth. Beyond that, and whatever she received as a child on Coruscant, the rest was just getting by.

There's a soft knock on the door, and the med droid almost startles. "Oh, my!"

"Jyn?" It's Cassian.

"Come in." She calls, rather relieved to not be alone with the perky, pink droid.

He opens the door and sticks his head in bashfully. "Hey."

"Hey?" She smiles at him questioningly.

"I'm good." He assures her. "Got some more antiinfectives and a booster."

"Good." She's grateful he's going to be okay.

"She needs the full series." He tells the pink med droid. Although she never responded to his question, he's fairly certain that Jyn has never had proper medical care. The Rebellion did her wrong in so many ways. She should have been given these boosters when she joined. He shouldn't have done it, he knows, but he hacked her care files before they left. They'd treated her injuries, for which he's grateful, but only her injuries. She deserves better.

"Cassian, no!" She can't even venture a guess at how much that will cost him.

"Yes."

"You can't!"

"Why, Jyn? Why can't I?" He's in front of her now, bending down to eye level, daring her to find a good reason why he can't do this for her.

"I can get these when we get back. Then it won't cost you anything." She hates that he keeps spending his credits on her. It's too much.

"You need them now." He turns and addresses the med droid. "Immune booster for the pneumonia, and a catch-up series, please."

The cool metal of the sprays is smooth against her skin. She tries to not wince; there's no point. She's in no danger, and it doesn't really hurt. It's just an odd sensation. Cassian reaches for her hand and gives it a firm squeeze with the last injection. Jyn just shakes her head and stares at him in disbelief.

"Come back in three months for the next set." The droid gives them instructions as they wait to pay.

"Thank you." Cassian nods in understanding.

"Taken care of." The droid explains at the desk when Cassian tries to hand over his credit chip.

Jyn turns to Kentaro, puzzled, but he just winks at her and quirks a smile. He hands them their coats, and they head back out towards the house. Jyn's thoughts are jumbled, and she misses most of the ride back. She's trying to work out in her head why she is here. Why does Cassian keep taking her to these houses of people he knows? Why does he keep going out of his way to care for her - to buy her things? Why do his friends keep picking up the bill for her food and her medical care? This is more than unusual. It's unprecedented, and she can't explain it. She likes Kentaro and Hanako - very much, actually. Mabion treats her like a long-lost friend. And Cassian. Cassian. He keeps...touching her. It used to just be a pat on the shoulder or a steadying hand on her elbow. It's much more...intimate now. Personal. Perhaps things have changed, but she doesn't understand what's happening.

Cassian helps her down from the speeder when they arrive at their destination, and wraps his arm back around her like he did earlier and steadies her against the blustering wind.

* * *

Back at the house, Hanako is directing Mabion around the kitchen with the efficiency of the Colonel she once was.

"Tell me about Jyn." She requests as they wait for water to boil, fixing the young man with a knowing look.

"What do you want to know?" He sits at a chair and rests his elbows on the table. "I don't know her as well as Cassian."

"Oh, I suspect that's true!" She's smiling at him, mirth overflowing.

"You'll like her." He promises. "She's...quiet. She's smart. Strong. She takes good care of Cass."

"How long have they been...?"

"Oh, I don't think either one of them knows what they're doing." He rises and adds the noodles to the boiling water. "Cassian has only told me a little about her." He tells her honestly. "And there's something he's hiding. Something he's not saying. But..." He trails off without finishing the thought.

"Is she..." She struggles to find the word in Basic, and fails.

"She's a good person." Mabion stirs the noodles. "I like her. I think she's good for him." Not that his opinion matters at all, but he's glad his dear friend has found a person as lovely as Jyn, inside and out. Rough around the edges, perhaps, but aren't they all? He and Cassian were both child soldiers once, too, with all of the accompanying baggage that that sort of childhood entails. Jyn is allowed her own demons, too, he figures. There likely isn't a soldier alive who doesn't have a few. Cassian has more than his share - always has. He's seen his friend smile more at Jyn in the past few days than he figures Cassian has smiled in a decade. Real smiles - not the fake, simpering expression he uses on ops - but beaming grins, eyes twinkling tenderly. Happy.

"Well, then." Hanako adds some vegetables to a different pot, and then pours in a few sauces and seasonings. "I look forward to getting to know her better."

She pauses for a moment before continuing. "Tell me how she got the cuts and bruises. I know it wasn't you or Cassian."

Jyn's bruised eye is still not completely healed, nor are the scrapes on her chin. "No, that's a story I don't quite understand." He does his best to relay the story of Jyn's abduction and subsequent release. He tries to leave out the details that might paint Jyn in an unsavory light - the part about her associating with criminals and stealing from gangs.

"And that's how you ended up traveling with Cassian, then?" Hanako asks when he concludes the story.

"Sort of." He sits and takes a sip of tea. "They left Giless on a public transport a few days ago, but Cass fell ill. Jyn checked them into a hotel in Capital City and nursed him back to health. Kentaro messaged me when they didn't arrive here on schedule, so I came to find them."

"You've always looked out for each other."

They chat easily about their lives, and Hanako questions Mabion about the baby, promising to send a handmade blanket before the birth of his son.

"You tell Honza to bring that baby here to visit me." She pats his cheek affectionately. "And you come with her."

"I will. I promise."

They look up suddenly as the front door flings open with a swish and a blast of cold air and snowflakes.

"We're back!" Kenataro calls out.

Hanako rushes to the front room and questions Cassian. "Are you okay? Did you get medicine?"

"I'm fine." He smiles, and stoops to hug her again. "And I have a box of antiinfectives to finish."

"Very good." She pats his shoulder and moves on. "And you, Child? Did they care for you, as well?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Jyn smiles amiably at the older woman. "I'm all set."

"Good. Very good." She wraps an arm around Jyn and guides her into the kitchen. "I have lunch ready. Are you hungry, Dear?"

"Lunch sounds good." Cassian follows them into the kitchen and locates a glass to fill with water. He fishes out one tablet and swallows it with a gulp.

"Well, sit." Hanako commands. "I'll get you all some lunch."

An array of bowls and dishes appear in front of each of them, and the five settle down to enjoy their lunch. Jyn couldn't imagine being hungry again after their wandering breakfast earlier that morning, but she digs in with gusto. She is, however, unable to finish her meal, and she doesn't miss the way Cassian eyes her leftovers hungrily. Now that he's feeling better, he's hungrier than ever, as if the meals he missed while ill are catching up with him.

"You can have it." She whispers quietly, pushing one of the bowls over toward him slightly.

He smiles widely at her, and exchanges his empty bowls for her uneaten ones. She's too embarrassed to look up, and misses the knowing looks between the other occupants of the table.

"Cassian, if you're hungry, I can serve you more." Hanako scolds him softly.

"No point in wasting this." He shrugs sheepishly, and Jyn thinks he looks at least ten years younger when he does it.

All five look toward the window as it rattles in the howling wind.

"Storm is picking up." Kentaro pronounces. "You should stay until morning for sure." He's speaking to Mabion, of course.

The three guests clean up the kitchen, and take a seat in the front room by the heater with their accommodating hosts.

"Jyn, dear." Hanako begins as she hands out blankets, and Cassian straightens up a bit in his chair as he spreads the blanket over Jyn. "Tell us about yourself. Where do you come from?"

"Um." Jyn starts, looking at Cassian for help. "I've moved around a lot."

"A nomad." Kentaro nods. "Tell me, where did you find the most pleasant?"

That's a loaded question. Lah'mu, in the homestead with her parents? No, things ended so badly that she never wants to return. She still has nightmares of watching her mother's body drop, lifeless, onto the sandy soil there. She's wondered if Saw buried her mother before he came for her in the bunker. Did she just lay out there, in the crops, while the fields went to seed?

She can't very well bring herself to recommend any of the places she lived with Saw. She has only bitter memories of those moons and planets now. She didn't find any planet to be pleasant after Saw left her. Honestly, the places she's enjoyed the most are Yavin 4 and Hoth, but she can't very well announce that aloud. She quite enjoyed Giless, and honestly now that Cassian isn't hallucinating or near death she finds Monbetsu to be quite lovely. How can she articulate that without making a fool of herself?

"Oh, I figure it'd be hard to pick just one." Cassian saves her, and she smiles at him gratefully. "Monbetsu is lovely, though. Although we seem to have arrived during the middle winter."

Everyone chuckles at that, and Kentaro answers the question Jyn doesn't have the nerve to ask. "Spring is just around the corner. We have many seasons here."

Jyn is skeptical about the first part. Outside of Hoth, she's never seen a snow storm like this one. Cassian did promise her that their destination would be cold, though. He always delivers on his promises. It's plenty cold outside here. The warmth inside this home is unlike anything she can recall, though.

"Do you mind if we wash some clothes?" Cassian remembers that they're nearly out of clean laundry, and wants to take the focus off Jyn. He needs to talk to Kentarosan before anyone interrogates Jyn any further.

"Of course." Hanako directs them to the washroom, and the two excuse themselves.

* * *

"They _like_ you." Jyn observes as she dumps her dirty clothes into the box.

"I've known them for a long time." Cassian doesn't comment on her observation.

She pulls herself up to sit on the counter and watches him closely. She has questions, so many questions.

"They're like family." He leans against the counter next to her, lost in thought.

"Are you going to tell me why we're here?" She asks him quietly. "I know it's "need to know," but we've been gone for weeks, and we haven't done anything, yet."

"We're not too far off schedule." He answers noncommittally.

Jyn rolls her eyes at his non-answer. Leave it to an intelligence officer to be a master at evasion.

* * *

Mabion fetches Jyn later and enlists her help making dinner.

"Guests have to work for their lodging here." He smirks at her.

"I'm not much of a cook." She warns him again. "You're taking your lives into your own hands if you trust me with your dinners."

"You'll do just fine." Hanako is not concerned at all about Jyn's culinary abilities.

Hanako fixes Jyn up with a cutting board and a pile of vegetables that need slicing, and puts Mabion at the head of the assembly line peeling the vegetables first.

"Cass seems to be feeling better." He indicates to Jyn as he hands her the first batch of peeled root vegetables.

"He's tired." She shrugs. "He needs to rest."

"Why don't you ever call him "Cass"?" It's an observation that he's wondered about since he met her.

"Cassian is a beautiful name." Jyn wields the knife with precision and finishes off the first vegetable, handing it to Hanako. "It suits him."

Mabion and Hanako share a knowing look behind Jyn's back, but all she sees is Kentaro grabbing two bottles of ale from the chiller and disappearing around the corner.

* * *

Dinner is a boisterous affair, but Jyn can tell Cassian is tiring. She and Mabion volunteer to clean up, and Jyn shoos Cassian into the front room to sit and rest.

"Relax. Or go to bed." She warns him. "You're exhausted, and you need to rest."

"Listen to your young lady." Hanako grins warmly at Cassian and then Jyn. "Go sit down. I'm going to bed."

Jyn and Mabion finish washing up the dishes and reenter the front room to join the others as kentaro finishes speaking in a hushed tone.

"You have to tell her, Son."

* * *

 _A/N: You guys seriously cheered me up with your sweet reviews of chapter 21. This is my first intentional cliff-hanger. Many hugs to tigersmeleth, MsOsgood11, 5dreamcatcher, Guest, Moniecat, Icbacteria, Capsassian, Vilian (you guessed correctly, btw), MayflyMortality, Maria de Sanctos, rezmutt, lindcita, xbecbebex (Japan), Jackwabbit (completely agree - Out of Gas is a masterpiece), excellentboiledpotatoes, Guest, and Mademoiselle le Chat. I hope I didn't omit any names. If I did, please know it is a total accident._

 _And, Hanako was hard for me to write. I couldn't quite find the right voice for her, so I ended up basing her on my mother-in-law. Contrary to popular belief, not all mothers in law are terrible. I love mine. She's a wonderful lady._


	23. Chapter 23

"Tell who what?" Jyn asks, face the picture of confusion tinged with annoyance.

Cassian's head whips toward the sound of her voice so quickly Mabion wonders if his friend gave himself whiplash. His eyes are as wide as saucers, and he can feel his heart pounding unexpectedly. He hadn't planned on having this conversation tonight.

"Go ahead." Kentaro urges the younger man.

"Tell me?" Her feet are wide and eyes steely. "What are you hiding, Cassian?" She's suspected something was amiss for days.

"Perhaps we should..." Kentaro stands and points toward the hallway, gesturing for Mabion to exit with him.

"No." Cassian protests. "No. We'll..." He looks around quickly, and spies the front door. "We'll go outside." The wind has died down somewhat. Hopefully he won't have to anchor Jyn to the ground to keep her from blowing away.

"You shouldn't be outside." Jyn protests, remembering his fever and how sick he was just yesterday.

"Come on." He grabs her coat from the hook and holds it for her to ease into. "We won't be long." He assures her, shrugging into his own blue coat.

Jyn slips her boots back on and ties and fastens them. When they're both bundled up against the elements, Cassian opens the door, leading her into the quiet darkness. Their boots crunch on the fresh powder as they walk in silence into the quiet forest. The sky has cleared up, and the canopy glitters with a thousand sparkling stars. Jyn stops and gapes at the sky, mesmerised, and Cassian is reminded of the night she was taken from him on Seregar. She'd been distracted by the night sky then, too.

"I've never seen stars like this." Her voice is awe-struck. "There's so many." She hasn't been able to just look up for many years. She was too young to appreciate it on Lah'mu, and barely remembers Coruscant. The rest of her life...she hasn't looked up much before recently.

Cassian follows her gaze and considers the spectacle. "You can't see any of them on Fest. Too much pollution. It's just a hazy grey fog day and night."

He's never spoken directly about his home before, and Jyn considers her response carefully. "That's a cold planet, right?"

"Yes." He tips his head down and looks at his companion. "Very. And snowy."

"Like this?" She gestures around her to the forest of stately trees.

"Not quite." He shakes his head sadly. "This is...prettier. More peaceful." And he can breath here; the air isn't choked with smog. The company is better, too.

She walks to a fence, path outlined by stars and the light reflected off three moons, and brushes the snow off the top rail before she leans against it, waiting.

Cassian hesitates, eyes washing over the sight in front of him. Jyn's face is bathed in moonlight, giving her an ethereal glow. _Now or never_ , he tells himself, and takes a deep breath.

"So, there's something I've been meaning to tell you - well, waiting to tell you." He rolls his eyes at his own inability to put together a coherent sentence. Jyn is waiting patiently, which unnerves him somewhat. He's comfortable with fiery Jyn, the Jyn that fights her battles with her fists and baton. Calm, serene Jyn is unsettling to him now for some reason. Her eyes are hardening, though, and that makes him feel better, oddly enough.

"I...um...I resigned my commission." He blurts it out and leaves it there for her to digest.

Jyn thinks about his confession for a moment, forehead wrinkling in confusion. "You resigned?"

"Yes." He nods. "Before we left. With my recent leg injury, I can't be in the field any more. I'm a liability. Too slow and identifiable with the limp. And I...I can't keep doing what I do. I can't..." He's not sure how to tell her that he hates the man he sees in the mirror now. He can't sleep at night because of the guilt eating at him due to the things he's done. The atrocities he's committed. "I don't think I can take a desk job and order men and women to go do the things I've done. So...I..." He trails off, unsure of what to add.

"You resigned." Jyn repeats her words. "You resigned?" If Cassian was more comfortable with fiery, angry Jyn, he can see he's about to be appeased. "You resigned!"

Her head is swimming. He resigned. He's not part of the Rebellion any more. He...

"Why?" She doesn't understand. "You love the Rebellion!" He's sneered haughty, arrogant things at her telling her why he's a better person because he fought when she ran. He's spent his entire life fighting.

"I don't love the Rebellion." He protests, correcting her. "I...I agree with the cause. I hate the Empire. But...I...I'm not blind to the faults of the Alliance." And there are many.

"So...what _are_ we doing..." Realization dawns haltingly, and Jyn is furious. "Why did you drag me out here, then? What are we doing? Am I just here to keep you company and then go finish your mission for you alone?" She's steaming mad, and trying to not let herself focus on the part where Cassian, her only friend, is leaving. She _trusted_ him. Saw was right, she thinks. It's weakness to trust someone else like that. People just let you down.

"No, Jyn, listen..."

She cuts him off before he can explain himself. "Why not just say goodbye and leave me on Echo Base, then? Why the charade? You're intelligence, aren't you? Why not just take off and leave without a word? Save yourself the trouble?" At least it would have saved her the illusion. She's pacing in front of him, hands balled into fists and jaw clenched. Nothing has hurt this badly since Saw left her, but she won't give him the satisfaction of tears. Push the pain down, and use it as fuel. Like Saw taught her. Be strong. Hard.

"Jyn." His voice is soft, and it enrages her. She can't handle his sympathy right now. Anger is easier. Familiar. She wears it like an old sweater.

"No!" She whirls to face him, eyes flaming with anger. "Stop that!"

"Jyn, listen to me." He's reaching for her, but she shrugs his hands off of her shoulders and jerks away from him. "Listen. Please."

"Is that why we took a half dozen transports?" She snaps. "Why I needed civilian clothes? So you wouldn't be compromised?"

"Yes. No. Jyn, I..."

"Why didn't you just leave me, then?"

He's not sure if she means on the base or on Seregar. Surely she doesn't mean Jedha or Eadu? "I..."

"What's the point of all this?" She's stalking back up the path now, and fear flashes through him.

"Jyn, wait!"

"Just stop it, Cassian." She doesn't stop walking away.

"Jyn!" He grabs her arm, and she tries to wrench herself from his grasp. "Listen to me for a minute."

"Let go of me." Her voice is low and seething, and Cassian sees her chin quiver.

"Not until you listen to me." He forces his voice to be even, moderate.

"Let. Me. Go." She's trying to rip her arm from his grasp still, and Cassian acts without thinking.

"No." He breaths as he yanks her toward him and presses his lips to hers. He's careful to be gentle, and cups the back of her head with his other hand, letting go of her arm, and drawing the hand down her side to rest against her lower back. She's tense in his arms, and doesn't respond. It's awkward because of the difference in height, but he doesn't let her go, urging her to relax against him. She does not, but she doesn't push him away, either. She stops fighting him instantly. Cassian hopes she's stunned, not upset by his actions. If she's mad, he'll know about it, and her knees are very close to parts of his anatomy that are quite...sensitive, should she take issue with him kissing her.

"Jyn." He breaths as he presses a soft kiss to the side of her mouth. "Listen to me."

"What?" She's dizzy. She's floating. She's confident that she's dreaming. She must have hit her head. Is this what going crazy feels like?

"I'm trying to tell you something important." He's framing her face with both gloved hands, now, and he wishes his hands were bare so he could feel the warmth of her. "Will you listen now?"

Her eyes are wide, sparking green galaxies, and her breaths come quickly.

"I resigned my commission. I'm leaving the Rebellion."

"You said that already." Her voice catches and breaks, and he can't resist pressing his lips to her forehead.

"Jyn, I'm staying here." He bends down to meet her eyes in the semi-darkness. "At least for a while. And I'd like you to stay, too. Here. With me."

"What?" If Cassian's hands weren't on her face, she's confident that she'd be in a heap on the ground. Another thought occurs to her suddenly. "I didn't resign, Cassian!" She accuses him. "I'm a deserter!" She wonders what the Rebellion's punishment is for desertion.

"No." He's shaking his head, and she's not sure she sees him. Her vision seems blurry. Unfocused. "I wouldn't do that to you. I talked to Senator Mothma. You are officially on leave. If you decide to stay, then you can submit your resignation from here. If you want to go back, then I'll get you safely back. If you want to go somewhere else, I'll get you anywhere you want to go. But I do want you to say." With me. He doesn't repeat it again. He couldn't find a way around using her leave days, so she will be minus those if she goes back. He feels guilty about that, but he hopes - _prays_ \- that it will be a nonissue.

"We could be happy here, Jyn." He's almost whispering. Pleading. "I...I know I'm not a good man. I've done...things you wouldn't believe. Things I don't even want you to know. I did...I was honest before. I've done terrible things, and everything I did, I did for the Rebellion. But I've been fighting for twenty years, Jyn. I'm tired. I...we did our part. We got the plans. We're the reason the Death Star is destroyed. We're the reason the Rebellion has hope - they have a chance." This is going poorly.

"Jyn, I...Kentaro used to tell me that if I ever found someone that made me want to live, that I should hang on to them and run. Because someone to live for is better than a reason to die." The realization stunned him on the data tower at Scarif, when she'd smiled at him after transmitting the plans. He'd wanted to live. He'd heard Kentarosan's voice in his head telling him to run. Run away and live. He's done his part. Twenty years of fighting and assassinations and sabotage. He hopes that someday, maybe many years from now, he can look at his face in the mirror and recognize the person staring back at him.

"I've nearly died more times than I can count, and I'm betting you have, too. I'd like to try living for a while. For us to try living."

"You want me to stay? With you?"

He hopes that's not disgust he hears. "Yes."

"For how long?" She's eyeing him sideways. Uncertain. Experience has taught her that no one stays, that no one can be trusted. Still, it's Cassian...

"As long as you want to stay." He ditches the gloves and cups the side of her face, savoring the soft skin under his fingertips and palm. "As long as you'll have me."

"That's..." Her eyes are disbelieving. No one stays. Not for her. She's someone people leave. And that's a long time.

"I'm not Saw, Jyn." He sighs, reminding her of his promise from Mabion's ship. "I'm not leaving you."

"You can't leave the Rebellion for me." She's whispering and backing away from him as she shakes her head in disbelief. "Not for me. I'm..."

"I'm not." He follows her retreat, reaching for her with both arms. "I left for me. I left because..." He changes tactics. "I'd leave for you if you asked me to."

"No." Her face is familiar. Haunted. Mistrusting. "No, you can't...you'll get tired...not for me. I'm not...I'm not..."

"You're not what, Jyn?" He interrupts her, knows where she's headed with this. "You're worth it. You're worth it to me."

"I..." He's grasping her upper arms now, and she's grateful for the steadying effect. She hasn't been worth anything to anyone in so long. Her mother didn't even find her worth staying for, choosing instead to make a pointless stand against a squad of Death Troopers and Krennic.

"We could be happy, Jyn." He drops his hands to clasp hers. "We could have a peaceful, quiet life."

At that, she squeezes her eyes shut, and he sees a tear slip out.

Heart breaking, he slips both of her hands into one of his, and wipes away the tear with his free hand. "What, Honey? What did I say?" His lips move softly against her temple as he speaks.

Her face fractures, lips between her teeth as she strains to keep from crying. Her father's words ring out in her mind. _"If you found a place in the galaxy untouched by war - a quiet life, maybe with a family, if you're happy, Jyn, then that's more than enough."_

But it's not true. None of it. No one ever stays. Not her father. Not her mother. Not Saw. Or Maia. Or Codo. Or the dozens of other people who sauntered out of her life just as quickly as they swaggered into it. You don't get this, she remembers.

 _I was born in a prison. I always figured I'd die in one._

 _My beloved._

 _If you're happy, Jyn-_

 _My Stardust._

He's in front of her. Cassian. Wiping her tears away as they stream down her cheeks, gathering her against his chest, even though he has no idea why she's weak and crying. He hasn't left her. He comes _back_ for her. Time and again. He comes for her.

 _"Follow him, and find what you seek."_ She remembers Chirrut's words suddenly, even though she's tried so hard to forget him. To forget Baze. Bodhi. All of them.

 _"He has the face of a friend."_

 _"I'm not leaving you, Jyn."_

 _"We could have a peaceful, quiet life."_

Nothing about Jyn's life has ever been peaceful or quiet. And no one has ever stayed. From what she can fathom, no one has ever wanted her to stay. She sees them sometimes, in her dreams. Hears them. Chirrut speaking in riddles and Baze, calm and pragmatic.

 _"Trade that necklace for a glimpse into your future."_

 _"Good luck, little sister."_

 _"The Captain is a good man, little star. He can be trusted."_

She gasps a breath, and startles when Cassian folds her completely into his embrace. His hand is soothing, rubbing up and down her spine. Like he did once in his quarters when she hugged him. Like he did on Mabion's ship after he enlisted help releasing her from the clutches of Zhvar Orleinn. He's warm, and she's surrounded by him. By the scent of him. It's dizzying and terrifying, but it can't be real. It can't be true.

Almost as if he can hear her thoughts, he speaks to her, quietly. Voice muffled in her hat. "I mean it, Jyn. We could be happy here. Or anywhere. You pick the place. Kentarosan offered me a job. Mabion has space for me. Or we can go wherever you want. You don't have to run any more." He presses his lips against the fabric of her hat, wishing they were indoors and wearing fewer layers. "You can stay with me. I'd like you to stay with me."

Thirteen years of loss and abandonment. Pain and death. Hunger. Mistrust. Anger and hatred. Every lesson Saw taught her, to be hard. To survive. To be strong. To shoot first. Never trust. Never align your destiny with another person. They could all be wrong. Saw could be wrong, Jyn realizes. She wants this. She wants what he's offering her. A life. A home. Him.

She's nodding before she realizes it, but Cassian doesn't miss the first tip of her chin.

"Yeah?" He loosens his grip on her a little, heart soaring.

Brown eyes meet green in the dim moonlight, and she nods again. "Okay." She's sniffing and tear stained, and certain that her eyes are red and puffy, but he doesn't seem to notice as he presses his lips against hers again, more insistent this time. She loses herself in the sensation of him, of her body pulled flush against his through the layers of winter gear.

"Jyn." He breaths her name like a prayer when he pulls away, and buries her face in his neck, holding her tightly to him. "Do you mean it?" He has to ask. He has to know. Twenty years of loss and war have made him twitchy. Trust but verify.

"Yeah." Her breath is warm on his neck, lips moving against his skin. His eyes close involuntarily.

"I don't know how to do this." He admits, breathless.

"And I do?" She's nuzzling into the space where his neck and shoulder meet. He wants her to stay there permanently. Take up residence.

"We'll figure it out." He kisses her temple again, cataloging the way she sighs when he does it, the remaining tension draining from her shoulders. The figured out how to steal the Death Star plans form the Citadel tower, right under the noses of the Empire. They can figure this out.

"Is that why..." She pauses and moves back so she can see his face. "Is that why you...bought me clothes? And a coat? And boosters?"

"Because I care about you, Jyn." He caresses her cheek and smiles tenderly at her. "Not to convince you or win you over. You needed them. There are no strings attached. You don't owe me anything. I meant that when I said it."

She can't remember the last person who did anything nice for her just because she needed something. _You're wrong_ , she corrects herself. The last person to do that was Cassian. He's been doing things for her all along.

"You..." She doesn't know how to finish that sentence, so she just buries her face in his neck again and wraps her arms around his shoulders.

"I thought...this morning...you were...close."

"I'm sorry." He murmurs against her. "I know I shouldn't have. I...I have dreams. Bad ones. I..." He's never admitted that to anyone, but he knows her sleep is plagued by them, as well. She won't judge him.

"You pulled away fast when you woke up." She doesn't want him to apologize. "I thought you were upset or disgusted."

"With you?" He bends down somewhat so she's not standing on tip toe and looks at her eye to eye.

"Yeah."

"Jyn, I'll never be disgusted with you." He kisses both of her cheeks, giddy at the prospect of being able to do that freely now. "My hand was touching something I had no business touching. I was worried you'd wake up and be mad at me."

Her brow furrows as she thinks back to the morning. She'd just awakened. "I didn't notice."

"You were awake?" She didn't fight him or kick him or move out of his arms.

"A few times." She admits, thinking of how warm he was, and how comfortable she'd been in his arms.

"I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of you while you slept." He admits, worried that there may have been others who were not so considerate of her person.

"I've never worried about you, Cassian Andor." She smiles, and reaches up to press her lips to his cheek. "This _is_ getting a little unruly." Her fingers stroke over his beard. She's wanted to do this for so long - reach out and touch him, and not when he's unconscious or injured.

"I'll trim it." He promises as he brushes a hand over his face. "Or shave it. Whatever you prefer."

"Leave it." She replaces his hand with her own, and traces the angle of his jaw to his chin. "I like it." She's still shaking. Unsure. Worried this is a mistake or a joke or a dream. But her father's words keep repeating.

 _"If you found a place in the galaxy untouched by war - a quiet life, maybe with a family, if you're happy, Jyn, then that's more than enough."_

Maybe she can find that quiet life. Maybe she can be happy. Maybe Cassian can, too.

"I'm supposed to give you something." Cassian is tugging her hand toward the house. "Let's go back inside."

He kisses her again, at the door, right before they head inside. She almost thinks she hears him breath the words _"thank you"_ against her mouth, but she's not sure. No one is in the front room when they enter, and no one joins them while they remove their boots. Cassian is tugging her down the hallway before either of them remove their coats. He presses the button to open the door and darts inside. Jyn finds the light panel and illuminates the room while he rummages through his bags.

"Here." He's holding a cloth package, handing it to her. "I'm supposed to give this to you when we arrive."

She meets his eyes and asks a silent question that he does not answer.

"What is it?"

"I have no idea." He answers honestly.

"Should I open this outside?" Could she have angered someone enough to booby trap this...whatever it is?

"No, it's safe." He promises. "Senator Mothma told me to give it to you."

Jyn unwraps the cloth to reveal a simple wooden box. She removes the lid and stares at the contents for a moment before moving to sit on the edge of the bed. There is a note, a sheet of flimsiplast with an official-looking seal at the top. She pulls it out gently and reads silently.

 _Jyn,_

 _I apologize that I never got to thank you properly for your contribution to the Rebellion. We are forever in your debt._

 _Captain Andor has made a rather unorthodox request that we grant you a leave of absence to accompany him on his trip home during retirement. I hope your journey is pleasant. The Captain is a most honorable man, so I know that you will be in good hands. He has made his intentions known to me, and should you agree to them, then please know that you owe the Rebellion nothing. It is we who owe you._

 _A bit of research informed me that you have yet to be paid for your contributions to the Rebellion. Please accept the enclosed as payment for your time. I was unaware of the demotion in your rank until I spoke with Captain Andor. Your rank has been reinstated, and the salary enclosed will represent that. Should you, instead, choose to return to us, we will welcome you once more into our fold with a more appropriate rank of lieutenant, but I suspect we will not be seeing you._

 _I have also enclosed the monetary value commensurate with the value of the medals that you and Captain Andor should have been awarded following the destruction of the Death Star. It did not escape my notice that you were not recognized. I understand that neither you, nor Captain Andor, desire the spotlight, but I wish to correct this oversight, as well._

 _I wish you both happiness, and am forever grateful for your contribution and sacrifice._

 _Regards,_

 _Mon Mothma_

Jyn sets the flimsiplast aside, and looks beneath it, carefully moving the cloth aside. There are three credit chips, two engraved with J.E., and one with C. J. A.

"This is yours." She hands Cassian his chip card. "It's the value of a medal. For capturing the plans to the Death Star." She hands him the flimsiplast, as well, so he can read for himself.

"I never wanted recognition." He murmurs. "It was enough for me that it was destroyed." He knows that Jyn feels the same way. It's one of the things he loves about her. It's also one of the many things about her that worries him. Her burning need to destroy the thing her father built is what drove him to disobey orders and steal a craft in the first place. Of course, that was hardly the first time he'd disobeyed orders for her.

"I...I have money." Her voice sounds wonderous, disbelieving, as she fingers the credit chip. "She sent me my salary."

It doesn't surprise Cassian that Senator Mothma made sure Jyn was compensated. He knows the Senator to be a very honorable woman, and this just makes him respect her more. He'd laid out his entire plan to her when he went to her and proposed his unconventional plan to have Jyn's leave be official.

"I can pay you back!" She's smiling at the thought, clearly excited by the prospect. Cassian has a decidedly different reaction to her realization.

"I don't want you to pay me back, Jyn." He can't stop his hand from stroking her cheek. Now that he's kissed her, he can't stop touching her. He's addicted. It started months ago, back on Scarif. It's only grown, this need to touch her, since he mistakenly pressed his lips against her brown hair on Mabion's ship after her rescue. Everything was nearly ruined. The whole plan. His whole future - a future he'd scarcely even begun to hope for - nearly ended in that alley. He never wants to let her go.

"But I..."

"I don't do things for you because I want you to owe me anything." He feels faint as he squats down in front of her, ignoring the way his leg pulls with the motion. Giddy. "You owe me nothing. That's your money. You earned it."

Jyn purses her lips as she regards him carefully, green eyes searching his face. He stills, impassive, under the force of her scrutiny.

"What if you get tired of me?" Her voice is small, and he can hear the heartbreak of the child she'd once been. If he leaves her, she'll be done. Ruined. She knows it. He could destroy her. That's a terrifying thought. Saw told her to never give anyone this much power, and she hadn't meant to hand it to him. But here she is.

Cursing Saw and nameless, faceless others, he grabs both of her hands in his, setting the box aside on the mattress. "I never tire of you, Jyn." He rests his forehead against hers. "And you know I keep my promises." He hasn't been in a position to make promises to her before this trip. The threat of death or dismemberment was too high. All he could give her was a moment. The idea that they could both have a future - together - is like something from a dream. Cassian isn't sure he's actually lived since he was six years old. This seems like a good day to start. He'll have to thank Kentaro for the push. Tomorrow would have wasted a day.

"Yeah." She whispers, still a bit terrified at the thought of what she's about to embark on. Terrified, but happy. When was the last time she was happy? It's all unreal to her, still. The past few minutes have promised a life she's never even considered. It never seemed worth her time to want a quiet life - a home. She never dared dream that she'd be asked to stay and live a life with someone like Cassian. Someone smart and kind and good. She wishes she'd had the wherewithal to protest when he'd told her he isn't a good man. Jyn disagrees. She thinks he's a very good man. The best. The kind she can trust. She's never met one of those before him.

Cassian hates to admit it, but he is exhausted. Travel and the past half hour have rendered him physically and emotionally weary.

"You're tired." Jyn sees him eyeing the bed hopefully. "Let's go to bed." She hopes she's not crossing any lines by suggesting that.

Cassian smiles at her gratefully. "Do you want to change first? I was going to shower."

"Go ahead." She can tell he needs to rest.

* * *

 _"Cassian, tell me what's on your mind."_

 _"I'm fine, Kentarosan."_

 _"You're troubled." He could always tell._

 _"I don't know what I'm doing." He admits painfully, head in his hands, leaning forward on the sofa._

 _"Start at the beginning, then." A fatherly hand pats Cassian's back. "And tell me what's troubling you."_

 _"I quit." He rasps out. "I resigned my commission."_

 _"Why?" For as long as Kentaro has known Cassian Andor, the young man has never done anything without a good reason._

 _"Two injuries back to back. My leg isn't going to heal." He shrugs and leans back into the cushions. "I can't be in the field anymore. And I don't think I want to be."_

 _"Where do you want to be?"_

 _"I don't know."_

 _"I think you do."_

 _"They offered me an advancement. And a desk job. But..." He's not sure how to put this into words. "I can't make the decisions. I can't order people to go do...what I did. What I've done. I can't..."_

 _"I understand." He does, too. He used to be the one in charge. He was the man responsible for the guilt and burdens of so many people. It weighs on him still, too. Even after all these years._

 _"Yeah."_

 _"Tell me about Jyn." He urges gently. He knows Cassian. There's more to this story than he's being told._

 _Cassian hesitates and swallows, unsure where to start. "You know what you used to tell me. To run and leave if I found someone who..."_

 _"Who gives you a reason to live instead of a cause to die for?"_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"That's Jyn." His heart might explode. Or stop altogether. "She's...I don't know. She's...special." How do you define someone like Jyn Erso?_

 _"I can see that." The wrinkle between Cassian's eyebrows disappears when he looks at Jyn, and Kentaro has never seen his young friend so smitten, or heard him stumble over words this way._

 _"Tell me about her, then." He encourages. "Why don't you start with how you met."_

 _There will be no getting around this one. No beating around the bush. No hemming or hawing. So he tells him. Everything. How he found her on Wobani. How they survived Jedha, and how he rescued her off the platform on Eadu after disobeying orders and not assassinating her father. He told Kentaro about Jyn's impassioned speech, and her attempts to encourage them to rally their forces and fight to obtain the Death Star plans. He told him how they stole the Imperial shuttle and infiltrated Scarif and the Citadel Tower. How he fell off the tower and Kaytoo died while saving them. How she nearly died, but he managed to get to Krennic and shoot him before the man in white succeeded in ending the Erso family line. He told him about waking in the infirmary and searching for her. Sitting by her side while she recovered. Finding her on the top of the old Massassi temple pyramid - the night that truly started their friendship. How she'd sleep in his chair, and later on his sofa, wrapped in the blanket. Sometimes wrapped in his coat. And how he'd do anything to keep her safe, and how he sees her in his nightmares. Always dying. Always his fault._

 _"She was raised by Saw Gerrera?" Kentaro was silent until Cassian stopped speaking, out of breath from the effort._

 _"Yeah. For eight years. After Krennic killed her mother and kidnapped her father. Pressed him into service against his will."_

 _"Why eight years?"_

 _"He left her. Said people were about to figure out who she was. Who her father was."_

 _"She does not trust easily." Kentaro observed, understanding her reticence to divulge her past earlier when queried.  
_

 _"Can you blame her?" He can't. No way can he blame her._

 _"Just an observation." Kentaro shrugs. "Not a character flaw." He pauses again, and looks Cassian square in the eye. "But she trusts you."_

 _"I hope so."_

 _"It wasn't a question, Son."_

 _"She...she's...kriff. I don't know."_

 _"I think you do."_

 _"Yeah." He admits, and ducks his head. "I do. She's...she's someone to live for."  
_

 _"You want her to stay with you." Again. Not a question._

 _"Yeah."_

 _"Does she know?"_

 _"No."_

 _"You haven't said anything to her?"_

 _"I told you." Cassian feels small. Like he did when Kentaro found out about his relationship with Nitali. "I don't know what I'm doing."_

 _"Does she know why she's here?" Kentaro has a sneaky suspicion that he hasn't told Jyn anything._

 _"No." Cassian admits, voice small. He knows it was a mistake, but he couldn't risk it._

 _"Why, Son?"_

 _Why indeed? Because she's a flight risk? Because he was afraid she'd run before he ever got to tell her - show her - the life they could have? Because he's a coward._

 _"Just be honest with her." Kentaro worries that Cassian's chance may end before it begins.  
_

 _"I didn't technically lie to her." Because Jyn will respond well to technicalities. That's the intelligence officer talking, and he knows it._

 _"Talk to your girl, Cassian."_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"Tell her how you feel. Tell her you want her to stay." He smiles at the young man beside him. "Are you staying here?"_

 _"If the offer still stands."_

 _"Of course it does." Kentaro gently pats the younger man's knee. "You have to tell her, Son."_

* * *

He hardly dares to believe it's real. She agreed to stay. She's in the bedroom, waiting for him. They're both done fighting - at least to stay alive. He figures they'll fight with each other often enough. But he's done killing. Done walking away after he's done things that sicken him and keep him up at night. Finished running. He's not quite sure what to do with himself now. The war is all he's ever known. He was raised in the war, and so was Jyn. The adjustment will be difficult, but he hopes he's up to the task. He towels off his hair and trims his beard, neatening up the mess. He needs a haircut, too, but he can't focus on that right now. He has a chance - they have a chance. The Empire may always be there, but he knows that he can make a difference peripherally working for Kentarosan. Even Mabion takes transport jobs here and there for the Rebellion. This isn't quitting, he reminds himself. It's living. The possibility is invigorating.

Later, in bed, after an awkward moment where neither were sure what to do, he relaxes and presses his lips against Jyn's wet hair. It's tickling his face and leaving a damp spot on his arm, and he's never been happier.

"Cassian?"

"Yeah?"

"You're wrong." She has to tell him. He has to know. "You're a very good man."

"I don't think..."

"You are. Trust me." She hopes that someday he will.

* * *

 _A/N: I think it's important to clear up a few things. I had some complaints that my Cassian is too soft. Too kind. Too different from the hard Cassian portrayed in the movie and the book. I didn't see him that way at all. I saw a sensitive, tortured soul who's carried out orders that sicken him to the point where he hardly knows who he is any longer. I saw him as a very kind, if imperfect character. In any war, there are people who carry out orders that sicken them, that give them nightmares. As a physician (yes, I really am) I treat these men and women every day. I saw so many of them in Cassian's character. The guilt and burden that he carries is astronomical. I think, given more time, we'd see him be either consumed by it and end his own life, or break away and try to regain some of the parts of himself that he's lost. Because he is lost. He's floundering. He believes in the cause, but even the most just cause may use methods that traumatize those carrying out their orders. And remember, every story has two sides. Heroes to some are villains to others. I wanted the Cassian in my story to not become his own villain - to find some peace, if not absolution._

 _And, as always, a huge thank you to Summers Rage, engineerwenlock, Maria de Sanctos, MonieCat, xbecbebex, lindcita, Capsassian, FlyingCats777, excellentboiledpotatoes, Guest, Vilian, and as always, Mademoiselle le Chat._

 _It's not over, yet. I haven't decided how much more they'll be, but at least one more chapter._

 _While I'm obliquely on the topic, if you are concerned about a loved one or yourself, please disseminate the suicide crisis center phone numbers for suicide prevention in your country. Here are a few for your edification:  
_

 _United Kingdom and Ireland:116 123 (UK), 116 123 (ROI)_

 _France: 01 45 39 40 00_

 _Germany: 0800 111 0 111 (Protestant), 0800 111 0 222 (Catholic), 0800 111 0 333 (for children and youth)_

 _Canada: See Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention website for phone number is your province (I can't post a link here)._

 _United States: 1-800-273-8255 nationwide_

 _Mexico: 5255102550_

 _Australia: 13-11-14_

 _Complain if you want, but I lost a coworker over the weekend. I know we'd all do anything to go back and find indicators and change things for that person. Clearly this list is not exhaustive. If your country was not included, then please know that I did not exclude you purposefully. I have space constraints here.  
_

 _Also, this chapter was crazy difficult for me to write. I'm far too socially awkward to write intrapersonal interactions well! Don't kill me! More introspection next chapter. And I tried. I wrote and edited and rewrote and reedited. I can't make it better.  
_


	24. Chapter 24

Cassian lays awake long after Jyn falls asleep, just savoring the feeling of having her here in his arms. They'd talked quietly a while longer after climbing under the blankets. He carefully slid next to her, easing his arm under her and drawing her body tentatively to his own. He gave her every chance to resist or pull away from him, but when she rested her head on his arm and threw her arm across his waist, he'd become more bold. He'd kissed her, held her so close he could feel her breath on his neck.

"Why didn't you tell me before we left?" She didn't sound angry, merely curious, and he was grateful for that.

"Honestly, I was afraid you'd run. Or just say no." He answers candidly. "Or punch me." The last part he adds as a sort of afterthought, but it's honest.

She doesn't respond to that, and he takes that to mean each option was equally probable. Instead he just takes advantage again his his newfound freedom to finally kiss her. She's intoxicating. They talked briefly about the work they have ahead of them. There are decisions to be made: on which planet to stay, where to live, what to purchase for a home. Neither of them has had a place that felt like home since childhood, and the prospect is rousing.

"Cassian?" Jyn levers up on one elbow and looks him in the eye with concern.

"Mmhm?"

"I can't cook."

He just chuckles and pulls her back down to him, settling her against his chest. "I don't expect you to cook for me." Another laugh. "And I can cook. We won't starve. My repertoire isn't large, but I can learn."

"I'll get better." She promises, chin tipped up to meet his eyes, unwilling to rely on him for everything.

"We both will." He agrees, smiling.

"Can I ask you something?" She asks quietly.

"Anything."

She's been wondering about this. It seems it would have been easier without the charade. "Why make up a mission?"

"Technically, I didn't tell you we had a mission." He admits sheepishly.

Jyn thinks back to the night before they left, trying to remember what he'd said to her. "You didn't?" She finds she can't recall.

"I just said I was leaving, and asked you to come." He still feels badly about the deception, but it was worth it in the end.

"But why?" That doesn't actually answer the first question she'd asked. He never corrected her when she called it a mission.

Cassian pauses and chooses his words carefully as he runs his fingertips up and down her shoulder, calluses catching on the rough material of her shirt. "You said you were going to leave." He confesses quietly. "I didn't want to get back to base and find you'd gone. And I wasn't sure you'd agree to come if I asked."

Jyn considers this quietly, and shifts so her hand is resting over his heart, feeling it's steady beat under her palm.

"Would you have? Agreed to come?" He questions carefully.

"I don't know." She shrugs against him, and he brushes her hair from her eyes. She admits to herself that they've grown closer in the weeks since they left Echo Base. "But I wouldn't have left without saying goodbye. I promised you." She's rarely made a promise that she planned to keep, but that one fit the bill.

"That's not as comforting as you'd think." He responds wryly. She hadn't actually said she wasn't going to leave, but that's all moot now, he supposes.

"Well." She finds she doesn't have anything to add to that. "Did you need to take another dose?"

"Not until morning," He assures her, brushing his hand down her arm. Having someone to worry about him feels nice, he thinks. He could get used to this.

"Okay." She settles warmly against him and hums softly. "Are you sure you don't have a fever?"

"I'm feeling fine." He assures her with a wide grin.

"Really?"

"Really."

Jyn raises her head from his chest and looks at him again, a mischievous look in her eyes. "So you mean to tell me that you had all of this body head the entire time we were on Hoth, and you never shared any of it?"

"Selfish." He grins. "I'll have to make up for it." With that he tucks the blankets around her shoulders.

"Mmmhmm." He can tell she's half asleep already.

Cassian wonders as he watches her doze if he should have been more expansive. Somehow, he asked this magnificent woman to stay and spend a life with him, and she'd agreed. Kentarosan had told him to just be honest, and he's grateful that he took his wise friend's advice. He'd only dared to dream of this recently. So recently, that he's not sure what to do now. He hadn't planned past actually getting to Kentarosan's home and asking Jyn to stay. Now that she's agreed, now that he can relax and stop worrying about her answer, he's not sure what to do now. He supposes he should find employment, but that won't be difficult, as long as Jyn doesn't mind living her or on Giless. He's good with computers and programming, so he supposes that he could find a job on another planet if Jyn isn't keen on either of those options. Knowing Jyn, she'll want to work, too. She likes to be busy, to be useful, he knows. She's handy with fixing a navicomputer; perhaps she's good with other sorts of computers. Or maybe she'll want to do something else. They'll have to talk about it later, he figures. There's so many details to iron out now.

Honestly, he's too excited to sleep, but he eventually drifts off, lulled into slumber by the steady sound of Jyn's breaths and the rhythmic beating of her heart against his side.

* * *

Jyn awoke in the night to again find Cassian's body wrapped around hers, his breath warm and comforting on her shoulder. She'd awakened peacefully, which was unusual for her at this time of night. On any other night this would have been the third or fourth time she'd awakened, and usually with at least one nightmare. She dreamed of her mother most often, watched her stand firm against the man in white and his black, shiny 'Troopers. Watched her sink, lifeless, into the damp, green of the crops. She relived Saw teaching her to shoot a blaster, heard him egging her on the first time she'd actually shot a real person in an ambush. At the time, she hadn't understood that there were people inside the white plastoid suits. Saw had made it almost a game, and she got a prize for hitting the target at center mass. It's obscene to her now, when she thinks about it. She'd gotten a sweet for killing a man. She'd been almost nine years old.

Some nights she felt Saw's men tapping her shoulder, angling for her young attentions. Heard the salacious things they'd muttered between them in voices too loud for it to be an accident that she'd heard, or whispered into her ear when Saw's back was turned. She'd hated puberty; felt that her body was betraying her. Where she had first been with the Partisans, she'd been a child, useful and intelligent and strong, but now she was an object. Constantly looking over her shoulder, sleeping with one eye open, so to speak, worried about her own safety. On bad days, when she missed him terribly, she still wondered if that was part of Saw's reasoning for leaving her behind.

She relived that night, too, in her dreams. Saw telling her to go and wait until morning as he pressed a freshly charged blaster into her hands and tucked a vibroblade into her jacket pocket. Sitting alone on an overturned box until morning, always alert - Saw did raise her, afterall. Waiting faithfully, obediently until morning. When daylight broke, and Jyn discovered the truth, she swore she'd never trust anyone again - that she'd never follow orders or do what anyone told her to do. Eight years of faithful, blind obedience bought her no loyalty, why would she offer such a thing again?

 _Because some men can be trusted_ , the voice in her head reminded her. This is a new voice, though, and it sounds suspiciously like Chirrut. She dreams of him. And Baze, too. Chirrut speaks to her, and Baze mostly stands stalwartly behind him. Nodding. An encouraging smile from time to time. Sometimes he'd give her a motivating sentence or two. Sometimes she sees them die. She's not sure how she knows it, but she's sure her dream is accurate. Chirrut braved a barrage of blaster fire, slowly walking toward a console to flip a lever, blind eyes looking up toward the heavens in joy when he was successful before the sky was wrent apart. Then falling, flying and hitting the ground. Pain. Baze running toward him. _I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me._ There's repeater fire, and then an explosion before everything goes dark. She usually wakes with the explosion, tears clinging to her eyelashes. Tonight was different, though. Tonight they were standing side by side. Chirrut looked more serene than usual, and even Baze had a twinkle in his eye.

 _"I am proud of you, Little Sister._ " She remembers Baze saying in her dream.

 _"Did you find what you need, Jyn?"_ Chirrut chuckled and smiled at her, patting Baze's arm with the back of his hand. _"Sometimes we find that the thing we fear the most is the thing we need to be whole."_

Jyn ponders their meaning as she lays in the dark. Is the thing she fears the most being left behind or is it attaching herself to another person? Chirrut has said that to her in other dreams, too, but she'd never given it much thought before tonight. She'd always assumed it was being left behind again, which is why she kept everyone at arm's length. Now she wonders if she hadn't feared caring about another person as fiercely as she'd loved Saw. He wasn't at all like her parent. He wasn't soft and loving and warm. But he taught her to be strong. He taught her to survive. This man beside her, though, he was already strong. He knew how to survive. And yet, it never stopped him from being soft and gentle and kind to her. It was that kindness that she feared, she realized with a start. If she let herself become used to kindness, she feared she'd forget how to be strong. Cassian didn't seem to want her to be weak, though. He never tried to take any of the parts of her that she valued away. He just kept coming back for her. He kept being kind to her, and then standing back and letting her be herself without demanding she do or be anything in particular.

Deciding she isn't going to figure this out tonight, she rolls over and presses her back Cassian's chest, mimicking their positions from the morning in the hotel room. The fact that she'd never feel comfortable in this position with anyone else does not escape her notice as Cassian unconsciously tugs her closer to him in his sleep. She never would have guessed that he was so physically affectionate, or that she'd allow him to be so with her. This is nice, she thinks, being in his arms. Sleeping next to him. Having him close by. He emits a small noise as he nuzzles his face into her hair, which has dried in a thousand directions because she slept on it wet. She never dreamed that her life would lead her to someone like Cassian, that she'd have a future that doesn't involve scrabbling and fighting just to survive. She never thought about her future at all. She never thought she'd have one.

* * *

"Cass." A whisper and a hand wake Cassian from his slumber, and he groans a little and buries his face further into the space between Jyn and the pillow.

"Cass, wake up."

Awareness permeates Cassian's mind slowly.

"Hey, Cass." Mabion's voice is behind him, and there is a hand grasping his shoulder. "Wake up."

"What?" He whispers and swivels his head as much as he can, trying to not wake Jyn.

"Sorry. I'm heading out. I wanted to say goodbye." He chuckles a little and adds, "So can I say she's your girl, now?"

"That's...yeah." He was going to protest, but there's really no point.

"Good for you two." He really is glad. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's his friend. "Take care of her."

"I plan to." Although he suspects that Jyn is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

"And tell her my offer still stands."

"Offer?"

"She'll know what I mean." Mabion smiles conspiratorially.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing." Mabion pats his arm carefully, aware of Jyn sleeping beside his friend. "Just remind her."

"I will."

"Take care of yourself. And come visit, at least."

"Okay." Cassian pauses and thinks for a moment. "Mabion?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you." He kind of wishes he was standing. "For everything." There are many layers to the meaning of his words, and he hopes his friend understands.

"Don't mention it."

They both freeze when Jyn stirs and groans softly. She grabs Cassian's wrist and checks the time on his chrono.

"Ughmmph." Comes her articulate response to being awakened.

"Sorry." Both men whisper.

"Jyn, I'm heading back home." Mabion takes the opportunity to say goodbye to her, too. "I just wanted to say goodbye."

She pushes herself up to sitting, and smiles at Mabion. "Have a safe trip. And thank you."

"Remember my offer." Mabion steps back as Cassian pushes himself out of bed.

"I will."

She follows Cassian out of the guest room as Mabion goes to the front door to collect his bag and put on his coat. Kentaro and Hanako are both up and waiting, and they each hug the tall man in succession after he puts on his coat. He pulls Cassian into a bear hug and says something quietly that Jyn can't hear. When the step away, Mabion surprises Jyn by hugging her, too.

"Welcome to the family." He tells her as she smiles. "And think about my offer."

"Thanks." She's grinning at him, and sees the puzzled look Cassian is throwing their way. "I'll tell you later." Jyn winks at Cassian, and he swallows hard, shocked by her action.

After Kentaro sees Mabion safely back through the quiet wood and off back to Giless, he stomps back into the house. "Who's up for breakfast?"

Hanako is sitting at the kitchen table sipping cap with Cassian and Jyn. Cassian drops a hand to Jyn's shoulder as he rises. "I'll help."

"Then I'm going to go find some proper sleep clothes for your young lady." Hanako takes her coffee with her, and gestures for Jyn to follow her.

Cassian just leans his hip against the cabinet, waiting. It'll come.

"So." Kentaro begins after a brief pause. "Will we be seeing more of both of you?"

He knows the answer before Cassian speaks by the way his eyes light up at the thought. "Yeah." He admits shyly, ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Cassian." Kentaro is smiling at him. "I'm happy for you."

"Thank you." He knows the older man will understand the many layered meanings of the simple phrase.

"When is the wedding?" He's grinning at Cassian.

"Um...well...we didn't talk about that." In fact they hadn't talked about anything involving emotions or commitments. He knows that avoiding the issues is just dodging a conversation they'll have to have eventually, but it felt like too soon. He promised her that he'd never leave her, and he knows that this is more important to Jyn than any other platitudes.

"Really?"

"Yes." He responds simply. He knows that to Jyn, the promise that she won't be abandoned means more than any profession of love, no matter how heartfelt.

"Plenty of time for that later." Kentarosan pronounces happily as he starts preparing ingredients.

* * *

After everyone has eaten and changed clothes, Cassian corners Jyn in the guest room with a kiss to her forehead.

"What was Mabion's offer?" He murmurs against her hair as he wraps her in his embrace.

"He offered me a job." She tips her chin up and rests it on her sternum. "Why?"

"Just wondering." It's just like Mabion to offer Jyn employment. "Do you want to take it?"

"I don't know." She really doesn't. She hasn't given it much thought at all, honestly, until this morning. Back on Giless when he whispered it in her ear, she'd just brushed it off and thought he was being cheeky. She hadn't given it another thought until he mentioned it this morning when he said goodbye.

"Did he know what you were planning?"

Cassian is suddenly nervous, anxious that she's upset. "No." He tells her honestly. "I didn't say anything to anyone until we got here. Kentarosan is the only person I told. Except for Senator Mothma. And Draven figured it out."

That hadn't been a pleasant conversation.

 _"You're resigning your commission?" Draven's typically even voice has a hint of incredulity._

 _"Yes, Sir."_

 _"After all you've accomplished? After everything you've done for the Rebellion? Why quit now?"_

 _"It's just...time for me to go, Sir." He really does not want to have this conversation with the General. He is not a man prone to sentimentality, and he will not understand. He also knows Cassian well enough to perceive when he's being less than truthful._

 _"Does this have something to do with that Erso girl?" Draven always knows. He's heard the rumors around base, he's seen the way his young captain looks at the corporal with well-concealed hints of longing and jealousy._

 _Cassian hesitates long enough that Draven has his answer._

 _"Of course it does." There are days that he regrets sending a team to extract the troublesome girl, and he definitely regrets that Cassian didn't leave her on Jedha or Eadu. He's losing his best soldier - his best operative and officer._

 _"Are you really going to throw away your entire career for a criminal? She's nothing, Cassian. Be reasonable."_

 _"I'm not throwing anything away." He retorts, annoyed at his commanding officer for insinuating that Jyn isn't worth his time. "And she's not nothing, Sir. She's..."_

 _"She'll leave you. Probably penniless. Or with a knife in your back." Draven sneers. "She's just a criminal, Andor. You can't trust her."_

 _"Yes, I can." He counters. "And she's not just a criminal, Sir. She's a soldier. She's the reason we were able to capture the plans and destroy the Death Star. She's the reason the Rebellion has a chance."_

 _"She'll destroy you, Cassian." Draven changes strategies, and goes for feigning concern instead._

 _"No she won't." He's firm._

 _"How do you know?"_

 _"I know because...trust goes both ways, Sir."_

 _Draven just harumphed at that and stalked away._

* * *

The next few days are a blur for Jyn and Cassian. They sat down and discussed it, and decided to stay on Monbetsu, at least for a while. Kentarosan owns a company that consults and installs security systems. Cassian knows he can be useful there. What he hadn't anticipated, but really should have, was Kentaro offering a job to Jyn, as well. Apparently Mabion spoke highly of her ability to fix and reprogram the navicomputer. Jyn was so excited to have gainful employment that she'd actually hugged Kentaro. Cassian smiles when he recalls the memory of her being affectionate to the man who has treated him like a son for nine years.

Hanako helps them find a small cabin not too far from hers. It's not much, but the way Jyn's eyes light up when she walks through it and considers living there and having a home makes Cassian's heart skip a few beats. They agree to rent it right away, and Hanako talks the owner down a few hundred credits per month. It's not furnished, and neither one has much money. They start out with a bed and a kitchen table, and agree to buy the rest in pieces when they can afford it. They can't move in right away, so Jyn uses the extra time at the Hatakeyama's to ask that Hanako teach her more about cooking.

Cassian joins them for several of the cooking lessons, but is quickly banished from the kitchen when he spends most of his time standing behind Jyn with his arms wrapped around her waist. They both start work right away, and it is only than four days later that Kentaro and Cassian leave for a few days to install a security system in a new, large apartment building on a planet in the Mid Rim.

Jyn worries and paces anxiously in the house with Hanako in the evenings. She'd done her share of pacing back on Yavin 4 and Echo Base when Cassian was away on a mission, but there was never anyone to witness her distress. Even when she walked the icy halls on Hoth, no one knew why she was out walking endlessly at all hours of the night. Hanako just smiled wisely, and tried to gently distract her with stories of Cassian in his younger days, lessons on cooking and local plants. She took Jyn on a hike through the snowy forest one grey afternoon. Jyn tired gamely to keep up with the older woman, but her boots were full of snow, and her feet were soaking wet and freezing cold. She ignored the discomfort like the soldier Saw trained her to be, but Hanako noticed her swiping a handful of white powder from the top of her footwear, and decreed they turn back immediately. On the way back to the house, however, she told Jyn about what lay in store for her on the other side of the clearing. If they kept walking, she told her, they'd find an easy to follow trail that would lead them through another thatch of trees, and then down a small hill into the valley below. From there, she promised Jyn, she could have a view of the four mountain peaks leading down into a canyon with a crystal clear river at the bottom. Scenery has never interested Jyn much, but she has to admit that after the sights on the ride into the area with Mabion, she definitely wants to explore.

"We'll have to get you both some good boots." Hanako chides as Jyn removes her sodden, well-worn socks. "And some socks."

Jyn blushes when she rises two days later to find a stack of brand new, thick socks on the chair inside the guest room.

Jyn receives her first pay, downloaded onto the credit chip that Mon Mothma sent her, and goes with Hanako to the market. She buys a pair of warm boots on Hanako's insistence, and then they browse the stalls. Hanako points out linens and dishes, and it takes Jyn a full twenty minutes to realize that she's going to need them. She's never had much of an eye for color, needing instead to blend in for most of her life, so she shyly asks Hanako to help her pick out things that Cassian will like.

"Dear, he will like anything that you like." Hanako pats her arm gently.

"I don't know what I like." Jyn admits, having never needed to develop opinions on things as frivolous as towels or blankets.

They pick out light green towels and blue sheets for the bed they ordered.

"You're going to need several blankets for the winters here." Hanako advises.

Jyn blushes at the memory of Cassian keeping her warm at night, but finds a grey blanket that is similar to the one he bought for her back at base. Hanako protests the drab color, so she also grabs a soft light blue coverlet, as well. They find a stall selling second hand dishes, and Jyn grabs a few mismatched plates and bowls, and remembers Cassian's mug from his quarters on Hoth. She hasn't seen it lately, but they haven't exactly unpacked. If that's the kind of thing he likes, then she wants to find him more. She puts all the dishes back, and moves on to look for more rustic looking pottery.

"I know of a shop that might have what you need." Hanako leads her away from the market, and back to the speeder. They drop off their parcels and head to a shop a few minutes outside of the town center.

"Try in here." She urges Jyn as they climb out of the speeder. "I think they might have what you need."

Jyn immediately finds exactly what she's looking for. Mugs, bowls, plates. They have it all. It's more money than she'd planned on spending, but she has a job now, and the money from Mon Mothma, so she buys them. Cassian will like them, she's certain, so it's worth it.

"Do you have a teapot?" Hanako asks her, looking at a lovely ceramic object. "Does Cassian still drink tea?"

"He does." Jyn asserts. "And no, I don't think so." The price is too expensive for now, so she has to leave it. "Can we come back in a few weeks? He'd like that one."

Hanako and Jyn stack all of the packages in the room Mabion stayed in when they first arrived, and they heat up leftovers from last night's dinner. After they've cleaned up a bit, Hanako hands Jyn a small parcel.

"For you, Dear." She smiles at Jyn's confused look. "Open it."

Jyn carefully opens the wrappings, and looks with confusion at Hanako when she sees the contents. Brown leggings, fluffy purple socks, a long green jacket that ties around the waist, and a green tunic.

"You need something of your own to sleep in." Hanako pats Jyn's cheek maternally. "You're welcome to keep the ones I loaned you, but I thought these might be more your style."

"You bought me..." Jyn trails off, speechless at the gesture. "I...you didn't..."

"Of course I didn't have to." Hanako understands what she means, of course. "But I wanted to." She loves this sweet girl who makes Cassian happy.

"Thank you." Jyn stammers, touched at the action. She tries to remember the last time someone other than Cassian bought something new and beautiful for her, but it must have been her mother. Probably on Coruscant.

"Why..." She has to ask.

"We never had children." Hanako leans back in her chair and sips her tea. "We were too busy fighting, organizing. It never seemed like the time, so we just adopted the youngest members of our units. Some, like Cassian and Mabion, keep in touch and became like family to us." Jyn is watching her intently as she tells the tale. "And I always wanted a daughter."

Jyn blushes again, for the second time that day, at the implication. "I...thank you." She's very touched by the idea that these lovely people who love Cassian have accepted her into their home and lives so readily.

Jyn wears her new sleep clothes to bed, and is awakened in the very early morning by the feeling of someone warm climbing into bed behind her.

"Cassian!" She hadn't expected to be so happy to see him again, and turns over to greet him.

"I just got back." He presses his lips to hers, and wraps his arms around her once more, relishing the feeling.

"Did it go well?" She asks between kisses as she tightens her arms around his shoulders, enjoying the feeling of his lean, muscled back under her fingertips.

"It did." He rests his forehead against hers for a moment. "How were things here?"

"Good." She kisses his cheek, and smiles against it, his stubble tickling her face. "We got some stuff for the house."

"And new clothes." He observes.

"They're from Hanako." Jyn smiles at the memory.

"They look comfortable." Cassian has a few other ideas about them, but he'll keep quiet for now.

"Very." She agrees, then focuses her attention elsewhere as Cassian kisses her again and rolls her underneath of him. She moans her displeasure when he pulls away a few minutes later, both gasping for breath.

"Not here." He murmurs, pressing a trail of kisses down her neck. Kentaro and Hanako are like a third set of parents to him, and they're just a wall away. He can't engage in any amorous activities here. It just feels wrong.

"Yeah, sure." Jyn breaths as she hooks a leg around his. She's never needed another human being before, not like she needs to touch Cassian. To hold him, see him, kiss him.

"Jyn." He draws out the syllable at her movement. "I mean it. Not here. I can't. When we move." He moves off of her, and presses gently kisses against her temple.

"Tease." She smiles at him in the darkness, and her words hold no bite.

"Later." He promises, but he's not being entirely truthful with her. There's something he needs to tell her first.

* * *

 _A/N: I had wicked writer's block this week. This finally took shape yesterday. I think I can wrap this up in one more chapter, but it might end up being two. I get verbose. It's my pathology._

 _Thank you all to you lovely people who reviewed chapter 23! Thank you go Guest, Guest, Angarad, Guest, Maria de Sanctos, MsOsgood11, Jpezcandy, Guest, TortoisetheStoryteller, SandBank, xbecbebex, Guest, leafdom05, Capsassian, excellentboiledpotatoes, Luwein-2013, lindcita, EggDupont, Vilian, Guest, Summers Rage, Mademoiselle le Chat, engineerwenlock, loli-pop0394, Moniecat, and Icbacteria. You made my week better!_


	25. Chapter 25

Jyn requests that Cassian stop at the marketplace and buy some warm, winter boots the next day at after work. She is enjoying her gainful employment. Her part of the operation involves creating the processor boards and programming them once the computers were built to make installation easier on-site. Cassian likes to come and watch her work when he's not busy, enjoying the way she bites her bottom lip when she was focused on soldering the tiny filaments and whatnot. He wonders if she makes that face when concentrating on other things.

"How did you learn to do this?" He finally breaks down and asks her one day on the way to lunch.

"Make the processor boards?" She tips her chin up to smile at him as they walk, bumping her shoulder against his arm playfully.

"Yeah."

"I took a job on a ship with a smuggler a few years ago." She grabs her coat from his office, and they head out to a food stall he discovered before he left on his last job.

"His first mate was handy with computers. Taught me stuff." She smiles at the memory. They were good guys, for smugglers. The first mate actually laid a guy out flat in a bar once when he wouldn't take Jyn's "no" for an answer.

Cassian just nods as he points to what he'd like to order. "What are you getting?"

"Oh, the same." He makes it two, and hands over a few credits. They gather their meals, and head back inside the building.

"How long did you work for them?" He finds that the more he learns about Jyn, the more he realizes he doesn't know.

"About eight months."

Cassian is surprised to learn she obtained this proficiency with computer assembly and repair in eight months. Then again, perhaps he shouldn't be as astonished as he is; both of her parents were scientists. Her father was a bona fide genius, it's not a wonder she's quick to learn anything you teach her. Surely some of that intelligence is heritable. In a more perfect world, he figures Jyn would have been able to foster her educational talents as well. He wonders again what she could have become, had she been given the opportunity. All things considered, though, he's very grateful that she's here with him.

"Why did you leave?" She doesn't sound like she disliked this job, so he's curious about her reasons for quitting.

Why indeed, she wonders. Because she was getting too comfortable. Because she wanted to trust them, and she wasn't about to allow that kind of weakness so soon after Saw's betrayal.

"It was time to move on." She answers vaguely, and Cassian comprehends everything she isn't saying aloud. The way he grabs her hand tells her he understands. She rewards him with a smile and a shy peck on the cheek.

"Don't forget to stop and get boots." She nudges his foot gently under his desk.

"I won't." He grins at her around a bite of dumpling, heart swelling. Jyn took to physical contact with him more quickly than he'd anticipated. Honestly, he thought he'd have to tiptoe around, slowly getting her used to the idea of him touching or even hugging her. His heart swells every time she initiates contact or accepts a new boundary. Instead of the slow dance he'd predicted, she freely accepts his touches and frequently initiates forays into new territories without provocation.

* * *

Later that night Cassian wakes, and carefully climbs out of bed to go to the lavatory. He stands by the bed for a moment, just watching Jyn sleep, bathed in the slits of moonlight that peeked through the curtains. Her forehead is wrinkled, and she looks worried. This is not the relaxed face of slumber he is starting to get used to seeing. Reaching out two fingers, he carefully smooths her forehead, whispering comforting words of assurance before nature's call becomes too strong.

When he returns, Jyn is sleeping more quietly, so he carefully climbs back between the blankets. Jyn moans, an anguished, clipped sound that halts his movements instantly. That look is back on her face, worried. Anxious. Fearful? Her breathing less even, too, now quick, shallow breaths.

"Jyn." His voice is quiet as he reaches for her. Nightmare. He's told himself for months that he's going to do something about her nightmares one day, and today's the day. One hand rubs her shoulder, gently stroking up and down her arm as he slides closer to her as if his mere proximity could somehow help her fight the demons that haunt her dreams.

"-assian" He hears her murmur as she reaches for him, pulling his torso to her with arms around his neck.

He closes his eyes as his heart squeezes and skips beats. This chest almost hurts as he whispers against her hair, "I'm here." He keeps his voice low and soft. "You're okay. I'm right here."

She makes a small sound as she twists into the pillows, tightening her hold on Cassian's neck. If he wasn't so touched, he'd move and try to find a more comfortable position. His neck is bent at an almost painful angle, but he'll stay here as long as he can. As long as she needs him to. Because it was him she reached for when she was scared in her sleep. It was his name on her lips. His presence calmed her. This moment, here, in an uncomfortable position, balancing awkwardly on one arm to try to keep from crushing her with his weight, he never wants it to end. This means more to him than any words she may never be able to say to him. She's more relaxed around him now than he ever hoped she would be. She lets him kiss her, and returns that affection, but words are difficult for her, he knows.

Cassian slides down and slowly, carefully relaxes against her shoulder, drawing an arm around her torso. He's shocked into stillness again when she makes another sound and burrows into him, rolling on to her side and breaths quickening again. Another nightmare or a continuation of the last one, he's not certain. What he does know is that he needs to do something, so he speaks. Softly at first, barely a whisper, then a bit louder. The lyrical sounds of Festian dripping carefully off of his tongue. She stills again, almost immediately, and it emboldens him. He keeps up his calming utterances, telling her things he'd never dare to say in Basic, making promises he worries she'd resist if he made them when she was conscious. Jyn eventually calms again, breathing evening out and her grip on him loosening a bit. He's often wondered if he should wake her when she's in the throes of a nightmare, but this is a much better method, it seems.

After a while, when Jyn is still relaxed and resting, limbs tangled with his, Cassian allows himself to drift back to sleep. His own dreams, typically turbulent and terrifying, are entirely different tonight. When he wakes in the morning, he can't contain the smile that stretches across his face. The weight of Jyn's body is pressing him into the mattress. At some point during the night he must have rolled onto his back. He either brought Jyn with him, or she crawled onto his chest later. Her head is pillowed on his shoulder, face pressed against his neck, one leg between his, and a small hand resting on his shoulder. He'd never expected this from Jyn, this easy level of physical intimacy. She struck him as someone who'd been hurt so badly by others in her life that she'd be slow to trust him. Slow to reach out for him, allow him to reach for her. Instead he wakes to find her draped around him, snuggled into the warmth of his body. He's done nothing in his life to deserve this, he knows. This kind of happiness is for other men. Better men. Men who haven't ended the lives of countless others and walked away without so much as a word. He runs his fingertips down her spine, savoring the sensation of her body against his.

The first time Jyn suggested that they share a bed he thought he'd pass out from the shock. She told him that she trusted him, and then she'd proven that by allowing him to rest beside her when she is most vulnerable. This, though, this waking to find her near him, on top of him, sleeping peacefully with her face buried in his neck, this is even more meaningful. His fingers ghost down her arm, noticing the softness of her new sleep clothes and the delicate bones of her wrist and hand. Her breath is warm on his skin, leaving a moist spot where it condenses. His chrono will start buzzing any moment now, ruining this for him. There's no way for him to silence it without waking her, the movement would be too sudden and obvious. Instead he closes his eyes and draws in a deep breath, pushing away the memories that keep him up most nights, the endless replay of faces and names. Murderer. Assassin. Saboteur.

 _"You're a very good man."_

She said that to him recently, but she'd change her mind if she ever finds out the truth. He may not be a good man, but he can be good to her. He can be what she needs. If she ever found out the whole truth about him, though, he figures she'd turn tail and run faster than even she ever thought possible. In the quiet stillness of mornings like this one, though, sometimes he can almost forget about the things he's done, the things that turn his stomach and make him hate himself. He can almost just focus on the feel of Jyn. The warmth of her body against his. The softness of her skin under his fingertips. The silken texture of his hair as it tickles his throat. The memory of the way she smiles at him in those rare, unguarded moments. The feel of her soft lips as he slides his own across them. She gasps a little when he kisses her temple, then relaxes as the tension melts from the muscles in her shoulders. Perhaps he can become a good man, a man worthy of the loyalty and affection of this wonderful creature in his arms.

Right on time, his chrono buzzes, alerting him that it is time to rise and ready for the day. He hurries to silence it, but lets his eyes slip closed for a moment. Jyn groans, low and deep, voice heavy with sleep, then she burrows her face further into his neck. He can feel the vibration of the sound she makes into his skin, and the softness of her lips against his neck. He's rarely been granted permission to watch her awaken. Back on Yavin 4 and even on Hoth, she'd flee his quarters in the early morning before he rose. She slept fitfully on the journey here, and he was never even certain that she was fully asleep. Carefully staying still, he grants her a few more moments of peace and slumber, wondering how the rapid beating of his heart hasn't awakened her already.

Still, they do have to get up and prepare for the day. Unless they feel like walking all the way to town, they'll need to be ready for work when Kentaro leaves with the speeder. It's their turn to prepare breakfast, too, but and he needs to get up. He'd rather cut off his own arm than wake her, though, push her off of him. It's a dream he never dared even allow himself to have, this closeness. Domesticity. It's not quite normalcy, as he's never had this sort of contentment in his life before now, but he'd give anything for this to become normal.

The chrono is going to buzz again at any moment, rudely pulling Jyn from her slumber. It's probably kinder to wake her himself.

"Jyn." His voice is a whisper, fingers threading through her silken hair. She's been wearing it down recently, and he keeps forgetting to ask why, but he likes it. His opinion likely doesn't matter, but he's going to enjoy it while it lasts.

"Jyn, honey." He traces the outline of her face with his fingertips, dragging them down her neck to her shoulder, and gives it a squeeze. "We have to get up. It's morning."

Her only response is another groan and buries her face further into the space between his neck and shoulder. He thinks she may have muttered something that sounds suspiciously like "no," but he's not sure.

"Jyn, my..." His chrono interrupts his attempts to wake her gently.

"I'm going to take that thing outside and shoot it." Jyn grumbles plainly as he silences the alarm.

Cassian just smiles and rests his cheek on the top of her head. "Sorry." He apologizes sincerely as he allows himself to brush her hair away from her neck. "But we do need to get up."

"I'm comfortable." She mutters into his shoulder, and his heart squeezes in that fashion he's becoming familiar with where Jyn is concerned. He allows himself a deep breath before responding.

"Me, too." He grants himself the luxury of pressing a kiss to her forehead, lips lingering linger than strictly necessary. "But we..."

"I know." She mutters, lips soft against the skin of his neck, then starts to move off of him. "Sorry."

"For what?" He doesn't release her completely, rolling onto his side and following her movements.

"I didn't mean to...crush you."

"You're too little to crush me." He smiles fondly at her, and fiddles a bit with the edge of the blanket covering her shoulder. "I need to get up and start breakfast." He reminds her, explaining why he needs to rise.

"I'll help." She smiles that wide, unguarded smile that he can't resist returning. "Just don't give me something I can burn."

He drops a kiss to the space between her eyebrows. "You won't burn anything. I believe in you."

"You have too much faith in my abilities." She smirks at him as she pushes herself to a seated position.

"No such thing." He spares another fleeting touch down her arm, delighting in his newfound freedom to do so.

He starts breakfast while Jyn hops in the 'fresher and cleans up for the day. She emerges pink and smiling from the bliss of a real, warm shower, and he can't help himself from backing her against the counter top and kissing her soundly.

"Good morning." She gasps, breathless when he pulls away.

"Good morning." He murmurs against the skin of her throat.

"What are you making, and how do I not mess it up?"

"Chilaquiles." He explains, but knows that won't clear up anything for Jyn, who is unfamiliar with Festian cooking. "Just stir the sauce so it doesn't burn." He points to a pile of fruits he removed from the ice box, and the platter they've been using. "If you could slice those and maybe make some caf. That should do it. I won't be long."

Jyn grabs a spoon and give the red sauce a few stirs, then grabs a knife and starts slicing.

True to his word, Cassian is back in under ten minutes. Barefoot and relaxed, he tries to take over the cooking duties.

"No." Jyn protests. "I want to learn how to make this." She can tell by the way the name of the dish slid off his tongue that this is something he grew up eating. This is his food, his comfort. She wants to lean to do this for him.

Cassian sees Hanakosan shuffling her way into the kitchen, but ignores her presence for a moment to drop a kiss to Jyn's lips again. "Okay." He agrees, lips still against hers. "I'll teach you."

"Good morning." He greets his friend as he straightens up, smiling sheepishly. "Breakfast is almost ready."

Hanako responds only with a peck on his cheek and a one-armed hug for Jyn. "You take your time." She admonishes, and winks at Cassian as she shuffles back out of the small kitchen.

* * *

The rest of the week goes smoothly, mostly repeats of the days previous. They switch off breakfast and dinner duties, and Jyn truly does make strides in improving her cooking skills. Hanako is wonderfully patient with her, and gives her tasks she can master, leaving her with a feeling of accomplishment. Cassian introduces her to new ingredients that he finds to make the dishes of his homeland.

"How do you now how to make these?" She asks him one night as they make dinner. He was just a young child when his family died, younger even than she was when she went to live with Saw. Surely he can't just remember these recipes from twenty years ago.

"I found a book of recipes a few years ago." He admits. "And downloaded it onto my datapad. You can read it if you want."

"I'd like that." Her green eyes sparkle, and Cassian has to turn away, admonishing himself. The closer they become, the more she opens up to him and allows herself the comfort he offers, the more he remembers why he doesn't deserve her. It feels wrong, this happiness. This easy, comfortable life he's trying to have. After everything he's done, he can't deserve this. It can't last.

"I'll get if for you after dinner." He utters quietly, feeling the disdain for himself welling up and threatening to spill over.

"Thank you." She's beside him, looking up at him with wide green eyes, open and understanding, as if she can read his mind. "I look forward to it." She reaches up on her toes and presses a quick kiss to his cheek, one hand grabbing his and squeezing it. She stands there, silent for a moment, just looking into his eyes, and he knows that she _knows_. She knows what he's thinking. He'll never understand how she does it, how they do it, but it's never a secret from her when he starts feeling like this. When the weight and enormity of his past actions in the Rebellion threaten to crush him. She knows, and she grabs his hand or his face, and she searches his eyes, drawing him into her own and drawing him back to her. Grounding him.

"I don't deserve you." He murmurs quietly, breaking the silence.

"No." She agrees, and startles him. "You deserve better, but I'm sticking around until you get tired of me."

"That's never going to happen." He promises, winding his arms around her waist and holding her to him. He was wrong, he realizes. He told Chirrut once that he and the Force have different priorities. If the Force gave him Jyn, then he is going to be a believer for the rest of his life. She is his priority now. A gift that he feels inadequate to receive, but will care for faithfully until his last breath.

"And don't say that about yourself." He's cupping the back of her head, holding it to him, burying her face in that spot in his neck. He wonders if she feels the same about their touches. After twenty years of loneliness and solitude, his skin aches for her. He yearns to reach for her, to brush his fingers against any piece of her he can reach. The feeling of her in his arms, her skin against his, her body next to him; he feels like she's putting pieces of him back together. Every time she reaches for him, initiates contact, kisses him or runs her fingers through his hair, he feels a bit more whole. "You're...you're everything."

He can't find the words to finish the thought properly, and he wanted to say so much more. But they're here, in the kitchen in his friend's home, and Kentaro and Hanako are just a room away. They're probably eavesdropping if he knows Hanako. She took him shopping a few days ago under the guise of having a strapping young man available to carry her bags. She spent most of the time giving him advice and interrogating him about Jyn.

 _"She's very fond of you." Hanako observes as she picks out vegetables._

 _"Well, I hope so." He shrugged as a flush crept up from his collar._

 _"And you are fond of her." It's not a question, and she hands him a few yellow vegetables to add to the basket._

 _"I am."_

 _"Kentaro tells me you haven't discussed a wedding." She said it offhand, like this is a normal thing to discuss over crates of produce. "Why is that?"_

 _Cassian isn't sure how to respond. There's no point in lying or evading the question. Hanako always knows. She reads him like an open book._

 _"It just doesn't seem like the time." It's the closest thing to truth he can manage right now._

 _"You're afraid." She's pointing at him, using a long vegetable to poke him in the chest._

 _"I guess."_

 _"My boy, that girl loves you." Hanako smiles at him tenderly, remembering the uncertainty that comes with young love and a new relationship. "And you love her."_

 _He gulps, but keeps his face neutral. Impassive._

 _"Have you told her that, yet?" She's quieter now, softer. More understanding of his reticence._

 _"No." He admits shamefully. "I don't..."_

 _"Why don't you start there?"_

 _He knows he should. It's cowardly to not, to just keep stringing Jyn along without any sort of real emotion attached to it. He did promise her that he wouldn't leave her, he reminds himself, and that means a lot to her. They're growing closer, both physically and emotionally. He's opened up to her more than he ever has to anyone, and she haltingly reciprocates. It's hard for her, he knows. Force, it's hard for him. But they're getting there, two damaged souls working towards being whole. He doesn't want to scare her, though. A declaration of love, no matter how honest, may send her running._

 _"She might not want to hear it." He whispers, terrified to voice the fear aloud, lest it lend credence to his concern._

 _"You'll know when the time is right." She hands him a handful of leafy green vegetables and smiles at him. "Trust your instincts. You've always had good instincts."_

* * *

Jyn wants to go for a hike the next morning. They both have the day off, but Cassian is wary. They're unfamiliar with the area, and he hasn't hiked since his most recent leg injury. It's doesn't really hurt anymore, but it's more activity than he's attempted in a while.

"You got your boots, right?" Jyn is buzzing around him, ecstatic at the possibility of exercise and freedom. She's never had the opportunity to just enjoy the scenery, and the path Hanako showed her when Cassian was away has been calling to her.

"I have them." He nods, but is still unsure this is a good idea. He has no concept of where they're headed.

"Here's a locator to keep you on the path." Kentaro overhears them, and hands Jyn a small position device. "I programmed it with the destination already. You want to see the valley, right?"

"Yes." Jyn's face lights up, and Cassian knows he can't deny her this. They won't get lost, he has a com he can use to call Kentaro if they need assistance. There's no real danger, and he's not sure why he's so anxious about this idea.

"Then we should go." He announces, and is instantly relieved that he's made the right decision when he see's the elation on Jyn's face. He could never deny her this, he realizes. Not when agreeing to this hike makes her eyes light up and sparkle like they are right now.

The day is perfect for a walk, he realizes gratefully as they set out. Hanako packed them a few snacks and a thermos of hot tea, and he's carrying them in a pack on his back. Jyn is forcing herself to slow and walk beside him, but her excitement is contagious, and even he is feeling the anticipation of the view that Hanako promised is in store for them.

They walk through the first thatch of trees, the tall ones that Jyn noticed when they arrived. The silence is almost eerie, but Jyn fills it with her memories of the time she an Hanako walked this way. She'd wanted to bring Cassian that very day to see the trees. Cassian, for his part, is enjoying the excursion. In truth, his leg isn't bothering him as much as he thought it might. That, coupled with the way Jyn's eyes glisten like the sun hitting the pure, white snow, leave him feeling happier than he has been in years.

"I'm not sure exactly how far it is." Jyn apologizes, somehow knowing that he wasn't quite as enthusiastic about this outing as was she. "We turned back here." She's still touched by that fact, that Hanako demanded they turn back and go buy Jyn proper winter footwear when she realized how cold her feet were. She glances at her new boots, and then at Cassian's, and smiles. "Are you warm enough?"

"I'm plenty warm." He smiles at her, removing a glove and tucking some stray hair back into her hat. "And I'm having a nice time."

Jyn grabs his ungloved hand in hers, and gives it a squeeze. He can't help himself, and he stills her by pulling on her hand and presses his lips to hers.

"You're beautiful." He breaths reverently as he pulls away, still mesmerized by the look of joy on her face and the sparkle if her big, green eyes.

Jyn just blushes and looks away uncomfortably at his declaration, so he gently moves her face to look up at him with a finger under her chin. "You are. Trust me."

She tries to look away again, but he keeps her there, and drops another kiss to her lips. "Believe me." He pleads, lips still against hers. "You're beautiful." He wants to ask her if he's ever lied to her before, but knows that he has. He lied to her on Eadu. He lied to her about the purpose of this whole trip.

Jyn is blushing furiously, and desperately trying to look away from Cassian's intense brown eyes. She's been called many things in her lifetime, but beautiful has never been one of them. Annoying. Worthless. Troublesome. Criminal. She's used to those attributes. Only Cassian has ever cared to call her beautiful, to look at her like it's true, like he means it.

"You're..." She searches for a word that will end this conversation. "Nice." She finishes lamely, defeated.

"I'm honest." He presses, but lets her turn from him. "And I'm right." He can't help but add as she turns red and looks down at her boots. Her lips are pursed, and he knows he shouldn't continue. She doesn't have to believe him today, he reasons. He'll just keep repeating it until she does. He finally found the thing that makes her blush the way he does when she tells him he's a good man, a good person. Cassian wonders what else will make her flush like that. What other things does she not believe about herself? He'll find them, and he'll repeat them until she knows. Until she understands exactly who he sees when he looks at her.

The hike isn't that long, just over a standard hour, and they arrive well before noon. The sunlight is angled just so, and the entire valley is a spectacle of glittering white. As promised, the four mountain peeks rise like monoliths around the valley, white capped and awe-inspiring. The river cutting through the bottom of the valley hasn't frozen yet, and is an icy blue, almost turquoise. He can hear the rushing of the water in the quiet, even from this elevation above the valley floor. Jyn is brushing snow off of what she hopes will be a flat rock. She's completely relaxed, her discomfort from earlier long forgotten. Cassian moves to join her and removes the bag from his back.

"Here." He spreads out a blanket over the rock to protect them.

"Look!" Jyn breaths as she points to a large bird of prey soaring on a thermal above the river. "Do you know what kind it is?"

He smiles at her assumption that he knows everything about this area. She has full faith in him, he realizes. Trust. "No idea." He answers honestly. "But we can look it up when we get back." He's never had any interest in birds, but if Jyn wants to know, then he'll find every book there is on the subject for her. He wishes he'd brought his quadnocs so she could inspect it more closely. He tucks this bit of information away for later; Jyn likes birds.

"I bet it's really beautiful here at sunrise." She mentions as he hands her a package of lunch. "Or sunset."

"We can find out." He promises with a smile. "But lets wait until it gets warmer to go hiking in the dark." Just in case they get lost, he'd like to not lose a toe to hypothermia. Or worse, yet, lose Jyn.

"Deal." She bites into her lunch distractedly and keeps her eyes on the spectacle below. She eats quietly, watching the valley for more signs of life. He hears her gasp, and watches her eyes light up as she spies something else, but has to force himself to tear his own eyes away from her face to see what she's found.

"Is that some sort of...what is that?" Lah'mu didn't have much in the way of large wildlife, and she's rarely encountered anything in nature like this. The beast in question appears large from this distance. Shaggy fur covers most of it's body, and there are large, curled horns growing out of the top of it's head. Four legs, like a bantha, but the resemblance ends there. Far smaller than a bantha, and much more majestic.

"I'm not much of a biologist." Cassian admits. "Why don't we get you some books on local wildlife?" He brings voice to his earlier idea.

"I'd like that." She flashes him that smile again, the one that makes his chest feel like it's going to explode.

They watch the animal in silence, Jyn gasping quietly when a smaller version appears from the forest. Clearly it's a baby version of the other, larger animal.

"I've never seen anything like this." Jyn breaths.

Cassian hasn't, either, but he's referring to Jyn, breathless and elated at the spectacle unfolding before her eyes. This reminds him of her expression when they flew into the area from Capital City. She's awed by the beauty of this place, and she's tucked herself beside him, under his arm. She hums quietly every time he presses a kiss to her temple or her cheek, pink and flushed from the cold.

This is the perfect day Cassian has been searching for, and he can't believe he didn't want to come. He hadn't wanted to trudge through the snow and ice for nothing. He'll never deny her a walk in nature again, he realizes, if it ends with her smiling like this. She's magnificent, relaxed and awestruck by the beauty of the valley. There's a small, red building across the valley halfway up the tallest mountain. Strings of multicolored flags flutter in the breeze all around it.

"Is that a temple?" She's pointing across the valley at the building he was just observing.

"That's my guess, but I'm not an expert on this planet."

"I love it here." Jyn presses closer to him almost unconsciously, and rests her hand on his leg.

"Here." He hands her the thermos of tea, still hot, but the perfect temperature for sipping.

She takes a sip, eyes closing as she savors the warmth. "Thanks. That's really good."

He hasn't been paying attention to the sky, but clouds must have blown in while they were sitting on the rock and enjoying their picnic. A few fat snowflakes flutter down, much to Jyn' delight. Cassian's first instinct is to pack up and head back, lest she get cold, but Jyn makes no move to leave.

"It's snowing!" She's never been happy about snow before, but the backdrop of the wide valley, now bathed in sparkling snowfall makes her giggle.

Cassian has been mostly quiet during this outing, but he can't help himself. "It used to snow like this back home. On Fest."

He has her undivided attention now, green eyes watching his own patiently.

"My brother and sisters and I used to play in the forest. We built snow forts and had snowball fights. Then my mother would fix us something warm and sit us by the fireplace." He smiles at the memory of a simpler time. "It was never this pretty." He amends. "But it was home."

"It snowed on Lah'mu in the winter." Jyn adds, understanding his need to have the focus off of him for a moment. "But we lived near the coast. It never stayed long, but it was bitterly cold in the winter. Mama wouldn't let me play outside for months, but I'd sneak off with Papa when he went to fix the processors or survey the fields with the droids. Once it snowed a lot, and we went sledding. Papa made sleds out of something, and we climbed up the mountain behind the house and went sledding down." That was one of the last purely fun memories she has of her parents. Papa sled down a few times, and ended up falling off of his sled and rolling down the hill, snow filling his jacket. Jyn, fearless from birth, climbed all the way to the top of the mountain and slid to the bottom, laughing the entire way.

"It was probably just a hill, but it seemed high at the time." She laughs now. "It was so much fun."

"We could probably make some sleds." Cassian offers, willing to do anything to make her smile again.

"If you want." She knows that Cassian's relationship with snow isn't as pleasant as her own. She remembers happy times with her parents, but she suspects that he associates it with loss. She'd never have dragged him out here today if she'd understood the enormity of what this frozen precipitation means to him.

They sit through the flurry, and Jyn grabs his arm. "Look!" She breaths, pointing to a small, white animal a few yards away. Her joy at these small things makes Cassian wonder how deprived of simple pleasures her life has been. _Probably about like your own_ , he reminds himself. Child soldiers like the two of them never had time to sit in nature and enjoy wildlife and trees. Her delight in this simple morning is doing strange things to his insides.

"Cassian!" She breaths again, grabbing his hand in hers as more small animals join the first one.

"Marry me." He blurts out without thinking, then winces as the magnitude of his words penetrate his brain. As if she would marry him. Like he deserves her.

"What?" Jyn's head has whipped around to face him before he can take back the words.

No turning back, he figures. "Marry me." It's not the most romantic of proposals, and he hasn't planned anything. Kriff, he's never even told her he loves her. He's been meaning to do that.

"Do you mean it?" She looks skeptical, and Cassian can think of a dozen reasons why she'd say no to him today.

"I do." He might as well go all in. He's already this deep.

"Okay." She breaths, eyes glittering like the snow. "Okay."

"Really?" He can't believe his luck.

"Yes, really." She's smiling at him, almost laughing.

"Jyn." He breaths, almost a prayer, as he reaches for her, kissing her for all he's worth, hoping that she'll understand the words he hasn't said, yet. She responds eagerly, and draws him down to the blanket on top of her. It's not the most comfortable position, and not the most conventional of proposals, so he figures it doesn't matter. He's here with her now, in this beautiful place. They can build a life together, leaving behind the pain and loneliness of their pasts. But there's one more thing she needs to know.

"Jyn." He breaths, his lips trailing kisses across her jaw.

"Mmm." Is her breathy response.

"I love you."

He states it so earnestly that she has no response. Ordinarily she'd run, push him off her and flee. But it's Cassian, and she trusts him. And she just agreed to marry him. Somehow, it never occurred to her that he might love her. It's a foreign feeling to her now, after all this time. No one has said those words to her since her Papa on that fateful day back on Lah'mu. She honestly figured she'd never hear them again from anyone. And now... Cassian...this wonderful man. This man who comes back for her. Who saves her. Who needed to leave the Rebellion, and brought her with him has just said those three words aloud. Someone loves her.

"Cassian." She begins, but he cuts her off.

"You don't have to say anything." He's kissing the side of her mouth, lips cold from the air. "I just wanted you to know."

"Cassian." She tries again, but isn't sure she can form the words.

"Don't." He covers her mouth with his own, remembering the way she said his name in her sleep and reached for him. They way his voice soothed her in the throes of a nightmare. "Don't say anything." She may never be able to say the words, and he understands why. But she needs to know.

"I just want you to know. That I love you." It's easier to say the second time, he realizes, and the way she's smiling at him tells him that he made the right decision.

"Are we really doing this?" She asks, acquiescing to his request that she not respond.

"If you want to." He slides off of her, and props himself up on one elbow, tracing the lines of her face with careful fingertips. "Whenever you want to." He's in no rush. He's hers, and he's fairly certain she feels the same way about him.

"We don't do anything in order." She nudges him with a grin. First he asked her to stay and live with him. Then he proposes marriage. Only after all of that does he work up the courage to tell her he loves her.

"I guess we don't." He's worked his fingers under her hat, and is stroking her silken hair. "Conventional is overrated."

"I'm pretty good at rebelling." She grins at him.

"We've been rebels our whole lives." He agrees, dropping a kiss to the pink tip of her nose. "Why stop now?"

"You know I'm a pain in the ass, right?" Jyn asks, and he hears just enough honesty in her voice to make him angry at whoever told her that.

"You're never a pain." He's nuzzling his face into the space where her scarf has loosened. "You're stubborn, and I love that about you." It is easier, he realizes.

"Well," She takes a deep breath. "I love that...you." There's no more to that sentence, and she stutters to get it out.

Cassian, always able to understand what Jyn means when she can't find the words, just freezes, lips still pressed against the skin just below her earlobe.

"You...?"

"I said it." She seems proud of herself. "I said I love you." He can feel her pulse beating wildly in the artery in her neck, and understands what an achievement this is for her.

"Jyn, I..." He's on top of her again, worshiping her with his mouth, his lips. Pressing her into the blanket-covered rock. Damn cold and snow, there are flakes falling again. If it was warmer, he'd make love to her right here on this outcropping. "Gods, I love you." He breaths it like a mantra against what little skin she doesn't have bundled against the elements. She's meeting him eagerly, kiss for kiss, pushing up against him as his need grows more evident. He'll never deserve her, the thinks, but he'll die a happy man if he can hear those words just one more time.

"In a few days we'll have our own home." She murmurs, teeth nibbling gently on his earlobe, and drawing out a long moan from him.

"Yeah." A few days has never seemed so far away.

* * *

 _A/N: Seriously wicked writers block this week. BUT, I persevered. This got pretty long for a story that had 156 words for most of the week because I couldn't think of a single thing to say. And yeah, he made chilaquiles. Because Diego Luna said they're Cassian's specialty, and I'm totally willing to believe him.  
_

 _Many heartfelt thanks to my lovely reviewers, Christmas 95, tigersmeleth, GrumpyCat503 (Grumpy is seriously my spirit animal, btw. Love the handle), Kathea, Capsassian, Claire de Blanche, EggDupont, xbecbebex, lindcita, Maria de Sanctos, Icbacteria, TortoisetheStoryteller (are you surprised things are working out between them? I promised a fix it, and I hate sad endings), engingeerwenlock, Guest, Moniecat, and as always, my stalwart supporter Mademoiselle le Chat._


	26. Chapter 26

Hanako takes the news of an impending marriage exactly the way Cassian assumed she would. She hugs them both tightly, kisses their cheeks over and over, and takes Jyn by the hand, tugging her into the back room with an air that tells Cassian he shouldn't follow. Cassian realizes he knows nothing of the marriage customs of Monbetsu. Having left Fest at such a young age, he knows little of his own customs. Jyn is a Vallti citizen, he knows from his research, but neither parent was from there. He wonders if she'll have a preference for custom, or if she'll prefer a civil ceremony, a mere signing of papers. Whatever she wants, Cassian knows he'll do it. He never fathomed that he'd be here at all, so any sort of formality that binds him to Jyn legally is fine with him. He can't fathom her choosing to be the center of attention, though, and that's fine with him. Old habits, and all that. An intelligence officer never wants to have all eyes focused on him.

Kentaro insists on making a feast for dinner to celebrate, and breaks out a bottle of what he promises Cassian is a fine local wine. It is good, Cassian agrees silently, sipping the dark liquid and savoring the way it makes his nerve endings tingle after the second glass. Jyn spends dinner blushing furiously, and vacillating between uncomfortable and confused. Hanako notices Jyn's unease and pulls her aside quietly during the small festivity.

"Jyn, my dear," she begins, caressing Jyn's cheek lovingly. "You may not have blood relations here in your life, but you have family now. And we could not be happier for you."

Jyn just clenches her jaw to hide the emotions threatening to overwhelm her, and nods once.

"You let Cassian into your heart, child." Hanako continues. "Let us in, too."

At those kind words, Jyn relents and hugs Hanako warmly, tears threatening to overflow their bounds.

"I hope you'll still visit us when you have your own home." She pats Jyn's shoulder and smiles at her tenderly.

"I'd like that."

"Good." Hanako wanders off to refill her glass, and Cassian takes her place at Jyn's side.

"Is everything okay?" He whispers, face close to hers.

"I'm fine." She gives him a watery smile, and Cassian feels this stomach tighten at the memory of the first time he saw that smile. The metal catwalk at the top of the Citadel Tower was twisted behind her, a lump of sniveling Imperial officer in a heap by her feet. She'd transmitted the plans, and Cassian knew they'd been successful. They were supposed to die there, he remembers thinking. He was going to die on that beach, with this woman in his arms. It was all going to end. How did he get here? How did he get this chance? A chance at normal? A chance at happy? He's not going to waste it. She smells like snow and wine and smoke, all green eyes and smiles just for him.

"I'm sorry about all this." He gestures to the small celebration that he knows is making Jyn feel like all eyes are on her, even in a small group.

"It's nice." She beams up at him and wraps an arm around his waist. "It's like a family."

"You're not alone anymore." He murmurs next to her ear and then presses his lips to her hair.

"That means you're not, either." She reminds him, eyes glistening.

Rather than respond verbally, he just kisses her again, enjoying having her in his arms, her lips under his own. His head is swimming and he feels giddy, but it has nothing to do with the wine. His plan worked, what little plan there was. He resigned his commission, trekked to the far end of the galaxy, and dragged this woman out here with him. And now he's going to marry her. He's going to have a family, he and Jyn, living comfortably together in that small cabin. It's more than he's hoped for since he was six years old. He keeps his hands on her ribs, fingers spanning the curve of her, fingertips probing the spaces between the graceful bones. She's real. He blinks to reassure himself.

"So when do you think you two are going to start having children?" Kentaro is smiling widely at them, but Cassian feels Jyn stiffen in his arms.

"What?" Her voice sounds panicked, and she's suddenly practically vibrating with energy now.

"Children? Do you two think you'll have them right away?"

Cassian isn't sure what's wrong, but he knows Kentaro accidentally stumbled into a minefield. "We haven't discussed that, yet, actually." He answers for Jyn, hoping to change the subject quickly and move on before she becomes any more uncomfortable.

"Well, you're still young." Hanako adds from the kitchen. "You have time."

Cassian spares a glance at Jyn in front of him, still held by him, her face drawn and mouth a thin line and face pale. "Excuse us, please." He peeks at Ken-taro who is slowly understanding that he's said something amiss.

Once the door to the guest room is closed, he sits Jyn on the mattress and slides down beside her, her hand in his.

"We don't have to have children right away, Jyn. Or ever. I didn't say anything to Kentarosan about that."

"I..." Her neck is bent, eyes on her lap. He can't see her face because her hair, left loose again today, has fallen like a curtain along her cheeks.

"What is it?" He's kneeling in front of her now, grasping both of her hands in his. "You can tell me anything."

"But. I...what if...?" She can't make her mouth form the words. She hadn't even thought of this before now. This life, this wonderful life she'd imagined for only a few days, she can't believe it's over before it even started. A few moments of happiness is more than she deserves, she figures. More than someone like her should ever have.

"What if what, Jyn?" His voice is infinitely soft and gentle, and that sympathy, that kindness causes the tears to finally overflow. Rather than press her for an answer while she's this distraught, he eases back beside her on the bed and gathers her into his arms, onto his lap. He settles her against him, and feels her shaking, knows she's desperately trying to keep it together. Be brave. Not show weakness. He hates Saw Gerrera sometimes. Hates him for telling Jyn that any emotion is a deficiency, that she's anything less than flawless. The soothing words he'd used to settle her during her nightmares fall easily from his lips now, mixing with Basic as he promises her that everything is fine, that he's here. That he's not leaving her regardless of the truth of this unvoiced secret.

"Tell me. Please." He pleads, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "What can I do?"

"Nothing" She hiccups. "You can't do anything. No one can."

"Tell me."

She just shakes her head as the tears threaten to fall again.

"Jyn." Cassian whispers, begging her to tell him what's bothering her so. What caused this sadness? How can he fix it? "Please."

"What if..." She stutters and takes a few quick breaths. "What if I can't have children? What if I can't give you..."

"Stop." Cassian slides a warm hand across her cheek to tangle in her hair. "You don't have to give me anything."

"Cassian, I can't..." She's not sure she can finish that sentence, so she changes course. "The Empire doesn't take kindly to criminals reproducing." Another shaky breath. "And they don't want pregnancies in their prisons. They aren't the...safest places."

There's so much information there that Cassian isn't sure what to focus on first.

"Surgery?" He finally manages, thankful for his training in intelligence to help him keep his face neutral and hide how livid he is. _One thing at a time._

"You don't really get an option." She shrugs and sniffles. "I mean, I'm not sure. They don't tell you what they're doing, but..." But it makes sense. The scars. The lack of pregnancy after her time on Wobani.

"Jyn." He'll start with this first. This is the safest. This is what worries her. The parts he's ignoring are what's going to worry him. What will keep him up at night. "I don't need you to give me children. You don't need to give me anything. You're enough for me. Just you."

"But..."

"I'm not interested in what your body can do for me." Cassian tries to meet her gaze, dipping his head in effort to catch her green eyes. "If we don't have children, then we just don't have children. You're enough, Jyn. Just you. Not some idea of what you can do for me. Just you." He kisses her cheek, her temple, the side of her mouth.

"You don't want kids?" She whispers, finally daring to look at him again.

"If we decide we want children some day, and we can't have our own, then we'll adopt." He smiles at her thinly, anger at the Empire threatening to bubble over. How can they take this from her, too? Both of her parents, her childhood. Her innocence. Now this?

"Adopt?"

"Jyn, we're both orphans." He brushes her hair back from her face again, and thinks she's been orphaned three times that he knows of. Once when she was eight, once at sixteen, and once again a few months ago back on a rain-beaten platform on Eadu. "We know better than anyone the difference a family could make."

"You're not mad?" She finally ventures, disbelief mixes with relief.

"At you?" He has to clarify, because he's furious. Fuming. He both wants the details and is afraid to ask. If he asks, and she tells him, he's not sure he'll be able to stop himself. To control the rage. What she isn't telling him - what he doesn't ask - he knows. He always knows. It's what they do. She's been able to read him since the beginning. He can read her just as easily, find the spaces between the truths she tells him, and see the facts she's sparing him from.

"I should have told you sooner." She's refusing to look at him again, and he wonders if she sees how vexed he is. He hopes he can hide it, hopes she doesn't think it's directed at her.

"I...it never seemed to matter before. I mean, I'm not cut out to be anyone's mother, anyway. I just figured it was easier. Saving me the trouble. I never really thought about it. But now...you...you...and Kentarosan...and" She's babbling.

"If it's important to you, we can have the clinic in town check you out. See what was done." He's going to punch something later. He'd heard rumors of the depravities of Wobani, but this is a new low, even for the Empire. "You said you're not sure. But if you don't want to be a mother, then we don't need to worry about it."

He'd never considered having children of his own before tonight, either, to be honest. Twenty years of war and nine years in intelligence, he figured he'd be dead long before now. The concept of a wife and child at home never crossed his mind. The wife part has been easier to imagine recently, but he wasn't lying to Jyn when he told her that she's all he needs to be happy.

"You're not mad?" She honestly thought she'd lost him when Kentaro brought up pregnancy and children. How is it possible that Cassian is the kind of man who wants her anyway?

"At you? Not a chance." He drops a quick kiss to the bridge of her nose. "At the Empire, more than ever."

"But..."

"Jyn, I love you, not your reproductive organs."

She's shaking her head, and awestruck expression on her face.

"What?" He rests his forehead against hers.

"How..." She begins, then tries again. "Where did you come from?"

"Same place as you, Jyn." It's a breathy whisper, and he flattens his nose against her damp cheek.

"You still want to get married?" She has to check. She has to know.

"Of course."

"To me?"

"To you. Only to you."

"I'm sorry." She's wiping her face with the sleeve of her shirt.

"For what?"

"I ruined the night."

"You ruined nothing." He kisses her quickly and presses his face into her hair once more, inhaling deeply. "You wear your hair down now." He finally works up the courage to ask, but figures now is as good a time as any to change the subject.

"I lost my hair tie." She shrugs.

"That's it?" He's smiling against the side of her head. "We can get you more if you want some."

Jyn shrugs. "I figured I'd spend my money on things we need." The fact that her hair has been in her face nonstop for weeks is a small price to pay for the ability to purchase dishes for a new house. She bought blankets to keep them warm at night. Hanako helped her find a rug for the bedroom, fluffy and soft like the one she remembers outside Honza's refresher back on Giless. It's not fancy, but it's more than she ever dreamed of owning.

"I bet Hanakosan has one you can borrow if you want to." Cassian suggests, touched that she prioritized their new home over her own personal comfort and preferences.

"I hadn't thought of that." She admits sheepishly. The kind older woman does have long hair. She pulls it back from time to time.

"Do you want me to ask her?"

"No, I can do it." She's resting her forehead against his cheek, letting out a deep sigh.

Cassian will never admit it aloud, but the fact that she's willing to ask his friend for something, even a thing as small as a tie for her hair, is a huge step for Jyn. He's immensely proud of her. This never would have happened a few months ago.

"Do you want to go back out?" Cassian is rubbing her back soothingly, and Jyn's head is resting against his shoulder. He's not sure he wants to go back out. He's pretty comfortable here, with Jyn in his lap. Feeling her pulse under his palm. "Have some dessert? I think Kentarosan made his specialty."

"What's that?"

"I think you'll like it." He helps her stand and joins her on his feet.

Later that night, Cassian lays in bed beside Jyn. She's sleeping peacefully for once, face pressed against his shoulder. He's noticed that she needs to touch him at night. She'll reach for him, even if it's just her hand in his, her hand on his arm. She grounds herself to him, to her new reality and safety with the sensation of him under her fingertips. Cassian is seething, though, and unlikely to rest any time soon. He's imagined a hundred different ways to make Krennic's death slow and painful in the weeks previous, after knowing how he ruined Jyn's family and life. Now he's not certain against whom he should direct his wrath. There were rumors that there were experiments conducted on Imperial prisoners, but he had no idea they were sterilized against their will. The practice is barbaric, abhorrent. He hasn't wanted to be back in the Rebellion once since he left, but he's having second thoughts. If he still had contacts in Intelligence, he could locate the person responsible for this. The director or administrator. Someone. Anyone. Jyn may have doubts regarding her parenting abilities, but Cassian does not. They may not have had peaceful or stable childhoods, but he knows undoubtedly that Jyn would do everything in her power to protect a child.

It's not the loss of the ability to pass on his own genetics that bothers him. It's the fact that Jyn doesn't even have a choice. She's never had a choice - in anything about her life. Her mother left her to go save her father. Galen left her to Saw when he was pressed into service by the Empire. Saw Gerrera wouldn't have given her a choice about anything. She may have conflicted emotions regarding the man, but Cassian has read enough intel reports and spoken with enough contacts to know that Saw had no use for anyone that wasn't a tool in his fight against the Empire.

She wasn't really given a choice about confronting Saw again. Draven was pretty clear; get them an audience with Saw or enjoy rotting in Wobani. He'd assumed at the time that she left the Partisans on her own. He had no idea the can of emotional worms he was forcing her to open. She'd done it, though, after conducting herself admirably in several firefights, close-quarters combat, saving his own life and that of a small child, and bravely facing down Saw's men when the lot of them were in danger.

 _"He's with us!"_

She'd stepped in front of Kaytoo. She'd saved his droid, who had been nothing but rude to her, when Baze threatened him with his weapon.

How much loss can one person's heart take before it breaks completely, he wonders? He can just make out her profile in the darkness, face pressed against him. He can hear her breathing, steady and even. No nightmares tonight. Not yet. After their talk, they'd gone back out to enjoy a delicious dessert. Cassian managed to whisper a quick "no more questions about children" to Hanako, who quietly passed on the dictate to Kentaro. They'd enjoyed a pleasant evening, but he can't deny that the celebration was muted after his talk with Jyn. He just wants a day, a single day for her that the Empire can't ruin. What other parts of her life can they destroy, he thinks grimly?

It doesn't matter, he finally decides. He's with her now. He'll spend the rest of his life trying to make her happy, to make up for the losses of the past - his past and hers. She's already doing that for him. He can feel the weight lifting off of him every time she smiles at him or reaches for his hand. Rolling carefully onto his side, he kisses the top of her head tenderly and brushes her hair from her face and neck. A warm hand wraps around her back and he takes a deep breath to calm himself. She's here now. Safe with him. He's not alone any longer. She kissed him like her life depended on it before she fell asleep, as if imbuing all of the thanks and gratitude she felt for him not rejecting her after his earlier revelation. He hadn't felt that wanted in his lifetime. Tomorrow an entirely new chapter of their lives starts, he knows. They get to start again.

* * *

 _A/N: It's far shorter than the recent chapters have been, but it was hard to write, so I'm posting here. So many decisions to make for how much to include in the upcoming chapters. Yeah. Chapters. I keep thinking I'm done, but then I keep NOT BEING done. So. Who knows? Not I. I'll try to make the next chapter longer, but I needed to accomplish SOMETHING this week, so this is going up now.  
_

 _As always, a shout-out to the wonderful reviewers whose kind words help me work up the energy to get out of bed in the mornings: engineerwenlock, Moniecat, Christmas 95, Claire de Blanche, Guest, Capsassian, Loli-pop0394, GrumpyCat503 (totally agree, btw), Vilian, rezmutt, lindcita, Mademoiselle le Chat, and Maria de Sanctos - a million thanks. You have no idea how much your sweet, encouraging words mean to me. Posting something you write is seriously TERRIFYING - at least it is for me.  
_


	27. Chapter 27

Jyn wakes the next morning with a smile on her face, which is a singularly unusual occurrence. She has far more to smile about these days, though, and the warmth and security that comes with waking to find herself wrapped safely in Cassian's warm embrace definitely fit the bill. It is still astonishing to her that her life has taken this unexpected turn. Mere months ago she was sharing a cold cell with Kennel on Wobani, wondering if this is the night her roommate would keep her promise and kill her. Cassian found her in that prison, and although his reasons for searching for her had nothing to do with her safety, she can't deny that he's done nothing but try to care for her since. Even on Jedha, where she knew he didn't want to take her, he looked out for her. He covered her with his precision aim when she put herself in harm's way. He fought Stormtroopers beside her, even stood back and let her take them down her desired way. He stormed the catacombs to pull her to safety when he could have left her behind as Jedha crumbled into dust and ash before their very eyes.

Cassian has been here for her every step of the way. This is the day their new life starts, she remembers, smile widening even more. The cabin is finally ready, and they can move in after breakfast. She hasn't had a home in almost fourteen years, not a real one. She lived with Saw, but that was more an ever-changing series of bunkers and bases than a home. Yavin 4 and Hoth came the closest. Not her quarters, of course, but Cassian's. She refused to allow herself to think of his room as her home when she was in it, but she was comfortable there. Safe. As close to happy as she'd been in years. This is better, though, she reminds herself. Even in this small guest room in the Hatakeyama's house, she can relax and enjoy the company. Not look over her shoulder every few minutes. Rest. Even Cassian is relaxed here, or as close to it as she's ever seen him. He smiles more, and the light reaches his eyes. He looks younger than when she met him, even when he's awake, which she can tell that he is now.

"You can move." She whispers. "I'm awake."

"I know." He flattens his hand on her abdomen, drawing her closer. "I was just enjoying the quiet."

"I'll stop talking."

"No." A kiss, she can feel it pressed against the back of her head. "I don't mean you. Just the morning. No busting base. No power generators. No comms for early morning meetings."

"Do you miss it?" She turns in his arms to face him, tilting her chin up to meet his dark brown eyes. The sun is just peeking up over the forest, and she can see his eyes sparkling at her as he smiles fondly.

"Sometimes." He admits. "But not in the way you'd think."

"What ways?" She queries.

"It was orderly." He confesses. "I knew what to expect. But it's the times you didn't know what to expect that were what really get to you." That and the job. He doesn't miss the job.

"I'd go back with you if you want to return." Her fingers are tracing the lines of his chest, up his neck. Over the three days of growth on his cheeks and jaw.

"I don't want that." He corrects her, reassuring. "I can't do that work again. And we can support the Rebellion effort here. There's plenty of reconnaissance to collect on these buildings, report back. We're not stranded. I didn't just quit."

"You're..." Jyn's head is swimming with this new information. "I want to help."

"You are helping." Callused fingertips trace the outline of her cheekbone, her jawline. "You build state of the art security systems. We recon the buildings, and all those around them, and we install your systems."

"I can do more." She's jumping to be more productive. To help. The Rebellion saved her, even if it wasn't their intent. They gave her Cassian, brought them together. They're fighting the Empire. She can help. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Because he wanted to keep her safe. Because he knew she'd want to help, to throw herself into the thick of it. "Can you build a more sensitive listening device into those systems? Give them longer range?"

She thinks about it for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip, and Cassian can't help himself. He reaches his neck down to press his lips to hers. "That would be helpful." He murmurs it against her skin, lips brushing against the softness of her neck, her cheek, her lips.

"This is helpful." She murmurs against him, smiling. This whole life still feels unreal to her. Saw told her she was a soldier almost as soon as she came to live with him. Drilled it into her head. She didn't need a house or a mother. She was no longer a little girl. She was a soldier now, and she had to act like one. Saw told her no one would care if she was upset or cold or hungry, because it's a war, and everyone has the same problems. Cassian is always asking her if she's hungry. Is she warm enough? Is she okay? Can he help? It's not just since they got out to the edge of the galaxy, either. He was like this back on Yavin 4. Hoth. He always took care with her; still does. As much as it makes her uncomfortable, chafes against her guerilla upbringing, she's learning to let him. To let go. Relinquish some of her hard-won control to the man who's gone out of his way to prove to her that he can be trusted.

 _"You were wrong, Saw."_ Jyn thinks with a hint of a smile on her lips. _"Happiness is real."_ It's not just an illusion or a fairy tale. Not just for the rich or the lucky. She can have it, too, and Cassian. They're unlikely candidates for this slippery concept of happiness, but she's content to grasp at it anyway. For years she's imagined that it wouldn't be worth it, this risk she's taking. Caring for someone else, caring about someone else. Allowing another person to penetrate her carefully constructed walls and defenses. She hadn't meant to let Cassian in, honestly. She fought it for a while, then just numbed to the idea. But he kept coming for her. Kept reaching to her - for her. He's continued existing in her presence, always a careful, respectful distance away, but just in reach should she require him. At some point, Jyn realized that she was looking for him. Looking for excuses to be near, to be closer. His company was welcome, not just tolerated. Then, without consciously meaning to, she registered that his companionship was comforting. Soothing. She hadn't meant to allow that, either. Saw taught her that comfort dulled your senses, made you weak. Cassian seemed overly concerned with her comfort, though, and never insinuated weakness on her behalf.

Jyn rearranges herself in his arms and buries her face in his chest, inhaling deeply. This idea of going to sleep and waking up in someone's arms is still a bit foreign to her, but Jyn is sure she can adjust. Cassian makes a contented humming sound and holds her tighter, fingers tangling in her hair.

"Are you ready?" His voice is as soft as the early morning light, and she knows what he really means.

"Yes." She replies without hesitation. She's ready for this new adventure with him.

* * *

It takes only a few hours to get everything moved from Kentaro and Hanako's house to their own. They each have very little in the way of personal effects, able to carry everything they own in a few bags on their shoulders. Kentaro and Cassian take the dining set and bed before, while Jyn and Hanako pack up the rest of the items that have been purchased for the house. Jyn is upset by the decision to leave her behind for the heavy lifting, always eager to prove herself capable.

"This has nothing to do with your size or abilities." Cassian murmured against her ear, lips brushing against her when he saw her pursed lips. "There's not much space in the speeder."

Jyn concedes that this is logical, but she protests nonetheless. "I'm not helpless." She retorts, chin upturned and eyes blazing.

"I know." He responds quietly, smiling at her predictable response. "But we need the space in the speeder for the furniture. We'll wait until you're there to put it together. You can help with that if you want."

"Fine." She concedes with a peck on his cheek.

While the men move the boxes of furniture, Hanako and Jyn box up the smaller items to make them easier to transport. Moving everything they've purchased and all four people to the cabin takes only four trips. Jyn hasn't seen the cabin since they day they found it for rent, and she holds her breath when she enters, hoping the magic hasn't faded. She surveys the small main room that does triple duty as a kitchen, dining room, and living room. Cassian is busy putting the chairs together for the dining table. She and Hanako put the dishes in the shelves and turn their attention to making up the bed.

Because Jyn and Cassian own very little, the entire unpacking ordeal takes less than two hours, including the time needed to put furniture together. Cassian stands back in the bedroom and wraps an arm around Jyn as he surveys the room.

"Looks good in here." He likes the fluffy grey rug that matches the grey blanket Jyn has spread over the bed.

"I wasn't sure if you packed the blanket from Echo Base." Jyn indicates the new coverlet on the bed.

"I didn't have room to pack it." He murmurs into her hair as he presses a kiss to it. "I gave it to Ober."

"Are you hungry?" Jyn tips her chin up and smiles at him.

"I could eat."

"I can..." She pauses and her eyes go wide. "Kriff."

"What?"

"We can't make lunch." Cassian's forehead wrinkles at her revelation. "We don't have a pan. Not a single one. I only bought dishes!" It also occurs to her that they have no food. No ingredients. Only whatever leftover rations they have from their trip to the Outer Rim.

He just chuckles and sends her that grin that makes her knees weak. "We can go into town and get some." He brushes her hair from her eyes and pauses for a moment to just look at her.

"We don't have food anyway." He grins at her, wide and happy, and Jyn's heart seizes at the sight of his dimples. He looks ten years younger here, smiling like that.

"We should probably do something about that." She retorts cheekily.

* * *

The four head into town, and separate into pairs. Cassian and Kentaro head to the stand that sells cookware, and Jyn and Hanako find the green grocer. Jyn has never bought her own groceries before, and Hanako enjoys gently guiding her to good purchase decisions. They stock up on staples, and meet the men back at the speeder. Jyn insists on making lunch when they get back to the cabin, and Hanako joins her to help. While they ladies cook, Kentaro convinces Cassian to head back to his house for a moment to pick up something. The entire cabin smells of food when the men return, and Cassian stops short when he sees the table. Jyn has prepared a stew with local vegetables, cooked grains, and small salads for everyone.

"This looks wonderful." He says softly to Jyn as she looks up at him nervously. She's inordinately anxious about this meal, the first meal she's prepared in her very own home.

"Hanako helped." Jyn always gives credit where it is due.

"I just made a few suggestions." Hanako insists while handing the young couple a package. "And this is for you two."

Cassian takes the package and begins unwrapping carefully. He extracts a handmade ceramic teapot that coordinates with the dishes Jyn picked out.

"It's lovely!" Jyn breaths, remembering the nights back on Yavin 4 and Hoth when Cassian would make them both tea. Those were the nights on which their relationship was built.

"Thank you." Cassian bends to give Hanako a hug. "We'll get years of use from this."

"Starting now." Jyn hands him a tin of tea that she purchased at the market.

Kentaro and Cassian rave about meal Jyn prepared. It's a traditional Monbetsan dish that is typically served in the winter.

"Hanako's is better." Jyn brushes off their praise, but beams nonetheless when Cassian compliments her cooking. She has a long way to go before she'll be confident in her cooking abilities, but this meal did turn out edible.

After finishing their lunches, Kentaro insists they all step outside for a moment. Cassian's eyes twinkle as he hands Jyn her coat, and she can tell he knows what the surprise is.

There are two speeders hovering out front of the cabin when Jyn steps outside.

"What?" She turns to look at Cassian, eyes questioning.

"It's a loan." Cassian answers before she can ask. "It still needs some fixing, but it works well enough."

"I'll sell it to you if you'd like." Kentaro offers, understanding that Jyn will prefer to purchase something outright rather than accept this amount of charity. Still, he has to help the young couple somehow. "Eight hundred credits." It's half of what he paid for it three years ago, but it's older now. He doesn't need the money, but Cassian is like a son to him. The son he never had.

"I can help you fix it." Hanako offers, and Cassian wraps his other arm around her shoulders.

"I'd like that." Cassian smiles, remembering how she patiently taught him to fix and repair speeders, droids, and his own U-wing when he first joined the Rebellion formally. She'd taken him under her wing almost immediately after meeting him. Her motherly ways a welcome change from the chaos that he was used to, even when she was disciplining him, chastising him for being rash or reckless.

Once, when he was just eighteen, and had only been with the Rebellion for less than a year, he'd come back bleeding. Shot in three places, shoulder, abdomen, and thigh because he was impatient and headed into a riot rather than doing the smart thing and waiting or weaving around it. He'd wanted to hurry. He'd been too eager to prove himself worthy of the uniform. Hanako met him in medbay, and after checking to see if he'd heal, and hugging him warmly, she'd let him have it. She'd dressed him down, reminded him of his training. Behind her harsh words, though, Cassian could hear the concern. He could feel the worry. It was nice, he remembers thinking, to have someone worry about him again. She's never stopped worrying, never stopped mothering him. He rather enjoys watching her take Jyn under her care now, too.

Hanako and Kentaro leave them alone a short while later, and Cassian insists on washing up the dishes from lunch. There's a knock on the door, and he sees Jyn visibly stiffen, green eyes going wide with alarm. He motions to the securicam to allay her fears.

"It's Kentaro." He pushes her bangs behind her ear, fingers pausing against her skin.

"Okay." She heads to the door and opens it, a surprised gasp falling from her lips.

"I thought you two might like this." He motions to the item he and an unknown man are carrying. "For your new home."

It's a sofa, old, but in good condition.

"C...come in." She stammers, shocked at the gesture.

The men carefully fit through the door, and Kentaro glances around the mostly empty room. "Where would you like it?"

Jyn's eyes meet Cassian's, and she shrugs.

"Over there is good." Cassian points to the space in front of the window. It'll be a nice view for them. "Thank you."

"It's old." Kentaro shrugs, but Cassian knows him well enough to see through it. "Just a leftover thing from my office. You can use it as long as you like. Keep it or replace it when you can. Either way is fine."

"Thank you." Jyn can't help it. She impulsively hugs him, thanking him for the gift. Kentaro returns the hug warmly, patting her shoulder and smoothing her hair back paternally.

Cassian thanks the men personally, and offers them a cup of tea, which they decline. After they leave, he turns to see Jyn standing in the center of the room, staring at the new piece of furniture. He can't help but remember the sight of her on the sofa in his quarters on Hoth. He'd loved the sight of her there, wrapped in his blanket, and sometimes in his own coat. Comfortable and safe. Warm. In all of his years, he never dreamed he'd be here. This small cabin, filled sparsely with their meager belongings. With Jyn. It's more than a little unreal to him after twenty years of war and fighting. A comfortable life never seemed like a possibility for him. Peace. Warmth. Belonging. He always thought his place was in the Rebellion. Then Jyn came along, and he dared to dream of something else. Something other than the next mission. The next target. He has so many regrets in his life, but he can tell this decision won't be one of them. Jyn is worth it. This small life they're starting is worth it.

* * *

A few nights later, they're curled up on the sofa together. Jyn dragged a blanket off the bed, and covered them both with it. Her back is pressed against his side, and he has an arm wrapped around her. He's reading specs on a new type of security system on his datapad, and Jyn is buried in a book. He kept his promise, and located a book on local wildlife. She's devouring it, making notes in the margins, and pointing out things that she finds interesting. The horned animal they saw on their hike turns out to be a _Cervus monbetsa_ , and she excitedly shows him the page and reads the paragraphs aloud to him. She's halfway through the book now, and Cassian makes a note to find her more. She's gone still beside him, and he tightens his arm around her before he speaks.

"Is everything okay?" He asks her quietly.

"Fine." She turns her head against his arm, burrowing deeper into his embrace. "I was just thinking."

"About anything in particular?"

She hesitates before answering, and for a moment, Cassian thinks she may not reply at all.

"You saved my life, you know." Her voice is so quiet that he has to strain to make out her words at all.

Cassian tries to think of exactly what she may be referring to. Jedha? Eadu? Technically he's saved her life a few times. They've never really spoken of Scarif, and he wonders if she's going to bring it up tonight. He's not sure he's ready for that conversation. The battle still haunts him in his dreams.

"Infinitely worth saving." He responds, not knowing exactly how to answer.

"I mean...you actually did save my life."

"Jyn..."

"I mean it." She turns a little in his arms and tilts her chin up to meet his eyes. "I was going to die in that prison." She states it like it's just a fact. Merely another truth. "No one gets out of Wobani alive."

She's never really talked about Wobani before. He asked her once if she was hungry there, but all she said was "very." All he knows are the rumors he heard, and the fact that she had some sort of surgery while she was there.

"I think you'd have a better chance than most." Is the only reply he can think of.

"My cellmate was going to kill me." She muses quietly. "She told me. Several times."

He just kisses the top of her head at this, anger tightening his his abdomen like a vice. "You're never going back there." He promises, voice firm with a tinge of anger.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She retorts, but there's a smile on her face.

"Fine." He pulls her into his lap, facing him. "You're not going back there while I have breath to breathe." He'll die before he lets someone else take her from him.

She just kisses him at that declaration, and then rests her head on his shoulder, body flush against his.

* * *

She dreams of Wobani that night. Even with Cassian's arms around her, sometimes the past creeps into her psyche. She dreams of interrogations where no one actually wants information. Hunger. Fearing sleep, because Kennel kept threatening to kill her. She dreams of gangs of men, angry and hungry for more than sustenance. Working until her body aches and her hands bleed. She dreams of despair, knowing she'll die there. Cells too dark and small, stifling in their solitude.

 _Then she's back in Saw's bunker at sixteen. Alone and crying as the crushing weight of his abandonment tears her open inside. Her bunker on Lah'mu, feeling the loss of her parents like a knife in her abdomen. That knife was all too real once, though, and she feels the sharp burn of the blade slice through her skin. She hears blasters above her. All around her. Saw's voice in her ear reminding her of her orders._

 _"Pull the trigger when you see them in the sights. Breath in deeply, then slow exhale as you pull the trigger. Do it, my child. Do it right the first time." The air is dark and musty, thick with dust and the smell of blaster oil and charred flesh.  
_

 _She's nine years old. The man falls in front of her eyes. Then it's Cassian falling. Hitting durasteel beams before landing on the grating with a dull thud. Her mother falling in the fields in the misting rain. Her father dying in her arms as bombs and rain fall all around them. Then Chirrut crumples into the sand. Maia. Baze. She sees Cassian falling again, then she's falling with him this time. It's her body hitting the beams one after another, bones cracking with the force of the impact._

 _"Good luck, little sister."_

She wakes with a start, sweating and breathing heavily.

"Jyn." Cassian mumbles as he presses his lips against her sweaty temple. "It's a dream."

"Yeah." She's breathless, chest heaving at the memories. "Just a dream."

"You're safe." He's rubbing calming circles on her shoulder. "I'm right here." It helps him feel normal, knowing she wakes sweaty and terrified from nightmares, too. He worries less that she'll judge him should he wake her with his own terrors. They're the same, he thinks. Same fears. Same traumas. Maybe not identical, but similar enough. It helps, he knows, that she understands. She told him that she dreams about Chirrut and Baze. She haltingly told him that she saw them die, that they speak to her. A less secure man would be bothered, but Cassian knows her. He knows they were important to her. Knows that he'd do anything to bring them back for her, these men who believed in her. Who trusted her. Who helped her destroy her father's legacy.

"Do you dream of them?" She asks once her pulse has returned to normal, and he knows who she means tonight.

"I do." He offers as she plays with the fingers of his left hand. "Not every night, but from time to time." He has a lifetime of battles to dream about, and Scarif is only one of many.

"Do they talk to you?"

"No." Not to him specifically. He hears his parents sometimes. Win and Stalix. Nitali. He sees Draven ordering him to kill Galen. He dreams of Jyn's eyes, broken and sad as she accuses him. He dreams of Tivik. Braml. Yanim. So many others whose lives he snuffed out because their capture would be inconvenient at best and disastrous at worst. He dreams of Jyn falling before his eyes, of Krennic shooting her because he was too slow. He dreams of Kaytoo. Savara and Olin and Nara. He has his own demons.

Jyn accepts his answer, and turns in his arms to face him, pressing her face against his shoulder. She inhales deeply and smiles at the spicy scent of his soap. He shyly pressed a bag of bath products into her hands a few days ago.

 _"What's this?" Her eyes opened wide with surprise._

 _"Just a few things for you." He'd shrugged. He realized she was using his soap, his hair wash. While he didn't mind, he thought she'd appreciate her own things. He may not have much experience with women, but he remembers Nitali liked her own products._

 _She'd never had things so nice before, and Cassian blushed when she thanked him. They weren't fancy or expensive, just simple hair wash and rinse. A small jar of moisturizer for her face. She had such lovely skin. Hanako helped him pick some things out for her, smiling sagely as he handed over the credits._

 _"When are you going to marry that young lady?" She'd chided him._

 _"When the time is right." He'd shrugged noncommittally. They'd marry eventually. There was no rush. He had more to be grateful for now than he'd had in a lifetime._

"Did they tell you anything tonight?" He asks, lips brushing against her forehead with every syllable.

"Not tonight." She knows he means the Guardians. Two nights ago Chirrut told her to trust the Force, and Baze reminded her to look to the Force to find them. Last week Baze reminded her that she is no longer alone, and she woke wondering if he meant they'd continue visiting her dreams or that Cassian is with her. Either way, she sleeps secure now, wrapped in his strong arms. Safe and loved. Not alone any longer.

She hums as she burrows into his chest, hands gripping his shirt tightly around his back, and sends up a prayer of thanks to the Force. She still wears the crystal around her neck, but she needs it less now. Doesn't need the reminder of the Force. She has Cassian as a constant reminder that she's no longer alone. A thought suddenly occurs to her.

"What do you need?" She asks him.

"Hmm?" He's not sure he understands the question.

"You...you've given me everything." She stutters. "What do you need?" She's embarrassed she's never thought to ask before.

"Just you." He closes his eyes as he considers the question, and presses his face into her hair. "Just stay with me." He's not sure his heart could survive it if she left him.

"I can do that."

* * *

 _Author's Note: Apologies for the time since the last update. I had awful writer's block, and then my computer lost everything I'd written. That caused me to lose motivation. Then a short trip with no laptop._

 _A million thanks to all who read and reviewed. Your reviews are gifts, every one of them. So, thank you to Icbacteria, lindcita (thank you for all your reviews), Mademoiselle le Chat, Claire de Blanche, Guest, rezmutt, Vilian, Guest, Summers Rage, Capsassian, Moniecat, TortoisetheStoryteller, Shakugan no Shana, engineerwenlock, Guest, Loli-pop0394, anonymous, tinmiss1939, Sinematic, KTarra, Guest, Naia, Guest, GoodKarma92, Guest, mali86._

 _And extra thanks to the birthday reviews, which were the best presents I received this year: R1Fan, Sanityisnotmything, ZOmegaLupus, lindcita, and Guest._

 _Also, I'm sorry if this one is terrible. I wanted to post something to get past the writer's block, but I'm pretty medicated right now due to awful migraine. Now for more tea and a nap._


	28. Chapter 28

Jyn thinks about Cassian's words from the night before while she solders components together the next morning.

 _"Just stay with me."_

In all her life she's never met another person who wanted her to stay. She's never met someone who wants to stick around with her.

 _"Just you."_

She still is unaccustomed to being what anyone is looking for, but the memory of the need in his voice still makes her chest squeeze. It's the same feeling she gets when he smiles at her and his dimples show or when his gentle hands caress her shoulders when he presses a warm kiss to her temple.

It's been a long time since Jyn had to think about another person, and she's never cared about another human like this. Cassian told her he'd been in a serious relationship once, years ago. She's never had anything like this. She slept with the odd man here an there if she needed something, but there were never _feelings_ involved. She worries that she's doing it wrong, although she's unsure what "it" might be. How can she really be enough for him? She wasn't even enough for her mother to stay behind and care for. She wasn't enough for Saw, and he freely admits that she was the best soldier in his cadre. How is it that this kind, gentle man looks at her and finds her to be...enough, she wonders.

He asked her to marry him a few days ago, but there's been no more talk of it since that night. Maybe he had some time to think about what she told him - how she can't bear him children - and perhaps he changed his mind. He hasn't distanced himself from her, she reasons, though. If anything, they're closer than ever. They spend their nights trading affectionate touches while they make a small supper, then keep near each other while they clean up. They curl up together on the worn sofa that Kentarosan brought them, then retire to their chilly bedroom, snuggled together for warmth. He holds her while she sleeps, wakes her from her nightmares when they're bad, and gentle prods her to wakefulness in the morning with careful fingertips across the planes of her face, running through her messy hair. He hasn't, however, tried to gain any knowledge of her in a carnal fashion, which confuses and frustrates her. Previously, if she wanted to sleep with a man, she just did. She'd announce her intentions over a strong drink, and they'd have a quick and unsatisfying romp somewhere. Cassian seems content to sleep wrapped around her night after night, hands only straying to her waist or her back or arms. There's been few signs of the desire she witnessed that day on the edge of the valley, the day he asked her to marry him. Is it her? Is it her fault?

She ponders these questions while she adds components, testing here and there to make sure the connections are sound and the solder sturdy. She has that old smuggler to thank for this ability. Abdul, she thinks his name was - and his first mate, a patient Valltii named Drrom who watched over her like she was his own daughter. She's always wondered if Drrom wasn't so kind to her because she was born on Vallt. He taught her how to fix the ship, repair the navicomputer, rebuild components and parts just in case she couldn't find what she needed or afford to purchase it. He'd offered to give her his private bunk room when she first signed on with the crew. He said it was because a young woman should have her privacy, but Jyn turned him down. She was too wary of his kindness; it was too soon after Saw's betrayal. She wonders where they are, Abdul and Drrom. Are they still flying together? Are they still alive? Did the Empire catch them? What would they say if they could see her now? Abdul told her she was too smart to waste her life smuggling. Drrom encouraged her to log onto the holonet and learn everything that interested her whenever she had the time.

Slowly, Jyn starts to count the number of people who've never let her down. Has. Abdul. Drrom. Cassian. She supposes she'll have to add Mabion and the Hatakeyamas to the list eventually. Perhaps Honza, too.

"Jyn, do you have those new processors ready?" A voice cuts through her reverie.

She raises her head to see the speaker, a coworker named Kiwa. The two women get along well, and Jyn enjoys her company.

"Five minutes." She smiles at the woman, and wonders for a moment if they are friends. Jyn still isn't used to the idea of having friends.

"Okay." The perky young woman smiles at Jyn, bent over the table in concentration. "Take your time. I'm going to grab a snack, do you want anything?"

The easy availability of food still shocks Jyn, who had to fend for herself and fight over scraps since she was eight. "I had a big breakfast. I don't need anything." Breakfast had been delicious. Cassian cooked, and while her tongue still feels clumsy as it trips over the melodic syllables of the name of the dish, she can't deny it's deliciousness. Cassian seems to be picking up the local language far more quickly than she is. She's fluent in Basic, droidspeak, conversational in Huttese. She could conduct business in Jawaese, although fluency escaped her, and she still tended to make embarassing mistakes. She could understand Shyriiwook, although she couldn't communicate in it. None of those languages had words sufficient to describe how she felt at home with Cassian. Home. She has a home. She has a person who cares about her. Who cooks dishes with complicated names for her, and cares if she is hungry and satisfied. Two nights ago he brought home a small heater because he worried she was cold in the house. They move it from room to room to take the bite of cold out of the air. Kentarosan promised spring was around the corner, but Jyn judges that corner to be very far away.

Almost half of a standard hour later, Kiwa arrives back in the lab eating something crunchy. She pulls up a stool across the work table from Jyn and takes a seat wordlessly.

After two minutes of silence, Jyn finally breaks. "What?" She exclaims in exasperation, because she can feel Kiwa's eyes boring into the top of her head as she bends over the board she's assembling.

"Oh, nothing." Kiwa says in a singsong voice.

"Just say it." Jyn's words hold no bite, and she struggles to keep a stern face.

"I just ran into that handsome husband of yours in the caf." Kiwa shrugs.

"We're not married." Jyn says pointedly, deepening the frown involuntarily.

"Oh, you're as good as married." Kiwa shrugs.

"Was this just a location update, or do you have a point?"

"I have a point." Kiwa sat up straighter in the chair. "He was looking for you."

"And?" Jyn is aware of the time. She knows it's lunch time, but she's not hungry, and she has lots of work to accomplish still.

"He has a nice smile." Kiwa is leaning toward her now, resting both elbows on the tabletop. "And very nice hair."

While Jyn agrees on all points, she's not sure she's comfortable agreeing with Kiwa. They aren't that close, yet, and she's not sure what the social protocol is here. "It's nice that you think so?"

"He seems very nice." Kiwa shrugs when she fails to elicit a response from Jyn with her observations.

"He is nice." Jyn agrees. He's the nicest person she's ever met, although she knows he doesn't believe her when she tells him that.

"So..."

"So?" Jyn drops the soldering iron and pushes the safety goggles up on her forehead in exasperation.

"So, when are you two getting married?" Kiwa's eyebrows elevate toward her hairline conspiratorially.

When, indeed? "I'm not sure." Jyn shrugs, finding it ironic that she was just wondering that herself. "We haven't really talked about it." She's still a tad annoyed that Kentaro told everyone they are engaged. She's only been working here a few weeks, and people keep congratulating her and asking for details.

"Do you have anything planned?" Kiwa may be three years older than Jyn, but Jyn feels like she's aged decades in a few seconds here. She's never dreamed of weddings. She never imagined herself getting married.

"No." She says simply.

"No?" Kiwa cries in disbelief. "How come? Why?"

Jyn chews her bottom lip a few times before giving in and answering honestly. "I don't know what to do. I've never been to a wedding. On any planet."

Kiwa considers this quietly, and Jyn settles her eye protection back on her nasal bridge and resumes soldering.

After a full ten minutes of Kiwa tapping furiously on a datapad, she slides it across the table toward her younger friend.

"Here. Check this out."

Jyn rolls her eyes as she slides the goggles back up to the top of her head and replaces the iron on the stand.

"What?" She peruses the datapad for a moment. Kiwa has searched for local wedding customs, and found a short description of a small, private chapel package. It's close by, intimate, and inexpensive. The monks at the attached temple raise money by offering small weddings. No frills, minimal expense. Honestly it looks perfect. She's reading the details carefully and scrolling through the pictures when she recognizes the building. It's the small temple with all the flags she and Cassian saw after their hike. They saw it right before he blurted out his proposal.

"This is perfect." She murmurs quietly. The price is a fraction of what she expected. Clearly the monks aren't looking to get rich off of this enterprise, but that is ideal for her.

"I thought you might like it." Kiwa moves around the table and stands beside Jyn pointing to several details on the datapad. "It's not fancy, but it's still pretty. You don't have to feel like you need to invite a million people, because the chapel is so small." She knows that neither Jyn nor Cassian have any family to speak of that might attend. "And, you can rent an outfit there for just a few credits if you want."

Jyn honestly hadn't even thought of what she might wear.

"Do I have to wear something...you know...?"

"Fancy?" Kiwa supplies.

"Yeah."

"I guess you two should decide that. I think it's up to you."

That doesn't sound so bad. Jyn has her new clothes that Cassian bought for her. The teal shirt is pretty.

"But we're close to the same size." Kiwa shrugs. "I might have a dress you can borrow. It wouldn't be a traditional wedding dress, but you're welcome to wear anything."

Jyn blinks quickly, and stares at her friend, mouth agape. Since she met Cassian, her life has become a revolving door of generous people. It still strikes her as unusual from time to time, but she's trying to retrain her instincts. Rather than brushing this offer off and running, she chooses a new tact.

"Thank you."

"Come over after work sometime." Kiwa wonders back to her snacks, left in front of her chair on the other side of the table. "You can go through my closet and see if there's anything you like."

Jyn can't imagine herself wearing anything that Kiwa owns. The young woman, while only a centimeter or so taller than Jyn, has a vastly different personal style. She is prone to gauzy scarves and flowing skirts. Sparkly jewelry bordering on garish usually adorns her ears, wrists, and fingers. Cassian may have an image of her in his head at their wedding, though, she realizes suddenly. He may have imagined a traditional bride. Maybe in the dress typical of his homeworld? Perhaps they should talk about this, she resolves. She downloads the information onto her own datapad, and pauses with her finger over the screen. She has her own pad. Cassian found it secondhand at the market, and he reprogrammed it and updated the software.

* * *

That night Jyn tries to gather her courage while she and Cassian are cooking dinner. She tries again when they're eating dinner, and finds her tongue unable to move inside of her mouth. She takes three deep breaths and attempts a third time when they're cleaning up after the meal, but the inside of her mouth has gone dry and sticky. Finally, when the kitchen area is clean, and Jyn is standing mutely in the center of the room, Cassian helps her out.

"What is it?" He frames her delicate face with his hands, brushing the hair from her eyes. "You've been trying to say something all night." His heart is beating wildly beneath his rib cage, and he steadies his facial expression to remain neutral.

Jyn meets his dark brown eyes, and reaches up to wrap her hands around his wrists for support. "Kiwa and I were talking today." She can see him relax a little at that, the lines at the corners of his eyes disappear. Tension releasing.

"She asked what I was going to wear when we..." She trails off, suddenly remembering her earlier uncertainty of his intentions.

"When we get married?" He supplies softly, a hint of a smile on one corner of his mouth.

"Yeah."

"And?"

"I...I was wondering what you wanted."

Relief floods through Cassian, and he draws her against him, wrapping one arm around her back, the hand of the other tangling in her hair.

"Whatever you want to wear is fine with me." This is the first time since the night of their engagement that they have spoken about the wedding. "We can do whatever you want." His joints feel gelatinous, and he's grateful that she's holding him tightly. It may be unreasonable, but he's been afraid that she'd changed her mind. She hasn't been distant or angry with him, but his old fears and self doubts creep into his consciousness and make him worry.

Jyn turns her head to rest her cheek against his chest. This is the safest place she knows.

"Can I show you something?" Her eyes are closed as she poses the question. "Just to see what you think?"

"Of course." He's rubbing her back again in that soothing way that he always does. Fingertips seeking out knots and beads of tense muscle, and working at them until they release.

"It's on my datapad." She tips her face up to meet his gaze. "I'll be right back."

Cassian takes a seat on the sofa while she retrieves her pad, and welcomes the warmth of her body flush against the side of his when she returns. He wonders, while she brings up whatever she wants to show him, if words will always be this difficult for them. Will they always struggle to talk to each other? Does she doubt the depth of his emotion for her? How does he find the words to tell her how much she means to him on a regular basis? How does he make her understand that he'd do anything for her, give anything to keep her safe?

"Here." Jyn is handing him the pad. "Kiwa found this. It's pretty cheap, but..." She trails off, uncertain of what she's asking him. Perhaps he doesn't even want a ceremony. Maybe he just planned on signing forms and being done with it? She's worried now that she made a mistake.

Cassian peruses the screen carefully, taking note of the prices, the location, and the details.

"This is the temple we saw that day, isn't it?" He meets her gaze, and notes the anxious way she's biting her lip. It makes him want to kiss her. She just nods her assent.

"It's just a thought." She shrugs. "An idea. I don't care. You can hate it. I just...I wasn't sure what you wanted."

He gives in to his thoughts and kisses her, placing the pad beside him, he draws her onto his lap. "I don't care where we do it." He breaths against her mouth. "As long as it's you I'm marrying."

Jyn's face scrunches for a moment, and he worries he's said the wrong thing, but she's kissing him now. His concern disintegrates as her lips press against his.

"Kiwa found it." She finally gets out, breathless. Her hands are in his hair, and she's straddling him. Her mind wonders back to that night on Hoth when she considered climbing into his lap to comfort him. "It was just an idea. I wasn't sure if you wanted a ceremony at all. Or just paperwork? Or what are weddings like on Fest?" Her thoughts are jumbled because she's nervous and because he's looking at her like she's the only thing he sees. Like she matters.

"I don't remember Fest that well." He admits, hands settling on her hips for a moment. "So I'm fine with this. The location is perfect for us." It's also affordable, but what makes him happiest is that she still wants to do this. She's still willing to marry him.

"Do you remember what you're supposed to wear to a wedding? On Fest?" Her fingertips are tracing his facial hair now, stroking with and against the direction of growth.

"No." He shrugs, touched that she's this concerned that he have a say. That his customs be observed. If only he remembered them. "It doesn't have to be Festian. It doesn't matter to me. As long as you show up."

"I will." She whispers, small hands flat against his cheeks, and eyes wide open, imploring him to believe her.

"Then that's everything I need."

She smiles at him, a real smile. It's the smile only he gets to see, and he seizes the opportunity to kiss her again. He wishes there were some sort of code to kissing. Wishes there was a way to tell her what he's feeling without words. He hopes she understands his nonverbal communication. _I'd do anything for you. You are the only thing in my life that matters. I'll never hurt you. Don't leave me. I love you.  
_

Finally, she pulls away a centimeter or two, breathless. "Kiwa said she has dresses she can loan me." Her chest is heaving as she tries to slow her breathing. "If you want me to wear a dress."

"I don't care if you wear a bathrobe." He tells her honestly.

"It's not like a wedding dress, she said." Jyn grins at him. "But I thought something nicer might be...good." She's tried to remember what the picture of her parents wedding looked like. It was one of the few personal items they'd brought with them to Lah'mu. Try as she might, she can only remember where it sat inside the house. She's fairly certain her mother had on a dress, though. Jyn is certain she hasn't worn a dress since she was four. Since they left Coruscant. They're impractical for guerilla fighting, and she'd had no need for one when she'd been on the run and alone.

"That sounds perfect." Cassian agrees, thrilled that they're having this discussion at all. "Do you want to invite anyone?" The information she showed him mentioned that there is room for a few guests. Not many, but neither of them have many people to invite.

"Hanako and Kentarosan, of course." Jyn ticks them off on her fingers. "Kiwa." She looks him in the eye. "Mabion and Honza?"

"Naturally." Cassian agrees, touched that she's included his friends on her list. He is also thrilled that she listed Kiwa. She's making friends here, finding a place for herself. She's living.

"What about you?" Her hands are clasped behind his neck.

"That's plenty for me." He shrugs. "I don't want a big production." And he doesn't have many people left in his life to add to that list. "When do you want to do this?" He doesn't want to rush her, but he's getting antsy. He wants her to be his. He wants to be hers. He needs this to be official, to have that permanent attachment. He's been alone for so long.

"Soon, I guess." She shrugs. "We should ask Mabion if Honza can still travel."

"I can com him now if you want." Cassian offers, remembering his friend's insistence that he be invited to the wedding.

"Is it too much money?" Jyn is suddenly nervous, anxious about spending credits on something that isn't going to keep her alive. "We could just do the forms and be done with it."

Cassian draws her back against him, arms tight around her. He relishes the feeling of her arms around his neck. Her head against his. Her torso flush against him, hearts beating together.

"Let's do it this way." He whispers, thinking of all the celebrations they both missed out on. Birthdays. Graduations. They deserve this one day, even if they keep it small. And the cost is almost nothing. The price of a load of groceries. They're making decent money now. This is worth the expense.

"Okay." She tightens her arms around his neck, nose pressed against his neck. How can she be this happy, she wonders. How is it that this spy, this man who interrogated her, who participated in using her as a pawn for the Rebellion has given her a life she never imagined? How does he love her the way he claims to?

She pulls back and runs her fingertips gently across his face, over his nose, his forehead, cheeks.

"What?" He grabs her hands and presses her fingers to his lips.

"Just checking." She drops her gaze to his chest.

"For?"

"To see if you're real." The words come out strangled, but Cassian understands.

"I'm real." He presses a kiss against each of her palms. "And so are you."

* * *

Jyn is frustrated. She's laying in bed later that night, staring up at the ceiling, and confusion and frustration are battling for dominance in her head. Once again Cassian has pushed her away. He's slowed things down and put a stop to further physical displays of affection. They were on the sofa talking, kissing. She was sitting in his lap, straddling him. She could feel him beneath her, was aware of him as she settled her weight into his lap while she explored his mouth with her own. Then he'd pulled away again. Rested his forehead against hers and smiled at her like...she still can't name the look on his face. He keeps doing this, and Jyn is afraid to ask why.

They spent the evening talking about a wedding. He promised he still wanted to marry her. Did he not want...her? She blows her bangs out of her face, and swats at them, scrapes them from her forehead with more force than is technically necessary. This is a situation she's never encountered. Turning her head to look at him, she frowns. He's asleep on his back, breathing peacefully and unaware of her distress. Carefully, Jyn climbs out of bed, and grabs her robe. The green robe that Hanako gave her. Wrapping it around her body tightly, she pads out into the main room of the small cabin.

In her old life, her life on the run, she'd down a few quick shots and get back to sleep. Or gather her courage and climb on top of him. But it's Cassian. So she fixes herself a cup of tea instead, and sinks into the chair at the table. Maybe he just doesn't want her that way, she muses while mindlessly tapping on her datapad. Can she live with that? He'd felt rather interested earlier when she was sitting in his lap. Does he have some sort of cultural objection? She never figured him for a monk, but she doesn't know much about Fest. He didn't seem too attached to the customs of a planet he admits he barely remembers.

She takes a sip of her tea and reads for a moment on her pad. Two cups of tea later, her head is resting on her arm, drool pooling onto the tabletop below.

* * *

"Jyn." A warm hand on her back wakes her from slumber.

"Hmmm." Jyn protests as she wipes at the moisture on her chin.

"Why are you sleeping out here?" He's squatting down to look at her. He didn't mean to spy on her, honestly he didn't. His bladder woke him, and he found she wasn't beside him. They only have two rooms, so she wasn't hard to find, asleep at the table with her mug and datapad. He hadn't meant to glance at the pad when he gently pried it from her hand, but his eyes glanced over it nonetheless. His heart plummeted when he saw what she'd been researching.

"Jyn, come to bed." He'll ignore his disappointment for now.

She sits in the chair, eyes fixed on him, and unmoving. He can tell she's mulling something over, deciding if she wants to pus a voice to her thoughts. He steels himself for what's coming. The silence between them extends, fills the room uncomfortably. He feels strangled by the emptiness.

"You don't want to..." She pauses then changes direction. "Why won't you...have sex with me?" She finally blurts it out, cheeks flushing bright red. She won't let his gaze drop, though, and Cassian exhales a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

His brain is swimming. This is not where he thought this conversation was going. Thinking back, though, he can see how she'd come to that conclusion. He misunderstood what she was reading tonight. She thinks _he_ isn't interested. She couldn't be more wrong.

"Jyn." He pulls up a chair close to hers and reaches for her hand. "That's not it." This is not where he wanted to have this conversation. He didn't want her on the defensive. There's no avoiding it now, so he dives in carefully.

"I...do." He stammers, searching for the words that will deflate her anger. "I..." Kriff. He runs a hand over his stubble and yanks it through his hair.

Deciding on honesty, he jumps again. She's waiting patiently for him to continue, and that is unnerving.

"I don't want to hurt you." He finally offers, then winces when he realizes how she might interpret that. "I'm...you said something a few weeks ago. It made me nervous."

"Nervous?" Jyn is blatantly confused now. Doesn't want to hurt her? Nervous? What did she say? She caused this? She pushed him away?

"You mentioned that the prison wasn't very safe." His voice is soft, and he's holding her hand, stroking her arm with the other hand. "If someone hurt you there, if you have...traumas...I don't want to bring up...unpleasant memories for you." He's dancing around it. Trying so hard to not use the words, to not make her feel like he finds her broken.

Jyn is silent for a while as she considers his revelation. She did say that. She hadn't realized how he'd interpret her words. He's been holding back for her. She bites the inside of her cheek for a moment and stares at their joined hands. If she'd kept her mouth shut...

"Jyn." Cassian's voice is soft, laden with care. How can he make one syllable sound so important?

"Jyn." He's reaching for her now, and she allows him to pull her other hand into his grasp. Her silence is tearing him apart. He can't change the past, and he's lost hours of sleep in the last few weeks worrying. She was out there, in the galaxy. Completely alone. And people hurt her. "You can tell me."

"Yes." She finally rasps. "No. Sort of. Not really."

Cassian can feel his heart rate ratchet up close to one hundred. Higher. "Jyn." He manages to get her name out, but nothing else. He tightens his grip on her hands and wishes they were anywhere else. The sofa. The bed. Hiking in the forest. Somewhere where he could pull her against him and shield her from the evils of the galaxy. He wishes he could undo the past. What does sort of mean? Not really? Some things are binary. Cassian likes his life in black and white. Good. Bad. Yes. No. Those are grey areas. He's always hated grey. Jyn lived in grey. She had to.

"Jyn." As much as he doesn't want to, he needs to know. "Talk to me."

* * *

 _A/N: I missed May the Fourth because I type too slowly. My fingers type quickly, but my brain was slow. I humbly submit this as a belated chapter. I had to split it into two. And raise the rating due to mention of adult themes. I had to split it up. It won't get graphic. And I wanted Jyn to have a friend of her own, so... meet Kiwa. I try to avoid the popular "Jyn in peril" themes, but facts are, Jyn was sixteen and alone. And prisons ARE dangerous. I worked in one briefly. It was terrifying. So. Don't burn me at the stake, please._

 _Thank you to everyone who read Chapter 27, and extra thanks to those who reviewed and said kind things. Thanks to TortoisetheStoryteller, Christmas 95, anon, Capsassian, Moniecat, 16KnightOwls, excellentboiledpotatoes, Claire de Blanche, SandBank, Vilian, Mademoiselle le Chat, and Silver Arashi._

 _More of Cassian's POV in the next chapter. This was pretty Jyn-centric. (which I'm okay with, because I love her. But I love Cassian, too, so...)_


	29. Chapter 29

Jyn remains silent for so long that Cassian is on the verge of giving up and just tucking Jyn back into bed, but something is keeping him rooted in this chair. It isn't a function of some sick need to hear about the horrifying parts of her past. He needs to know so that he can avoid hurting her further. He's tried just keeping his hands to himself, denying either one of them the intimacy that might lead to nightmares or flashbacks for her, and that hasn't worked. Now she's frustrated, and she thinks he doesn't want her physically. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Jyn opens her mouth and shuts it again five times in the past minute. She seems to be edge of opening up to him, but then changes her mind or looses her nerve. She's fidgeting in her seat, chewing on the cuticle of her left thumb.

"Why don't I make us some tea?" Cassian cups the side of her face gently with a warm hand as he rises and reaches for the pot.

"I've had two cups already." Jyn finally finds her voice. "I'll be right back."

She rushes out of the kitchen, and Cassian knows - he just knows - that she'll avoid him after. She'll climb into bed and feign sleep to avoid this conversation. Rather than finish making their hot beverages, he follows her and sits on the edge of the bed. He'll wait. She may not be ready to talk to him about this tonight, but it doesn't have to be a total loss. And sometimes it can be easier to talk to someone in the dark. Inky blackness can smooth the edges off of the difficult conversations. It can sand over the harsh scratches in the secrets that pierce you and make you bleed, and it gives you a place to hide when you bare your soul to another person.

"Let's go to bed." He urges softly when Jyn emerges from the fresher.

She nods silently and crosses the room to climb under the blankets.

"Come here." He keeps his voice low in the stillness of the dark room as he reaches for her. He gathers her into his arms and tugs her close to him. She's tense against him, and he kisses her forehead to relax her. Kisses her temple, and lets his lips linger against the soft skin of her face.

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." He murmurs, the fingers of his left hand stroking the tangles from her hair. "But you can't stop me from worrying about you."

"You don't need to worry about me." Jyn protests, shuffling to get more comfortable.

"If I tell you not to worry about me, will you stop?" Cassian counters, knowing her answer before he asks the question.

"Of course not." She concedes with a huff. She knows what he's doing.

"Well then." He doesn't rub in his point any deeper.

He's nearly asleep when her voice, quiet and timid, drags him back to consciousness.

"Sometimes it makes things easier if you just go along with it." She turns her head away from him, hiding, even in the night.

Cassian clenches his jaw, and makes a point to reach out and brush his fingertips over her shoulder. Down her arm. Move closer to her. Her equivocal words from earlier make more sense now.

"Jyn, you can always say no to me. And you can change your mind whenever you want. About anything."

"I'm not afraid of you, Cassian." She rolls onto her side and tries to make out his features in the dim light let in through the blinds. She's being truthful. There's something about Cassian Andor that she's always trusted, even when she didn't want to. She is touched, though, once she had some time to think about his words. This is a man who will deny himself pleasure if there's a chance the act will dredge up bad memories for her.

"I'm glad to hear that." He's smiling at her, but his stomach has clenched itself into a knot. He can't change the past, but he's going to alter her future. She's already changed his life - saved it, even. She gave him something to live for. His life before Jyn only consisted of the Rebellion, his next mission, and waiting to die an inevitably early death. Now he lives for her, to make her life better. To care for her and let her care for him. He lives to love her.

"Cassian?" Jyn whispers.

"Yeah?"

"I don't break."

"I know." His concentration is split between the conversation and the way Jyn's fingers are rubbing up and down his spine. He's seen her in action, though. His Jyn is tough. Strong. But even the strongest branches break if you bend them far enough.

"I'm sorry." He finally whispers, although he consciously omits what he's sorry for. He's sorry he let her think he didn't want her. He's sorry her parents abandoned her and left her to Saw. He's sorry she lost her childhood to Saw Gerrera's radical fanaticism. He's sorry she was abandoned at sixteen and left alone in a galaxy torn apart by this war. He's proud, too, though. He's proud of her strength, her fortitude. He's proud of the way she's relaxing into this new life they're making together. He's proud of her newfound ability to trust and make friends.

"Don't apologize." Jyn squeezes him tighter against her, still a bit in awe of how much he seems to care about her. The depth of her own emotion for him scares her, sometimes. If he leaves, or if something happens to him, she'll never be okay again. She would have been willing to be with him back on Hoth, with the Rebellion, but she's suddenly certain that she understands part of his reasons for dragging her out here to the Outer Rim with him. If he feels for her the way she feels for him, then she's grateful she isn't putting him through the anxiety that she experienced when he was out on missions without her. They weren't even...anything...back then. Friends, she supposes, yes. But not anything closer.

"I never want to cause you pain." Cassian whispers against the top of her head.

"You don't." She promises. "Some things are in the past. You can't change them."

"No, but I can dream about hunting them down and..."

"Cassian." Her warning is tinged with affection.

"Fine." He's not happy about this. He has some very creative torture techniques saved up that he's read about. The Empire is nothing if not thorough in their documentation of interrogation methods, and he is a very talented network hacker.

"Look, it's like Saw told me. Not every battle is a strategic victory, and some aren't worth fighting if the outcome isn't going to change anything wothwhile."

Cassian is dumbfounded. Enraged and crumbling at the same time. She has to know she's worth more than that. Important. Precious.

"Jyn." His voice is raw. "That's wrong."

She just shrugs in his arms. "What's done is done. Besides, do you expect me to believe that you haven't done things you regret to survive?"

He has, but this seems different. Because it's Jyn. Because as much as he knows she can take care of herself, he has the irrepressible urge to protect her. She won't appreciate it if he tells her that, though. He shot people, executed them. Assassinated them. He lied and misled. He's not proud of those things, and the faces haunt him, but it's not the same thing.

"I love you, Jyn." He manages to say it again, and find it easier than he'd feared. It slips readily off his tongue this time, voice deep with emotion. She feels warm and alive against him, solid and soft in his arms. Her skin is silk under his lips as he peppers the side of her face with affection.

Jyn smiles at him in the dark room and clutches him tightly. She believes him, and while that might have frightened her a few months ago, it seems tangible now. Real.

"I...love you." It's not easier this time, Jyn thinks, and hopes it will be some day. She means it, though. The sentiment is real and heartfelt. Perhaps it's the recent topic of conversation. She hadn't wanted him to know this part of her past. Unreasonable, perhaps, but she didn't want him to judge her. Or leave her.

"Let's get some sleep." He offers, grateful to have her here in his arms.

Jyn drifts off easily, content and comfortable. Cassian stares at her for a long time, marvels at the unlikeliness of their lives converging in this galaxy. What are the odds he'd run across a creature as smart and strong and wonderful as Jyn Erso? They had a rocky beginning, he and Jyn. Mutual dislike and distrust could have ended any relationship before it started, yet somehow here they are. Engaged and happy. Living a simple life on the edge of the galaxy. Monbetsu isn't perfect, and there is the chance that the Empire will try to take over in the future. This planet lacks large stores of ore, rich veins of kyber, or anything else that might be of use to the Empire's war machine, though. That was one of the main reasons Kentaro and Hanako chose to move here in the first place. Who knows what the Empire will want to take in the future?

Now he has a home, this cozy cabin is more than a dream to him. They don't own it, but it feels like home. Perhaps they can save enough money to buy a cabin some day. Or a small ship. Then they can move to another planet if the Empire takes an interest in this one. He has everything he could ever want here in his arms.

* * *

Cassian is distracted at work the next day, and it does not escape Kentaro's notice. They are off installing updates to a recently completed building in Capitol City, and Cassian clearly isn't listening to a word Kentaro has said in the last ten minutes. Kentaro keeps up his commentary for a few more minutes, allowing Cassian time with his thoughts. Eventually, his worry for his younger employee wins over his desire to allow him some privacy.

"Son." A kind hand on Cassian's shoulder draws him back to the present. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Cassian hesitates. He does need to talk to someone, but he refuses to break Jyn's confidence.

"I really can't." He runs a hand brusquely through his hair, yanking on the ends a bit.

"Is it Jyn?" Kentaro possibly knows Cassian better than anyone else in the galaxy, save for Hanako. "Are things okay with you two?"

"We're fine." Cassian holds out a hand to allay concerns. "We actually found a location for the wedding yesterday. The small temple across the valley?"

Kentaro nods sagely, and claps Cassian on the back once. "A good choice."

They lapse back into silence for a few minutes while Cassian composes his thoughts once more.

"Do you...have dreams...about the war?" He eventually ventures quietly, not looking in Kentaro's direction.

"I do." Kentaro asserts. "Less frequently now. It's been five years since I left. It does get easier."

"Are there...things that take you back...to the war? When you're awake?"

"Less now." Kentaro admits. "I'll never be a fan of explosions or fireworks up close, but I can appreciate them now. For their beauty."

"What about..." Cassian pauses, trying to find the best way to ask this question without betraying Jyn's trust. "What about with other people? With Hanako?"

Kentaro motions to the large, insulated box in which they transported their equipment to the job site. Cassian has a seat, and buries his head in his hands.

"Mothma always said we weren't doing enough for the soldiers and operatives." Kentaro remembers the graceful Senator arguing eloquently to reallocate more funds into care of the soldier's minds and psyches.

Cassian just nods silently. He was in some of those meetings, where the Senator made impassioned speeches as she advocated for the mental heal of the men and women of the Rebellion. None of this helps him with Jyn, though.

"But this isn't about you, is it, Son?" Kentaro stares out at the buildings and crowds on the street.

Cassian just shakes his head as an answer. Even if Mothma's policies or programs would have helped with these issues, he dragged her away from the Rebellion. Although, even before she was locked up in Wobani, Cassian figures she had a lifetime of traumas and nightmares. He knows without a doubt that the Partisans never bothered themselves the mental well-being of their soldiers. Saw's famously unhinged paranoia is proof enough of that. And now...

"What is it?" Kentaro's voice is soft. He likes Jyn, and he loves Cassian like a son. If the young man is this upset, something must really be wrong.

"I can't say." Cassian waves him off. "I just...I don't want to hurt her."

Kentaro nods without a word. "Just talk to her." He offers no other advice.

* * *

Jyn takes the speeder to Kiwa's house after work. She lives with her entire family, and the house is crowded with sounds and bodies of relatives.

"It's all in here." Kiwa flings open the doors to her closet, and motions to Jyn. "Go crazy."

Jyn takes her time looking at clothes. She thinks, for a moment, that if she combined every article of clothing she's owned in her lifetime, they wouldn't fill this closet the way Kiwa's wardrobe does. She's discarded four dresses in a row without so much as a second glance when her friend intervenes.

"Move." Kiwa orders, and grabs the dress from Jyn's hand. "Try it on." She tosses the garment on her sister's bed and stands with her hands on her hips, daring Jyn to refuse.

"It's not..." Jyn glances at the garment for a moment, searching for words that won't be offensive to her new friend. It's not her style. It's bright red, for one, and has ruffles. Jyn hates it. "It's not what I'm looking for."

"Well you have to try something on." Kiwa exclaims. "Tell me what you like."

The look of terror on Jyn's face brings Kiwa over to her in an instant. "What colors do you like?"

Jyn just shrugs. Colors have never mattered to her. "Something...not this bright. Or...fluffy."

Kiwa huffs, and grabs another garment. "How about this one?" She holds it up for Jyn to appraise.

Jyn eyes the dress critically. It's less offensive than the orangey-red one, for certain. It's dark purple, and simple. Longish sleeves look like they will just pass her elbows. No fuss. No frills or ruffles. No lace. Just a simple garment, fitted in the bodice with a flowing, but not full skirt.

"That's it." Kiwa presses the dress into Jyn's hands. "You're trying it on."

Jyn stares at herself in the mirror a few moments later. This is perfect. It's nearly the exact same color as the scarf that Cassian bought her a few months ago. She loves that scarf because it's so soft, but moreso because it's from Cassian. His eyes never fail to light up when she wears it, which is nearly daily here on this chilly world. It's not snowing as much now, but the temperatures are still low enough that Jyn fears hypothermia if she gets lost outside. Cassian has told her on several occasions that the purple color brings out the sparkle in her green eyes.

"I'll keep it here." Kiwa smiles as she hangs the dress back in her closet. "And I'll bring it to the chapel. I can help you get ready, do your hair, and whatnot." She rummages in a drawer for a moment, and hands a large wooden box to Jyn as she slips her top back on and smooths her hair.

"What's this?"

"You need jewelry." Kiwa insists, opening the lid and pointing inside. "It's a wedding. We need to make you fancy."

Jyn stares at the sparkly assortment of flashy jewelry inside with poorly concealed horror.

"I don't think I'm that kind of fancy." Jyn tries to find a diplomatic way to say it, not wanting to hurt her new friend's feelings when she's being this generous.

"They aren't all that big." She rifles through the box quickly, and extracts a simple pendant on a gold chain. "This would be perfect. Way better than that old thing you're wearing."

Jyn's hand goes immediately to her chest and fists around the crystal pendant. "I'm wearing this." She's shaking her head, voice firm. "It's not negotiable."

Something in Jyn's voice tells Kiwa that she won't make any headway fighting this battle.

"How about a bracelet, then?" She hands Jyn a delicate-looking strand of iridescent beads. "Try this on." She reaches for Jyn's wrist and carefully fastens the clasp.

"It's perfect." Kiwa says as she takes a step back to survey. "Do you need earrings? How about a matching necklace to add to yours?"

Jyn has to admit that the bracelet is lovely, and it will be a fine addition to the dress. "Just the necklace. If it's not too long."

"Relax." Kiwa stands behind her friend to fasten the necklace. "I think the length is good. It'll be fine with your necklace."

Jyn is still rubbing her thumb over the now smooth planes of the crystal as she inspects her reflection in the mirror. She's never worn jewelry so extravagant. Cassian doesn't seem to be a man who cares about these things, but it's their wedding. This doesn't cost her a single credit, and it won't hurt to dress up a bit for the occasion.

"What if I lose it?" Jyn lets go of her crystal and draws her fingertips across the pretty beads near her collarbone. "Or it breaks?"

"They're not real." Kiwa shrugs. "Just pretty. It won't matter. I've had this for years, and it's never broken. My little sister borrows them all the time."

That reassures Jyn considerably, and she's nodding before she knows it. "This is good. It's pretty. Thank you."

"I'll find something to put in your hair." Kiwa promises, without asking for Jyn's opinion. She knows her friend will object to the frippery, but it'll be harder to say "no" when it's five minute until the wedding and Jyn is nervous.

* * *

Cassian catches her the next day in the lab as he hunts for Jyn.

"Kiwa. Good morning." He nods politely at the young woman who befriended his Jyn as his eyes scan the large room.

"She's in Ken's office." Kiwa tosses her long braid over her back and smiles, knowing exactly who the tall man is looking to find.

"What?" He glances down at his shirt to make sure there's no stain on it. Why is she smiling at him like this?

"Jyn came over last night." Her dark eyes are sparkling at her friend's fiance, and Cassian just nods hesitantly. He is aware of this. Kentaro took him home so Jyn could have the speeder.

"You better look sharp at this wedding." She wags her finger at him and smiles like she has a secret. "Because Jyn is going to knock you over."

Cassian chuckles at that image, because it could happen either literally or figuratively.

"She always takes my breath away." Cassian assures her with a grin.

"Trust me, you haven't seen anything, yet." Kiwa assures him. She's still working on footwear for her friend. Jyn's feet are too small to borrow her shoes. Her shorter friend assured her that she was fine wearing her beaten up boots, but Kiwa is on a mission. She will locate proper footwear if it kills her.

"Do you have a reservation, yet?" She calls after Cassian before he gets to the doorway. "At the temple?"

"Three days." Cassian stops and smiles nervously at her. "But I haven't told Jyn, yet. I just got back." The monks were fairly ecstatic at the prospect of a wedding. Something about them reminds Cassian of Baze and Chirrut, but he figures he's imagining it the likeness. This isn't a kyber temple, just a lesser temple, smaller and more likely to be overlooked. He wonders for a moment what kind of artifacts are hidden there. The monks aren't fools, he knows. A small, forgotten temple is the perfect place to store important antiques and relics out of the way of the eyes of the Empire.

"Good." Kiwa is nodding, trying to figure how she's going to appropriate a decent pair of shoes in three days. "Relax." She smiles reassuringly at the anxious man in front of her. "Everything will go just fine."

He just nods at her, then takes his leave. He meant to tell Jyn before he told anyone else, but it just...came out. He's excited, and he's slipping. He used to be better than this. He's a former intelligence officer, for Force sake. He knows how to keep a secret under interrogation, but something about Kiwa made him spit out the day. Jyn won't mind, he reminds himself. She won't be mad. They did discuss potential days, and she was fine doing this as soon as possible. It's the evening of a workday, so the price is even cheaper, and the weather should actually be sunny that day. Everything will be fine, he tells himself. Just fine.

* * *

"It's too...fussy." Jyn shakes her head as she looks at her reflection in the mirror, heart skipping beats beneath her rib cage. She glances down at the reflection of her chest in the mirror, expecting to see evidence of her elevated pulse there. All she finds is her reflection; resplendent in rich purple fabric. Kiwa's lovely beaded necklace. Her own kyber crystal. It feels warm and comfortingly heavy against her chest.

Chirrut and Baze spoke to her last night in her dream. It felt so real that she tried to reach for him when she woke.

 _"Have you found what you seek, Jyn?"_

 _"You are binding yourself tomorrow, little sister."_

 _"Take care with the Captain, little star. He will take care with you."_

 _"Make sure you keep his favorite caf stocked. And his favorite gin."_

 _"She is his favorite Jyn, Baze!"_

 _She smiles at the memory of the two Guardians chuckling at the inside joke._

 _"The captain cares deeply for you." Chirrut had smiled at her, his unseeing eyes cheerful, smile on his face. "See that you care for him, as well. Your future is still bright, and your path is clear."_

"Nonsense, child." Hanako pats her shoulder and shakes her head. "This is perfect. It's your wedding day. A little fussy is a good thing."

Jyn blinks and concentrates again on the task of getting ready.

"I agree." Kiwa finishes fastening the flower into Jyn's hair. Hanako found a small white flower edged in bioluminescent purple. The ladies have Jyn's dark hair curled softly, framing her face. A small piece on either side of her face is twisted and pinned back, with a flower attached to the pin on the left side.

"You look perfect." Kiwa beams, as Jyn assesses her reflection hesitantly. "Except for the boots."

"They're fine." Jyn shrugs. "The dress covers them, and they're comfortable."

"Jyn, dear." Hanako hands her the new shoes that Kiwa procured. "Wear the shoes. Just for the ceremony. Then you can change into your boots."

"But..."

"Child, put on the shoes your friend got you." Her voice is kind, but firm, and Jyn is chastened.

"Fine." She tries not to grumble as she removes her beloved boots and slips on the black, dressy shoes. They're not heels, but they aren't terribly comfortable or warm.

"Better?" She stands and lifts the hem of Kiwa's dress. She feels ridiculous, like she's wearing a costume. The dress is frillier than she remembered, some sort of shiny fabric with a pattern on it. It does fit perfectly, but with the bracelet, necklace, and a glowing flower in her hair, Jyn feels foolish. Like a little girl playing in her mother's clothes. She reaches for her own crystal and calms herself with the familiar weight of it in her hand. Is Cassian this nervous, she wonders? She feels like she might throw up, stomach churning in somersaults one after another.

"Here." Hanako extends a hand to Jyn, brush covered in powdery substance. "Just a touch. You don't need much."

She and Kiwa brush a few swipes of makeup over Jyn's cheeks and eyelids, then press color into her lips.

"Stop!" Jyn tries to bat them away. "I'm going to look ridiculous." Cassian won't even recognize her.

"Nonsense." Hanako pats her shoulder maternally. "We're not covering anything. Just enhancing. Drawing attention to your eyes." She's seen Cassian staring into Jyn's eyes. They are her most striking feature, bright green and swirling with emotion.

The ladies finish up with a few more swipes, then step away from the mirror so Jyn can see her face.

"See?" Kiwa bends her face down and smiles at Jyn in the mirror. "You look gorgeous."

Jyn actually doesn't disagree. She doesn't look like a parody of herself at all - just a more polished version.

"Here." Hanako hands her three larger flowers identical to the one in Jyn's hair except for size. "It's time to go."

* * *

The sun has set, darkness descends early over Monbetsu this time of year. Cassian is anxious as he slips his jacket on. He hasn't worn this one in a long time. It used to be part of a costume of sorts. He was Joreth Sward the last time he wore this, suave and smarmy. A member of the Imperial elite. It felt stiff and just...wrong then. He wears it proudly today, smoothing the fabric over his chest. This is a jacket for a special occasion, and he's grateful to have new memories to associate with it. He won't be silently slitting anyone's throat today. It's a wonder he didn't get blood all over the sleeve. He checks the fabric above the wrist once more, looking for stains and finding none.

"Relax, Andor." Mabion is lounging in a chair, sock-covered feet propped up on the small table. "Do you want a shot? I brought the good stuff."

"I'm fine." Cassian waves him off with a grateful smile and a shake of his head. He wants to be able to remember everything about this day. This is the day he officially is no longer alone. He gains family today - official family. Legally bonded and recognized. His eyes slip closed for a few seconds at the thought. Kiwa teased him on her way into the temple changing area. Honza hugged him, Kentaro pulled him aside and offered marriage advice. His best friend is here supporting him. Only Kay is missing. And the Guardians. And Bodhi, he figures. Jyn would want Bodhi here. And her father.

As long as he's indulging in wishes, Cassian allows himself a moment to wish his parents were here. He has very few memories of his family these days, but he remembers his mother and father the most. His father would come in late, tall and booming with laughter and stories of his day. He'd sweep Cassian and his siblings into his arms one by one, and hold them for a few moments tightly against his chest. Cassian wonders now if his father knew all along that he wouldn't see them grow up. Was he trying to savor each moment, imprint them to save for later? When each child was greeted, Jeron Andor would sweep his wife into his arms, whirl her around, and kiss her soundly. The one enduring memory that Cassian has of his parents together is more of a feeling than a memory. It's the way his father looked at his wife, eyes soft with adoration. He always told the children that his wife was the loveliest girl he'd ever seen. Cassian hadn't understood the sentiment completely at the time. A young child always thinks his mother is the most beautiful woman in the galaxy. Now, thinking of Jyn, he understands what his father meant.

"If you don't want a shot, then we should go out there." Mabion puts the bottle away and winks at Cassian. "Nervous?"

"A bit." He admits, uncharacteristically honest.

"That's totally normal." Kentaro smiles and hands Cassian a small box. "You'll need this. Let's go, Son. It's time."

"What is this?" Cassian questions his former commanding officer as he follows him out to the temple.

"Just give it to the monk." A gentle hand keeps the lid closed when Cassian tries for a peek.

Cassian glances around the temple with confusion. There have to be close to forty people inside, many faces he recognizes from work. Kentaro and Hanko must have arranged this. Coworkers, friends and casual acquaintances, strangers that must be family members of his coworkers. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't surprised at the number of people who gave up their week night to celebrate the marriage of a man and woman they barely know. He sees Kiwa peering in through the front of the temple, notes how she keeps her shawl tugged tightly around her shoulders. The open-air temple might be a mistake this time of year. Jyn gets cold easily, he knows, and he suspects that Kiwa has her in a dress.

"Look." Mabion nods out the back of the temple to the spectacle outside. "Looks like there's a light show just for you two."

Cassian turns see what his friend is pointing to, and gasps. The sky, inky black a few moments ago, is alight with color. Blues and greens. Pinks and yellows. The sky is celebrating his union, too. Jyn's union. Theirs. Stars glitter through the colored lights, and he can hear the strings of multi-colored flags waving in the gentle breeze outside. Jyn was right. This is the perfect place.

* * *

 _Author's Note: What a crazy week. Almost done, but no promises as to the number of chapters I'll end up writing. Sometimes this story takes on a life of its own. I hope you all had a wonderful week, and that May is treating you all well._

 _As always, a million thanks to the wonderful, lovely souls who left me loving and encouraging reviews. My personality tends to border on obsessive, and it's very stressful to post something and wait for reviews. There's always that lag where I keep thinking "It's a dud! Delete it before anyone else can read it! Prevent further public embarrassment." You, reviewers, are wonderful people. Thank you to green-jedi, Dida Mac, Loli-pop0394, jade598, Claire de Blanche, Sanityisnotmything, lindcita, anon, lindcita (again, for Ch 27), Anonymous, engineerwenlock, lilredhead3, leafdom05, Mademoiselle le Chat, Guest, Moniecat, Guest, Vilian, and Silver Arashi._

 _And as a warning, there's a troll about. Posts nasty, profanity-laden reviews. There's no way to report, as it is done anonymously, of course, but if you write and post, turn on "moderate guest reviews" so that bad energy is out of your life. No one needs that._

 _Have a fantastic week!_


	30. Chapter 30

The spectacle outdoors distracts Cassian for another few moments as he watches the lights. He nearly misses the monk's call to attention, and a hush falls over the crowd, which has only increased in size while his attention was elsewhere.

"Hey." Mabion nudges Cassian in the ribs with his elbow. "Cass. Get ready." He motions to the monk at the front of the temple, who is beckoning the groom forward.

"Oh. Yeah. Okay." He absently moves to the front of the room, barely noticing the chill of the night air.

"Are you meeting the bride here?" The smiling monk addresses him warmly, understanding the young man's anxiety.

Cassian gulps and looks around for Mabion or Kentaro. Hanako. Anyone. He and Jyn never discussed the actual details of the ceremony. Neither one knew they had a choice in these matters. Jyn probably wouldn't enjoy all of these eyes on her alone, but Cassian wasn't sure if his feet would uproot themselves from the floor and carry him down the aisle to the back of the chapel to meet his bride. _His bride_. He repeated the phrase in his mind a few times. He has a bride. Soon he'll have a wife. He'll be married to Jyn, his beautiful Jyn. Sweet and smart and lethal. The memory of her laying waste to a team of Stormtroopers on Jedha never fails to bring a smile to his face. She moves with power and grace. And ferocity.

In Cassian's silence, Mabion moves up to stand beside his friend. "She'll meet him up here." He makes the decision for the young couple, giving the ceremony some Festian traditions. Prior to his wedding, Mabion researched his home world. He, much like Cassian, was too young to remember the customs of his homeworld when he was forced to leave.

"And will she be escorted by anyone?"

Mabion smiled warmly at his friend. Festian custom dictated that the bride's family escort her down an aisle. Back home, the aisle would be adorned with flowers and ribbons, lined on both sides with well wishers throwing confetti or flower petals at the woman as she approached her future husband. The groom and his family would stand at the end of the aisle with baskets of fruits and bouquets of flowers. A lively band would play traditional music, and the bride's female friends would try to steal kisses from the groom all night. He was expected to decline their advances as evidence of his fidelity to his new wife.

"Kentaro and Hanako will escort her." Mabion answered for his inexplicably tongue-tied friend.

Kentaro, hearing the proclamation, nods at the monk and hurries down the aisle to find his wife. Having attended Mabion and Honza's wedding, he is aware of the Festian tradition. As he rounds a corner, he finds Hanako, Kiwa, and Jyn standing just outside. Jyn appears to be on the verge of hyperventilating, as Kiwa pats her back calmly and instructs her to breath. He waves the women off with a smile, and grabs Jyn's small hands in his.

"Dear." He smiles warmly at her, taking in the way the lights from the temple illuminate the young bride. "Everything will be fine. We are all here for you - for you and Cassian. He's waiting for you."

Jyn meets his eyes and attempts a smile. "I didn't think I'd be so nervous." She admits.

It feels foolish, these butterflies in her stomach. She's faced down killers, Stormtroopers, the man who killed her mother, and the Death Star - twice. She wasn't half as nervous then as she is right now.

"We'll all be with you." He gestures to his wife and Jyn's new friend. He had hoped she'd make friends with Kiwa when he put them in the same lab, but he'd never dared to dream they'd become this close so quickly. "It's the custom on Fest. We all go with you to meet Cassian."

Jyn's smile widens at this, and she glances at Hanako and Kiwa, standing a respectful distance away.

"I'm ready." She sets her jaw and nods at the ladies. "Let's do this."

Her confidence falters when they round the corner and she catches sight of the crowd in the temple, waiting patiently on benches.

"You're fine." Kiwa whispers and nudges her from behind before walking to stand in front of her as Kentaro directs her. "Just look for Cassian."

She tries, but finds it impossible to see the front of the temple from behind her friends. There is no music, Monbetsan tradition calls for a silent affair, but the monks are willing to meld traditions to suit their guests. Jyn's knees feel weak as she follows down the aisle. She'd peeked inside the temple earlier tonight when they'd first arrived. The room hadn't seemed nearly as large as it does now, with dozens of pairs of eyes on her.

Cassian meets the happy smiles of his mentors as they lead Jyn to him. Kentaro looks...proud, Cassian realizes, and wishes again that his own father cold be here today. He'd never imagined that he'd live long enough to marry, or that he'd ever consider leaving the Rebellion to to do so. He supposes he could have just married Jyn, and both could have continued serving, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't handle the risk of losing Jyn, or the guilt of knowing that he could be killed at any moment, abandoning the woman he loves once more.

He catches Jyn's eye for a moment from behind his friends. Her hair is loose and curled softly, brushing her shoulders. The edges of the flower pinned in her hair glow brilliantly in the soft light of the temple. The monk says something he doesn't really hear, and Hanako and Kentaro reply. He realizes belatedly that they're speaking Monbetsan, and he hopes the rest of the ceremony will be in Basic. Neither he nor Jyn are fluent in the local language, yet.

After exchanging a few more sentences, Kentaro, Hanako, and Kiwa turn their backs to Cassian. In a moment, they part, and Cassian feels like the air has been sucked from the room suddenly. Jyn is a vision in Kiwa's dress, and his mind goes blank as he stares at her. His bride is stunning, the dark purple of the dress and the glow of the flowers make her green eyes sparkle and shine like the lights outside the temple. She's smiling at him, equal parts shy and anxious and mischievous. He's reminded of her smile from two nights ago.

 _He'd awakened sweating and heart beating wildly, nightmare still vivid in his mind. It was the usual terrors, at least his new usual ones. Before Jyn he'd dreamed of the lives he'd taken, the family he'd lost. Friends who'd been killed, near misses and mishaps. Now he has more to lose. Now he dreams of losing Jyn, and the thought terrifies him. It wasn't always as simple as loss, though. That night, he'd once again been the one responsible for her death. She looked at him with her sad, green eyes and asked why he'd betrayed her while the life drained from her sparkling green eyes. Why?_

 _"Cassian." She'd only said his name, reaching for him, and drawing him down to rest on top of her. She didn't speak. Didn't ask him to tell her about it, not that he would have. She'd only held him, fingers brushing through his hair comfortingly. After a few minutes he'd realized she was humming softly while she stroked his scalp and back, one hand gently rubbing over his shoulders._

 _It took a few minutes, but his breathing returned to normal, and he was relaxed once more. He inhaled deeply, brushing his lips against her neck in a silent thanks. She tightened her arms around him and kissed his forehead. It had been a long time, nearly a lifetime, since anyone had comforted him. He hadn't meant to escalate things, honestly he hadn't. But he'd kissed her, hoping she'd understand how grateful he was to her. She didn't judge him for his nightmares; she held him until he'd calmed and imbued her strength into him. He'd poured his feelings into that kiss, and she'd responded. She'd kissed him back eagerly, smiling at him when he pulled back to catch his breath. Shy and mischievous and tender, she'd smiled at him and reached for him again. He didn't pull back this time, remembering their conversation from days earlier._

 _Still, he was careful. Slow. He searched her face for any sign of discomfort or fear, but found none. She was quieter than he'd imagined, and he'd spent months imagining. Mostly silent but for the sound of her breathing and occasional quiet gasps that she couldn't contain. He loved those sounds; imprinted them on his memory to remember for eternity. A quiet gasp and his whispered name were the most beautiful noises he's ever heard._

He'd worshiped her that night as she clung to him. He memorized her skin with his fingertips, kissed every inch of her he could reach. Until then, he hoped she understood what he had trouble saying, but that night he'd had no issues finding words. Declarations of his love fell from his lips in Basic and Festian. Assurances to never leave her, to love her forever. He'd meant every word he'd said, and he finds himself remembering those utterances now as he beholds her standing before him. She is a vision, like always. Instead of dark hair mussed and spread about his pillow, it is neatly pinned back from her face. Ends brushing her shoulders in gentle curls. Her green eyes sparkle at him as the light show continues outside.

How he loves her, and how unlikely their love truly is. He wouldn't change a thing. Jyn moves to stand beside him, and he can see now how nervous she is. That fact makes him feel better, somehow, about his own anxiety. She's smiling more widely, free, and he grins back easily.

Jyn adores the way he smiles when he's truly happy. He has dimples that she didn't discover until after Scarif. Maybe she just hadn't been paying attention before then. She meets his gaze and his smile grows wider. The ceremony passes quickly. The monk chants, they take sips of wine, then their friends drape them in colorful ribbons. He bows to her as they repeat their vows, as he promises to love her forever in front of all these people. Her smile and her eyes light up the temple as she repeats the vows, thankfully in Basic for both of them. The monk chants again in a language Cassian ascertains to be a distant relative of Monbetsan. He's able to listen now that he's less nervous. Finally, he gets to kiss her. There are ribbons hanging from her hair now, and loosely connecting their joined hands, winding around the two of them. He understands the symbolism here, even if he couldn't make out the words.

The monk was looking at him now, waiting with a hand outstretched. Cassian snaps back to the present and remembers the small box in his pocket.

"Right. Uhh...here." He releases Jyn's hand for a brief moment, fighting the ribbons and extracting the item from his pocket.

The monk smiles at the groom's nerves, and opens the box to extract two rings. Cassian hadn't planned on rings. Jyn never seemed like the sort of woman who'd want one, but he doesn't miss the way her eyes widen momentarily at the sight. They're simple, and appear to be antiques. Cassian wonders if they belong to Kentaro and Hanako or if they purchased them recently from a dealer. They slide the rings onto each other's hands, and take more sips of wine, and get to kiss again. She tastes like wine and sweetness and Jyn, and Cassian feels intoxicated.

Kiwa, Mabion, and Honza unwind the ribbons from around the bride and groom's bodies, and tie their clasped hands together, leaving the rest of the ribbons trailing between the couple. They are swept down the aisle in a crowd of well-wishers, and out into the night. The sky is still alight, and Jyn gasps at the sight. She hadn't noticed the sky earlier because of her nerves. Turning to meet Cassian's gaze, she can't stop smiling. Reaching up on her toes, she's reminded of how much taller he is when she presses her lips to his cheek.

"I love you." She whispers, and Cassian grins back at her.

The crowd cheers and suddenly the couple find themselves bathed in colorful confetti as their guests pelt them with handfuls of bits of paper. A whooping sound erupts from the crowd as explosions go off overhead. Cassian looks up as he tightens his grip on his wife. Fireworks. Jyn presses her back against Cassian's chest as he loops his arms around her to watch the show. The colorful explosions are set against the backdrop of auroras and stars, and he can feel Jyn's gasp although he can't hear it over the deafening sound of cheers and explosions.

Kentaro moves up beside the couple with Hanako at his side, and Cassian recalls his mentor's words from earlier in the week. He doesn't like fireworks now, after serving in the Rebellion for so many years. Before it was organized more properly, before he was head of intelligence services, he'd been essentially an infantryman. Now, Kentaro mostly contains his flinches as he claps his adopted son on his shoulder and enjoys the spectacle.

"Is this for us?" Jyn pulls Cassian's head down so she can speak directly into his ear.

"I think it is." He murmurs, lips brushing against her skin as he speaks.

Jyn says nothing, but he can tell she wants to tell him something.

"What?" He asks between explosions. "What is it?"

She remains silent for a while until the show is finished, then turns in his arms and loops her hands around the back of his neck.

"My mother told me there were fireworks the day I was born. To celebrate." She looks wistful, and Cassian drops a few kisses to her forehead. "I guess it's tradition on Vallt when someone is born, even if they're born in a prison."

"Seems like an appropriate way to commemorate your birth." Cassian retorts, grateful for her existence in this galaxy.

Jyn just shrugs and presses herself close to him, whether for her benefit or his, he can't tell.

"Come this way." Hanako tugs on the newlywed's arms. "Don't keep your guests waiting."

Jyn meets Cassian's eyes with a questioning glance that he answers with a shrug. There's no telling what all the Hatakeyama's have planned, apparently. He grasps her hand in his and follows obediently. The meeting room at the temple complex is packed with their guests, and tables are overflowing with dishes of food and sweets. A sound system somewhere is piping in festive music that Cassian recognizes as Festian. Female guests immediately vie for Cassian's attention, attempting to distract him long enough to plant a kiss on his cheeks. Jyn is amused by his attempts to dodge the younger ladies while allowing the more elderly among them to succeed once in a while.

After half an hour of watching Cassian be chased around by guests, Mabion rises to his feet, winking at Jyn and Honza. He stalks toward his friend, who shoots him a grateful look.

"Thank you." Cassian mouths silently as Mabion approaches, then his eyes go wide with surprise. Mabion plants a kiss on Cassian's cheek with a wicked grin.

"Not you, too." Cassian groans while his friend laughs at him.

"I'm not here to upset your virtue." Mabion wraps an arm around Cassian's shoulders. "Just to open up the invitation to the rest of the guests."

"So now I'm dodging everyone?" He sounds exasperated as he rubs lipstick off his skin with the pad of his thumb.

"I'm here for you, buddy." Mabion laughs at him outright and heads back to the seats where the ladies are chatting.

Jyn, seeing her new husband finally alone, bids Honza farewell and heads straight across the room to rescue Cassian. In the amount of time it took Mabion to turn around and Jyn to get across the room, three older ladies, one teenage girl, and two older men make their way over to Cassian, making him blush an even brighter red.

"Bless you." He breaths as Jyn wraps her arms around his neck. He grasps her by the waist and pulls her to him with a smile. "You look beautiful." He tells her softly as he takes it all in.

To her credit, Jyn blushes almost as red as Cassian, and her gaze falters for a moment.

"You look very handsome." Her green eyes are sparkling as she smiles up at him, thinking her heart might burst from happiness?. This must be what her father wanted for her. This must be the peaceful life, the quiet happiness he spoke of in his message. How is it that she gets to be this happy? How does she deserve this man holding her so tenderly, who looks at her like she's the only important thing in his world?

"I don't suppose you can keep the dress?" Cassian teases her, knowing full well that it belongs to Kiwa. His Jyn didn't need to spend a single credit on their wedding day, happily making due with borrowed jewelry, a loaned dress, no decorations. It makes him love her even more knowing that she wouldn't want it any other way.

"I think she'll probably want it back." Jyn retorts cheekily, secretly pleased that he likes it this much. She knew this was the right choice the moment she saw it in Kiwa's bedroom. The silken fabric isn't terribly warm, however, and she suppresses a shiver.

"You're cold." Cassian observes, knowing her tells. "Do you want my jacket?" He runs his hands down her arms to grip her hands, finding them cool to the touch.

Jyn considers this for a moment, but declines. It looks so good on him.

"I have my coat in the speeder." He offers, knowing how much she loves to wear it.

Her smile is all the answer he needs. "Be right back."

"I'll come with you." Jyn doesn't let go of his hand. "I want to change shoes." The black dress shoes are pretty, but she can't feel her toes any longer. She'll have to pay Kiwa back the money for them next week.

Once Jyn's feet are covered in boots and warm socks once more, she slips Cassian's blue parka on over her dress. Cassian's throat squeezes uncomfortably at the sight of her clad in his garment here in public. As if the wedding wasn't evidence enough of their relationship, here she is being swallowed in his coat. The fur along the edge of the hood catches on the curls of her hair and makes her look a bit messy. A tad wild. Just like his Jyn.

"Did you eat, yet?" She asks him as they make their way back into the party. There is more food here than she can possibly imagine, and she can't fathom from where it came.

"Not yet." He was waiting for her. Waiting for their guests. He was too busy avoiding kisses and staring at Jyn as she talked easily with Honza and Kiwa. She looks so different today than she did months ago in the war room. A little shy, a tad embarrassed, but otherwise open and relaxed. Happy. Genuine. She's even more beautiful today than she was back then, mirth practically radiating from her pores.

"Have a seat." He whispers as they pass back by their closest friends. "I'll make you a plate."

"I can do it." Jyn protests and follows him to the tables overflowing with dishes.

They load up their plates with dishes of all sorts, and grab a glass of wine for each of them. Hanako and Kentaro have joined their table when they return with their meals.

"Who is responsible for this?" Cassian asks around a bite of something he can't name. "Where did the food come from?"

"Your guests." Hanako gestures to the crowd with one hand "The entire town celebrates when someone marries." She waves to the monk who performed the ceremony.

"They made the food?" Jyn is shocked. She'd never presumed that they'd have a party like this. The simple, intimate ceremony was more than she ever hoped for, and this...this was almost unreal. Total strangers turned out to help make their wedding day special, even on a week night. She smiles at the thought and shifts closer to Cassian, brushing his elbow with hers.

"Of course." Kiwa smiles, and Jyn knows her friend was also involved in this caper.

Jyn spies a middle aged woman heading straight toward Cassian, and moves to remedy the situation. She grabs his cheek with her hand and pulls his face against hers, kissing his cheek and stymieing the woman's attempts to kiss him.

"Thank you." He returns the favor and the gesture is met with a chorus of "awww" from around the table and the room. Apparently, that was the correct response, because the room erupts with applause. Jyn and Cassian both blush and duck their heads, neither comfortable with being the center of attention. Jyn is gripping Cassian's hand tightly, and he's desperately trying to dissolve into his chair.

Kentaro manages to corner Mabion and Cassian later, and doles out more helpful marriage advice. Hanako tries unsuccessfully to convince Jyn to remove Cassian's parka and uncover her lovely dress.

"I'll loan you a shawl." Kiwa adds, trying to be helpful.

"I'm fine." Jyn persists. Having his coat wrapped around her is like a security blanket in this crowd. It's like wearing a hug and feeling safe when all of these people are staring at her. Glancing around the room, she realizes that very few people are staring, actually. It makes her feel better, but she burrows more deeply into his coat nonetheless.

"It's time." Hanako pulls Jyn to her feet and drags her across the room toward their men. Kentaro sees them coming and directs Cassian toward his new wife.

"Go." He urges. "It's time."

"Time?" Cassian questions as Kentaro-san pushes him forward and hands the newlyweds a pair of embroidered bags.

Hanako and Kentaro join hands and lead the couple around the room while lively music plays in the background. Well wishers drop bright blue envelopes into the bags and extend congratulations to the happy couple. Jyn thinks she's never been hugged so much in her life by the time they make it all the way around the room.

"What's in the envelopes?" She peers into her bag, now bulging at the seams.

"Money." Hanako pats her hand and smiles. "For you two when you're just starting out."

"Money?" Jyn's eyes go wide as she considers the heft of the bag. She's sure she's never handled this much money in her lifetime. "But we don't need anything."

"It's tradition here." Kentaro smiles knowingly. Jyn has never struck him as someone who can accept charity. "You can read about it. It's what we do."

"But I don't even know these people." Jyn protests quietly. "Why would they give me money?"

Cassian wraps his arm around her, tugging her against him once more while Kentaro answers her question.

"It's about the community." He explains gently. "Weddings. Funerals. And everything in between. It's our tradition to come together and help each other out."

"But I..." Jyn starts, but Cassian finishes for her.

"We feel a little guilty accepting all of this from strangers." He elaborates. "We're not sure how to properly thank everyone."

Jyn just nods gratefully, thankful that he can read her mind. A lifetime with Saw taught her to be wary of the kindness of strangers. Everyone has an angle. Or she thought they did. Before Cassian. Before he edged his way into her life and showed her that so much of what she thought she knew about life was a lie.

"You don't thank them personally." Kiwa sidles up beside Cassian. "You just show up at the next event and bring food. And an envelope if it's a wedding."

Jyn nods thoughtfully as she considers this answer and looks around the room. She can do that. Well, Cassian can. She's not sure she can cook anything nice enough to bring to a celebration like this one. She might like living here, even if winter is nearly Hoth-like.

Before she can ponder the subject further, she's being dragged to the middle of the room by Kiwa to the cheers of the crowd.

"I need your coat." She holds out her hand expectantly.

"My what?"

"Coat." She's already removing the garment from the bride's shoulders. "Now stand here."

Hanako rushes to meet them in the center of the room. "Kiwa, no."

"It's tradition." The young woman faces off against Hanako, hands on her hips.

"We're not..."

"Will someone tell me what's going on?" Jyn moves between the ladies, and demands an explanation.

"They're going to toss dried berries at you." Kiwa smiles. "You catch them in your skirt. The number you catch is the number of children you two will have."

Hanako grabs Jyn's elbow and tries to steer her away from the center of the room, but Jyn holds fast.

"It's okay." She pats Hanako's hand and shrugs one shoulder at her.

"But..."

"Let's just do it. It's okay. It'll be a bigger deal if I refuse, right?" Jyn reasons. "It's tradition here, isn't it?"

"Okay then." The ladies step away, and Jyn grabs a handful of skirt with each hand, hoping the fruit won't stain her friend's dress.

Cassian catches her eye and shoots her an apologetic expression. She just smiles at him, that half smile that tells him she's planning to exact revenge on someone for this.

In the end, Jyn catches all but one berry, much to the excitement of the gathered crowd. There are cheers and applause as she makes her way back to Cassian, who immediately wraps her in his embrace.

"I'm sorry." Kentaro told him the meaning of the tradition, and he knows she might be sensitive about it.

"Maybe it's an omen or something, right?" Jyn murmurs into his shoulder.

"Maybe." Cassian reaches for the coat Kiwa is handing to him and wraps it back around Jyn's frame. "Want some wine?"

Her grin is all the answer he needs.

The party starts to wind down, and the guests begin to clean up the dishes. Jyn went back for a third helping of fruit only to find it gone. Almost everything was gone, in fact. Plates and platters scraped clean. She couldn't have imagined that much food could be consumed in one evening. Rather than fruit, she grabs another piece of cake for Cassian.

"You two should head out." Kiwa motions toward the door as Cassian finishes his cake.

"We should?" Jyn looks up, surprised. "Shouldn't we clean up?"

"No." Kentaro is gesturing for the couple to rise. "Come outside."

"And take off the coat." Hanako is already unzipping Cassian's parka and removing the garment from Jyn's shoulders. "You'll get this back at the speeder."

Jyn follows the older couple wordlessly, pausing for a moment to wait for Cassian to catch up.

"Any idea what's happening?" She whispers.

"Not a clue." He shrugs. "But most of this has been a surprise."

Jyn just smiles at him, wide and happy.

"Go." Hanako points outside.

Cassian leads Jyn out the door, and they are immediately pelted with flower petals. A few women try to get a few last pecks in before they make it to the speeder. Hanako keeps her promise and hands Jyn the parka once more after she's safely inside.

"Have a good night." She winks at Jyn, and Jyn feels her face flush again as her eyes go wide.

"Go here." Kentaro and Mabion hand Cassian a mobile map device. "It's programmed with your destination."

"I can find my way home, guys." Cassian rolls his eyes at his friends.

"You're not taking your new wife home." Mabion shoots a smile at Jyn. "She deserves something nicer, don't you think?"

She does. Cassian turns to meet Jyn's green eyes and smiles softly at her. She deserves everything.

"Have fun, kids." Mabion winks at them as Cassian heads off toward the location indicated on the device. He wraps his arm around his wife's waist, patting the spot over the baby inside. "Remember our wedding night?"

Honza just nods with a smile and presses a kiss to her husband's cheek.

* * *

 _A/N: Sorry for the delay. We've been crazy busy with work, quitting our jobs (which was harder than getting the jobs in the first place), and getting new jobs. I also spent a lot of time researching wedding traditions from around the globe, and trying to come up with traditions for this wedding. That was much more difficult than I'd imagined.  
_

 _Many thanks to you lovely people who are still reading. I never imagined I'd still be writing this in June when I typed up chapter 1 back in December. Thank you to my reviewers, too! Engeineerwenlock, TortoisetheStoryteller, gandalf537, Mademoiselle le Chat, Guest, strangelove9, Dida Mac, green-jedi, leafdom05, lindcita, Moniecat, Guest, Vilian, Loli-pop0394, 16KnightOwls, echo9821, and SilverArashi: you guys all made my day with your kind reviews! Thank you._

 _And a last minute thanks. I just received an anonymous review that let me know this story was reviewed and recommended on tvtropes. Admittedly, I had no idea what this was, but I looked it up, and it's really there. This quite literally made my day. I'm so excited I might go wake up my hubby just so I have someone to tell. Thank you to everyone!_

 _Also, 400 reviews. SERIOUSLY!? You guys are too kind to me. Thank you!_


	31. Chapter 31

Cassian opens his eyes slowly the next morning and can't begin to stifle the smile on his face. Jyn is next to him on the plush mattress, face down and wearing his shirt. She has one arm thrown across his midsection, and her hair is a wild mess spread across the pillow. The memory of the previous night soften the smile somewhat, and he can't help but reach out a hand to caress her face and brush the hair from her eyes. The wind must have blown a cloud from in front of one of the suns, because a bright light suddenly spreads across the room. Cassian glances about and takes in the well-furnished hotel room.

The position locator was programmed to take them to a well-appointed hotel. Their room was paid in full for two nights, with a note to meet in the dining area for a late breakfast the next day. Jyn became suddenly shy when they were left alone in the hotel room last night. Embarrassed, maybe? He'd busied himself with removing his shoes and hanging up his jacket to ease her tension. She was standing in front of him when he turned from the closet.

 _"Will you help?" Her green eyes were wide and full of mischief as she gestured over her shoulder._

 _"I'd love to." He murmured agreeably, voice low and husky as he pressed a kiss to her lips._

 _She turned around, and he only fumbled a little as he worked the small, cloth-covered buttons through the buttonholes. There really was no way she could do this herself, he realized, but he was gratified to complete the task for her. Every button exposed another bit of her skin - skin he now knew to be soft and smooth, scattered with a few scars that he'd mapped with his lips and his fingertips a few nights before. He dropped a kiss to her back at the base of her night as he continued unbuttoning._

 _"I love you, mi esposa." He murmured against her skin as he paused with his fingers hovering over her shoulder, ready to help her out of the dress._

Jyn shifts beside him, and Cassian drags his attention back to the present, back to his first full day as a married man. Jyn moans softly in her sleep as she rolls onto her side and pressed against him. She moves one bare leg between his, and he swallows with a gulp. Grabbing his chrono off the bedside table, he sees that they have almost one and a half standard hours before they're supposed to eat breakfast. He has a hunch that this will be a group affair, with Hanakosan and Kentarosan. Probably Honza and Mabion. Maybe Kiwa. He's pretty sure a getaway like this one isn't traditional on Fest, and he doesn't recall reading about this in the overview of Monbetsan wedding customs he skimmed. This must be all Kentaro and Hanako. He'll need a shower before he heads down to breakfast, and so will Jyn. The refresher has a lovely, old-fashioned bathtub, big enough for the two of them. He weighs the benefits of letting Jyn continue sleeping a bit longer against the possibility of enjoying the large bathtub. She looks so comfortable. Radiant.

The less evolved part of his brain growls "mine" when he looks at her. Jyn, he knows, cannot be owned or contained. She is just as much her own person today as she was three months ago. However, she has agreed, in front of their friends and new community, to stay with him forever, and that makes his chest squeeze in that way that has become familiar when it comes to Jyn.

Jyn startles awake when a knock on the door echoes through the quiet room.

"It's okay." He murmurs as he rubs her back soothingly with his hand.

Jyn doesn't respond verbally so much as she groans and buries her face in his chest. Another knock on the door, and Jyn's groan is louder this time. He can feel her eyes open as her eyelashes brush against his bare skin.

"Mr. Andor?" A disembodied voice carries through the door. "I have a package for a Mr. and Mrs. Andor."

"I'll get it." He tells Jyn quietly as he slides from under her. He ponders the wording as he pads across the room, shrugging on a yukata on as he goes, since he fell asleep in only his boxers. The voice on the other side of the door addressed them as Mr. and Mrs. Andor. Would Jyn want to take his name? She doesn't have to, he knows. She can choose to keep Erso. Or hyphenate, Erso-Andor. Or Andor-Erso. She has no other relatives, so she may wish to keep her father's name as a memory, a tribute of sorts, the same way he carries Andor with him. He's the last of his family. The end of the Andor line. That same, unevolved part of him that wants to call Jyn "his" wants her to carry his name in some way, although he's ashamed to admit it.

"Can I help you?" He asks as he opens the door.

"Package for you, Sir." The hotel employee hands him two bags. "Sign here, please."

Cassian signs on the pad for the bags, and thanks the young Bothan employee.

"What's that?" Jyn asks. She's sitting cross-legged on the bed when he turns, bare legs enticing him to run his fingertips down the length of them.

Cassian just hands her the note attached to one of the packages. Jyn reads the card silently, then quirks an eyebrow at him.

"It's our clothes." She deadpans, and he honestly can't tell if she's upset or not.

"It would seem so." He shrugs. It's just like Mabion to go through his things. After a lifetime of no privacy, this doesn't feel like an invasion to him, but he realizes that it might to Jyn. Mabion is his closest friend, almost a brother. He's welcome to rifle through any of Cassian's personal effects. "Are you upset?"

"Upset?" Jyn's brow crinkles quizzically. "Why?"

"Here." He hands her one of the bags. "There's a note on this one, too."

She takes the package and chuckles as she reads the enclosure. "Honza wants me to know that only she and Hanako saw my underwear."

"I've seen it." Cassian smirks at his wife.

"You're allowed." Jyn retorts, and wiggles a little in the bed so his shirt rides up higher on her hips.

"So you're not mad?" Cassian has to be sure.

"Why would I be mad?" Jyn flops back on the mattress, and shoves her bag of personal effects to the side. "I was wondering what I was going to wear today." It's not like she owns many things for people to search through, and she's never had any concept of privacy in her life. As a child with her parents she was too young to understand the idea. Later, with the Partisans, she was lucky to have a mattress to herself. After saw left her behind, she only worried about surviving. Privacy to Jyn only involved keeping her true identity secret. All of these people know her real name, so that doesn't really matter.

As enticing as the picture of Jyn reclined on the pillows and smiling is, Cassian has other ideas.

"There's a large bathtub in the refresher." He nods his head towards the door. "Can I interest you in a bath?"

Jyn levers up onto her elbows, head cocked at him. "A bath?" She's trying to remember the last time she took an honest-to-Force bath. Maybe back on Coruscant? Maybe never.

"Yeah. The two of us. I can make some...caf." He searches the room for the kettle. "Or tea." It might be too early for wine, although he has no plans of leaving the room today except for meals.

"Sure." Jyn sits up the rest of the way, and shrugs. "Why not?"

It's not the eager anticipation he'd expected, but he has plans.

* * *

Later, at breakfast with their friends, Jyn smiles and winks at Cassian. He makes a mental note to install a large tub in their house someday when they have their own dwelling. Kiwa elbows Jyn in the ribs when she catches the newlyweds making eyes at each other. Jyn just shrugs and smiles smugly at her friend, but Cassian feels a flush spreading up from his collar.

Mabion claps his friend on the back and congratulates him on joining the club of married men.

Kiwa's boyfriend arrives a few minutes after the rest of them are seated, and greets everyone warmly. Cassian glances around the table as the server droid hands out some sort of fruity alcoholic beverage. He's here at this table with his wife, his mentors, his closest friend and his wife, and Jyn's new friend and her boyfriend. Six people all came out on a Friday morning to spend time with Jyn and him. He hasn't felt like he had this much family since he was six years old. After twenty years of feeling nearly completely alone, his life has changed so much recently. He misses Kaytoo, and from time to time he still misses the Rebellion. The Rebellion gave him a sense of purpose and a place to belong when he had nothing and no one. It's the reason he met four of the people at this table. It also gave him most of the nightmares that keep him up, and the overriding sense of guilt that threatens to consume him some days. Jyn makes the things he's done easier to forget, though. She listens without judgement when he tells her what's eating him from the inside. She understands and doesn't look at him with disdain. The Partisans weren't exactly blameless, either, and Jyn participated in her share of battles, assassinations, and sabotage. And now he has someone to place his focus, to take his mind off what he sees as his moral crimes. He did it for the greater good of the galaxy, but it doesn't make things easier to live with.

The eight of them spend breakfast eating, joking, and laughing with each other. Jyn has never felt this connected to a group of people before. Even with Saw, she knew that she had to earn her place; prove her worth. Cassian brought her out here to the edge of the Outer Rim, he introduced her to his friends, who accepted her with open arms. She has a husband, and extended family - and she trusts that these people won't leave her if she ceases to be useful to them. She trusts _them_. Jyn is aware that she hasn't trusted but herself anyone in a very long time. Her childlike naivete allowed her to trust Saw, and that backfired. Somehow, though, she knows that this isn't the same mistake. She knows Cassian, even if she hadn't meant to, and he's a good judge of character. If he has confidence in these people, then she does, too. And Kiwa is her own friend who seems to want nothing from her except friendship. That in itself is a new experience for Jyn, as she is used to everyone having an angle, an agenda.

Breakfast is a delicious array of items from the buffet. Jyn is still getting used to the idea that food is so readily available that she doesn't need to ration. Cassian promised her on Seregar that he wouldn't let her go hungry, though. Even looking back before that night she recognizes that he has always ensured that she was well-fed. Before the trip to Jedha he had someone take her to the messhall so she could eat a "real" dinner. He handed her five different unopened ration packs to keep for the eighteen hour journey to the desert moon. After Scarif, when she started sleeping on his sofa on a regular basis, he'd leave out packs of rations, nutribars, protein cubes, and dehydrated food packs for her to consume whenever she wanted. He always brought fruit, snacks, or other goodies when he had time on his missions. Now that they live here, he cooks for her almost daily. She's certain that her trousers are feeling tighter, but it's so nice to not be hungry all the time that she's not sure she cares.

After they've all eaten more than they should have, the gang hangs out for a while longer sipping tea or coffee. They chat, and Cassian takes the opportunity to scoot his chair closer to Jyn's, and wrap his arm around her shoulders. She rests her head on his shoulder contentedly, and sighs. Hanako notices Jyn's eyelids slip closed, and smiles knowingly.

"It looks like you two didn't get much sleep last night." She nudges her husband, and nods toward the newly married couple. "Perhaps we should let you two go take a nap."

Mabion chuckles at the implication, and grabs Honza's hand. The group say their goodbyes, and the newlyweds head back up to their room. Cassian backs Jyn against the wall of the lift and kisses her soundly, framing her face with both hands as he stares into her bright green eyes. He has some ideas for what they can do with the rest of their day, but he is rather tired. Perhaps a nap will be nice. There is no one else he'd rather sleep next to, and after sleeping alone with one eye open for so many years, he's feeling better rested these days than he can remember.

Jyn is looking at him still when the lift doors open, eyes sparkling in the dim light of the enclosed space. He can't help but parallel their first ride together in a similar apparatus. He'd been in so much pain then, leaning heavily on her for support, and wishing against reason that he was going to have time to get to know this woman. She's here now, in the lift with him, following him out to their rented suite. He has time, and he decided months ago to not squander it. He's never wanted anything for himself before, always put the Rebellion first. Since meeting Jyn, he learned that he has a few hopes and desires that are just his own. He wants to get to know Jyn better, to spend his life with her, and to kiss her on lifts for eternity.

Her hand is tucked securely in his larger one as he waits for her to unlock the door to the suite.

"Nap?" He asks softly as he tucks a lock of brown hair behind her ear. "I am kind of tired."

"Sure." For so many years, Jyn's life was not conducive to sleeping well. She never had the luxury of sleeping well at night, and definitely couldn't take a nap during the day. She doesn't have to worry about that now, as she kicks off her boots and follows Cassian to the large bed in the center of the room. Cassian has stripped off his pants and shirt, and climbed under the warm blankets. Jyn follows suit, and joins him, snuggling into his open embrace with a sigh of contentment. She isn't naive enough to believe that everything would be this perfect forever, but for now she is determined to enjoy it.

* * *

A few weeks later, Cassian comes home from his first trip away after the wedding. He went to Corellia with a few other employees to install new security system upgrades into an existing system. Jyn and Kiwa perfected the long range listening device, and figured how to decrease the size of the technology to fit within the existing units. Cassian is so proud of Jyn and the hard work she's putting into this job. He's continued his tradition of bringing her small gifts from his travels. Now that he knows how much she loves fruit, he tries to bring things that look exotic or rare. He also makes a habit of bringing her scarves. She loved the first one he brought her, back before they were anything other than friends. Now she has four or five different colors in her collection made of various local fabrics from the disparate worlds he visits for work. He also brings back books. Jyn, he discovered, has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Watching her devour book after book in her off hours makes him wonder if he should broach the subject of university with her again. Surely she'll get bored eventually, and want to study something for real. They were both denied a formal education, and while Cassian isn't bothered by that fact, he worries that Jyn might be eventually. Her parents were both scientists, and she clearly has inherited their aptitudes.

He opens the door to their small home, and is transported to his childhood. Jyn has clearly found the cookbook on his datapad. He knows that aroma well.

"What's all this?" He asks as he drops a warm kiss to her lips, gesturing with his free hand to the table before him.

"I made you dinner." Jyn smiles brightly at him, excited that she's found this recipe. She's made two different pots of stew, one for each of them, but needed to substitute some of the vegetables. She spent quite a bit of time researching equivalencies, but fears there are too many differences for the dish to feel familiar to Cassian.

"I brought you something." Cassian grins at her, dimples making her knees weak.

"You don't need to bring me things." She protests predictably even as he hands her a heavy bag. "What is all of this?" She's smiling, though, and he knows she's not actually upset.

"Cassian, what is this?" She holds up a bag of brightly colored fruits.

"I have no idea, but the lady seemed very excited about them." He hadn't spoken any of the language the vendor was speaking. She clearly wasn't a native Corellian, possibly a migrant or a refugee. Maybe just a recent transplant. She'd let him try two of the fruits before he'd agreed to purchase two of everything. Now Jyn is carefully emptying the bag into a large bowl. "That one and...that one are delicious. She let me try some." He points to what he hopes are the fruits he'd sampled.

The bag still isn't empty, and Jyn extracts another scarf, jade green this time. It's the brightest color he's dared purchase her so far, and he kisses her forehead when she wraps it around her neck. Much like the shades of purple he found when they lived at Echo Base, she looks amazing in green. The fabric of this one is lightweight, as it was summer on Corellia. She won't be able to wear it for a few months, but he couldn't pass it up.

"Cassian, it's beautiful." She removes the item and folds it carefully and runs her fingers over the delicate fringe as Cassian hands her the last article in the bag.

"I found this for you." This is the part he's most excited about. "I thought you'd like it."

Jyn unwraps the package he hands her, and drops into the nearest chair. "Cassian, what did you do?" She gently runs her fingertips over the spine, the title. It's an old-fashioned tome, heavy and paper. _Anthology of Flora and Fauna of Lah'mu_.

He squats down in front of her, and grasps one of her hands in his. "I thought you might like it."

"I love it." She has actual tears in her eyes as she looks at him, watery smile radiant. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He kisses each of her cheeks, wishing he could give her the world.

This is the closest thing she has to a memento of home. She has no pictures, no holos. Nothing. Just a necklace from her mother and shattered memories of her childhood fracturing into bits. Cassian knows how she used to hike in the fields with her parents and identify plants, minerals, fossils. She told him about the hours she'd spend with her father in the mountains, poring over files of seeds and plants, trying to correctly name the leaves and flowers they'd found. He'd asked her if she had any interest in visiting the planet when she spoke of it so wistfully. She's still not sure she can go back.

"What did you make?" Cassian is willing to change the subject to happier matters, but he has the sinking feeling that this won't be happier for him.

"Root vegetable stew." Jyn declares proudly. "I found the recipe on your datapad. I couldn't find any batatas, so I had to use edo. And there aren't any neep here, so I had to use brovada. I hope it tastes okay."

Suddenly thankful for his intelligence training, Cassian smiles widely, making sure to crinkle his eyes in the process. Jyn knows his fake smile too well, and he doesn't want her to know.

"Let me get washed up." He steels himself in the mirror of the refresher. It's not Jyn's fault. She didn't know. He hasn't had Festian root vegetable stew since before his mother died. She was at the market buying ingredients for his favorite dish when she died, and he hasn't been able to eat it since. He can do this, though. For Jyn. He can do anything if it's for Jyn. There's a knot in the pit of his stomach as he exits the fresher and heads for the table. Jyn is ladling out thick stew into ceramic bowls. The scent transports him back to the small, warm kitchen of his childhood.

"This smells authentic." He praises. "Just how I remember it."

"I hope you like it." Jyn slides a loaf of crusty bread to him that she picked up at the local bakery that morning. Something feels off about Cassian; she knows it. "Is everything okay?"

"I'm just tired." Cassian assures her as he grabs a slice of bread and dips it into his stew. "Lots of travel." He was only gone for four days, but Corellia is nearly exactly twelve standard hours off from Monbetsu time. He didn't have time to adjust to the time difference. It's a fib, but one she might believe. Plus, it will spare her feelings. She clearly went out of her way to shop and make a meal for him that she thought he would enjoy. A glance around the room is frantic as he tries to find a subject to discuss other than him.

"What's the difference in the two pots?" There are two pots of stew on the stove, and the contents of Jyn's bowl looks slightly different than his.

"One with kyunigu, one without. I couldn't find the granvaca that the recipe called for." She hopes the flavor would be similar enough that he'd like it.

Cassian accepts her answer thoughtfully. "You don't like to eat meat." He observes carefully, remembering how she picks around the meat in many dishes now that they are living here on Monbetsu. She almost never makes dishes that include it in the recipe.

"My mother." She shrugs, and pauses, as if she's deciding whether or not to finish the thought. "She...she believed, you know? In the Force?" She finally grinds out, haltingly. "She said it wasn't right to kill another being for food if you have other options available to you."

Cassian watches as Jyn shares this bit of herself with him, and he takes a moment to reflect on how she went out of her way to make him a meal that is ultimately upsetting to her after losing her mother because she thought it would be what he would like. And that meal is upsetting to him for reasons that have everything to do with losing his mother. Force. They're both a mess.

"Jyn." He reaches for her hand, and waits, palm up and arm extended, for her to place her smaller hand in his. "Don't fix meat if you don't like it." Her thoughtfulness is touching, but he doesn't want to upset her. "Make what you like. I can eat vegetables." He thinks back to the meals he's made her, and grimaces. It's expensive, especially here, so he doesn't make it often, but if bantha and kyunigu and the like aren't what she likes, he can do without.

"You don't have to..." She begins, but he cuts her off.

"Of course I don't." He slides his chair closer and caresses her cheek. "But I want to." Looking back, she typically makes dishes that are made with vegetables. Eggs. Grains. Fruit. This must have been a stretch for her; outside her comfort zone.

"I ate whatever I had to. Whatever I could find to survive, you know? When I was with Saw. And after." Jyn is looking down at her food, and he squeezes her hand reassuringly. "But if I have choices..."

"Jyn, I understand." He tips her chin up with his index finger. "And it's fine. I'll finish this up, and then we'll just eat other things, okay?" It's not a sacrifice. Not really. The Rebellion could only afford actual meat on occasion, and it's usually so poorly cooked that he's lost the taste for it. "I don't mind."

She meets his eyes, finally, and he can't help but flatten his palm against her cheek. This meal is hard on both of them. He considers telling her about his aversion to root vegetable stew, but he doesn't want to seem ungrateful. She makes a good stew, in truth. It has good flavor; it's well-seasoned. It's slightly different from his mother's which is honestly a good thing. They finish their meals amiably, and wash the dishes together. Jyn curls up beside him on the sofa in her usual position against his side with a blanket covering them both.

"Is this new?" He motions to the blanket.

"Yeah." Jyn shrugs. "I got it with some of the wedding money. I hope that's okay."

"It's nice." He tugs her closer and presses his lips to her hair. "Thank you for dinner."

She rewards him with a wide smile. "I hope it was authentic. I had to substitute so many ingredients. It might have lost something."

"I liked it." He's being honest. It was inauthentic enough to not evoke too many memories of his mother's dish. "

"I'll get better." Jyn shrugs, eyes twinkling. "It was my first attempt."

"Can I try your version tomorrow?" He has a feeling that the all vegetable version might be less likely to remind him of that awful day.

"Okay." She snuggles into his side and opens her new book to the first chapter.

Cassian is mostly asleep, just starting to snore lightly when the security alarm sounds loudly, startling them both.

"I'll check it." He pushes Jyn upright and hurries to the kitchen to check the securicam. On the screen he sees a group of men with Kentarosan at the front.

He programs the door to open only a few centimeters, and makes eye contact with his mentor and friend.

"Cassian." Kentaro starts. "I'm sorry."

* * *

 _A/N: Sorry for the wait! Thanks and shouts out to the lovely souls who keep reading and reviewing. Thank you to Silver Arashi, Gray Wolf 84, Pint-sized She-bear, Ktarra, Amethyst's Heart, Flyingpancakes, engineerwenlock, Dida Mac, Vilian, MonieCat, TortoisetheStoryteller, Claire de Blanche, Mademoiselle le Chat, lindcita, Guest, gandalf537, Loli-pop0394, strangelove9, and Guest. You make are so kind._


	32. Chapter 32

_Note: adult subject matter ahead (not the nookie kind). Read at your own risk._

* * *

"What's wrong?" Cassian is immediately concerned. His overactive intelligence brain is running possibilities in tandem. He's known Kentaro for years. There is no possible way that he was a double agent all these years. Cassian has made some mistakes in his life, but he prides himself on being a good judge of character. He glances at the group assembled in front of his door. The primitive part of his brain is screaming at him to tell Jyn to run. Hide. Save herself. If he can be this wrong about a man he's known for so long, who knows what other sorts of characters he may have inadvertently introduced into her life. As if she hasn't had her fair share of jerks waltz into her life.

"There's been an accident outside of town." Kentaro tries his best to allay his young friend's fears. He's known Cassian for a long time, and he can practically read the emotions flitting across the young man's face like a book. "We need your help."

Cassian is suddenly all ears. Relief floods through him, and his shoulder sag. "What kind of accident? How can I help?" He's grabbing his blue parka, shoving his feet into his boots, and looking over his shoulder to make sure Jyn is listening.

"No. No." Kentaro pushes him back inside with a firm hand on his shoulder. "Not that kind of help. May we come in?"

Cassian looks around him, and finds no way to say no politely. "Um. Sure." He hangs his coat back up on the hook by the door and kicks his unlaced boots back off.

A small crowd assembles in the foyer of the Andor-Erso household, and Cassian backs up quickly to make room for the extra bodies. His sock-clad feet nearly slip on the clean floor. Somewhere it registers in his brain that Jyn must have scrubbed and waxed the floor while he was away.

"A small transport went down on the other side of town." Kentaro explains.

"That's terrible." Cassian's breath escapes him in a whoosh. "How can I help?" The possibilities are whirling around inside his head. He has training in rescue operations. He can aid a recovery effort. Jyn probably has the skills and strength to assist, too. She'd undoubtedly be useful here.

"That's not the kind of help we need from you, actually." Kentaro moves aside, and for the first time Cassian can see a young Caamasi man holding a bundle of cloth.

"What's this?" Cassian glances from the Caamasi to Kentaro.

"I'm sorry. I know you only just got back a few hours ago. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't a last resort."

"Ask what?"

"It was a small transport, only about ten people." Kentaro hedges, but the bundle the other man holds quickly answers the question for Cassian by emitting a high-pitched scream.

"This little guy was the only survivor." The Caamasi man tries in vain to comfort the screaming bundle.

"He's a little banged up." Kentaro pats the cloth affectionately. "And we wouldn't ask if there was anyone else we could trust. I know you must be tired, and you only just got married. But we need someone who can watch over this little guy for a few days."

Cassian is dimly aware of Jyn moving from the sofa to stand behind him. A glance at her shows pursed lips and a brow knitted together. Her expression is unreadable, though, and he isn't sure how to proceed. The noise the infant is making is growing to epic proportions, and Cassian starts to wonder how something so small could be so loud.

"It's not permanent." Kentaro assures the young couple. "Just until we can find the child's identity and locate a relative. Or find a place in one of the orphanages or a local family willing to take him in."

The wailing continues, and Cassian thinks he can hear his heart beat in his brain. He watches as the Cassmai man holding the child becomes increasingly flustered as his attempts to quiet the screaming fail.

Jyn is rocking from side to side next to him, and he spares a glance in her direction. He watches as her face goes from indecision and annoyance to steadfast.

"Give him to me." Jyn takes two steps forward and Cassian's eyes widen in surprise as she gently plucks the child from the man's arms. Something deep in his abdomen clenches at the way she gathers the child against her chest, gently bouncing up and down. She shushes the infant softly in his hear and rubs comforting circles on his small back. She rearranges the blankets, and for the first time Cassian can see a shock of dark curly hair. The crowd watches in amazement as the wails die down, and only hiccups remain. Cassian wonders if he's dreaming as Jyn tenderly presses her lips to the small one's head.

"Do you have anything for him?" Jyn's voice is soft and low as she sways back and forth gently.

"Oh. Here." The Caamasi man turns and grabs a small package from another man before handing it to Cassian.

"There's some dehydrated formula, a few bottles, and some diapers in there." Kentaro explains as Cassian takes the bag and slings it over his shoulder. "We didn't find much that survived the crash at the site." He'd never imagined that anyone could have survived when he was sifting through the wreckage a few hours ago. Smoldering bits of metal and fuel still made the area too warm to touch without heavy-duty gloves. He'd initially ignored the noises he heard; brushed it off as the sounds of burning metal contracting as it cooled in the night air. After a few more wails, he'd investigated more thoroughly, and found the infant wrapped in the arms of a woman who hadn't survived the crash. She'd wrapped her body around the child, cushioned the blow, and protected him from the flames with her person even as she perished. Kentaro had scooped up the child and rushed him to the local clinic. No broken bones, just a few scratches and bruises. They have him some oxygen and a few breathing treatments to help undo the damage to his lungs made by inhaling the smoke and fumes.

The crew manifest was found a few hours later, but there was no child listed on it. There also wasn't a woman who matched the description of the person holding the baby. Where did this child come from?

"Again, I'm sorry to bother you two." Kentaro is visibly relieved, and Cassian takes a moment to ponder whether it is the lack of screaming or the fact that Jyn appears to be willing to care for the baby. "We can't thank you enough."

"He has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow at ten." The Caamasi man tells Jyn. "Oh, and..." He rifles through his pockets for a moment and extracts a tube that he hands to Cassian. "This is for the cuts."

Cassian takes the item and reads the label. It's a common antibiotic and scar reducing ointment, basically just bacta in a tube.

"Do we need to take him anywhere after the doctor?" Jyn asks quietly, not wanting to disturb the sleeping bundle in her arms.

"No." Kentaro shakes his head gratefully. "Don't worry about work, either. It'll only be a few days, I promise."

"We'll be fine." Cassian assures his mentor, relieved that the evening turned out this way. So many worst case scenarios ran through his imagination when he heard Kentaro's words of apology at the door. Surely they can take care of one small baby for a few days.

"Thank you again, both of you." Kentaro shakes Cassian's hand and leans in and drops a kiss to Jyn's cheek before he turns to go. "And comm Hanako if you need any help." He encourages before leading the group back out into the night.

Cassian punches in the code to close and lock the front door, then turns to face his young wife. She looks so serene holding the young child against her chest.

"So we're really doing this?" He moves to Jyn's side to try to get a peek at the child's face.

"He has to stay somewhere safe." Jyn counters. "It's just for a few days."

She pauses for a moment, and then meets his eyes frantically. "Should we have talked about this first? I'm sorry. I just..."

Cassian silences her with a kiss, relishing the softness of her lips against his. "It's fine. I'm happy to help."

"I think he's asleep for good." Jyn smiles softly at the sleeping boy in her arms. "Can you help me find a place to put him down?"

Cassian's head whips around frantically as he realizes they are not equipped for a baby. "Is the bed okay?" He drops the bag to the kitchen counter and rummages through it looking for blankets.

"It's fine." Jyn walks slowly through the bedroom door and Cassian watches from the doorway as she gently bends down to place the infant on the mattress. Tender hands rearrange the bunting wrapped around him, and she reaches out a hand to caress his small head, ruffling his hair softly.

She buffets either side of the small child with a pillow, and quietly pads out of the room to join Cassian in the doorway. He wraps an arm around her waist and draws her close to him, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

"You're really good with him." He whispers, lips brushing her hair.

Jyn just shrugs as an answer and relaxes into his side. "He's just scared." She responds as she burrows into his warmth.

Cassian doesn't respond, but tucks away the image of her comforting the infant. "So we don't have to go into work tomorrow."

"I have to finish running the simulations on the new prototype with Kiwa tomorrow." Jyn tips her head up at him with a soft smile. "I have to go in."

"And I have to go in to return the supplies and write up the report." Cassian grins at her. "I guess we take him with us."

Jyn is silent and pensive for a moment at Cassian's words. He is on the edge of asking her if something is wrong when she speaks again.

"They didn't tell us his name." She exclaims with quiet alarm. "What do we call him? Baby?"

Cassian smiles at her, and presses his palm to the side of her face gently. "I'll comm Kentaro, and see if he knows his name."

"We don't know how old he is, either." Jyn reminds him.

"I'm betting they don't know for sure, but maybe the doctor had some ideas." Cassian eyes the tiny bundle sleeping on their bed. He doesn't have a wealth of experience with babies, but he can tell that this one is very young. Very new. Maybe only a few weeks old. He wonders if anyone will ever know for certain. He, at least, was six years old when his parents died. He knew his age, his full name, and his birthdate. This little one may never know anything of his family or heritage. Based on his appearances, he might be local. The dark curls. The smooth, ivory skin. Perfectly shaped, wide almond eyes. But he could be from anywhere, in truth. Jyn sounds and looks like she's from Coruscant, but she's a Vallti citizen.

"Were are we going to sleep?" Jyn turns and wraps her arms around her husband's waist, pressing her face into his shoulder and inhaling deeply.

"Let me see if we have something I can make into a bed for him. A box, maybe?"

"Okay." Jyn nods against his shoulder, relishing the warmth and comfort of Cassian's embrace. For so many years she assumed she'd never feel safe or loved again. The feeling of his arms around her is still new enough to make her heart flutter, but she thinks that she won't mind if it becomes familiar.

Cassian gives her one last squeeze before extricating himself to go look for a suitable crib substitute. Jyn is sitting in the kitchen area with a cup of tea when he returns with a box that used to contain their dishes.

"Will this fit?" He holds it up for her to inspect.

"I think so." Gratitude floods over her as she watches Cassian rummage through their towels and make a substitute mattress. How did she end up with such a kind man, she wonders?

"Are you sure you don't mind that I didn't ask you before I agreed to do this?"

"Jyn, he needs a safe place to stay for a few days. We have room, and he'll be safe with us. You did a good thing." He glances up from where he's carefully layering folded towels into the bottom of the box. He's not entirely certain that they're up to the challenge, but Jyn does seem to have a natural way with him.

"How did you know how to calm him down?" He has to know. Jyn told him she has no maternal instincts, but he has evidence to the contrary. He watches as she carefully lifts the sleeping infant from the bed and ever so gently puts him down in the box.

"I don't know what I'm doing." Jyn shrugs again. "Not really."

"You look like you have some experience with babies." Cassian presses after she's returned her seat at the kitchen table with her tea.

Jyn swallows the rest of her tea in one gulp, pushes to her feet, empties her mug in the sink, and gives it a quick rinse. She leans back against the counter and looks at her sock-covered feet for a moment. Cassian stills and waits. He knows her tells. She's about to tell him something about herself. Something important. Meaningful. He'll be patient.

"There weren't a lot of children with the Partisans, but sometimes..." She trails off, and Cassian understands what has been left unspoken. The Rebellion is the same way.

"There was a lady. A girl, really. Just a few years older than I was at the time." Jyn pauses and rubs her hand over her forehead, roughly pushing her bangs out of her eyes. "She was probably...oh...nineteen, maybe? She got pregnant, and she hid it."

Jyn's gaze is firmly in the direction of the floor, but Cassian knows she's not actually seeing it. She's somewhere else. A lifetime away from here, with him, in their small home on Monbetsu.

 _"Jyn, I need you to help me." Ndemah whispered harshly into the heavy darkness, but her words were bitten off abruptly by a stifled moan._

 _"What's going on?" Jyn blinked the sleep from her eyes and was too unfocused to match her friend's quiet tone. She was weary to the bone, had been awake for nearly three days straight before dozing off what felt like just moments ago. She pushed herself up onto one arm in her corner of the cave, and shook the pins and needles out of the arm she'd been using as a pillow._

 _"No questions. Just come with me." Ndemah was more authoritative than Jyn was used to hearing her sound. They weren't friends exactly, but they were friendly. Saw didn't allow friendships, especially not for Jyn. Attachment was distracting, and distractions got you killed. Jyn was a good soldier, though, and she sensed the urgency in the older girl's voice. She rose and silently followed the other woman through the maze of tunnels and corridors. They emerged into the humid darkness, and Jyn remembers gulping a deep breath of fresh air. The cave was damp and dusty. If you stayed down there for too long you started coughing. If you stayed much longer after that, you'd come down with a fever. It's the mold that flourishes in the damp, humid, sulfurous air. It's poisonous to most lifeforms, which keeps all but the heartiest insects and spiders out.  
_

 _The tunnel system was known to be dangerous, and the Imperials avoided it at all cost. That was Saw's plan, though, and the real reason he chose it. If the toxins permeating the air kept the Empire away, then it was better to feel a tad ill than to be caught by them. Jyn can still recall the smell of the air, thick and sulfurous, yellow dust visible in the beams of light from torches and lanterns. It coated everything, and made you feel weak. Made you feel out of your mind when the fevers hit. Jyn was surprised that Saw stayed after his first bout of fever. He was paranoid at baseline, and the fevers made it worse. Everyone got them, cyclically. Burning and thrashing. Convulsing and writhing with cramping pains. Then the fevers broke, and you were left with the weakness and nausea. Jyn avoided the caves at all cost. She volunteered for watch. Volunteered for missions. For excursions. She'd do espionage, reconnaissance. Anything to avoid being in the caves and feeling so sick._

 _The night air was still thick and stiflingly hot, but it was fresh. Ndemah was still moving, climbing a hill awkwardly, and scampering up rocks. Jyn hadn't noticed before just how awkward the girl was when she moved. Unsteady. Off balance._

 _"Jyn." She breathed heavily, leaning both hands onto a boulder halfway up the hill. "Help me."_

 _"Help you what?" She'd been so innocent then._

 _"You can't tell?" Another moan, and Ndemah fell to her knees._

 _"Get up. What are you doing?" Annoyance laced every syllable as she grabbed the older girl under the armpit and hauled her to her feet._

 _"Jyn..." Too out of breath to finish the though. "Owwww."_

 _"What?" She demanded. "What do you want me to do? What's wrong with you?"_

 _"I'm in labor." The end of the sentence trailed upward in tone, her fear tangible in the space between them. "I can't do it alone."_

 _Jyn just stared at Ndemah for a moment then, her bright eyes shining in the darkness, body nearly swallowed in the night. "Labor." She repeated. "Like with a baby."_

 _"Yes." She shrieked out the last word, clamping her hand over her mouth and looking all around anxiously for anyone who may have overheard. "Help me." She pointed to the top of the hill. "I need to be further away from the caves."_

 _"Fine." Jyn resolved, and half carried the trembling girl the remainder of the trail up the hill._

 _"There." Ndemah pointed to a row of trees, some sort of palm by the looks of it. "That's good."_

 _Jyn led her to the trees and grabbed a few large leaves to form a makeshift bed on the ground below. Moss covered every millimeter of soil, so at least it was cushioned. She helped the girl lay down on her back and snapped "Hush" at her when she groaned loudly. She knew what Saw did to pregnant women. Ndemah would be left here. Alone. But this was a mistake. She had no idea how to birth a baby. Doctors. Midwives. Nurses. Those were the people Ndemah needed. Not her. Never her._

 _"I have to...owww." She shoved her bent index finger sideways into her mouth to bite down on it as the wave of pain passed over her. "Help me get these off." She motioned to her trousers, and Jyn's eyes went wide. "I can't do this with them on!" The pained young woman rasped with exasperation._

 _Jyn quickly complied, and tried to help her friend, but her mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts and ideas as she tried to find a way out of this._

 _"Just let me get Saw." She whispered, knowing it was a bad idea. "He'll help you. He'll know what to do."_

 _"No!" Ndemah gripped Jyn's forearm through the pain, and they both winced. "He can't know. He can never know. Promise me, Jyn! Promise me!"_

 _"He's going to..." Jyn trailed off as understanding washed over her. Ndemah wasn't going to take a baby back to the caves._

 _"Fine." She nodded, and knelt in the damp moss. "Tell me what to do."_

 _Ndemah handed her a cloth. "We can't use a lamp. They'll see us." Jyn nodded back. "Tell me if you can see the head. Or feet. Or anything."_

 _Her heard felt like it would beat a hole through her rib cage, as she glanced, wide-eyed to see if there was a head. "Um. Maybe a head. Hair, I think? It's too dark." This wasn't a good spot, at all. They should have gone further into the jungle. The foliage was dense enough that if they'd headed into the woods rather than up this hill, they could have lit the lantern. Now they'd just be broadcasting their location if they did. Even one of the empty antechambers deep inside the caves would be preferable to this.  
_

 _"Feel for it." Ndemah instructed. "Is it a head?"_

 _Never one to be squeamish, Jyn suddenly felt ice cold drip down her spine at the thought. Still, she persisted, and reached out a hand even as her friend bit back another moan and drew her knees to her shoulders._

 _"Kriff." Jyn breathed. Even in the dim light of the moons, she could see what was happening. "It's moving!"_

 _"Grab the head." Ndemah ground out through another low, quiet moan. "Turn it sideways if you can. The shoulders are next."_

 _Jyn didn't need a medical degree to know that the shoulders would be more difficult. She grasped the slippery head and turned it ninety degrees as instructed._

 _"Jyn." Ndemah panted. "I can't. I can't do it. It hurts."_

 _"Quiet." Jyn ordered. "And push."_

 _She waited until the next wave of searing pain, and pushed with all her might. Try as she may, she couldn't remain silent through the intense pain._

 _"Be quiet." Jyn commanded, irritated that she was the one who had to do this. She didn't get pregnant. She shouldn't have to be the one to deliver this baby in the jungle on...Force knows what planet this even is. Moon, she corrected herself. It's a moon. Not even a planet. Just a toxic, jungle-covered bit of rock._

 _There was no progress with the last contraction, and Jyn's agitation only increased._

 _"Push harder." She demanded the next time Ndemah's features contorted in pain. "Get it out."_

 _Ndemah groaned quietly and breathed broken pants of air through her clenched teeth as she bore down with everything she had left. The research she'd found said this could take hours. She'd suffered in silence in the cave as her contractions rocked through her all day and night long. Surely, this part wouldn't be hours, too? She was exhausted before this part even started. She'd barely had the energy to get up off the muddy floor of the cave and grab Jyn to hike up here. But she didn't want her baby to be born in a toxic cave. She worried about spending the last weeks of her pregnancy there; would it affect the child? Would he be ill? Small? Premature? It didn't matter, in the end. Regardless of what happened next, it should be born somewhere nice. Somewhere beautiful. If only...  
_

 _Jyn frowned as she pulled one shoulder and then the other free. The baby was slippery, and she was grateful to be near the ground. "Hang on." Jyn advised. "A little more."_

 _One more push, a shuddered breath, and Jyn was staring down at a newborn baby, small and wrinkled and covered in blood and what looked like phlegm._

 _"It's not crying." Even Jyn knew a baby was supposed to cry. She picked up the infant, and turned it onto it's stomach, patting the back gently between the shoulder blades._

 _"Stop that!" Ndemah cried at a whisper._

 _"It's supposed to help it breathe." Jyn shot back, and continued. She noticed it was still attached to the mother, though. "The...hose...is still." She indicated to the umbilical cord as she passed the baby off to it's mother._

 _"Tie it." She handed her a dirty string, frayed at the ends and at various points along the length of it. "Close to the baby."_

 _Jyn grabbed the string and complied as instructed, and handed the baby up to Ndemah's waiting hands._

 _"Cut it." Ndemah whispered as she held her baby awkwardly at a distance._

 _Jyn removed her vibroblade, and sliced through the rubbery tissue._

 _"Is that it?" She was thoroughly disgusted, and terrified that Saw would find out she'd participated in this._

 _"No. Placenta." Ndemah placed the baby on the palm fronds beside her. "I have to deliver the placenta. Then I'll take care of..." She gestured to the squirming infant, who seemed to know that no sounds could be made even on the night of it's birth into this world.  
_

 _"No." Jyn spat out. "I'll do that. Can you do the placenta? Do you need me for that?"  
_

 _"Yes. I mean no. I'm okay. Go." Ndemah relaxed in relief. "Thank you, Jyn." She paused and turned her head to look toward the nearest moon. "There's a stream back through there." She pointed to her right. "Just...you know. Get rid of it."_

 _Jyn swallowed, and grabbed the child, holding it awkwardly until she was out of sight._

She stopped talking then, and swallowed, glancing behind her at the sleeping child in a box on their bed.

"Did you?" Cassian doesn't want to ask. He's not sure he wants to know. He's done terrible things, he knows. Children have died because of him. He's planted bombs. Sabotaged factories, ships, ventilation systems. There could have been children in those buildings. This isn't different. He repeats that to himself.

"I thought about it." Her face is pained, twisted in the memory.

 _As soon as she was out of sight, Jyn dropped to her knees again, trousers already soaked with dew and blood. She wrapped the child as well as she can with the cloth Ndemah handed her. In the moonlight, she could see it was a boy. A little boy. He wailed quietly, and Jyn cradled him to her chest, shushing him. If someone heard them, she'd be doomed. He'd cast her out for being associated with this. He'd leave the child behind to starve. Or worse..._

 _Jyn shook her head, and looked down at her clothes. She'd have to clean up before she heads back to the caves. The stream was up ahead. She could hear it. They made their way carefully to the stream, and Jyn was near beside herself trying to quiet the child. She knows he must be hungry. And cold. And scared. She was all of those things, and she knew exactly what's going on. Funny, she remembers thinking to herself, how she could feel so cold on such a hot and humid night._

 _She made a bed for the baby on the banks of the stream, kicked off her boots, and waded into the warm water. The blood in her clothes made the water run red as she shucked off her trousers and tried to scrub the stains from them. Her shirt got the same treatment. She carefully made her way over to the bank, and reached for the baby when her foot slipped on a rock. She fell with a splash, and banged her knee on the bottom, slicing open the skin over the joint. She reached out again once she was upright and carefully grabbed the little boy, making sure to support his little head. With her shirt in her hand, she carefully knelt in the water. Gently, she cleaned the blood and tissue off the child's skin. He was so beautiful. Perfect skin, beautiful and smooth like ebony. A smattering of soft curls, and wide eyes. He was still quiet, even now, gazing up at Jyn as she cleaned him off._

 _"Baby." Jyn whispered once she completed bathing him. "I'm sorry."_

 _But she couldn't do it. She just couldn't. He was there, and he was quiet and breathing. And he was perfect. Small, maybe, but what did Jyn know about how big babies should be?_

 _"Come on." She wrapped him in the cloth once more, and placed him back down on the moss to shrug on her damp shirt._

 _"Come on. And keep quiet." She instructed the newborn, who wasn't moving as much as he was earlier, and she hurried back down far side of the hill. There was a small town nearby._

"I left him there." Jyn murmurs. "Just handed him to the first woman I saw, and ran away. I told her I found him."

"I couldn't drown him, Cassian. I know his life might not be better off, but I couldn't kill him!"

Cassian knows she's never told anyone this story. She wouldn't. She promised Ndemah that she'd keep her secret, and if he knows Jyn, shame burns even brighter. But it makes her actions tonight make so much more sense.

"He was beautiful." There are tears in her eyes, and Cassian crosses the room and wraps his arms around his wife. "I couldn't...I couldn't..."

She's unable to speak now, and the comfort of Cassian's embrace makes the rest of her barriers crumble. "He deserved to live." She finally gasps.

"You did the right thing." Cassian murmurs into her ear, rocking her back and forth slowly. Of course she'll protect this baby, he thinks. She feels like she failed the last one.

"Jyn, you gave him a chance." He knows what moon she was on, though, and he knows that his words aren't technically accurate. "You got him to civilization, and you handed him to an adult that could find him medical care." Kriffing hell. She'd been a child herself, tasked with such a terrible job.

"He found out." Jyn grumbles bitterly against his neck.

"Who? Saw?"

"Yeah." She hiccups, and pulls back to wipe her eyes. "Ndemah was bleeding. She couldn't walk right. Her fevers weren't the typical every nine hours. They were constant. He knew. He kicked her out. She...she was screaming that she'd gotten rid of it as his goons tossed her out. She didn't squeal on me, though. She never said a word. I never told her he was alive, though. I should have told her." Looking back, she thinks she should have encouraged Ndemah to take her baby and run as far away from the Partisans as she could get. People left all the time. No one would have come looking for her. But Jyn knew why she didn't, and she knew why Ndemah wouldn't have gone, anyway. Her parents and grandparents were executed by the Empire. Groups of Stormtroopers rounded them up and shot them. She and her two siblings got away, and joined the Partisans. The fire and anger burned inside of her as deep as it did in Jyn at that time.

"I don't blame her, you know." Jyn's shaking her head now, pushed away from Cassian and pacing the living space. "She couldn't continue to fight, to avenge her family with a baby. Saw wouldn't allow it. And she had to fight. She was good. She'd be separated from her siblings - two younger brothers. She had to protect them. A baby would have ruined that. But I...I just..."

"You protect those that can't protect themselves." Cassian remembers Jyn dashing into a firefight to save a young child on Jedha. Her actions here don't surprise him one bit.

"I'm not sure I did very well that night." Jyn recalls the terror she felt when she heaved the small infant into the woman's arms in town. What if he wasn't safe? What if they didn't care for him well? It would be her fault. She should have scouted for the perfect person to hand him to. Maybe a nurse or doctor leaving the clinic. A nanny or nurse droid. A grandmother.

"How old were you?" Cassian is fairly certain he doesn't want to know the answer, but he has to ask.

"Fourteen, I think."

Fourteen. That's the age children have to decide between life or death. That's the age Jyn was tasked with drowning a newborn infant so that the mother could continue having a place in the Partisans where she could call home.

"Did Ndemah's brothers go with her?" It's been bugging him.

"She told them to stay." Jyn buries her face in Cassian's chest, and inhales the comforting scent of his body wash, laundry detergent, and him. "She wanted them to have people who would look after them. Feed them. Give them a place to sleep at night."

From what Jyn has told Cassian, the Partisans didn't do much of any of that, but he understands nonetheless. Being part of a group is better than being on your own in this messed up galaxy. Perhaps they're all alive and well. Ndemah. The baby. Her little brothers. Maybe they're all safe and happy. Separated, but alive. He recalls the memory of Jyn consoling the baby that's asleep in the box crib he made it in their bedroom, and he knows. He just knows.

* * *

 _A/N: Please don't burn me at the stake. And don't hate on Ndemah. I didn't want to write her as a villian. Just a kid stuck in a horrible galaxy who had to make a horrible choice._

 _But thank you to everyone who keeps reading. And come on, guys! Would I harm my two fav characters ever?_

 _This was going to be the last chapter, but Jyn's memory got away from me._

 _Why don't I ever see the spelling mistakes in the dozen times I edit and reread it, but suddenly they're so obvious as soon as it's posted?_

 _I was in too much of a rush to thank everyone who has reviewed in public reviews or PMs. Thanks go Christmas95, Vilian, TortoisetheStoryteller, 16KnightOwls, Moniecat, lindcita, Guest, Mademoiselle le Chat, Gandalf537, GrayWolf84, Claire de Blanche, Loli-pop0394, and Silver Arashi. I truly appreciate the time you take to say nice things to me. You're all very kind._


	33. Chapter 33

Cassian rises the next morning before the chrono on his wrist alerts him to the time of day. Years of working as an intelligence officer trained him to need very little sleep. Sometimes he thinks that it's not that he needs little sleep, but that his body is so used to being weary that it wouldn't recognize the feeling of being well rested even if he did have the opportunity to rest for a decade. He reaches an arm over to Jyn's side of the bed only to find it empty. She still sleeps lightly, with one hand touching him; gripping his arm, holding his hand, resting over his heart. If he curls around her, which he usually does, then she grips one of his hands and holds it to her own heart.

But this morning she is gone, and the sheets are cool. He remembers the evening suddenly, and recalls Kentaro bringing them the baby. The baby. Jyn.

Cassian quickly rises and pads into the main room of their cozy, rented cabin, but he stops in his tracks at the sight on the sofa. Jyn is fast asleep sitting up. Her legs are bent and crossed on the cushion, pillows piled on her lap. Her eyes are closed, and her dark hair fans out around her head like a halo. She has the baby in her arms, held closely against her, his small head cushioned on her chest. They're both snoozing, and the sight makes Cassian's heart twinge a little. She is so good with him, in spite of her protestations that she doesn't know what she's doing. She may have little to no experience with children, but she's clearly a natural.

The little tyke must have cried in the night, but Cassian didn't hear him. He feels guilty now that he slept through the ruckus and left him to Jyn to care for. He needs some hot caf, and he knows Jyn will want some, too, so he strides quietly to the kitchen. Maybe he can make her breakfast without waking them. Unfortunately, he doesn't get further than brewing the caf before he accidentally drops a metal spoon into a glass bowl while he's mixing ingredients for porridge.

Jyn wakes quickly, unsuccessfully shushing the baby back to slumber while Cassian stands frozen and terrified, mouthing a silent apology for waking them. The child's wails make clear his intention of remaining awake, and Jyn smiles a little as she holds him close before her nose wrinkles. She meets Cassian's eyes with a shrug.

"He needs a fresh diaper." She explains, as she tries to get off the sofa with pillows on her lap and a baby in her arms.

"Here." Arms are held out before Cassian takes a moment to realize that he's never held a baby. "Let me help."

Jyn stills and nods, and instructs him above the wailing. "Careful. Hold his head steady."

Cassian feels like a clumsy giant as he holds the tiny child in his arms. Jyn shoves the pillows aside and jumps to her feet.

"I changed him over here earlier." She indicates a small towel spread out on the floor. That diaper change didn't go well. Jyn had never cared for a newborn before, and she discovered that there were logistical issues she had not considered when changing the diaper of a baby boy. She had to find a clean towel, give him a bath, and change his outfit after urine when everywhere. She tried hard not to think of the first baby she'd ever bathed. This was only a slightly better experience, though, as the tiny baby had likely just lost his mother and she had no idea what to call him.

This baby is safe, though, she repeated to herself again and again. She is the adult that was asked to keep this baby safe, and she will do it. He will be well cared for with her. This baby will not be in danger. After she changed him, bathed him, and fed him a bottle, she sat up with the child in her arms and her data pad in one hand reading about how to care for a baby. She still worries about the first little boy. He'll be about seven standard years old now, if he's still alive. He should be in school. Maybe in a sports club or learning to play a musical instrument. Maybe he likes animals or playing outside or reading. Today she refuses to allow herself to dwell on the other possibilities. There's a different baby that needs her help today. She's stable, now. She's an adult. She's safe. Married.

She's married. Jyn tips her chin up to look at Cassian as he tries bumblingly to calm the small child. How is she married? How is it that after so many years of fighting to survive she is safe and loved in this little home? The depth of her affection for Cassian overwhelms her sometimes, and she knows she isn't the best at showing him how she feels. The words still feel foreign on her tongue, but she's more comfortable telling him that she loves him. She does, though. She loves him. Thinking back, it feels possible that she's loved him for months. Maybe since Scarif - or right before it. She'd been angry with him; his betrayal still stung. He'd gone up to that outcropping on Eadu with his sniper rifle to assassinate her father. But, like he said, he didn't do it. He tried to call off the strike - a fact she verified for herself in a meeting with Senator Mothma. He'd saved her life, protected her from the Troopers when she'd been so distraught with grief that she couldn't do it herself. He'd believed in her; rallied troops to her cause. He'd helped her carry out her father's dying wish, then he'd dragged his broken body up the data tower once more to save her life once more.

The one truth that Jyn has learned in the last few months is that Cassian has her back. He looks out for her, cares for her like no one ever has. And how he's trying to care for a small baby because Jyn agreed without asking him.

"Give him here." She holds out her hands.

"No, tell me what to do." Cassian is kneeling by the towel and gently laying the little one down.

Jyn coaches him through the diaper change, and Cassian can't help but feel accomplished as he refastens the outfit. Jyn shows him the article on how to bundle a baby in a blanket from her datapad, and mission accomplished, he lifts the child back up to nestle him against his chest.

"Why is he still crying?" Cassian is a little exasperated. He thought the diaper change would fix things.

"Probably hungry. I fed him four hours ago."

"I'm sorry I didn't hear you guys get up." He kisses her forehead, and tries bouncing up and down gently like Jyn did last night.

'I'll get a bottle ready." She heads to the kitchen, and Cassian watches as she expertly measures out dehydrated formula and warms water in the tea kettle. She seems so...relaxed...natural...moving around the space and readying the drink for the baby. When she's satisfied with the water temperature, and the bottle is ready, she heads back to where Cassian is standing.

"Here." She hands him the bottle.

Cassian takes it, but he can't figure out how to do it. He's never felt like he needed another arm more strongly.

"Give him here." Jyn takes the baby from him and sits at the kitchen table. After arranging him in her arms, she reaches for the bottle. They are almost instantly enveloped in silence except for the contented, sucking sounds of an infant taking a bottle.

"Sorry." He rubs the back of his neck and makes an apologetic face. "I'll get better." He takes note of how Jyn is doing this, and he can't help but wonder why she thinks she'd be a terrible mother. She's looking down at the child in her arms so tenderly. Cassian takes the opportunity to really look at the baby now that he's quiet. Other than the dark curls he'd noticed the night before, and the basic arrangement of his features, he hadn't really noticed what he looked like. Chubby cheeks, and a finely sculpted little nose. His big, brown eyes are wide, and staring back at Jyn as she watches him eat.

"It's not hard once you get the hang of it." Jyn whispers. "I had to read how to do it last night, though."

Cassian accepts her explanation with a nod and a smile, and moves to pour the caf.

"Do you want breakfast?" He can make them some food while she feeds the little one.

* * *

Later that morning at the doctor, Cassian is full of questions. He peppers the woman with inquiries about the baby's presumed age, whether or not he's healthy, will that scratch on his forehead scar?

The patient doctor smiles at Cassian and answers his questions carefully.

"I'd say he's probably between two and three weeks old, based on size and weight. He was probably a full term baby, and no, I don't think it will scar. His lung capacity doesn't seem affected by the smoke and fumes from the crash. He'll get a few more breathing treatments over the next few days, and then he'll be as good as new."

"Is he okay?" Jyn repeats Cassian's concern.

"He seems like he's doing just fine." She pats the baby's belly and smiles at the concerned caregivers. "You're doing a good job."

"But..." Jyn trails off and meets Cassian's eyes.

"I'm sorry." He wraps an arm around Jyn's shoulders and pulls her against him. "We've never cared for a baby before. We're not sure what we're doing."

"Well, he's fed, he's clean, and his has a fresh diaper." The doctor finishes her exam, and motions to the nurse to start the breathing treatment. "I'd say you're nailing it. Those are the basics, and you both seem to care about him. That's really all a baby needs."

Jyn is skeptical, and Cassian can tell in the way the air leaves her body in a silent snort. He wonders if she'll ever believe anyone when they compliment her. Did Saw's upbringing and subsequent abandonment damage her psyche so permanently that she'll never see herself as he sees her; strong, smart, caring, and competent. He squeezes her shoulder, and bends his neck down to kiss her temple.

"Have you heard anything about his family?" Jyn remembers that Kentaro said there was no mention of him on the flight manifest.

"I have not, but I did reach out to my colleagues at clinics across the planet to see if anyone delivered a baby of his description in the last few weeks." She knows it's a long shot, but it's worth the attempt. It doesn't cover the possibility that he was born off-world or at home, but she has to try. But, asking doctors on Monbetsu if anyone delivered a baby boy with Monbetsan features is a bit more than a long-shot. Even in the midst of war, families continue to have babies. She has contacts at the local constables office here. Perhaps they can cross reference the families who've had baby boys recently with a list of missing persons? But honestly, he could be from anywhere.

* * *

"Oh, Force." Kiwa exclaims excitedly as Jyn strides into the lab. "What did you do?" She's beside Jyn in an instant, peering at the bundle in her arms.

"The crash last night." Jyn breaths, tired from not sleeping last night. "Kentarosan said this little guy survived, and asked us to watch him until they locate his family."

"I heard about that." Kiwa is making faces at the baby and carefully outlining his soft cheeks with the pad of her index finger. "He's really cute."

"He's quiet for now." Jyn smiles crookedly. "But you should hear the lungs on this one."

Kiwa smiles knowingly, and reaches for him. "Here. Let me have him, and you take your coat off and get ready."

Jyn hands over the bundle, and shrugs out of her coat. It's almost too warm outside to really need the coat. She probably could have made do with her jacket, but she was being cautious.

"Do you have a keikifuku?" She asks as she coos over the little boy.

"A what?" Jyn's eyes widen as she searches the reaches of her memory for that particular word.

"It's a big piece of cloth that you wind around you so that it holds the baby." Kiwa tries to find a better way to explain it. "My mom probably still has one. I'll ask if you can borrow it, and bring it over." Her youngest brother is only four. It's probably still in the house somewhere.

"How do you know how to wind it?" Jyn's brow is a knitted mess of concern.

"I'll show you."

The ladies somehow manage to run the simulation tests while alternating who holds the infant. Kiwa has experience caring for babies, and she teaches Jyn about how to care for him more assuredly. Kentaro stops by to check their progress, and he takes a turn holding the baby, and promises that Hanako will be along shortly.

* * *

"You have to call him something." Kiwa whispers as the ladies watch him sleep in a nest made of their coats. "Just a nickname or something. You're really just calling him "baby"?"

Jyn just shrugs. "I don't want to confuse him. He probably has a name."

"He's a baby, Jyn." Kiwa scoffs and rolls her eyes. "He's not confused about anything. He just wants to eat and sleep."

"I don't know how to name a baby." Jyn mutters and kicks at the stool with the toe of her boot.

"Just a little name. A nickname. Nothing formal or permanent." Kiwa is giving her that look again - the one that says she thinks Jyn may have crawled out from under a rock recently. If only she knew how true that is. "Didn't you ever have a nickname?"

Jyn's breath catches in her throat as she remembers. She remembers.

 _"Don't ever change, Stardust."_

 _"I love you, Stardust."_

 _"I'll always protect you."_

She isn't ready to share that with Kiwa. Cassian knows, and that was difficult enough. She told him one night when she woke from a terrible dream. She'd been afraid that he'd judge her; find her somehow less than the person she thinks he imagines her to be. Instead he'd kissed her forehead and listened quietly while he rubbed comforting circles on her back. He'd murmured quiet words of assurance into her ear, and promised that her father had loved her. He had tried to protect her. And he'd promised that he, Cassian, also hoped she'd never change.

Instead, she just shrugs.

Kiwa blows out a sharp exhale and huffs "Fine. Then I'll give him a nickname."

Jyn shrugs and agrees. "Okay. What is it?"

"I'm thinking." Kiwa is staring at the angelic face sleeping in the pile of coats. "I'll let you know when I have the perfect one."

"It doesn't have to be perfect." Jyn protests.

"It's a nickname. It might stick with him for years. Maybe forever."

"It's only for a few days." Jyn shakes her head at her friend's flare for the dramatic. "He's going back to his family as soon as they're found."

"Uh huh." Kiwa is looking at her again like she knows something. Jyn hates it when Kiwa does that.

* * *

They're eating lunch when Kiwa suddenly blurts out loudly. "Squirt!"

Cassian and Jyn just stare at her, Cassian's hand paused with the bottle partway to the baby's mouth.

"Huh?"

"Call him Squirt." Kiwa winks at Cassian. "Because he's just a little squirt."

Jyn shrugs at makes a face at Cassian. "We've got to call him something. That works."

"Sure." Cassian looks down at the squirming bundle in his arms. "Are you hungry, Squirt?" The bottle completes it's way to the the baby's mouth, and he eagerly latches on and starts drinking. "I guess you are."

"Let me ask my mom for some of my brother's baby clothes while I'm home tonight." Kiwa smiles at her friends. "I bet she has a ton of things that would fit him."

"We don't need much." Jyn's index finger is currently wrapped in the baby's firm grip. "It's just a few days."

"Look, I know babies. And I know that they need lots of changes of clothes."

Cassian smiles at her and recalls the memory of the latest diaper event. He'd had no idea that something so small could make such a huge mess.

"We will gladly take any help we can get." A few more outfits can only make their lives easier for however long they are caring for this guy. They're already on the last piece of clothing they were given, and it's only lunch time. Jyn looks tired, he notes as he feeds the baby and watches her talk with Kiwa. He still feels guilty for sleeping through all of his cries and leaving Jyn to do all the work herself. He'll have to switch with her tonight to even things out. He's gotten the hang of changing and feeding the baby, and he's more comfortable holding him. He can handle the night shift himself and let Jyn get some rest.

* * *

Hanako brings the newlyweds dinner so she can meet the new baby and help out. She grabs him out of Cassian's arms as soon as he opens the front door, and hands him a bag full of homemade dinner. Kiwa stops by during dinner, and brings a box of baby clothes and the keikifuku. Together the ladies show Jyn how to wrap it using Cassian as a model. Jyn snickers a little at the sight of her Rebel Intelligence officer husband wrapped in meters of blue cloth and holding a newborn baby. The spectacle gets a lot less amusing when the baby starts fussing and Cassian calms him with a kiss on the head and gentle swings back and forth. Who knew Cassian was good with babies?

The ladies unwrap Cassian, and repeat the whole ordeal with Jyn as the model. She ends up tangled in the length of fabric, and the group erupts in laughter when a chime from the securicam interrupt their merriment. Cassian strides quickly to the cam monitor, and lets the visitor inside. The door swooshes open and a balmy breeze blows inside with a gust, bringing Kentaro and a Bothan he doesn't recongnize into the foyer. Kiwa finishes wrapping Jyn in the fabric and places the baby snugly inside.

"This is Da'at L'lohu." Kentaro introduces the stranger. "He's investigating the crash, and looking for the baby's family."

"Good to meet you." Cassian shakes hands with the Bothan constable and ushers the men inside. "My wife, Jyn."

"Hello." Jyn looks up from over the top of the baby's head, cheeks flushed from laughter, and flanked by her friends.

"Hello. Ladies." He nods at the women flanking Jyn, needing no introductions with them. "I'm just here to give you an update. We still haven't identified the baby or the woman with whom he was found. I've put out an alert to look for missing babies around his age around the planet and on several neighboring worlds. I've searched the databases, and no one has reported a missing child around his age that meets his description."

"It's okay." Jyn smiles as she pats the baby's back gently. "We're happy to look after him for as long as he needs."

Da'at smiles and lookes around the room at the faces assembled. The baby does appear to be in good hands. He was apprehensive at first about leaving the baby with strangers who were so new to the community. He trusts Kentarosan, though, and he is a pillar of the community. The older man was confident that these newcomers would take good care of the child, and he appears to be correct. The woman, Jyn, has him strapped to her chest, and she's alternating between rubbing circles on his small back and patting his little behind. Da'at recalls his own wife holding their firstborn much the same way. She appears to have made friends with Kiwa Sato. He's known Kiwa for years; he went to school with her mother.

"I want to thank you for taking him in." Da'at smiles at the young couple warmly. "The entire community appreciates your generosity."

"We're happy to help." Jyn speaks softly, since she just got Squirt to sleep. "We'll keep him safe."

"I can see that." He pats Jyn's shoulder affectionately, and shakes Cassian's hand again. "Please let me know if I can help you with anything. I heard from Doctor Itnoa this morning. She seemed very pleased with how he's doing, and had very kind things to say about you two." He has known the Twi'lek doctor for a decade, and he has found her to be a sound judge of character - she's the pediatrician for his own little ones. Watching the young couple interact with each other and the baby has put his qualms to rest.

Kentaro and Da'at take their leave, and Hanako takes a step towards the door before turning and looking at Cassian. She's known this young man since he was a teenager, and she couldn't be more proud as she watches him dote on his wife and the small child. She'd been upset with her husband initially when he told her he'd taken the baby to the Andor-Erso household. She thought it was too soon to dump the responsibility of a newborn on them. They were only just married a few weeks ago, and Cassian returned last night from a trip away. But, watching them now, she agrees with her husband's choice. This baby is in good hands. Hopefully his relations will be located quickly, and Jyn and Cassian can have their lives and their home back to normal.

"I'll see you later." She hugs Cassian warmly, and pulls him down so she can kiss his cheek maternally. "And you, too, Dear." Another kiss for Jyn's cheek, and a big hug for Kiwa, and Hanako is gone into the night.

"Okay." Kiwa smiles at her new friends. "You guys seem to have this down. I'll leave you alone so you can get some rest. Call if you need anything. I mean it."

"Thank you. And thank your mom for the box of supplies, please." Cassian helps her into her coat, and gives her a quick hug.

"Bye, Jyn. See you, Squirt." She leans in and presses a kiss to the sleeping baby's mess of curls.

"She's really good with babies." Cassian observes after the locking mechanism on the door chimes to indicate that it was engaged.

"She has like...five younger siblings." Jyn tries to tick off the names in her mind. "No, six. It's six younger siblings."

Cassian grabs the makeshift crib from the bedroom, and places it beside the sofa. "Here. Let me take him so you can get some sleep."

"Are you sure?" Instinct makes her want to protest, but she's learning. It's Cassian, so he means it. He doesn't have an agenda other than letting her sleep, and he won't hold this against her as something she owes him. It's hard, this relearning every life lesson that has been beaten into her so harshly. She hopes the baby she's passing to her husband won't ever learn those lessons. She hopes his life is full of people who only care for him.

* * *

It's been nearly a week, and Kentaro gives them daily updates on the search for Squirt's family. No one has responded to the requests for information, the pictures, or the reconstructed image of the woman he was found with at the crash. There are no missing person reports indicating a missing baby of his age and description. Honestly, the trail has gone cold. Da'at is frustrated.

Jyn and Cassian are summoned to the Constable's Koban after work that night. Jyn has Squirt in her arms. He calms when she picks him up these days, Cassian thinks fondly. He hopes for the child's sake that his family has been found. Last night had been interesting for the two of them. He'd awakened in the middle of the night to find Jyn gone from their bed. After relieving himself, he wandered out into the living area to find Jyn and Squirt nestled on the sofa, wrapped in a soft blanket. She was humming to him, trying to get him back to sleep in the semi-darkness. Cassian made sure to clear his throat as he approached to avoid startling her. He sang along in lyrical Festian to the tune Jyn was humming, perching himself on the sofa beside her. He intoned softly, forehead resting against her shoulder, and watched as the baby slowly drifted into slumber at last.

 _"You know that song?" Jyn whispered quietly, amazed and confused._

 _"I do." Something lodges itself in the back of Cassian's throat with the confession. "It's a Festian song."_

 _"It's been in my head for months." Jyn leans against him, and he accepts her form against his with an arm around her. "I can't figure out where I heard it."_

 _Cassian swallows hard, and takes the leap. "I sang it to you." He admits quietly. "In the infirmary. When you were still unconscious."_

 _Jyn is quiet for a few moments as she considers the implications of Cassian's words. He sang to her while she recovered from her head injury. That means he sat with her. It means he was there for her, even when she was unconscious and unresponsive. He was there for her._

 _"You...you sang it to me." Jyn repeats softly, touched at the gesture._

 _"I did." Cassian admits, grateful that he can't see the face she's undoubtedly making at him. "I'd run out of things to say in Basic and Festian. I was worried. I didn't know what else to do."_

 _"You sang to me." Jyn repeats, and Cassian's heart drops. "In sick bay."_

 _"Yes." His eyes are closed when he feels Jyn crane her neck and press her lips against the scruff on his jawline._

 _"You're..." She trails off, shaking her head. Even in the semi-darkness he can see her shake her head. Her eyes are shining, lit from the moons outside the window. "What are you doing here?" She murmurs against him._

 _"Loving you." He replies simply, and presses his lips to her temple. She relaxes against him the way she always does when he kisses her there._

 _"Why did you stay with me in the med bay?" She asks a while after they've lapsed into silence._

 _"You were alone." He shrugs against her. "And I was worried about you." She'd looked so fragile and pale against the rough hospital sheets. Still beautiful, but delicate, even though he knew way back then that she could take on anything._

 _She's shaking her head silently again, but her lips are upturned. This went better than he expected._

 _"What do the words mean?" She finally breaks the silence._

 _"It's called "Contando Estrellas." His voice is low, accent thicker as he allows himself to speak to her in his native tongue. Sometimes, by the end of the day, his head still hurts from thinking in Basic all day long. It's worse when he's tired, but he's used to it. "It was a popular song when I was a child. A man is telling his lover how much he loves her. She can number all the stars in the sky in every galaxy, and his love will still be greater."_

 _Jyn gasps as he sings a few few bars and translates. "You sang that to me. Months ago? After Scarif?"_

 _"Yes." He responds with a squeeze. "I knew you were special."_

 _"Cassian." Her voice is raw with emotion as she tries to free one hand so she can reach for him. She presses her face against his cheek, and he can feel the moisture dampen his beard and skin._

 _He gives up and drags her onto his lap, baby and all. "Jyn." He whispers, mindful of the child sleeping in her arms. "Don't cry."_

 _"I'm not sad." She's shaking her head and sniffling. "I just...I love you."_

 _"And I love you. More than all the stars."_

"Thank you for coming." Cassian is dragged back to the present by Da'at breezing into the lobby, trailed by a middle aged Twi'lek lady in sensible dress and shoes.

"This is Ryu Nothi." He introduces the woman. "Jyn and Cassian Andor." He introduces the couple, and Cassian watches to see if Jyn objects to the use of his surname.

"Ryu runs the services for placement of children with families or in the local orphanage." Da'at dispenses with the pleasantries and gets down to business. "We have been unsuccessful in our attempts to locate any family members or any persons with information regarding the child."

Jyn nods and clutches Squirt to her more closely. "Hello."

"I appreciate that you two have been willing to care for the child this past week." Ryu begins, then pauses as she watches a silent exchange between the young couple. "But as attempts to find his family have failed, we need to place him with a suitable family now. From here he will go to the local orphanage until such a family is located."

"How long will that take?" Jyn speaks up, voice cracking. Cassian can't tell if she's angry or not, but he has a feeling that she is.

"The amount of time is variable." Ryu speaks plainly. "But he's very young, and he's male, so he should be adopted fairly quickly."

"And what kind of screening will this family undergo?" Jyn presses adamantly.

"A standard security background check." Da'at answers for the social worker. "And interviews with the family members and references."

Cassian knows how easily one could scam that system.

"And what kind of care will he receive while he's waiting on this family to appear?" Jyn has backed up until she's a step behind Cassian, her grip on the infant is strong and defiant. She's traveled to the ends of the universe and back, and she's seen the kinds of people that adopt children and what they do to them. Surely some of them are good people, but she's met slaves, servants, and orphans kicked out into the street by their families. She's met all manner of unsavory characters who would exploit a small child and never think anything of it.

"He will receive nourishment and medical care." Ryu draws herself up to her full height, her lekku moving slightly behind her shoulders in objection to Jyn's inference.

"But there won't be anyone to pick him up if he's scared or cold or...or..." Jyn trails off, and meets Cassian's eyes frantically.

"His needs will be attended to." Ryu tries to reassure the woman refusing to relinquish her hold on the infant.

"Yes, they will be." Jyn states firmly, squaring her shoulders, and glancing up at Cassian.

He knows in that moment, in that instant. Cassian knows that he has just witnessed the exact moment that he became a father.

"What are you proposing?" Ryu questions.

Da'at answers for Jyn, smiling at the memory of Kentaro's words. "She means he has already found a family, and he will continue to be loved and cared for." Kentaro told him that these were good people who would ensure that the child was safe no matter what. The man is wise, Da'at has to admit it. His reservations were clearly unfounded.

"This is very irregular." Ryu swirls to face Da'at, but the Bothan official just smiles at her knowingly.

"He has a good home." He shrugs at his friend. She's a good person; he knows she is. But with the war raging on just outside their borders, there are so many orphans in the facility. She and her staff try their best to care for each child well, but there are just so many of them. "Why uproot him from a place where he's wanted, safe, and loved?"

Cassian smiles and wraps an arm around Jyn's waist, pulling her close to him and glancing down at the child strapped to her. "He'll be fine with us. We'll take care of him. Kentaro and Hanako Hatakeyama are our references. And so is Kiwa Sato."

"And me." Da'at throws his name in the hat. He may not know them well, but he knows enough. The look of fearsome determination on Jyn's face as she cradled the infant to her and demanded to know how Ryu was going to ensure his safety tells him everything he needs to know. Kentaro was right. These are good people.

"Fine." Ryu huffs, a little relieved, although she won't admit it. It's almost never this easy to find a family that meets Da'at's approval. His opinion is good enough for her.

"I'll draw up the paperwork in the morning." She shrugs. "But you still have to fill out all the application forms and submit to background check. We'll need to interview family members."

"We don't have any family members." Cassian speaks up. "But we'll fill out whatever you need."

Squirt takes that opportunity to squirm and start fussing. Jyn tries to quiet him, but Cassian reaches in.

"Let me take him." He's working the infant free from the wrap before Jyn can protest.

"Is it his diaper?" She questions.

"I think he's hungry."

Jyn is rummaging in the bag of baby supplies she's had to start carting with her everywhere. For such tiny people, babies require a large number of things. "I'll get his bottle."

Da'at is moving to get some warm water for the dehydrated formula. With three of his own at home, he has some experience making up a bottle. Ryu watches in silence as Jyn measures out dehydrated formula into the bottle, checks the temperature of the water, and re-hydrates it into a nourishing beverage for the baby. She hands the bottle off to Cassian, and he expertly manages to hold the baby with one arm and feed the baby with the other. Perhaps Da'at is right, she thinks. This couple seems to be on top of it. The crying stops immediately, and Jyn coos quietly as she strokes his dark curls.

"Okay." She relents. "I'll have the forms drawn up and sent to you tomorrow morning. You don't have to decide on a name for him immediately. I know you hadn't planned on keeping him initially."

"Thank you." Cassian looks up from feeding the baby. He should have anticipated this outcome, honestly. Jyn always takes care of those that she thinks need her help. He's thrilled to take this baby home, too, having become rather attached to the little guy in the past week. Truthfully, he's so proud of Jyn for being willing to take on this task with him. She trusts him to stay with her; to help her raise this little child. And he will.

* * *

"Do you have any name ideas?" Jyn asks him after they settle him down into his crib that night.

He does, but not in the way she means. "Not any first names."

"But you have other name ideas?" She presses, not quite understanding his insistence on semantics.

He nods slowly, knowing that it isn't a good idea to try to hide anything from her. She reads him too well. "Just wondering what his last name will be." He hasn't even asked her what her last name is now. He's been too anxious to broach the topic.

"Andor." She's looking at him like it's the only obvious answer. Maybe it is.

"Yeah?" His warm brown eyes light up at the implication. "So..."

Jyn smiles at him as she moves around the main room to dump baby clothes and blankets into the washer. "Are you asking what my name is or his?"

"Both, I guess?" He scratches the back of his neck and looks down, ashamed.

"Cassian, it's Andor." She's in front of him, reaching for his hands. "My mother took Erso. And I'm Andor."

"But your name is all you have left of your father." He murmurs quietly. He knows, he understands what that means. He feels the same way about his own name.

"I'm not going to lose it." She squeezes his hands. "My parents didn't give me a middle name. Now I have one. Jyn Erso Andor."

"Jyn." He only got one syllable out before he fused his lips to hers. They'll come up with a first name for the baby later. He has more important things on his mind right now.

"You could have just asked." Jyn laughs as he carries her toward the sofa.

"This is better." He almost growls. She is his. She has his name, her father's name. They have each other, and now they have a baby. He's never been this happy in his life - never dared to imagine that this sort of happiness could exist for someone like him. And then Draven assigned him a task, and Jyn waltzed into his life. This tiny, beautiful, spunky woman changed his world - his whole worldview. He loves her like he never imagined he could love anyone. He loves her more than the number of stars in the sky. He loves their little family, here in this cozy cabin. It's all because of Jyn. Her fire relit his own will to keep living. To keep wanting. She taught him how to live. And live they shall.

* * *

 _A/N: Almost done! Just trying to wrap up all the loose ends now. For a while it seemed like I'd be writing this for the rest of my life. I really figured I'd ben done by January - maybe February - when I started. It's July._

 _Anyway, thank you all for sticking with me this long! I love you all. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, especially. Your reviews are like hugs with words, and given how verbose I am, you see how much I love words. Many grateful thanks to Claire de Blanche, Loli-pop0394, TortoisetheStoryteller, Moniecat, jack the schmee, Mademoiselle le Chat, gandalf537, 16KnightOwls, lindcita, Chrismtas95, Guest, Vilian, and green-jedi. You are marvelously beautiful people._

 _And I'm not fluent in Spanish by any means. I took one single semester of it in University many moons ago at the same time that I was taking my fourth year of French. I never got the languages separated in my head, and I've studies a few others since then. So, if I got it wrong, I do apologize. If there is a better translation, please let me know. I've been researching that for a while, and that seems to be the most natural translation of the verb form, but there are always idiomatic usages that I can't anticipate._


	34. Chapter 34

Jyn is quiet on the ride back to the cabin, but Cassian can feel her glancing at him every so often. He lets her be for a while, knowing that she will tell him what's bothering her when she's ready. He hops out, and moves around to the side and takes the baby from her arms so she can climb down more easily.

"Alright, little man." He coos as they walk up to the house. "We're going to have to find you a real name. And something other than a box to sleep in."

Jyn smiles softly at him as she keys in the code to open the front door, and removes her boots quickly so she can take the baby from Cassian. She barely makes it inside before she spins takes a deep breath.

"I didn't ask you first." She didn't realize it immediately, not back at the koban. They were leaving and climbing into the speeder before she realized with horror that she hadn't discussed keeping the baby with Cassian. This is probably the sort of decision they should have made together. She's not good at this being a wife thing. She's used to being on her own, only worrying about herself.

"It's okay." He shrugs from his bent position untying his boots.

"But we should have talked about it, right? I just charged in without thinking." It's what she always does. And now he's stuck raising a baby he might not even want. They don't have to sign the forms, she figures, if he doesn't want to do this. It's not too late to back out.

Cassian finally gets the boot of and rises, moving to stand in front of his anxious wife.

"Jyn." He's cupping the sides of her face with both hands. "I'm happy about this. I didn't want him to be stuck in an orphanage, either. You did the right thing." Cassian was never in an orphanage, but he knows people who were. Most of them escaped and joined his band of unofficial rebels. The stories they told sent chills down his spine. There's no way he would let that become the reality of this little guy, no matter how many promises of a rapid adoption are made. Some facilities are probably nice, and most of the staff in any one facility probably love children, and genuinely want the best for them. That being said, he isn't willing to take chances with a child he's already decided that he loves.

"But, I don't even..." She trails off as she mentally catalogs her shortcomings. "How can I...I can't raise a baby." She finally mutters softly.

"You're not doing it alone." Cassian trails his fingertip over the baby's cheek. "I'm here. We'll raise a baby. And you're great with him." She is. He's seen it. When he married her, he never imagined this would be their future. He figured that she could be good mother if she wanted to, but he never imagined she'd be like this. She's a fierce mama bear, and as much as he'd hate the threat to his family, it might be fun to watch her lay waste to anyone who dared threaten little Squirt. She adores Squirt, and she has a loving, natural way with him. She's already so much more than she thinks she can be.

"I barely remember having parents, Cassian." Her voice is a hoarse whisper. "How can I be what he needs?" Her mother was much more stable than she is, and Lyra left her own daughter alone in a bunker to be raised by a radical extremist. That still smarts, even all these years later. Even though Jyn knows she'd never leave this child alone, the irrational part of her brain keeps raising alarms.

"You're already what he needs, Jyn." He nods to the baby asleep in her arms. "Look at him. He trusts you already."

She does look down, and sees the infant slumbering against her breast without a care in the world. Is that enough?

"Remember what the doctor said?" He recalls their first visit to the pediatrician. "You're nailing it."

"I guess." She agrees reluctantly. The doctor did seem to think she wasn't completely screwing this child up already.

"We'll read books. We'll ask Kiwa and her mom. We'll ask Mabion and Honza or other parents in the area. We'll figure it out. If we can find a way to steal the Death Star plans, surely we can do this, right?" Cassian bends to press a kiss to her temple, careful to not disturb the infant. "And we'll come up with a name for him. I can't keep calling him Squirt."

Jyn smiles widely at her husband, but has to ask one last time. "You're not mad that we didn't talk about this first?"

His eyes are warm as she shakes his head. "Jyn, they asked us to keep him safe. That's exactly what we're going to do. He belongs here now. With us." He never thought of himself as the paternal type before this baby swept into their world, but his own heart was in his throat when Da'at told them they'd be taking the baby to the orphanage. No child should be alone, he thinks. So many things could have been different for him if he'd had a family to adopt him, to make him part of their family. Winn and Stalix were kind, and they did care for him, but in six weeks he was fighting their fight with them. It wasn't a normal upbringing, and he knows he'll always bear the scars of that sort of childhood. Jyn will, too, after being pressed into action by Saw. This baby will have a different life, he vows. He will protect this baby from the war, from the fighting. He will take care of his little family.

"I just couldn't...I didn't trust that he'd be safe. He's so small." Jyn is still looking at the bundle in her arms, but when she finally meets Cassian's gaze, he sees her eyes are dark with memories and pain.

"He will be now. He's safe here." Cassian says simply. "We'll make sure of it."

Together they carefully put him to bed, and settle onto the sofa with Cassian's datapad. He draws up files of baby names, and they studiously pour over them in search of the perfect name.

"Do you want to name him after your father?" Cassian asks quietly.

"No." She tips her chin up and shakes her head. "Do you want to name him after yours?" She realizes that she doesn't know his father's name.

"No." He shakes his head.

"What was his name?" Jyn asks softly, not wanting to upset him.

"Jeron."

"So his middle name should be Cassian, then." Jyn decides with a nod.

"It's our tradition." He shrugs, but his heart is warm and full. "Sons middle names are the same as their father's first names."

"Your brother, too?" She hopes she isn't treading on thin ice or upsetting him with her questions.

"Olin Sonilo Andor. Both grandfather's names, because he was the oldest boy."

"Is that the tradition?" Jyn queries.

"No, he should have had Jeron, but my mother wanted a big family. She saved the name for the next boy."

"Jeron Galen." Jyn tests the name, but Cassian shakes his head. He's not sure he can emotionally handle naming a child after his father, and he definitely understands if Jyn has a similar reaction to the idea.

"Fine, but I still like Cassian for a middle name." She pecks his cheek, and Cassian actually blushes.

Three and a half hours later, they finally land on Theo, because it means "gift," and Jyn wants him to always know he was wanted and loved.

"Theo Cassian Andor." Cassian repeats it softly, as he watches the child sleep. "Are you sure about this?"

"I like it. Do you?" She's nestled into his side with his arm around her, still amazed at the level of affection that he shows her.

Cassian thinks for a moment, rolling the name over in his head. A son - a son with his name. He has a wife and a son. "I love it."

He starts filling out the forms to make it official. The background check causes Jyn to stiffen beside him.

"Am I going to pass that?" She questions, but she remembers Cassian's words from Seregar. _"I'm very thorough."_

"Yes." He said simply. "You, um, you might have a whole new identity in the official Imperial records. Same name, but different parents, no aliases, and no arrest record." He also gave her a record of attending schools on two lesser-known worlds, and graduating with impressive marks. He added that part after moving here with her. It's the closest he can get to giving her a childhood back. If she ever wants to go study formally, she can.

"You really are good to me." She murmurs, lips against his cheek as she inhales his comforting scent.

Cassian looks at the home they've made, the baby their adopting, and back at Jyn's bright green eyes. "You've given me everything I ever wanted." He tells her sincerely. "Things I never even let myself want."

She just nods with moist eyes, because she feels the same way about him. She never dreamed she'd have the kind of life where she could feel safe, but Cassian gave her that. He loves her, and she doesn't doubt that. They're going to raise this baby the best way they can.

* * *

It's almost six standard months later that Cassian receives a comm from Kentaro. He's been off-world for another installation job for four days, and he's missing Jyn terribly. Janus and Mew'weii are good company, and he enjoys chatting with them while they travel or work, but they're no substitute for his wife and son. Theo has been growing and changing so much recently. He hates being away from them, but this is the job he has. It pays well, and with both his salary and Jyn's combined, they almost have enough credits saved to purchase the cabin. He's considering looking for a slightly larger place. At some point, Theo won't be a baby anymore, and he'll need his own room.

Kiwa has been a gift from the Force these past few months, with her knowledge and experience with children. Her mother keeps sending boxes of clothes and supplies for Theo, and she watches Theo on the days neither Jyn nor Cassian can bring him to work with them. She dotes on him like she does her own children, and Cassian knows how lucky they are to have her in their lives. Cassian thought Hanako was actually going to break his ribs when he told her they were keeping the baby. She hugged him so tightly that she squeezed all of the air from his lungs. She deemed herself "grandmother," and takes every opportunity to cuddle with him and spoil him rotten. He still can't believe the amount of family that they've assembled for their little tyke. It feels unreal, like a dream, to have this many caring people in his life.

"Cassian, are you there?" An urgent, disembodied voice comes over the comlink. "Cassian, it's Kentaro."

For so many years he had to dread this sort of message. It was always the Rebellion, and it always meant something went wrong with a mission. Either his identity was compromised or the mission was changing due to unforeseen circumstances. He knows that tone of voice, and it sends a shiver down his spine.

"I'm here." He responds shortly, clenching his jaw tightly.

"Cassian, it's about Jyn."

Now his blood is ice running through his veins. The words he fears most in the universe. He can't lose her. He just can't. She's everything.

"You need to come. She's sick, and she's having surgery. Take the ship, and come back now. I'll send another to get Mew'weii and Janus."

Cassian barely remembers to spare a glance for Mew'weii before he's waved off by his friend. He sprints the full three and a half kilometers to the landing pad, and takes a few deep breaths to steady his nerves before starting the pre-flight sequence. He's not too far, but it'll still be a two hour journey in hyperspace. Thankfully he's not on a coreworld today, just a nearby planet almost halfway between Giless and Monbetsu. Mabion was planning to drop by and visit tomorrow.

* * *

He hails a public shuttle on Monbetsu after confirming where Jyn is being treated. Still panting from the run into the building, he screeches to a halt once he sees Kentaro and Hanako in the lobby. Hanako is holding a crying Theo, and trying to comfort him. He reaches for Cassian as soon as he sees his father, and Cassian grabs his small son from his friend's arms.

"How is she?" The words are frantic, and match the rapid beating of his heart inside his rib cage. "Is she okay?"

"They should be finished with the surgery now." Kentaro points to a desk. "I'll find a doctor."

"What happened?" He's bouncing Theo up and down, trying to not crush the child in his panicked state.

"She collapsed in the lab." A voice comes from behind him, and he swirls to find the owner.

"Kiwa!"

"She collapsed, and she was in pain." Kiwa holds out her hands as an offer to take the squirming baby, but Cassian shakes his head and clutches him more tightly.

"I called Kentaro, and we brought her here." Kiwa finishes.

"They haven't told us anything other than she's having surgery because we aren't family."

Cassian is nodding and trying to comprehend it all when they are joined by Kentaro and a middle aged doctor.

"Mr. Andor?" The doctor asks, and looks up from his datapad.

"Yes. How is she? How is Jyn?"

"Why don't you come with me?" He smiles at the anxious young man before him.

* * *

Cassian is restless at Jyn's bedside as he waits for her to wake from the anesthesia. He's held this vigil before, and his throat squeezes at the thought. This is a happier day, he knows. She will wake up. There is no head injury this time, and her recovery should be quite easy. Theo is quiet for now, and playing with the fabric of Cassian's shirt. She wasn't supposed to get sick, he thinks. She was supposed to be safe and healthy. It's irrational, but he feels like he failed her - like he could have done something to prevent this. He sees the first time her eyelashes flutter, and he's waiting at her side when she wakes. She's confused at first, and still sticky from the bacta they used to close the incision, but he presses his lips to her cheek and rests his forehead against hers.

"Cassian." She murmurs quietly, still a little high from the painkillers. "What...here?"

He smiles at her words, and translates the meaning easily. "Kentaro commed me, and said you were sick." He kisses her temple again and again, and feels the cool residue of the bacta on his lips. "I came as soon as I heard."

"Sorry." She sounds like she's floating, and Cassian supposes that in a way she is.

"You gave me a scare." He smooths her hair away from her face and leaves his hand on the top of her head.

"What...?" Jyn pauses and searches for the word. She feels hazy and heavy. Weighted down, like her limbs are being pressed into the too-stiff mattress. "Happened?"

"Are you awake?" Cassian grins at her, familiar with the feeling she's experiencing.

"Mmmmhmm." She manages before falling asleep again.

Cassian hasn't left her side for a moment when Jyn's eyes open again, for longer this time. He's sitting on the uncomfortable plasteel chair beside her recovery room bed with Theo on his lap. He'd traded shifts with Hanako, but she brought the baby in when he started fussing, and Cassian has been trying to entertain him for the last half hour.

"Hhhmmmhh?" Jyn inarticulately hums as a question when she tries to open her eyes against the weight of the anesthetic. There's a slight throb in her abdomen, but her head feels light and fuzzy. She felt like this once before, three years ago. She'd been alone, and in need of a dry place to spend a raining evening. The only place she thought she'd be able to blend in and maybe afford something to put in her stomach and take the edge of the hunger was a seedy bar. It was smoke-filled and loud, but Jyn shoved herself into a small table in the corner near an exit. She kept an eye on her drink, but something had made her head fuzzy all the same. It could have been drinking on an empty stomach, although she only had one beverage. There hadn't been enough money for food for a few days, so her stomach had definitely been empty. Maybe it was the lack of fresh oxygen or whatever the people were smoking, but she'd ended up feeling quite high, as if her head would detach itself from her shoulders and float away.

"There she is." Cassian turns Theo to see Jyn. "How are you feeling?" He's standing over her, holding their squirming baby.

"What happened?" She looks from side to side, and doesn't recognize the room.

"You collapsed at work." He's humming with energy. "Your appendix ruptured."

Jyn accepts this with a nod, and reaches for Theo. "Here. Let me have him."

Cassian thinks this is a bad idea, but he places the infant in her arms and raises the head of the bed. He watches as she kisses his cheeks and responds to his babbling. If he lost her...he tries to push that thought to the back of his mind. Don't think about that now.

"Jyn, there's something else."

"What?" She looks over from where she's laying, trying to lift Theo into the air to make him giggle.

"Well." He's not sure how to start as he remembers the doctor's words.

 _"Is she okay?" Cassian blurts out as soon as he's alone with the surgeon. "What happened?"_

 _"Your wife is fine." The doctor assured the anxious young husband. "Her appendix ruptured. Had she been in any pain before this happened?"_

 _He doesn't know. He's been gone for a few days. She's been tired before she left, but she works so hard. And Theo has decided that he hates sleeping at night, so they've been taking turns with him._

 _"I was away." He feels ashamed. He should have been there. He should have known something was wrong, and taken her to a doctor. "I don't know."_

 _"That's okay." The surgeon assures him. "We washed out the abdomen, removed the diseased tissue, and have her on antiinfectives. There shouldn't be any danger to the baby."_

 _"Is it contagious?" Is there a risk to Theo? He looks at his little boy. "Does he need a booster?"_

 _The doctor fixes him with a look before understanding washes over him. "Mr. Andor, you know your wife is pregnant, right?"_

 _Cassian has to sit down, his mouth gaping open as he stares at the doctor._

 _"How? She can't be. How?" She told him she'd had surgery, but they'd never actually gotten around to checking out what had been done._

 _"She is." The doctor isn't sure if the man in front of him is happy about this news, so he reserves congratulations. "I'd say about twelve weeks along. The obstetrician will be along after she awakens to do a formal examination."_

 _"But...she said she couldn't have children." Cassian is having trouble formulating sentences. "She said...there was a surgery..."_

 _"She has had an abdominal surgery before." The doctor explains. "From the looks of it, she had an ectopic pregnancy a while ago. One fallopian tube has been removed, and that is the most common reason for that procedure."_

 _She was pregnant. In prison. They saved her life; they didn't sterilize her. The Empire did one decent thing for him. He scoffs at the irony.  
_

 _"We found a contraceptive implant in her left arm." The doctor continues, and Cassian is overwhelmed. "I removed it, and ran the serial number. They only work for three years, and this one was six years old."_

 _"I...she's pregnant?"_

 _"If you're interested in termination, I can give you information..."_

 _"No." Cassian states firmly. "I mean, I'd have to talk to Jyn. See what she wants." She might not want more children. Theo is only six months old, and he's a handful. He's not sure how to tell her. They could have another child in six months. A family of four. Theo could have a little brother or sister._

 _"Is the baby okay?" He croaks._

 _"Everything looks fine. We had an OB droid come during the surgery to monitor the fetus. Heart rate was steady, and the antiinfectives are safe for use during pregnancy."_

 _Cassian's head is swimming with the information being presented._

 _"She'll need one more bacta treatment to heal up the wound, and she'll need to take it easy for a few days, but she'll be fine. They both should be fine."_

 _"Thank you, Doctor." Cassian has never loved a medical professional more than he does right now._

* * *

"What happened?" She persists, breaking his reverie.

"Your appendix burst." He smooths her hair off of her forehead with a free hand. "Looks like it ruptured at least yesterday. They had to clean up the developing abscess, and remove the diseased tissue."

"I'm sorry." She reaches a hand for her husband's.

"Don't apologize." He gives her hand a squeeze, and rubs his thumb over her knuckles. "Just tell me or Kiwa or someone when you're in pain, please." He hates to think of the amount of pain she must have endured before she collapsed.

"I didn't want to bother anyone." She shrugs. Cassian was away, and Theo needed tending to.

"You're never a bother." He kisses her hand, and makes a decision. "The doctor said you'll be discharged tomorrow."

"Okay. I'm sorry you had to come back early." She knows he wasn't scheduled to return for a few more days.

"I don't care about that." He tells her earnestly. "As long as you're okay." He's always happy to spend more time with her, although he would prefer she not be ill in order to get him that time.

They lapse into silence for a moment, and Cassian knows he has to tell her. It's now or never.

"Jyn, what do you remember about the surgery you had in Wobani?" He has to know. "What happened before you had surgery?"

She's thoughtful for a few moments before she cries. "Ouch."

"Are you okay?" Cassian is on his feet in an instant. "Should I call the doctor?"

"I'm fine." She grinds out through gritted teeth. "He kicked me." Theo is squirming on her stomach, and a tiny foot got her square in the incision site.

"Let me take him so you can rest." He easily lifts the baby off of his wife's abdomen. "Were you feeling well before you had the surgery?"

Jyn thinks back as she settles into the pillows. She'd been in pain. Excruciating pain. Her abdomen was on fire, but she'd attributed the pain to the beating she'd endured the day prior. She'd collapsed during work. She'd been digging something, probably just digging for the sake of digging. She'd been so hungry, and her stomach had hurt somewhat. A Trooper saw her when she fell, and kicked her repeatedly in the stomach until she thought she'd black out again. The next day she was burning with fever, and she valiantly tried to stand and continue working, but she'd passed out again. The pain in her gut was so severe that she couldn't stand. They'd tossed her on a repulsorlift, and taken her to the infirmary She'd been released a day later with scars on her abdomen, and not a word of explanation.

Cassian listens to the story, and fits the pieces together. The doctor told him the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy, and it fits perfectly with Jyn's recollection.

"Jyn, you...you were probably pregnant." He starts. "But the fetus wasn't in the uterus like it should be." He hopes he's getting the terms correct. "It was developing in the fallopian tube. But the tube is too small to grow a baby, and it ruptured it. It looks like they had to remove the fallopian tube."

Jyn just watches him impassively, and nods. "Okay. But...why does that matter now?" It doesn't change anything.

"Jyn the other one is fine. On the left."

"So..." She tries to make out what he's telling her, but her brain is still a little fuzzy. "I can get pregnant?"

"You can." He smiles nervously before plowing forward. "And you are."

She stills immediately, mouth agape and eyes blinking rapidly. "I'm...what?"

"The doctor said you're about twelve weeks along. The specialist is going to see you in a bit, but yeah." She's pregnant. His wife is pregnant.

"I...but..." She's speechless. Taking on Theo was a huge responsibility, she's not sure she's cut out for growing a whole person inside of her. But it's Cassian's.

"If you don't want to keep it, then the doctor said he can tell us about termination options."

"No!" Jyn wraps an arm around her midsection, as if to protect it from the very idea. "No." She repeats more quietly.

Cassian thinks his heart might burst from happiness. A wife and two children. And he hadn't thought things could get any better after they signed the final adoption forms for Theo. Now he really will have a little brother or sister to play with.

"They'll be about a year apart." She murmurs quietly. "I always wanted a little sister. When I was a kid, I mean. Before." She'd been a lonely child, loved, but lonely.

She's smiling widely, her green eyes sparkling with joy, but then she sobers. "Do you want another one, I mean? I don't have to..." She sort of dove in and took on Theo without asking him.

"Jyn, of course I do." He doesn't have the words to tell her how happy this makes him, so he quotes lyrics instead. "More than the number of stars in all the galaxies, Jyn. I love you." He rises and carefully kisses her lips, still sticky from the bacta. She kisses him back, and caresses first his cheek, and then Theo's.

"You're going to be a big brother!" He just chortles in response.

* * *

The next night, Cassian settles into bed beside his wife, and drops a kiss to her forehead as she snuggles against him. Theo is snug in his crib, and Jyn has a mostly clean bill of health from the hospital. She is to avoid heavy lifting for a few weeks, but other than that, she's fine. The obstetrician came and checked out the baby. He has video of the imaging on his datapad. It's too soon to tell the gender, yet, but she promised them that the baby looks to be developing just fine. The rapid, steady heartbeat was the most beautiful sound he's ever heard. He's not sure how they're going to handle two little ones, but he hopes that he's up for the challenge.

"I need to quit my job." Cassian says abruptly.

"What?" They're about to have two children. Now is not the time to be unemployed. "Why?"

"No, not quit working." He corrects. "I need a job where I won't be away from you so often." He hated the jobs off-world. Getting the comm that Jyn was in the hospital was the most terrifying experience of his life, and that includes the Death Star. "I'm going to talk to Kentaro and see if I can transfer to a different department. Something that won't take me away from you guys so often."

"Hanako says it's a boy." Jyn smiles at her husband, who is currently caressing her abdomen.

"She's always right about these things." He grins at her, uncertain how he gets to be this happy.

"Do you think Kentaro will mind if you transfer?"

"I think he'll understand." And Hanako will back him up on it anyway. Kentaro could never say no to his wife. "Or I'll find work with a different company." He felt guilty enough leaving her hear alone with Theo. Every time he returns, it seems like Theo has changed so much. He's growing so quickly, learning and exploring and developing every day. Now Jyn will need his help even more as the pregnancy progresses. Then they'll have two small children. He needs to be home more. He doesn't want to miss a thing.

"If it's what you want." Jyn shrugs. She just wants him to be happy.

"It is." He's staring at her with a mischievous smile on his face.

"What?"

"I think I know when this happened." He's gesturing to her abdomen.

Jyn purses her lips and thinks back.

Cassian came home from another trip away three months ago. It was finally warm on Monbetsu, and he found Jyn wearing shorts and a tank in the kitchen. She was carrying Theo on one hip while she danced around the kitchen making dinner. She was radiant with a baby on one hip and a smile on her lips. Her eyes were bright and sparkling, and her smile widened when she saw Cassian leaning against the front door watching her.

"Papa's back!" She turned and Theo smiled at him.

Cassian didn't think he'd ever been as happy as he was that night, and once Theo was asleep in his crib, he'd picked Jyn up and carried her to the sofa. Her legs had wrapped around his waist, and she'd smiled widely at him before kissing him soundly. They were happy in this little cabin, the three of them. His little family.

"It's those kriffing shorts." Jyn snorts when she lands on the memory. "It was so warm in here. I couldn't figure out the temperature controls." The control panel was all in Monbetsan, and she was still learning the language. Cassian fixed it, and showed her how to control the temperature, but that night, looking at her in those shorts, joyful and dancing around the kitchen with their son - he'd been so grateful for the heat. Then they'd made some heat of their own - and apparently made something else, too.

"I'm buying you more shorts." Cassian declares heartily.

Jyn just smiles and kisses him. The idea of being pregnant and birthing a baby terrifies her, but she's in this. She's doing this. Their family is growing.

* * *

 _A/N: One more chapter, I think (for real this time). Sorry I didn't climb on board with the baby Galen ideas. I'm actually not sorry. I wanted to name him something else, but figuring out names that would be used in this universe is hard._

 _Thank you to my lovely reviewers. I appreciate the time you take to send a kind, encouraging word my way. Thank you to Ej, TortoisetheStoryteller, Loli-pop0394, gandolf537, 16KnightOwls, lindcita, Vilian, Quetzin, Moniecat, Claire de Blanche, and Mademoiselle le Chat._

 _I'll work on the epilogue and try to get that posted before we move!_


	35. Chapter 35 - Epilogue

After Cassian brought Jyn home from the hospital, he devoted himself to learning about pregnancy. It was so easy with Theo; he was just dropped into their lives fully formed and living; he only had to read how to _raise_ a baby. This was different, though. The stakes felt higher somehow. A wrong move or a misstep, or just plain old bad luck, and he could lose everything; Jyn and the baby. Cassian devoured book after book, learning how pregnancy progresses, how to assist Jyn, what foods to avoid, how to keep her healthy. He read parenting books alongside pregnancy tomes; absorbing how to raise his children without damaging them. Theo was an easy child, he learned, in spite of his tendency to refuse to sleep during normal slumbering hours. He smiled and laughed, and was generally content if they were in his range of sight.

"He'll adapt." Kiwa's mother assured him after a particularly harried few nights of no sleep. "He's cutting new teeth. That's a painful thing to do."

She went on to show Cassian how to mix an herbal mixture from the market into a paste to relieve his son's pain. Developmentally, Theo was ahead of the curve; sitting up, crawling, even walking early. As much joy as he brought his father, however, Cassian couldn't shake the feeling nagging at the back of his mind. Something wasn't right. He was missing something; doing something wrong.

Mabion visited, as promised, with Honza and their son, Jove. Only a few months apart, it was endearing to watch the children play together. They didn't interact that much, which Kiwa promised was normal for that age, but Cassian took a step back in awe anyway. They'd survived. Both of them. Mabion had been in the fight since he was seven, and by all accounts should have died several times over. Cassian was present for a few of those close calls - he even shared a few of them and had the scars to prove it. But against all odds, they'd survived. They'd lived, left, loved, and had families now. Still, unease clutched at Cassian's back, threatened to engulf him some nights. Once things settled down, the nightmares came again.

Theo was eight months old when it felt like it all came crashing down. Jyn had months left to go in her pregnancy, and she hated the way she was being slowed down. Cassian loved to look at her, eyes gliding over her face, her mouth, her abdomen swollen with child, lower. She was magnificent, carrying Theo around, even as she developed a waddle in her step, and responding to his babbles. He saw it, though, the furrow in her brow, the hitch in her step. He saw her struggling to stand when she heard him enter the room, rubbing at her temple when she thought no one was watching.

"Jyn." A single syllable, laced with so many emotions. Love. Fear. Compassion. Hope.

She meets his eyes, and forces a smile.

"Tell me." He doesn't need to finish the thought. She knows what he means, what he's worried about.

"It's nothing." She shrugs off his inquiry and pushes to her feet.

"Jyn." Sometimes it feels like he's known her forever, for his entire life. They communicate in syllables, not sentences. In looks, gestures. Touches. They've always been like this, even on Jedha. Cassian thinks sometimes that he could never have married anyone else but Jyn.

"It's just a little headache." He notices how she downplays the symptoms, but he's been reading. He remembers. Kaytoo would be able to bring up the file and read it verbatim, but Cassian recalls the important details. He sees how she's shrugging off his concern.

"Jyn, it's not." He stills her with a hand on her forearm, sliding his fingers over her skin until he can tangle his fingers with hers. "You've been bothered for days. It hasn't gone away." The books warn of headaches as a harbinger of things to come; things too unseemly to think upon. Premature infants, dying mothers, strokes. He won't lose her. He can't.

He's bundled her into the speeder before she can protest. Kiwa is watching them from the door, waving with Theo in her arms. In the end, it's not nothing.

"How long have you had these headaches?" Doctor Shoret is sitting primly on the plasteel stool as Cassian hovers anxiously. Neither the doctor nor Cassian can make out Jyn's mumbled response.

"What?"

"I'm sorry?" They both ask in unison.

Jyn is still unaccustomed to having anyone hover over her, fuss over her. Saw barely noticed when she came back with her first blaster burn. It had been her abdomen, and she still bears the ugly scar. He shook his head, lips pursed and disappointed when she showed him, and shoved her in the direction of the bunks. She'd washed it out over the sink, and Codo helped her bandage it with old strips of cloth. The pain was agonizing, and it kept her up for days. Unable to find a comfortable position, she'd writhe on her flat, hard pallet all night, irritating the soldiers in the bunks above and below her with her constant movement. Three years later when she took a vibroblade to the thigh, Jyn was thirteen and old enough to know to tourniquet the wound and move on. It missed the artery, and she could stop the bleeding later. No one was going to come rushing to her with fresh, white bandages and gentle hands. Some days she thinks those memories are false, it never happened. She never had a loving mother who swooped in and made things better with a dab bacta and kiss on the knee.

Cassian hovers. She usually appreciates his concern, but she's on the edge of her wits, patience worn thin from too-little sleep and too much throbbing pain in her temples, behind her eyes. Her head might explode.

"Jyn." Her husband's voice is soft and sharp at the same time, and she realizes dimly that no one heard her whisper.

"Almost a year." She pushes the words out as though it hurts, scraping them against her larynx. The effort leaves her feeling bruised.

Cassian does the math. That would either be in Wobani or just after.

"Did something cause them? An injury, perhaps?" Dr. Shoret is the model of patience, and Cassian reminds himself to relax and stay impassive. Jyn has always been his blind spot.

He looks down at the table where Jyn is sitting hunched over and tips her chin up with one finger. They share a look, and his eyes widen in spite of his silent admonition to remember his training. Scarif. When he nearly lost her.

"She had an injury. A head injury." He supplies, understanding that Jyn isn't going to say anything further on the subject. "She hit her head on some flying debris or something in an explosion. She, ah, she was in a coma. Had bleeding in her brain. They had to do surgery to decrease the pressure. He knows that scar. Jyn hides it, wears her hair so that it doesn't show. It's the only scar she doesn't like him to see. He searches for it anyway, runs his fingertips featherlight over it, presses soft kisses to the pink, hairless line through her scalp. It saved her. It is the physical representation of his begging, pleading with the Force, the universe, anyone who would listen, to not let her leave him. Keep her here. Help her. Save her life. He loves that scar because it healed, and healing means living, or at least staying alive. Perhaps neither of them will ever heal.

Dr. Shoret just purses his lips and nods slowly, eyes assessing the patient.

"And are they worse now?"

Jyn just nods, and Cassian sees the flush spread up from her collar. She's embarrassed. She doesn't like being doted on by strangers, and barely tolerates it from him some days. Cassian clenches his teeth, and forces his hand to remain comforting as he swipes her bangs from her eyes.

A few scans later, and Jyn has a diagnosis that Cassian can't pronounce. He's read abut it, though. It's dangerous. Jyn's blood pressure is too high, and she's spilling protein into her urine. Her headaches are mingled with post concussion headaches - post surgical headaches. They'd be impossible to separate. She's in danger, and so is the baby. Jyn doesn't take to bedrest well, and predictably grumbles and snarls at being incapacitated. Even with the medications and the bedrest, she has to deliver the baby early or risk even more danger to them both. Cassian maps out the numbers in his head, tangible things with so much meaning attached to them. Each week inside means so much more development for the baby. Thirty eight weeks is full term. Forty is better. Thirty two is as far as she gets. At thirty two a baby is more than viable, Cassian knows, but he'll be small. Lungs not quite developed, brain tissue not quite solid enough to be safe on the outside.

In the end, his worries prove useless, as he can do nothing but watch as the doctor hands his tiny son to the waiting arms of a neodroid. The baby is whisked away for treatment, and Cassian is left holding onto Jyn's hand and hoping he isn't breaking her fingers. He has a glimpse, though, and he suddenly remembers, plain as day, the moment he first saw his baby sister. She was so small, and pink all over, this smattering of dark hair tufting at her scalp. They wait four weeks to get to take their son home, and Cassian is certain he didn't sleep at all.

Jyn insists on naming him Nalin, and Cassian has a suspicion that she's merged his brother's name and his baby sister's name to come up with it. Jyn just smiles and tells him she found it in a book, and she can't recall which one. He offers Bodhi or Chirrut or Baze as middle names, and Jyn rejects them each in turn. She won't name someone after the dead, she swears, and Cassian wonders if she really did find Nalin in a book. Her aversion to naming customs shouldn't surprise him, afterall. Saw Gerrera raised her, and she told him they didn't honor their dead. They just moved on. Pushed the pain down. No one ever spoke of it.

* * *

He is surprised when she tells him she's going to talk to someone, and he's even more surprised when she asks if he wants to come with her. He does not go. She continues seeking help, working through her issues with a professional because she doesn't want to risk screwing these kids up with her past. Jyn knows her childhood was backwards. Eight years with her loving parents - who at this point seem but a distant memory, maybe just a shadow of that - it wasn't enough. She feels insufficient and ill-prepared for the task, and she prays to the Force to help her make better lives for her children.

Cassian is a frequent topic of conversation in their sessions, but Jyn supposes that it's only because she's actually able to talk about him. She brings the babies with her, sometimes one or the other, and strokes their downy hair, fingers Theo's dark ringlets, and clutches his chubby form to her like a shield. Her therapist calls her on it, frowning. Theo smiles in response to his name and grabs the cord of Jyn's necklace before demanding to be put down on the floor. Without her son on her lap, Jyn feels exposed.

"Tell me about the nightmares, Jyn." Dr. Leeda repeats the request.

Which ones? The bunker cave, where she thought she'd starve to death before Saw found her and took her away? The memory of her mother falling, lifeless, into the neatly ordered crops, her blood seeping into the volcanic soil? The memory of the first life she took. Aged nine. The treat she got for pulling the trigger is the real reason she hates sweet things, even though she tells Cassian it's just because she never had them as a child. Sugar still turns her stomach. Cassian falling and hitting every beam on the way down the data tower? Her father dying in her arms on a sodden platform? Watching Saw's hideout erupt around him in all directions, burying her surrogate father under mounds of rock and ash? The dreams where she sees Bodhi and Baze and Chirrut all die, one by one? The first attack that left her wanting to peel off her own skin and set it on fire to clean it? There are too many reasons for nightmares. She doesn't know where to begin.

Cassian figured out some of them. He learned that she wakes gasping and reaching for him when she dreams of Scarif. That she wakes tearful and disoriented when she dreams of Eadu or Jedha. He learned while she was awake that she needs to see his face when he makes love to her. Looking back, he can see how she'd tensed when he'd turned her around. Her strangled cry as she tore herself away from him haunts his own memories. Moment ruined by his own idea, he just reached for her with gentle arms and soothing words.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. My Jyn. I'm here. I'm here. I'm sorry." She hadn't even known she had an issue until then. Cassian still feels guilty and lecherous for dredging up bad memories, for scaring her. He's more careful now, even as he pretends to be NOT acting careful. But it's there, between them. He wonders if she tells the therapist what happened.

Nothing prepared Cassian for the feelings that welled up inside his chest the first time Theo called him "papa." It was a difficult sound for his mouth to form, or so Kiwa and her mother told him. He was flying, feet no longer firmly planted on the earth below. Papa. Words he hadn't heard or spoken since he was six. A name he'd scarcely allowed himself to remember. He'd babbled the typical baby sounds that children who hear Basic and Monbetsan and Festian make; a strange amalgam of mixed up phonemes that secretly worried Cassian. Hanako promised him that the boys would sort out the languages in time, and told him not to worry. He worries anyway.

He refuses to go with Jyn to therapy until Theo is almost two, and Nalin is one. He can't recall what the boys where making noise about, but he remembers yelling at them. Yelling. Harsh, angry words snapped at babies. The memory of the look of fear on Theo's little face brings Cassian shame every time he thinks about it. He knows that fear, still remembers it well. He had an uncle who instilled that sort of reaction in him with a yell and a slap. His cheek still feels hot and raw just thinking about it. He has to deal with his own issues, or he'll end up scarring the children. He never wants them to be afraid of him. Cassian's own father, Jeron Andor, was a kind, loving man, at least from the bits of memories and shattered pieces of emotions that Cassian has left. He'll work harder to get better, deal with the past, and move forward. He'll do anything to keep that look of fear from ever crossing Theo's face again. He was wary of his father for hours after Cassian yelled at him, even as Jyn shushed him patiently and explained that "Papa just isn't feeling well." His wife will not have to make excuses to their children for his behaviour. He's seen how that ends, and he won't be party to it. His cheek throbs with memory, and a flush covers his face.

Therapy is harder for Cassian, because there's so much he actually _can't_ say - not without risking the safety of the soldiers in the Rebellion. Still, he muddles through, and finds things are both better and worse because of it. He tries the medications for a while, but they dull his senses and slow his reactions. Talking to Hanako helps more than the therapy, he thinks, and he can tell her the things he can't trust a counselor to keep private. His guilt over the assassinations, the explosions, even the mercy killings. Tivik. He reminded Cassian of a caged, desert womprat, all skittish and scared. He shot him in the back, and that still keeps Cassian up at night. He wouldn't have withstood interrogation, and it was the best thing for the Rebellion - even the best thing for Tivik given the circumstances, but Cassian feels like every life he took somehow broke off a piece of himself, too. Jyn is patient with him, which both frightens and encourages him. Perhaps in a few months, he will be that calm and patient, too. She's always been stronger than him, he thinks.

Two miscarriages in a row put a dent into Jyn's calm, though. She's on edge and Cassian sees some of that anger in her eyes he remembers from their first meeting. Fire. Life. Years pass, and Jyn throws herself into her boys. Even though they're eleven months apart, Nalin has caught up to Theo in size. This causes Jyn unspeakable joy, because she was worried that her small stature and his prematurity at birth would stunt his growth. Both boys are fluent in Basic, Festian, and Monbetsan, and Jyn begrudgingly accepts that they'll always be able to speak the latter two languages better than does she. Cassian asked shyly soon after they signed the adoption forms for Theo if he could teach him his mother tongue. His native language. The language of his people - of his heart. Jyn agreed heartily on the condition that he teach her, as well. Cassian admits that Jyn has a gift for languages, but learning as an adult is different. She's fluent enough, but she'll never have the easy grasp of verb forms and complicated inflections that her husband and children have. Her disappointment is tempered somewhat by the fact that she and Cassian both still struggle with Monbetsan. She wishes her father had taught her his own native tongue so she could feel on more even ground sometimes.

 _"It's not a competition, Jyn."_ He likes to remind her, and Jyn thinks back to the first time he said those words to her. She doesn't compete with him. She pairs with him. Teams up with him. She loves him. It still frightens her, but she stays, even though her feet are trained for running. It never occurs to her to leave, or to even want to leave, but she can tell that sometimes Cassian wishes he could. She knows he'd take them all with him, but he misses feeling useful in a larger sense. Misses the knowledge that his hard-won skills are contributing to the future freedom of the galaxy. Sometimes she reminds him that twenty years of his life is more than any one person should have to devote to a cause, even one they believe in so fully. Cassian just wraps his arms around her and breaths in her scent, nose buried in her hair. The feel of Jyn in his arms grounds him, reminds him why he left. He sounds of his children laughing keep him rooted in one place, rather than ferrying them back to a Rebel base that probably doesn't exist any more. Surely they've scattered the fleet by now. He saw it coming for years before they left. Mon Mothma and Admiral Raddus had nerve and guts. Admiral Ackbar. Even General Draven, whose courage was only seen in corners and shadows because that's where he operates - even Draven had _cojones_ (as he tells Jyn once after too many litres of ale). The rest of the Rebellion leadership lacked spines. Jyn likes the word "cojones," and Cassian thinks she has more of them than anyone he's ever met.

* * *

On the back of a third miscarriage in three years, Jyn conceives again, and this time she makes it to the third trimester. They are a family of almost five - soon to be five. Cassian waits with baited breath for the other shoe to drop. In an odd reversal of the way they came to have two children in the first place, a knock at the door throws their whole lives off balance. It's Da'at again, with Kentaro, and a small girl who is visibly shaking, whether from cold or fear, Jyn can't decide. Cassian says it was both.

"I just removed her from her house." Da'at tells them gravely, eyeing the shivering child sadly. He'll tell them the rest later, over lunch the next day. The child shouldn't have to relive what he saw in that building. "We think she's about three, and we think her name is Yuka, but she hasn't said a word."

It's the same thing, but in reverse, and Jyn realizes that there is no way Cassian is letting go of this child. She's huddled on the chair, refusing to look at anyone, and not speaking a word. Jyn watches in silence as he shakes Da'at's hand, and listens to the constable's promise that it's just for "a day or two." Just until suitable housing is located or space at an orphanage has been found. When she looks back from closing the front door, Nalin and Theo are peering around the corner at the spectacle in the kitchen. Cassian has seated himself on the floor beside the child, and he's talking to her in low tones that Jyn can't make out. They put her to bed on the sofa with plenty of extra blankets, a plasteel sippy cup of water, and the stuffed, blue Cervus that Theo shyly offered for comfort.

"What did you say to her?" Jyn asks as she crawls in beside her husband that night, tucking the blankets around her to keep out the draft. Even pregnant she's still prone to chilling.

"That she doesn't have to talk until she's ready, and that I'm happy to wait." Cassian adjusts his arms around his wife, and caresses her swollen abdomen, feeling the life inside. "That I'm happy to learn whatever signals she wants to use to tell me what she needs." Jyn drifts to sleep thinking about what a kind and loving man her husband is. Cassian lays awake remembering being six and being too scared to talk to anyone.

The house is still a disaster a few weeks later, as the Andors are moving to a larger home again. Jyn smiles to herself as she packs up the baby things she has leftover from Theo and Nalin. She's not sure she'll ever get used to having time and the ability to bring her things with her when she moves. For so long the only things she had were on her back, anyway. Her boys have never known that kind of loss and want, and she prays they never will. She smiles as she looks up and sees Cassian moving a handful of blankets into a crate, Yuka on his hip with her spindly arms around his neck. They've been inseparable since that first night when he spent two hours on the kitchen floor taking to her. He asks her questions, but always ends them so that she can answer with a nod or a shake of her head. She's still wary of Jyn, though, and her heart breaks as she wonders if this small child is just a timid personality, or if someone made her this way. Jyn can feel Yuka watching her, so she looks up and smiles tenderly at the little one wrapped around her husband. Jyn knows this one is staying. There's no doubt. Make it a family of almost six. Nearly six. Soon.

They move, ultimately, to a lovely, if older, home on the other side of the town. Thankfully the house had four bedrooms, since they bought it before knowing that Yuka would be joining their family. The Constable and the social worker drop by every week or so and promise that they're working hard to reintegrate Yuka back into her home, but Jyn can tell that Da'at is only giving lip service to the idea. He knows something that he isn't telling them, and Jyn, who has actually become good friends with a law enforcement officer, suspects that he brought this child to their house on purpose. He knew they'd take her in, that Cassian wants a big family, and that neither one of them can say no and turn away a child in need. She sees the haunted look on Da'at's face when he watches Yuka huddle in the corner, clutching the stuffed animal that she refuses to give back to Theo. Theo tells her she can keep it, and Jyn slips him an extra piece of fruit at dinner.

Mabion and Honza bring Jove and Arla for a small vacation before Jyn's due date. She has fewer complications with this pregnancy, and hasn't needed bedrest. Headaches still plague her, but they're unchanged from her typical post-concussion/post-brain injury headaches. The three boys head outside to play, rowdy and noisy and jubilant. Arla plays in the garden by herself, happily picking flowers and digging up bugs and worms. Jyn sees a pair of wide, brown eyes watching the spectacle outside from the other side of the window.

She's pregnant, and feels like she's about to pop, but Jyn lowers herself to the floor beside the silent child anyway, hands full of jackets and bags.

"Will you go on an adventure with me, Yuka?" Jyn asks, smiling widely. "I need some company." A vigorous nod is the only response, but Jyn thinks she sees a sparkle in her eyes. She dresses her in a jacket, adds a scarf to be safe, finds a wide-brimmed hat, and helps her fasten her shoes.

"You'll need this to make it a proper adventure." Jyn hands her a little bag to wear over her shoulders and a small canteen. Her mother used to take her on hikes like this one. Perhaps she can bond with Yuka this way, too. "We'll take the speeder to the base of the trail." She keeps up the chatter for Yuka's sake as they climb into the vehicle. She parks at the base of the trail Hanako showed her years ago when they first moved here, and holds out her hand. Yuka tilts her face up, and stares at her for a moment before slowly fitting her tiny hand in Jyn's. They set off down the wooded trail, and Jyn stops to point out every interesting thing. She tells her about the trees, and how they only grow here, at this elevation on this planet. She points out the birds, a special kind of bird that only nests in these trees. They find rocks, and Jyn remembers how her mother used to go hiking on Lah'mu and collect rocks with her as a child. Yuka packs the sparkly ones into the bag on her back.

They find a stream, and Jyn thinks of the baby she bathed in a creek once. Yuka just squats down and watches the minnows and tadpoles, fingers dipping into the cool water to try to touch them. She picks a flower and holds it up for Jyn's inspection.

"It's a senjyu-ganpi." She tells her excitedly, and points out the jagged edges of the petals. "It only grows here, not on any other planet." Yuka puts the flower in her bag, as well, and holds her hand out for Jyn to hold.

They make it to the clearing, and Jyn sits on the flat rock and takes in the scenery. The ravine is the same. The high peaks around them are covered in green, the highest has a dusting of snow on its cap. The sun has warmed the rock, and Jyn places her palm on it, flattened, and remembers how Cassian leaned her back against it and kissed that first time they came here. This is a good spot for building trust, she thinks. For growing memories. Yuka is running back and forth, finding interesting things and bringing them to Jyn for inspection and explanation. When she tires, Jyn holds out a sandwich and invites her to join her on the rock. She barely finishes her lunch before she's curled up asleep, head pillowed on Jyn's lap. Naptime, Jyn thinks. Safety. She knows what it's like to finally realize you're safe. The constant need for vigilance is exhausting, and the sensation of finally - finally - being able to let go and rest is liberating. She combs her fingers through Yuka's dark hair and hopes she's too young to remember whatever it is that scared her voice away. She has to carry the child most of the way back to the speeder. It's awkward, because of the baby growing inside of her, but she does it anyway. Now that they've built some trust, she isn't willing to put the child down. She will endure. Saw taught her how to do that.

The next day Mabion wants to take the children to the beach, and he misses the way Cassian reaches for Jyn's hand as they shudder at the thought. They rent a large beach house, big enough for the three families, and Jyn smiles as she watches her boys run into the ocean with Mabion's children. Kentaro dashes after them, laughing and doting like the Grandpapa they know him to be. Jyn cranes her neck to find Yuka watching them from behind the window - still anxious and isolated, even after their breakthrough the day prior. The look on her face reminds Jyn of her own childhood. After she'd been stuck with Saw and his Partisans, she'd see children from time to time in the markets or around the towns. They'd be playing or laughing, on their way to school, or out with their families. She'd watch them with envy, wishing she could be that sort of normal again, then chastise herself for feeling ungrateful and being distracted. Saw says distractions get you killed.

She's already on her way to see if she can coax the small girl into playing outside when Cassian appears beside the child. He sits on the floor beside her and speaks quietly, words Jyn can't make out. Yuka nods and waits patiently for Cassian to pull himself to standing, levering up using the window ledge. His back and leg never healed completely, and Jyn wants to scream and strangle the Rebellion for taking him out of bacta too soon. She wasn't even conscious at the time, and yet she feels guilty for his injuries. He's everything to her, and she'd go back in time and give up her own time in the tank to make him more mobile again - to give him a healthy spine and hip. She'd sell the crystal around her neck to buy him more time for the blaster injury to the leg to heal. But then, she thinks, none of this would exist. Theo would be who knows where. Nalin wouldn't have even been conceived. Yuka might not be safe. Her hand rests on the side of her abdomen, fingertips echoing the kicks inside. _You wouldn't be here, either, little one,_ she thinks. Perhaps it all worked out fine. In her dreams, Chirrut still tells her to be patient. Technically, Baze tells her that, interpreting what Chirrut actually says with a direct simplicity that reminds Jyn why she liked him so much in life.

Cassian fastens Yuka's hat around her chin, and they head out, hand in hand, to play in the sand. He takes her close to the edge of the receding surf, but not too close. Jyn sees her stop, plant her feet, and tug on Cassian's hand, refusing to go closer. They dig in the sand, build lopsided castles in the moist earth, and Cassian keeps up his commentary that he does when he's entertaining Yuka. She grows bored after a while, and sits down beside him, watching the other children play. Theo comes over and asks if she wants to join, tells her how fun it is. Cassian feels her press against him, shaking her head.

"You should come." Theo calls as he dashes back into the water.

Cassian wonders if she's picking up on his disdain for the ocean. She's a sensitive child, and he and Jyn both hate it here, even though they want the children to enjoy it. She joins them with juice and fruit slices, lowering awkwardly to the sand beside him.

"It's different." She says simply, eyes never leaving their children frolicking in the ocean. "They're safe." She voices refutations to Cassians silent fears. He just nods and pulls Yuka into his lap.

He's watching the boys the next morning as they play in the ocean while Jyn, Mabion, and Honza try to get things packed up. Mabion ends up outside with Arla, who decided she wants to swim, too. Cassian hears the young girl calling excitedly to her brother as she sprints down to the surf. He looks up to see a look he can't categorize on Mabion's face.

"Cass." He calls to his friend, waiting until he's closer to finish. "It's over. We won."

The words take a moment to sink in, to penetrate his muddled mind. We won. The men share a hug briefly, tight and fierce.

"They did it. They destroyed the Death Star."

Cassian feels the world closing in around him. This happened already. A farm boy from nowhere destroyed the weapon. His vision is going dark and fuzzy around the edges, but Mabion continues.

"It's all over the net. The Emperor is dead. Darth Vader is gone. We won."

Cassian falls to his knees, the descent cushioned in the sand. Awareness of time and place escape him for a moment as he processes and mourns. Twenty years. So many lives lost. His own childhood gone, and his own life nearly lost more times than he can count.

A small hand on his cheek draws him back to now.

"Don't cry."

Yuka. The first words she's spoken in months - maybe years. He's never heard her voice before. He hadn't even realized he'd been crying, but she pats his tears away in that awkward, loving way that only a child can manage.

"Don't be sad." She's standing in front of him without shoes on. No hat or jacket. She must have run to him when she saw him fall.

"I'm not sad, Baby." He murmurs as he sweeps her into a hug and the tears fall in earnest. "I'm happy. I'm very happy." This is what he fought for, right here. This child, his not-yet-official daughter, his sons playing in the surf, the baby growing safely in Jyn's abdomen. He fought for them, so they can know safety and peace.

"Cassian?" Jyn's voice is beside him. Close. They're always close. She knows, he can hear it in her voice. "Cassian." No longer a question.

"It's over." He croaks. Mabion leaves them alone. He reaches an arm to draw her closer to him, and she lowers to her knees and wraps her arms around the two of them.

"What's over, Cassian?" She murmurs into his shoulder.

"The war, Jyn." He blurts out, half a hiccup. "It's over. We won."

"Papa's sad." Yuka alerts Jyn gravely, in spite of his earlier protest that he is not.

"He's not sad, Baby." Jyn presses a kiss to Yuka's forehead. "We're both very, very happy." For so many reasons, she thinks. Cassian fought bitterly for twenty years. He gave up so much of himself to the cause, nearly lost himself. This is a day for celebration. And Yuka spoke aloud, which may be adding to his tears. Force, it's adding to hers. She's been with them for months, and not a peep. Not so much as a sound when she cries, which breaks her heart and Cassian's. It's a big day for the Andors and the Waydaus. Neither man, she figures, imagined they'd live to see this day. She never even considered it for herself. She just accepted that she'd die alone somewhere, in an alley or a warehouse or a prison. It was all the same to her.

 _"If Saw could see me now."_ She thinks to herself sometimes. He'd call her soft and weak, she knows. But her Papa would be happy. This is a quiet life. A happy, peaceful life. This is what her parents would want for her, not Partisans and struggling to survive.

When they've pulled themselves together enough to stand, Yuka tugs on Cassian's hand wordlessly, reverting to her silent communication. He follows her to the edge of the surf while she stands, waffling with indecision. He can see it happening. She wants to play so badly, but she's scared.

"It's okay." He urges, heart light with joy. "I'm right here."

She dips a toe into the wave as it laps against the shoreline, shrieking at the chilly temperature, and climbing Cassian like a tree. He hauls her up, ignoring the pinch in his back, and sits her on his forearm.

"Let me know when you want to try again, okay?" She just nods solemnly in agreement.

Yuka tugs on his sleeve and wiggles to get down when she's stored up enough courage. Cassian sets her gently on the sand, but doesn't let go of her hand. She makes it ankle deep this time, and stands there, smiling brightly up at him. _Proud_ , he thinks. _She's proud of herself._ He's proud of her. He hopes that some of Jyn's fearlessness rubs off on her. Maybe not all of it. She has a tendency to make his heart stop beating when she charges into situations without thinking. But some of that strength, some of that courage - he wants that for Yuka.

She keeps walking, out to her knees now, picking her way carefully into the gently lapping waves. Turning to look at him, she tugs her hand free and jumps up and down. Cassian follows closely, trousers soaked halfway up to his knees now, and not minding the sodden clothing at all.

"Yuka, good job!" Theo comes dashing beside her, Nalin following close behind.

Cassian smiles and nods encouragement when she glances at him. Uncertain. Theo takes her hand, though, and carefully helps her out further. He shows her how to jump and bob in the waves. Nalin dives to retrieve something, and comes back up with a shell.

"Here." He hands it to her, pointing to the smooth, shiny inside. "You can have it."

Cassian has never been more proud of his boys. He stands close, but not too close while they play in the ocean. The boys are careful, mindful that Yuka is anxious and smaller than they are. He worries about her size. Da'at says she's three, but she's smaller than Theo was at two. Or maybe she's the same size he was at two. It's hard to recall sometimes. He sees the wave before it happens, but he can't get to her fast enough. A larger wave, bigger than the rest comes and tugs Yuka under. Nalin implored her to jump, but she didn't get to it in time. The boys ride it from the top, and Cassian dashes to pull Yuka up, sputtering, into his arms. She's soaking his shirt, coughing and breathing wetly. Theo and Nalin are standing in front of Cassian, eyes wide, concern evident on their faces.

Cassian soothes the child, pats her back and murmurs _"you're okay"_ over and over. Her eyes are wide, and he can't tell if she's crying or just soaking wet from being submerged.

"That happens to me, too." Nalin offers, trying to make her feel better.

"Me, too. All the time." Theo chimes in.

She glances from the boys back to Cassian, and he smiles at her, heart in his chest.

"It's just the waves." Theo tells her before the group is joined by Arla and Jove. "They get you if you don't jump in time, but they spit you out on the beach,so it's okay."

Cassian can tell she's not entirely convinced, but the sight of the four other children standing expectantly, waiting for her, seems to be enough. She wiggles in Cassian's arms, and he lets her slide down, controlling her descent easily and setting her back on the sand.

"Here." Nalin grabs her hand, and Theo takes the other. Cassian's heart is in his throat as he watches the three of them play with Mabion's children. Three, four, and five. Another on the way. Mabion's two are five and three, even if Arla is taller than Yuka by several centimeters. They survived the war. They married and had families. They're thriving, in spite of their messed up childhoods and daily struggle to stay alive.

* * *

"Hey." Jyn nudges him as she climbs into bed that night. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He tells her honestly as he wraps his arms around her. "I was just thinking."

"About?" She waits, knowing how the game is played.

"This one will never know the war." He presses his face into her hair as he caresses her swollen belly. "She'll be born into a galaxy without the Empire. Without the fear that they'll take over any moment."

Jyn had a similar thought earlier as she watched him play with the kids in the ocean.

"Theo and Nalin won't remember it, either." She runs her fingers through his hair. "I'm not sure what Yuka will remember, but I hope it's only life with us."

Cassian murmurs his agreement against her shoulder. He worried for a while that if this day came he'd feel empty. Worthless. Instead he's elated and relieved. His children will grow up in a galaxy that's safe. Theo is already five, just a year younger than he was when he lost his family. _He's just a child,_ he thinks sometimes. Cassian doesn't remember ever feeling as carefree as Theo seems to be. This is why he fought. This is what he fought for. Jyn drifts off to sleep peacefully in the dark room, and Cassian thinks back to the day she told him why she needed light.

They weren't even married, yet, but they'd just moved into the first little cabin. He was trying to find something he could use as a small light, something he could rig, even a temporary thing. Jyn was calling him to bed, tired from the effort of the move.

 _"It's okay, Cassian." She'd trailed fingertips across his back and shoulders. "I don't need it."_

 _"But, you always..." He trailed off warily._

 _"We have windows in the bedroom here." She shrugged. "I don't need a light."_

 _Understanding bloomed, and Cassian stopped what he was doing. "The cave?" He whispered._

 _She only nodded. Claustrophobia. She needs to see her escape routes. Windows are easy. He places a light outside the window to illuminate the path up to the house. It shines all night, letting in enough light to make the exits easy to find. He does this in every house they live in. For Jyn._

* * *

Jyn wakes with a dry mouth and throat. She never quite adapted to the indoor chiller, and finds that she ends up dry in the summers with the cool air blowing her all night long. Padding quietly to the door, she opens it to find a terrified Yuka on the other side.

"What's wrong, Baby?" She kneels beside the child, brushing her hair from her face. She points over Jyn's shoulder at Cassian. "He's sleeping, Sweetie. Let's let him rest."

Yuka is silent for a moment as the door closes quietly. She stands still in front of Jyn, and stares at her hard in the dim, yellow light of the hallway.

"Thirsty." She finally manages timidly, and Jyn feels her heart burst with happiness.

"Me, too." She pushes her way to her feet, and lifts Yuka up, carrying her easily. "Let's get some water." She can feel the child relax in her arms, and Jyn curses whoever taught her to be afraid to ask for what she needs.

"Let's have a snack." She whispers quietly, as she places an unbreakable cup half filled with water in front of Yuka at the table.

"Okay." Jyn drops a kiss to Yuka's hair before moving to cut up some fruit.

"You know, when I was your age, this was my favorite." Jyn slides the plate of fruit between them, closer to Yuka so she can reach it. "My mom would make this for me when I needed a snack."

The slices are slippery, and Yuka drops one on the ground, eyes widening with what Jyn has come to understand means fear.

"That's okay, Baby." She slides off her chair and bends, trying to reach the fruit, but her third trimester belly is in the way.

"I get it." Yuka jumps off of her chair and reaches under the table, picking up the slice and handing it to Jyn. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Jyn tosses the slice in the sink, and wipes her hands and then Yuka's on a towel before helping the little girl back up into her chair. "It happens. No big deal."

They finish their fruit and water, and Jyn takes Yuka back to bed.

"No." Yuka pulls on her hand and refuses to go inside her bedroom. "Stay."

Jyn just smiles, and runs possible translations through her brain. "You want to stay with me?" A shy nod. Jyn recognizes a test when she sees one. "Come on, but we have to be quiet."

* * *

Cassian wakes with a gasp, unsure what drew him from slumber. There's a tiny foot lodged against his liver, he finds, and traces the leg up to find Yuka asleep in Jyn's arms. He meets her gaze, his heart stuttering a bit like it always does when her green eyes sparkle at him.

"Sorry." She whispers. "She told me she wanted to sleep here. I couldn't say no." Not after she used words to express her needs. She couldn't push her away after that. Yuka just started to trust her. She's not going to start refusing her needs now.

"It's fine." He tells her honestly, understanding the desire to say "yes" to anything at all if the child is willing to speak her needs aloud. They don't usually let the children sleep in their bed, but there have been exceptions. This fits the bill. He would have done the same thing.

"Do you want some breakfast?" He kisses her lips softly as he rises, dropping a kiss to Yuka's cheek as well.

"Thank you." She calls after him as he leaves for the kitchen, and looks at the small body pressed against her. It's awkward because of the belly, but they managed.

The child shudders and wakes with a start and a silent gasp.

"It's okay, Sweetie." Jyn tugs her closer. "I'm right here." But Yuka can't be contained.

"Papa?" She swivels her head and finds his side of the bed empty.

"He's in the kitchen." Jyn brushes the hair from Yuka's face and makes a note to put it in braids today. "You can go if you want."

She watches as the little girl scrambles from the bed and runs down the hall. The bond Cassian formed with this child is stronger than she ever imagined possible. Or, perhaps it's exactly like the one she had with her own father at that age, she muses.

Cassian hears little feet running down the hall, and pauses before he opens the front door.

"Do you want to see the suns rise with me, Little One?" He bends to scoop her into his arms as she nods.

They step into the golden early morning sunlight, the first new day without the threat of the Empire. The first day of the rest of their lives. He's lost in thought just watching the spectacle of nature before him when he's joined by Jyn.

"Cassian." Her voice is urgent. "It's time."

He knows those words. They spur him to action. It's time. It's a tad early, but so was Nalin.

"Time?" He clarifies, just to be sure.

"Yes." Her eyes are sparkling, the greens and golds dancing in the sunlight.

"Are you ready to be a big sister?" He asks Yuka, who is sitting comfortably on his arm again. She just nods, eyes wide. "Go wake up your brothers." He sits her down and shoos her back inside.

"How much time do we have?"

"Enough." Jyn shrugs, reaching for her husband. "I love you."

"And I love you." He returns. "More than the number of the stars."

* * *

 _Author's Note: I still can't believe that anyone reads anything that I write. Thank you all for sticking with me! I had to leave it happy. I think they deserved happy. I tried to tie up as many loose ends as I could while trying to make the epilogue coherent. I hope you enjoy it if you read it._

 _Thanks especially to the incredibly kind reviewers, Christmas 95, Icbacteria, Vilian (your last review cracked me up. I wrote it, you don't have to tell me :) the whole thing was planned back in January), Mademoiselle le Chat (whose constant encouragement helped so much during this exercise), Loli-pop0394, Guest, FlyingCats777, Claire de Blance (I agree about the droid, but I'm rubbish at writing him in character), Moniecat, gandalf537, TortoisetheStoryteller, and 16KnightOwls. Thanks to everyone who "favorited" or followed (I'm not up on the lingo), and every single reader to made that "hit count" tab keep going higher. You are all so kind. Thank you all. Have lovely weekends, everyone._


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